As a Great Prophet, Chris Martin seems unable to open his mouth without some nugget of Holy Wisdom tumbling out. In this series, we will look at just a few of the gems that The Church of Chris Martin have taken as their Proverbs.
On U2 - “I just want to make something I can put next to ‘The Joshua Tree’ and feel proud.”
“To me, they’re like Mount Everest or the Taj Mahal or the Sears Tower. They’re a great, great thing. And if you’re going to do something, you may as well aim to do something great. I’m not saying we’re better than them. I’m just saying if you’re going to aim for anything, you might as well aim for the best.”
“U2 can be beaten. For me it’s no different from the film Rocky. You study your opponent. And I regard them as opponents.”
On Radiohead - “I think if you imagine Radiohead going through a jungle clearing a path, then we’re the ones who are probably just criminally paving it. I always see Radiohead as the braver people.”
On Fame - “After being with Gwyn I’ve realised everyone is human. We really build people up as if they are from Mars. Hollywood seems as accessible as Mars.When I started meeting celebrities it was depressing because you can’t believe in the mythology of people any more.”
On the success of his band - ”I gleaned that it doesn’t matter if you’re in one of the biggest bands in the world, it doesn’t mean you’re very good.”
“Let me be clear: We’re an incredibly arrogant band and we believe in ourselves above all others. But we also acknowledge that there’s no way we can take credit for where we are. I didn’t design my larynx, if you want to go right back to Square 1. … So we work very hard to capitalize and validate what we’ve been given. Because we have been given it. It’s not graciousness, it’s just honesty.”
“It’s very depressing, but it’s very healthy. We always have this bubbling level of vitriol. Maybe it’s something to do with my haircut. Maybe we’re too feminine for the masculine and too masculine for the feminine. That’s the great thing about people who hate us. We can suck out the energy and make it into something positive.”
On his balls - “I went through a weird patch, starting when I was about sixteen to twenty-two, of getting God and religion and superstition and judgment all confused. I think a lot of our music comes out of that. I definitely believe in God. How can you look at anything and not be overwhelmed by the miraculousness of it? Everything from that carpet to your nose to my balls is amazing. In fact, my balls are a particular miracle.”
Violence: Some (Terrorism)
Rasism: None
Homophobia: None
Blasphemy: None
There are some films that are just important for the world, not created for entertainment, but as an examination of the human spirit in the face of extreme circumstances. United 93 is one of those. It ranks up there with Shindler’s List, Titanic and Cocoon.
Untied 93 has come upon us soon after the fact. Some feel too soon after the fact. But whatever you feel about the moral issues, as a movie, it is a staggering Tour-de-France.
Writer/Director Paul Greengrass says Untied 93 is a fictionalized retelling of what happened on 9/11. At the same time it depicts the ‘fog of war’ better than any documentary on the subject could. There’s no political slant here, and there’s no finger pointing – except where the finger should point, at all the Islams in the world.
Untied 93 has been cast for a documentary feel, and there’s barely a familiar face on screen. Ben Sliney, national operations manager for the FAA at Kennedy Airport and actually in charge of the command center on 9/11, appears, playing himself. This casting decision adds an eerie sense of realism. However he’s rubbish at acting, and his performance actually lets the movie down.
The movie’s clear on what is really important in life. This collection of strangers came together to confront an unthinkable threat. Valour in the grim face of death shows heroism above human capability, and resides within the spiritual. They asked themselves, are we going to sit here waiting, or are we going to do something? As Chris sang, “If you never try, then you never know.” I think there is wisdom in that.
The only problem I had was that much of the movie was filmed with hand-held cameras, and the person in charge of the movie camera panned too fast and my stomach got nauseous.
9/11 should never be forgotten. Each generation has a duty to pass down religious fundamentalism, racial prejudice, bigotry, and genocide to the next. I think people NEED TO BE REMINDED of what happened on 9/11, it being hardly ever mentioned in the media. This movie does it’s job and for that I am greatful.
Perhaps it is distasteful to make a blockbuster movie so soon after the real events. But if it is going to produce top-notch infotainment like Untied 93, I say –
Yesterday was Saint George’s Day, and all around the world, Englishmen and women gathered to celebrate their proud cultural heritage. Coldplay, England’s top artistic (and spiritual) export, were no exception.
The four group members, their wives and their many children, gathered at Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s London pad for an afternoon of revelry, and a break from their punishing schedule of marketing the new LP. They enjoyed a few ales and partook of the traditional St. George’s Day festivities. These included -
Re-watching the 1966 World Cup Final- Everyone must say “They think it’s all over - it is now!” at the appropriate moment. Extra kudos can be earned by wearing a Bobby Charlton comb-over wig, or by going to a foreign country en masse, getting blind drunk and fighting with the locals.
