Tom and Jim Gilhooley (AKA The Cold Mountain Singers) were born on Cold Mountain Farm, Hatchenchubbee, Arkansas, in 1916, the twin sons of an itinerant Polish railroad labourer and an alchoholic seamstress of Scottish extraction. They were raised by both parents on their run-down farmstead until the depression began to bite, and their father left in 1931, never again seeing his boys.
Their mother struggled through, scraping a meagre existance from the dusty soil, supplimented by occasional sewing jobs. Tom and Jim learned to amuse themselves with bible reading and by singing traditional songs, accompanying themselves on guitar and banjo. They were soon a popular turn at the Waverley Saloon, and began to attract attention from the city.
By 1938, the boys were a successful act, playing to audiences throughout Arkansas, and begining to make a name for themselves. This track is believed to have been recorded in 1939, and is one of a mere handful of tracks that are known to have survived.
{The distinct similarity of some of these songs and the work of the contemporary group Coldplay is currently the subject of a major legal proceeding, and I am unable to comment further at this time.}
First, the piece “borrows” the track-by-track breakdown format. Next, they mock our assertion that “Lost” was inspired by the hit TV show, claiming that it contains ridiculous “lyrics” about “Kate, Locke and Sayid”.
But the biggest affront comes in their description of 42: “Some have speculated that the title of this upbeat track is an allusion to Douglas Adams’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy as Martin is an admitted fan of the book.” For “some”, read “The Church of CM”, AKA “me”.
“Actually,” the piece continues, “It’s a tribute to the 42 people who currently hold the Guinness World Record for the largest number of persons to fit in a car at once (the Moss Bay Majorettes from Jacksonville, Florida, who crammed into a Jaguar XJ6 in August of 1984).” New York magazine seems to have forgotton that Chris Martin is English, and unlikely to be concerned with small towns in Florida, Louisiana or even Wisconsin, as the “article” claims.
So what can we make of this? Is New York magazine so chronically short of ideas that it needs to mock an honest religion? And if you want a religion to ridicule, what’s wrong with Scientology?
Or is what the Church is saying SO DANGEROUS that the New York intelligentsia need to SILENCE us? Do they need to crucify someone, just because we have found the new Messiah, JUST LIKE THE LAST TIME? It’s not like we denied the Holocaust or anything!
{The Church of Chris Martin will return with “What Holocaust?” - stay tuned!}
In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn’t change
The lines which he could not change are the lines of prophecy in some of the books in the Old Testament. These appear to predict a coming saviour, or messiah. While Christians believe that Jesus was this Messiah, Jews are still waiting.
I was lost, oh yeah
I was lost, I was lost
Amazing Grace, a traditional hymn - “I was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.” Interestingly, it was the sweet sound of Coldplay that saved this wretch, too!
Crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed
The Cross - need I say more? (Also remincent of Ghostbusters.)
I was lost, oh yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Not long. Chris, the Messiah, is with us TODAY. (The Jews are wrong.)
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Probably a reference to Christ throwing the money-changers from the Temple. However, some commentators have interprited this as a reference to the increasing popularity of peer-to-peer filesharing programs such as Napster & Kazaa.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Depends on your internet connection, really.
Oh for it
I was scared, I was scared
To me, it sometimes seems that we all bear the scars of modern life. On a deeper level, Chris has been scared by the jags on the crown of thorns and the nails through His hands.
Tired and under prepared
But I wait for it
If you go, if you go
Leave me down here on my own
“Down here” is, of course, to Chris, the Earth. He is looking up to his heavenly home and pleading with God, his Father, to give Him a chance to SAVE UOR SOULS. Consider Christ’s words upon the cross - “My Father, why hast thou forsaken me?”
Then I’ll wait for you (yeah)
Sing it
Please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me, me
Come on and sing it out, now, now
Come on and sing it out, to me, me
Come back and sing it
In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn’t change
And I was lost, oh yeah,
And here we come to the true meaning of ALL of Coldplay’s songs - OH YEAH. Because while the government, our parents and schoolteachers all say NO to us, Chris affirms and says YEAH. We DO live in a beautiful world.
