The Church of Chris Martin

EXCLUSIVE: Coldplay’s music isn’t just hugely successful – it can cure diseases beyond the scope of modern medicine, it is claimed.

 Chris Martin must feel pretty lucky these days – he sells millions of records, he’s won a Grammy, and has two children with his beautiful film star wife, and all by the age of 30. His rapid rise to fame has been nothing short of miraculous.
Now it seems like that might be literally true. An Invernesian man is claiming that his meeting with the Coldplay singer has cured him of a chronic illness.

Scott Macdonald (47) has suffered from the debilitating and painful condition Spine Abifida since birth. It left him unable to work and in need of constant care. But Scott is an optimistic soul, and never let the disease squash his spirit.

 “I’ve always loved music. It’s helped me deal with my condition,” said the brave youngster. “I taught myself to play the guitar. Coldplay are my favourite band because they’re brilliant and their songs are so uplifting, and so I was delighted when my best friend bought me tickets to see them playing at the S.E.C.C.”

After the show, Scott was invited backstage with all the other wheelchair cases to meet the band. “They were all lovely,” he says, “but when I shook hands with Chris, something funny happened. It felt like I was being electrocuted, but in a nice way. I looked up at him and he just smiled… A week later, my Spine Abifida had cleared right up.”

He insists that Chris Martin somehow healed him, spontaneously and miraculously, and amazingly, he’s not the only one. A Ukrainian woman has alleged that hearing ‘Yellow’ cured her jaundice, and a 15-year old girl seems to have regained her sight during ‘In My Place’ at a Hamburg concert. However, there is no evidence at present to back the claims up. Chris Martin has thus far declined to comment.

Perhaps finding that evidence is a job for ‘The Scientist’. Hoping to avoid ‘Trouble’, this blog suggests that perhaps these individuals experienced nothing more than ‘A Rush of Blood to the Head’.

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History and miracles and news

{This is the last part - for now - in our series collecting the wit and wisdom of Chris Martin.These proverbs can be memorised, tattooed, carved in stone, anything - just as long as you carry the words with you always.}

On Bono: I felt like a fourth-rate Bono. Later on, I felt like a third-rate Bono and hopefully it’ll escalate until I feel like a full-on Bono.

On Hello!: If a celebrity magazine is in an airport lounge, I’ll have a look. I like gossip as much as the next man. But then, I’ll bump into someone I’ve read about and I’ll say, ‘Oh, I read so-and-so…’ and I curse myself, because I hate people coming up to me and going, ‘Chris I read that you’re macrobiotic, is that true?’ And I say, ‘Well, no, not really.’

On the Threat to the Middle Classes: If the world keeps going the way it is, it’s going to be bad for everybody, not just for poor people.

On the Wu-Tang Clan: We are just a bunch of students. I’d think, “Gosh, I’m just some public-school boy with my house colours… ” I haven’t got any experiences as valid as the Wu-Tang Clan.

On Politics: I would say don’t be such a stupid c**t, because to say politics and music don’t mix is to say that politics and gardening don’t mix, or politics and plumbing. Politics concerns everybody.

On Kraftwerk: Kraftwerk are obviously in the top three bands of all time. They’re amazing. This is going to sound highly pretentious, but I was reading a book about Leonardo Da Vinci, and it said he was like a man who had woken up in the dark before everyone else got up hours later. That’s like listening to Kraftwerk.

CHRIS BE WITH YOU!

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Did you know!?

Look at the stars, see how they shine for you…

31 years ago on the 2nd day of March, a great prophet was born. (AKA Chris Martin.)

When that other great prophet, Jesus, was born, a star appeared in the sky above that showed wise men the way.

The Christians have been trying to explain the star of Bethlehem for centuries. Was it a comet? A supernova? Or something altogether more spiritual? No-one knows for sure.

But now, the CoCM can announce – we have found our star.

It is located at right ascension 0h38m27s, declination 4*51′50″ and is numbered 1708064 in the AXAF guide.

It is not actually yellow, more a cool red. It may not be visible to the naked eye, and it may not be visible from the Northern parts of Europe and the US, but IT IS OUR STAR.