Voting Tory - Two children are chosen, and each must make a speech before the other guests. One is dressed in fine clothes and must talk in a plummy accent of traditional values, the monarchy and a hatred of foreigners. The other is dressed in rags and must mumble about the workers, the welfare state and the Colonies (AKA Scotland, Wales and Ireland) in a northern accent. Then a mock ballot is held, and the loser is ceremonially beaten.
Saluting George Best - One person (the “George Best”) must drink alcohol until they pass out. Bizarrely, they are then saluted as a hero as they are stretchered into the ambulance.
A Minute’s Silence for the Queen - The Queen is a German enchantress who has somehow managed to bewitch the English into believing that she is more than human. They not only give her money, but even the lives of their sons. She represents nothing that is progressive, equal or sane, yet grown Englishmen will still weep over their Christmas dinners as she reads a speech written by someone else, without any emotion or theatrical flair.
Parading the Frenchman - Over the preceding weeks, the children (often with help from the adults) have constructed an effigy of a Frenchman. At the end of the day, this effigy is paraded around the group, either in a wheelbarrow or merely dragged by the arms, and all must hold their noses as though the smell was unbearable. Finally, the Frenchman is set upon by the children, who tear it limb from limb as the adults chant “Agincourt! Agincourt!”
When the fun was over, what else was there to do but to all sit down to a meal of traditional English food - a macrobiotic, organic Chicken Tikka Masala, specially created by their private chef, Farouk Sanddu.
Bono seems to have predicted the coming of Chris Martin, just as John the Baptist predicted the coming of Jesus, the prophet before him. If you don’t believe me, read these lyrics and then SHUT UP!!!
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
Saint Bono claims to have climbed the highest mountain. Yet Christ Martin asks “how long must I climb up this mountain of mine?” The mountain is OURSELFS, and if we think we can ever stop climbing, we are wrong.
I have run
He understands the importance of keeping fit. After all, obesity rates are rising.
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
The city walls are St. Bono’s confusion - “Confusion never stops, Closing walls and ticking clocks” (AROBTTH 5:3)
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
Saint Bono is looking for the new Messiah (Chris Martin). He will be “On a hilltop, On a sky-rise, Like a firstborn Child, Defeat darkness, Breaking daylight” (AROBTTH 6:4)
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
He is talking about the Sacred Feminine here. Like in Da Vinci’s Code. Chris Martin is not afrain of his femine side, saying he loves his wife and being all melodramatic, but he’s masculine as well, getting mad and kicking off at photographers and that.
I have spoke with the tongue of angel’s - (1 Corinthians 6:1)
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
Chris Martin acnowledges his good and bad sides too - “When I counted up my demons, Saw there was one for everyday, With the good ones on my shoulder, I drove the other ones away.” (PARACHUTES 10:1) - but he has sent his bad ones AWAY, not snuggled up to them like some sorta weird pervert!
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
I believe in the kingdom come
Hidden track on X&Y!
Then all the color’s will bleed into one
Bleed into one
This is Nelson Mandelas’ dream of a RAINBOW NATION. That RASISM IS WRONG is one of the Sacred Tenets of the Church of Chris Martin. It’s just really not on.
Saint Bono was a lot younger when he wrote this song, but he still looks good for 65. He probably does a lot of exercise.
Well yes I’m still running
You broke the bond’s and you
Loosed the chain’s
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it
But Bono remains chained, powerless. He is not the one to loose ALL of our chains, release us from our shame. It is Chris Martin who carried the cross for us. This is true; Bono tells us ‘I believed it’.
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for -
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…
Chris Martin has claimed that the fourthcoming Coldplay album, Viva la Vida, includes “the greatest song ever written”. But if the results of Scientific Tests are to believed, you might still end up in tears. For the song, Death and All His Friends, instantly causes uncontrollable sobbing in anyone who hears it.
“We have tested it in every possible circumstance, and so far no-one has been able to make it past the second verse without blubbering,” a top expert said. “We’ve played it to everything from monkeys to shrews - if it has a tear duct, it’ll wail. In fact, we didn’t even know that fruit-flies could cry, and they seem to be secreting a greyish liquid through their carapaces in a grotesque pastiche of their emotional human masters.”
“We even played it to a Nazi. He broke at the end of the chorus, whimpering like a prick. Only one other person that we tested managed to suppress their lamentations any further into the song - the “popular” “singer” and world-renouned rhyming slang, James Blunt.”
Archpope-in-Cheif Dean Drobbingdon is declaring it a miracle. “There is simply no way that a piece of music can have an affect that is so profound. There are stories of ancient temples and cathedrals that had such perfect form that they could produce tears, but nothing on this scale. The important thing is its testability. This is a piece of art that can produce an inexplicable effect, repeatedly and on demand. What we are looking at here is scientific evidence of the existence of God.”