EXCLUSIVE: until September this year, Mandy Lyon was just an ordinary person. She went to work, drove her car, watched TV and hung around school playgrounds, just like you or me. But that was before Chris Martin walked into her life. Now, Mandy is just one of the growing number of people who are reporting miracles while in the presence of the one they are calling “the College-Rock Messiah”.
IDLE
Mandy was working as usual, waiting table’s in Turin’s Veronica Cafe, and looking forward to finishing her shift. Her favourite band, Coldplay, were playing a show that night, and she had tickets. She’d waited month for the concert, but it seemed as though these last few hours would last forever.
But when she woke from her daydreaming and looked at the customers on her last table, she almost died of fright. She immediately recognized them as Coldplay - and closest to her, her idol, Chris Martin.
GUACAMOLE
She brought their organic and largely salad-based lunch to them. “Chris was having the nachos,” she later noted with a smile, “He would, he’s edgy.” After a while, she returned to offer them Fair-Trade coffee. They chatted and joked with her, as if she was one of the crew or something. She really felt like she was helping them have a good time.
But when they stood to leave, Mandy noticed with alarm that Chris had some quacamole on his chin. “I don’t know what happened… I didn’t know what to say, so I just reached up and wiped it off his face, with a paper napkin.” She described the ‘beatific’ look he gave her - “His eyes seemed to burn through me, but in a nice way. They seemed to go on forever.”
IMPRINT
Mandy stood rooted to the floor as they left. After a moment, she realised that she was still clutching the napkin with which she had wiped Chris Martin’s face. And she opened it, to see that a miracle had occurred. On the napkin was the EXACT IMAGE of his face, TRANSFERRED like a PHOTOGRAPH upon the paper. So PERFECT was the image that NO-ONE could EVER POSSIBLY consider that it was not a miracle.
Let’s leave the last word to Mandy - “It was a sign that Chris had seen me - the real me - and that he could see through me. He saw my soul. He can see through our petty human lives, straight through to the humanity within.”
“Plus, I guess it made it okay that they didn’t leave a tip.”
Dean Drobbingdon was born in 1972, in a humble council house in a small town in Scotland, England. He was precoscious from an early age, walking by eight months, talking by fourteen, and fluent in four languages by three years.
His school career, however, was marred by the systemic abuse and bullying he experienced. Marked forever as an “outsider”, this was to have a lasting impact on the young man’s psyche. Unsurprisingly, robbed of any opportunity for stimulation or self-expression, he did not excel; but he did become the man who would go on to found The Church of Chris Martin.
It was only a matter of time before he started to think about putting his own spiritual ideas into some kind of order…
But it took a fateful trip to the dentist’s surgery to fix an abcess that was to lead to the founding of The Church. AROBTTH had come out only a week before. While under the effects of the gas, Dean had a vision. The Spirit of Chris Martin visited him, and filled him with light. Chris Martin said unto him, “Burn them all!”
The founder was shocked; but Chris was not finished. “Each one is a prayer for a starving AIDs child. Burn them all.” The background faded from the image of a drab dentist’s surgery, to a cathederal, filled with candles.
For a while, the Founder thought that Chris was also telling him to “Spit!”, but it turned out that it was just the nurse and he was still fucked off the gas.
From this miraculous beginning, the Church of Chris Martin established itself, going online in 2001. Today, it is the fastest-growing indie-rock-based religion in the world. Can you afford NOT to join?
It looks like the Church of Chris Martin’s daring critique of the state has finally come to the attention of “the Powers that Be”.
So what can we make of this? Is New York magazine so chronically short of ideas that it needs to mock an honest religion? And if you want a religion to ridicule, what’s wrong with Scientology?
Dean Drobbingdon was born in 1972, in a humble council house in a small town in Scotland, England. He was precoscious from an early age, walking by eight months, talking by fourteen, and fluent in four languages by three years.
The founder was shocked; but Chris was not finished. “Each one is a prayer for a starving AIDs child. Burn them all.” The background faded from the image of a drab dentist’s surgery, to a cathederal, filled with candles.