And all it needs is a name.

VOTE NOW!

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / news and site news

{This is the second in a series of the CoCM’s Proverbs, the wise words of Our Prophet, Chris Martin.}

On Lyrics - “The lyrics come out and I just try not to get in their way.”

“When you hear someone like Ian McCulloch or Bob Dylan…those are lyrics that should be printed. Mine are just a bunch of feelings.”

“There’s so much to write about all the time, even if you’re seemingly on top. Life is always carrying on. You can write about why am I having a great day today, but then 200 miles away there’s a hurricane going on. There’s always life to write about.”

On Fare Trade - “Fair Trade chocolate tastes better, but also it was amazing to go to a rich, green area like this and know that for every bar of Divine chocolate you’re eating, you’re helping out the people who grew it for you far more than if you eat Nestlé.”

“How on earth could anybody stand in a field with these people and say that it’s the right thing to do to dump their excess produce cheaply on a third world country? It’s beyond me. But the truth is, the people responsible haven’t talked to the farmers in the areas affected.”

On Canada - “Canada is heaven on a stick!”

On being “cool” - “My eye-opening years were between 13 and 17. I was so cushioned until that. But at Sherborne, it was the first time I’d ever experienced somebody disliking me. Well, I used to walk funny, and, to be quite honest, I was a bit of a knobhead - I wouldn’t have liked me either.”

“When you’re born into a middle-class white family in the county of Devon, there are things that you feel like you’re not allowed to do. Like be a pop star or grow your hair long.”

“Some people are into bondage, and some people are into cross-dressing, and some people are into Coldplay — I don’t mind being a fetish. I don’t mind not being cool. I’ve never been cool in my whole life. Being voted the world’s sexiest vegetarian is about as cool as it gets.”

“It’s very strange being the world’s sexiest vegetarian, because eight years ago, if I’d invite someone over to my place for a tofu burger, they wouldn’t be interested.”

On Michael Stipe - “I’ve lost all respect for fame, but I haven’t lost all respect for respect. So the one great thing about being famous is that I get to meet people who I respect. Our relationship is akin to a dog and its master. I’ll always look up to him.”

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Doctrine

Again taking “inspiration” from Radiohead, Coldplay released their new single free on the internet on Tuesday. Violet Hill is the first track to be released from Viva La Vida, and the first fruit of their sessions produced by Brian Eno, mastermind of U2’s Joshua Tree.

Musically, they’ve turned up the guitar and stuck 30 seconds of ambience on the front to make it long enough to be a single. This now means they are OFFICIALLY EDGY AND EXPERIMENTAL and NOT COMMERCIAL ANYMORE.

The key to understanding this song is to remember Jesus’s words upon the cross (according to Matthew and Mark, at least) - My Father, my Father, why have you forsaken me? As he dies upon the cross, Jesus asks God why he is being allowed to suffer. Likewise, in Violet Hill, Chris asks God why He still allows suffering in the world.

Violet Hill

Was a long and dark December

The long night of the soul, the darkness that has come upon the modern world.

From the rooftops I remember

As ever, Chris is looking down from on high, surveying the world. (See Gravity, Daylight.)

There was snow
White snow

Even in England, snow is ALWAYS white. Chris knows this (his parents are teachers). ITS A METAPHOR!

Clearly i remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze down below

When the future’s architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You’d better lie low

The powers-that-be, a circus of idiots who control the world, watch us through CCTV, the internet etc. We are hiding below, powerless to change anything, frozen.

Don’t think there’s such a word as “architectured”, however.

If you love me
Won’t you let me know?

The song is a plea from Chris to God, asking for a sign. In X&Y, he recieved his vision from God, but in the four years inbetween, nothing has changed. Poverty is not History, AIDS is still rife, and Noel Edmunds is STILL on TV.

Was a long and dark December

A reference to Chris’s fave painter, Thomas Kinkade.

When the banks became cathedrals
And the fog
Became God

In the previous Dark Age, the Catholic Church grew to be the greatest single power in the Medieval World. Many within the Vatican saw its primary purpose to be the raising of wealth, not the glory of God.

