The Church of Chris Martin

When the Saints Go Marching In

There is one God, and Chris Martin is His prophet.

Dean Drobbingdon is Archpope-in-Cheif.

And we are the Church.

But what about the Saints? So far, these are the only Saints recognised by the Church of Chris Martin:

• Gwyneth
• Bono
• Nelson Mandela
• Sting
• Mother Theresa

But the time is right to canonise a new Saint! Vote now!

• Who do you think should be nominated for Sainthood?

July 31 2008 | Doctrine and news and site news | 2 Comments »

Forum Classics #2: Chris Martin speaks?

What would Chris Martin think if he saw your site? That’s the biggest criticism thrown at the Church of Chris Martin by the UNBELIEVING HEATHENS (like the hated COLDPLAYING.COM). He wouldn’t want to be treated like a god, they say! He would think you guys were creepy!

But would he? What if Chris Martin saw the Church of Chris Martin website and liked it, enough to write something in the Forum?

Did it really happen? Well, just maybe…

It all started like this:

Jackie Magabbon

Jan 10, 05 - 5:44 AM I shagged God Martin!

Long time ago now, i still love him, he broke my heart.
But, i will always the carry the memory in my godly heart.
Jackie. xxxxxxx

 

Yellowfan

Feb 6th, 2005 - 4:18 PM Re: I shagged God Martin!

OMG!!! You are like the second luckiest girl in the whole world! I bet you hate Gwyneth

 

Heirophant

Feb 8th, 2005 - 2:31 AM Re: I shagged God Martin!

Then we shall call you Magdalene.Thou art blessed!

But then this happened:

chris martin

Apr 19th, 2005 - 1:56 AM Re: Re: Re: You sad bunch of *******s

Hello my people
great site
i’ll get round to shagging you all one day

Email: *****@aol.com (obscured for security reasons)

heirophant

May 4th, 2005 - 1:01 AM Re: You sad bunch of *******s

Uhhh… this is a joke, right?
Danny MacNamarra, is that you?

yellowfan
May 5th, 2005 - 9:58 PM Re: You sad bunch of *******s

 

OMG!!!! WTF?!!! IIT?!!
IS IT TRUE!!!

So is it true? Did Chris Martin visit the Forums? Coldplay are noted for reading what is written about them on the net, and it does kinda sound like Chris’s sense of humour…

• What do you think?

July 28 2008 | Church History | 30 Comments »

Courtney Love on Chris Martin & Gwyneth Paltrow

As reported elsewhere, Courtney Love’s Myspace blog recently featured an account of a visit to the London home of Chris ‘n’ Gwyny. Most blogs have edited her rant to make her seem more ridiculous than she really is. But not the CoCM!

What follows is the full text of her post:

“So whoever it was that like HACKED into my Google account (mrskurtcobain@gmail.com) and SENT STUFF to like everybody in my address book… FUCK YOU!!!1! I do NOT think Billy Corgan is a retard!! I did NOT accidentelly snort cornflour!! I DID SO really play guitar on Holes albums! Believe me I actually PAY SOMEONE in Pakistan or some shit to CHECK MY MAILS BEFORE I SEND THEM!! Seriously, I am a PARENT now!! Ive had to like buy three new computers for my house to prevent my DAUGHTER from reading what actually happened and suffering ABUSE fromthese fuckers!!

So Yeah Here’s a story that your all gonna love! I went over to see my BESTEST EVER FRIEND GP and her husband Chris Martin out of BEST-SELLING GROUP Coldplay yesterday. OMG she is a super goddess!!!! I was like panicking and FREAKING OUT that i wouldn’t be good enough for there perfect house and there perfect children and there perfect life. I was in London for the night and nothing else to do but still its nerve racking to go to a geniouses house!!! So I tuurn up with my bottle of so so wine and this dress that like looks like a thrift-store bargin but is by Chanel so FUCK YOU BITCHES!!!! Anyway I wore it with some old shelltoes but so what? I’m a parent now. So Gwyneth opens the door and shes like “Its so nice to see you” and Im like oh God she is JUST SO FREAKIN COMPASSIONATE!!

So Im like thinking, what if Chris asks me to play him at chess? What if GP tries to convert me to Kaballah? What if the macrobiotic food SUCKS?! What if fuckin DAVE BOWIE turns up and Im sitting there with my shelltoes and Louis Vitton and Rimmel panda eyes on there perfect fucking sofa? WTF?! Then GP farted and Chris makes this freakin hilarious joke and i wasLITERALLY cracking up! What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangeroo? A WOOLY FREAKIN JUMPER!

OMG I LOVE THESE GUYS SO MUCH!!!!! She is so sexy and thin but she’s also smart - smarter even than me. I don’t wanna tell you my IQ cos I hate people who boast about stuff like that and I mean who cares anyway right, but it starts with onehundred and fifty!!!

So we meet the kids and there like grabbing at me and I have to tell them that the dress is Chanel and can they back off? So we go inside and GP says that Chris has been looking through his records and has one that I SHOULD TOTALLY COVER. And you know what he was right. Hes a FREAKIN GENIOUS.”