But even its being an officially-sanctioned supernatural religious phenomenon hasn’t stopped some people thinking of ways that it could be put to more practical use. Expect Coldplay to allow the track to be used in anger management sessions (allowing the release of pent-up emotions), rape alarms (not only immobilising the attacker with bitter sobs, but probably ruining his erection too), and for teachers, the song having been proven to take a class of 30 working-class children from an intense hysteria to a pathetic anguished whimpering in just under 42 seconds.
They won’t be allowing everyone to use it, however. It’s no surprise that the military has made enquiries, but not just any military. We’re talking about the Chinese military.
Beijing are hoping to use it against Olympics protesters, who have found considerable support in the West. “It is a perfect weapon,” a person said, “It will look to the world’s media that they have simply been overtaken by the emotion of seeing this flame, and all that it represents.”
Ironically, the Viva la Vida track entitled Chinese Sleep Chant does not have any known side effects. Any sedative effect experienced will be the standard amount found in all of Coldplay’s recordings.
Then, the USA went to war, and so did The Cold Mountain Singers. They returned to performing upon their return, but they were different men, older and wiser, with a new found urgency to spread their message. Their repertoire had changed too, to incorporate original compositions.
Jim Gilhooley said about the inspiration for Fix Y’all: “Darned if ah don’t know where it came from. I was huddlin in some darn trench with my brother, German shells a-flying over our heads. Then all of a sudden, there comes this strange silence, an all the guns quit shellin, and the sunshine began to break through the clouds and smoke. The tune, the words, everything, began to play in ma head, and I had to rush to git everything writ down in time. It was like it was being channelled through me, comin down from the Most High. I looked up to the sun, and instead ah saw a bright glowing face, with short and curly mousey hair and big blue eyes. He had no beard, and when he spoke it sounded a darn site more english an middle-class than ah reckoned for. He said that it would all make sense one day. Before he disappeared he said “Make Trade Fair.” Ah guess ah didn’t know what to make of that.”
This track was recorded live in Nashville in 1948 during a successful month-long residency. Their star was still in its ascendancy, but a darkness had entered their act. It was only a matter of time before they were to be torn apart.
On Fame - “After being with Gwyn I’ve realised everyone is human. We really build people up as if they are from Mars. Hollywood seems as accessible as Mars.When I started meeting celebrities it was depressing because you can’t believe in the mythology of people any more.”
The four group members, their wives and their many children, gathered at Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s London pad for an afternoon of revelry, and a break from their punishing schedule of marketing the new LP. They enjoyed a few ales and partook of the traditional St. George’s Day festivities. These included -
Re-watching the 1966 World Cup Final - Everyone must say “They think it’s all over - it is now!” at the appropriate moment. Extra kudos can be earned by wearing a Bobby Charlton comb-over wig, or by going to a foreign country en masse, getting blind drunk and fighting with the locals.
A Minute’s Silence for the Queen - The Queen is a German enchantress who has somehow managed to bewitch the English into believing that she is more than human. They not only give her money, but even the lives of their sons. She represents nothing that is progressive, equal or sane, yet grown Englishmen will still weep over their Christmas dinners as she reads a speech written by someone else, without any emotion or theatrical flair.
When the fun was over, what else was there to do but to all sit down to a meal of traditional English food - a macrobiotic, organic Chicken Tikka Masala, specially created by their private chef, Farouk Sanddu.
BEHOLD - THE LAMB OF GOD!
He is talking about the Sacred Feminine here. Like in Da Vinci’s Code. Chris Martin is not afrain of his femine side, saying he loves his wife and being all melodramatic, but he’s masculine as well, getting mad and kicking off at photographers and that.
“We have tested it in every possible circumstance, and so far no-one has been able to make it past the second verse without blubbering,” a top expert said. “We’ve played it to everything from monkeys to shrews - if it has a tear duct, it’ll wail. In fact, we didn’t even know that fruit-flies could cry, and they seem to be secreting a greyish liquid through their carapaces in a grotesque pastiche of their emotional human masters.”
“We even played it to a Nazi. He broke at the end of the chorus, whimpering like a prick. Only one other person that we tested managed to suppress their lamentations any further into the song - the “popular” “singer” and world-renouned rhyming slang, James Blunt.”
But even its being an officially-sanctioned supernatural religious phenomenon hasn’t stopped some people thinking of ways that it could be put to more practical use. Expect Coldplay to allow the track to be used in anger management sessions (allowing the release of pent-up emotions), rape alarms (not only immobilising the attacker with bitter sobs, but probably ruining his erection too), and for teachers, the song having been proven to take a class of 30 working-class children from an intense hysteria to a pathetic anguished whimpering in just under 42 seconds.
Then, the USA went to war, and so did The Cold Mountain Singers. They returned to performing upon their return, but they were different men, older and wiser, with a new found urgency to spread their message. Their repertoire had changed too, to incorporate original compositions.