This is Chris’s second direct mention of God in his lyrics. The first, God Put a Smile Upon Your Face, shows a man who has just realised the spiritual power of the universe. Violet Hill suggests a far more jaded point of view. He must be fighting with his wife or something.

Priests clutched onto bibles
And went out to fit their rifles
And the cross was held aloft

Millions were killed during the crusades. The Vatican was silent on the Holocaust. Noel Edmunds is STILL on the TV.

Bury me in honor
When i’m dead and hit the ground
A love back home unfolds

No idea.

If you love me
Won’t you let me know?

I don’t want to be a soldier
With the captain of some sinking ship
With snow, far below

In this incredibly layered metaphor, Chris says he will think for himself, refusing to adopt the values of CORRUPT LEADERS like George Bush who are like the Captains of a failing civilisation, as long as the people remain emotionally frozen subconsciously. You don’t get shit like that from Keane, do you?

So if you love me
Why’d you let me go?

I took my love down to Violet Hill

Violet Hill is a metaphor for the perfect world Chris has glimpsed in his visions. He tries to show us (”his love”) this world, what Jesus would have called “The Kingdom of Heaven”.

There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

The world is not ready. EXCEPT FOR THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN!

So if you love me
Won’t you let me know?

If you love me,
Won’t you let me know?

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Doctrine and interpretation and news

As a Great Prophet, Chris Martin seems unable to open his mouth without some nugget of Holy Wisdom tumbling out. In this series, we will look at just a few of the gems that The Church of Chris Martin have taken as their Proverbs.

 
On U2 - “I just want to make something I can put next to ‘The Joshua Tree’ and feel proud.”

“To me, they’re like Mount Everest or the Taj Mahal or the Sears Tower. They’re a great, great thing. And if you’re going to do something, you may as well aim to do something great. I’m not saying we’re better than them. I’m just saying if you’re going to aim for anything, you might as well aim for the best.”

“U2 can be beaten. For me it’s no different from the film Rocky. You study your opponent. And I regard them as opponents.”

On Radiohead - “I think if you imagine Radiohead going through a jungle clearing a path, then we’re the ones who are probably just criminally paving it. I always see Radiohead as the braver people.”

On Fame - “After being with Gwyn I’ve realised everyone is human. We really build people up as if they are from Mars. Hollywood seems as accessible as Mars.When I started meeting celebrities it was depressing because you can’t believe in the mythology of people any more.”

On the success of his band - ”I gleaned that it doesn’t matter if you’re in one of the biggest bands in the world, it doesn’t mean you’re very good.”

“Let me be clear: We’re an incredibly arrogant band and we believe in ourselves above all others. But we also acknowledge that there’s no way we can take credit for where we are. I didn’t design my larynx, if you want to go right back to Square 1. … So we work very hard to capitalize and validate what we’ve been given. Because we have been given it. It’s not graciousness, it’s just honesty.”

“It’s very depressing, but it’s very healthy. We always have this bubbling level of vitriol. Maybe it’s something to do with my haircut. Maybe we’re too feminine for the masculine and too masculine for the feminine. That’s the great thing about people who hate us. We can suck out the energy and make it into something positive.”

On his balls - “I went through a weird patch, starting when I was about sixteen to twenty-two, of getting God and religion and superstition and judgment all confused. I think a lot of our music comes out of that. I definitely believe in God. How can you look at anything and not be overwhelmed by the miraculousness of it? Everything from that carpet to your nose to my balls is amazing. In fact, my balls are a particular miracle.”

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Doctrine

Violence: Some (Terrorism)
Rasism: None
Homophobia: None
Blasphemy: None
There are some films that are just important for the world, not created for entertainment, but as an examination of the human spirit in the face of extreme circumstances. United 93 is one of those. It ranks up there with Shindler’s List, Titanic and Cocoon.

Untied 93 has come upon us soon after the fact. Some feel too soon after the fact. But whatever you feel about the moral issues, as a movie, it is a staggering Tour-de-France.

Writer/Director Paul Greengrass says Untied 93 is a fictionalized retelling of what happened on 9/11. At the same time it depicts the ‘fog of war’ better than any documentary on the subject could. There’s no political slant here, and there’s no finger pointing – except where the finger should point, at all the Islams in the world.

Untied 93 has been cast for a documentary feel, and there’s barely a familiar face on screen. Ben Sliney, national operations manager for the FAA at Kennedy Airport and actually in charge of the command center on 9/11, appears, playing himself. This casting decision adds an eerie sense of realism. However he’s rubbish at acting, and his performance actually lets the movie down.

The movie’s clear on what is really important in life. This collection of strangers came together to confront an unthinkable threat. Valour in the grim face of death shows heroism above human capability, and resides within the spiritual. They asked themselves, are we going to sit here waiting, or are we going to do something? As Chris sang, “If you never try, then you never know.” I think there is wisdom in that.

The only problem I had was that much of the movie was filmed with hand-held cameras, and the person in charge of the movie camera panned too fast and my stomach got nauseous.

9/11 should never be forgotten. Each generation has a duty to pass down religious fundamentalism, racial prejudice, bigotry, and genocide to the next. I think people NEED TO BE REMINDED of what happened on 9/11, it being hardly ever mentioned in the media. This movie does it’s job and for that I am greatful.

Perhaps it is distasteful to make a blockbuster movie so soon after the real events. But if it is going to produce top-notch infotainment like Untied 93, I say –

“LETS ROLL!”

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / reviews

Yesterday was Saint George’s Day, and all around the world, Englishmen and women gathered to celebrate their proud cultural heritage. Coldplay, England’s top artistic (and spiritual) export, were no exception.

The four group members, their wives and their many children, gathered at Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s London pad for an afternoon of revelry, and a break from their punishing schedule of marketing the new LP. They enjoyed a few ales and partook of the traditional St. George’s Day festivities. These included -

• Re-watching the 1966 World Cup Final - Everyone must say “They think it’s all over - it is now!” at the appropriate moment. Extra kudos can be earned by wearing a Bobby Charlton comb-over wig, or by going to a foreign country en masse, getting blind drunk and fighting with the locals.
• Voting Tory - Two children are chosen, and each must make a speech before the other guests. One is dressed in fine clothes and must talk in a plummy accent of traditional values, the monarchy and a hatred of foreigners. The other is dressed in rags and must mumble about the workers, the welfare state and the Colonies (AKA Scotland, Wales and Ireland) in a northern accent. Then a mock ballot is held, and the loser is ceremonially beaten.
• Saluting George Best - One person (the “George Best”) must drink alcohol until they pass out. Bizarrely, they are then saluted as a hero as they are stretchered into the ambulance.
• A Minute’s Silence for the Queen - The Queen is a German enchantress who has somehow managed to bewitch the English into believing that she is somehow more than human. They not only give her money, but even the lives of their sons. She represents nothing that is progressive, equal or sane, yet grown Englishmen will still weep over their Christmas dinners as she reads a speech written by someone else, without any emotion or theatrical flair.
• Parading the Frenchman - Over the preceding weeks, the children (often with help from the adults) have constructed an effigy of a Frenchman. At the end of the day, this effigy is paraded around the group, either in a wheelbarrow or merely dragged by the arms, and all must hold their noses as though the smell was unbearable. Finally, the Frenchman is set upon by the children, who tear it limb from limb as the adults chant “Agincourt! Agincourt!”

When the fun was over, what else was there to do but to all sit down to a meal of traditional English food - a macrobiotic, organic Chicken Tikka Masala, specially created by their private chef, Farouk Sanddu.

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / news

BEHOLD - THE LAMB OF GOD!

Bono seems to have predicted the coming of Chris Martin, just as John the Baptist predicted the coming of Jesus, the prophet before him. If you don’t believe me, read these lyrics and then SHUT UP!!!

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

Saint Bono claims to have climbed the highest mountain. Yet Christ Martin asks “how long must I climb up this mountain of mine?” The mountain is OURSELFS, and if we think we can ever stop climbing, we are wrong.

I have run

He understands the importance of keeping fit. After all, obesity rates are rising.

I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

The city walls are St. Bono’s confusion - “Confusion never stops, Closing walls and ticking clocks” (AROBTTH 5:3)

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Saint Bono is looking for the new Messiah (Chris Martin). He will be “On a hilltop, On a sky-rise, Like a firstborn Child, Defeat darkness, Breaking daylight” (AROBTTH 6:4)

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

He is talking about the Sacred Feminine here. Like in Da Vinci’s Code. Chris Martin is not afrain of his femine side, saying he loves his wife and being all melodramatic, but he’s masculine as well, getting mad and kicking off at photographers and that.

I have spoke with the tongue of angel’s - (1 Corinthians 6:1)
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night

Chris Martin acnowledges his good and bad sides too - “When I counted up my demons, Saw there was one for everyday, With the good ones on my shoulder, I drove the other ones away.” (PARACHUTES 10:1) - but he has sent his bad ones AWAY, not snuggled up to them like some sorta weird pervert!

I was cold as a stone
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I believe in the kingdom come

Hidden track on X&Y!

Then all the color’s will bleed into one
Bleed into one

This is Nelson Mandelas’ dream of a RAINBOW NATION. That RASISM IS WRONG is one of the Sacred Tenets of the Church of Chris Martin. It’s just really not on.

Saint Bono was a lot younger when he wrote this song, but he still looks good for 65. He probably does a lot of exercise.

Well yes I’m still running

You broke the bond’s and you
Loosed the chain’s
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But Bono remains chained, powerless. He is not the one to loose ALL of our chains, release us from our shame. It is Chris Martin who carried the cross for us. This is true; Bono tells us ‘I believed it’.

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for -
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Doctrine and interpretation

“Tears stream down your face…” (X&Y 4:22)

Chris Martin has claimed that the fourthcoming Coldplay album, Viva la Vida, includes “the greatest song ever written”. But if the results of Scientific Tests are to believed, you might still end up in tears. For the song, Death and All His Friends, instantly causes uncontrollable sobbing in anyone who hears it.

“We have tested it in every possible circumstance, and so far no-one has been able to make it past the second verse without blubbering,” a top expert said. “We’ve played it to everything from monkeys to shrews - if it has a tear duct, it’ll wail. In fact, we didn’t even know that fruit-flies could cry, and they seem to be secreting a greyish liquid through their carapaces in a grotesque pastiche of their emotional human masters.”

“We even played it to a Nazi. He broke at the end of the chorus, whimpering like a prick. Only one other person that we tested managed to suppress their lamentations any further into the song - the “popular” “singer” and world-renouned rhyming slang, James Blunt.”

Archpope-in-Cheif Dean Drobbingdon is declaring it a miracle. “There is simply no way that a piece of music can have an affect that is so profound. There are stories of ancient temples and cathedrals that had such perfect form that they could produce tears, but nothing on this scale. The important thing is its testability. This is a piece of art that can produce an inexplicable effect, repeatedly and on demand. What we are looking at here is scientific evidence of the existence of God.”

But even its being an officially-sanctioned supernatural religious phenomenon hasn’t stopped some people thinking of ways that it could be put to more practical use. Expect Coldplay to allow the track to be used in anger management sessions (allowing the release of pent-up emotions), rape alarms (not only immobilising the attacker with bitter sobs, but probably ruining his erection too), and for teachers, the song having been proven to take a class of 30 working-class children from an intense hysteria to a pathetic anguished whimpering in just under 42 seconds.

They won’t be allowing everyone to use it, however. It’s no surprise that the military has made enquiries, but not just any military. We’re talking about the Chinese military.

Beijing are hoping to use it against Olympics protesters, who have found considerable support in the West. “It is a perfect weapon,” a person said, “It will look to the world’s media that they have simply been overtaken by the emotion of seeing this flame, and all that it represents.”

Ironically, the Viva la Vida track entitled Chinese Sleep Chant does not have any known side effects. Any sedative effect experienced will be the standard amount found in all of Coldplay’s recordings.

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Did you know!? and news