For anyone interested, click below to hear the song Chris selected:

July 20 2008 | news | 2 Comments »

Forum Classics #1: Your Distressing Site

Back in the day, the Forum for the Faithful was where THE CONVERTED communicated with THE CHURCH. Problem was, it was a bit detatched from the rest of the site, and the software was outdated and ugly. So, when the Church of Chris Martin became a blog, the Forum was shut down.

But some of the threads were too good to lose forever. So, in the first of an ongoing series, we present Forum Classics #1.

All of the posts are complete and unedited and genuine. Heirophant is me, everyone else is who they claim to be, as far as I know.

So, without further ado, this one, dating from 2005 -

Mouse

Oct 5, 05 - 1:16 AM your distressing site

this is the most ridiculous site I have ever had the misfortune of coming across. It is an insult to Coldplay and the other good bands you are openly slandering. You clearly have a mindset about what makes good music, and had you taken the time to listen to some of these bands (aka oasis) you may be more tolerant.
Heirophant

Oct 6th, 2005 - 1:11

Firstly, “a.k.a” means “also known as”, and is generally used to signify an alias. So, if you are actually saying that all “other good bands” are Oasis under an alias, then I think I am safe in saying that you are incorrect.

(Although you could be right about McFly, as they also want to be the Beatles, DESPERATELY. I haven’t heard them actually steal one of their songs or titles though, so I guess that they’re not Oasis.)

Secondly, we have slandered no-one. If we choose to believe Chris Martin is the Messiah, it is a matter of personal faith! Can you prove that he is NOT the Messiah? If you can, there’s a fortune to be made - prove that Mohammed was not the prophet and make a mint off the born-again Christians!

PS - as “the most ridiculous site” that you’ve “ever had the misfortune of coming across”, thanks for reading the whole thing and even contributing to the forum! Cheers!

Heirophant

Oct 6th, 2005 - 1:13 AM

PPS - In case I sounded sarcastic, I actually really like Oasis and respect their work -

- IN A NUN’S TWAT!!!!!

Yellowfan

Oct 24th, 2005 - 3:23 AM

I have never heard this Oasis band yet, but I am hoping that i get to soon, because i would like to be more tolerant. Tolerants is good.

If only the Islams could be more tolerant we might not have so many wars.

• Without further ado, more forum comments:

B. - Take a dig at all you don’t understand
Jun 12, 05 - 6:01 PM

Nice Coldplay ********* site…

I’m not a ‘****in’ student’ as the wise and powerful Liam Gallagher so profoundly put it. In fact, I’m from a not so different part of Manny as Liam himself. I’ve met and brawled with lots of mindless ******* like him. I’ve even twated a few of them, with much pleasure, I must admit. All they do is walk around happy being nothing, talking ****e all day long to carbon copies of themselves and trying hard to impress their little twelve year old ‘wannabe-thems’ that hang on their every ‘****’ and ‘bollocks’.

Yep, I’m from there. The same background as Liam. He’s an immature little git. The sad thing is, he doesn’t know it. And probably never will. His brain’s been scorched by coke and speed. His sad attempt to emmulate John Lennon can only be laughed at.

To take the **** out of someone like Chris Martin in this day and age can only be down to the work of some mindless ****** like Liam with somekind of computer knowledge that where only God himself knows came from.

The world is in a sorry state, wake up and smell the gunsmoke boys, the world needs noble people like Chris Martin, and less tossers with no worldly experience or suffering to make pathetic and time wasting websites.

Thank you.

B.

Heirophant

Jun 14th, 2005 - 1:15 PM

I totally agree!!!!1!!!

These mindless ******s who feel the need to slag off Chris Martin - like CHRISMARTINISSATAN.ORG and the alt.evilcoldplay newsgroup - really DONT’ understand!

They just dont’ see it - if they could see it then they’d understand (LOL!) Liam Gallagher is an idiot and a BLASPHEMER.

The world needed someone like Chris to show us where we have gone astray, someone gentle, thoughtfull and nobel.

noel

Jun 22nd, 2005 - 3:30 PM

bollocks to the lot of ya. its fkn amazin. yer a fair collection of un informed twats with no basis for any of yer insignificant opinions but what the media feeds u. twats the lot of ya.

yellowfan

Jun 14th, 2005 - 1:17 PM

Don’t forget gorgeous!!!!!!!!11!!!!

liam

Jun 15th, 2005 - 1:38 PM
twats!

Favourite Coldplay song: http://That would have to be Politik.

True Coldplay fans, each and every one. Doesn’t it make you happy that the world is filled with people like this?

July 11 2008 | Church History | 7 Comments »

What Would Chris Do?

Sometimes, we all just have one of those days. Everything’s going wrong, everyone you meet seems to want to act like a prick. It feels like the whole world’s out to get you.

When we get frustrated like this, it’s easy to loose your temper and lash out at those around us. But that just leads to unpopularity, self-loathing and criminal charges. If only there was a simple way to get your head straight and cool down…

WELL NOW THERE IS!

Simply close your eyes, take a deep breath, and repeat these words - What Would Chris Do?

Chris’s endless positivity means he always sees the bright side of any situation. He sees everything as a puzzle, so his creative mind comes up with practical solutions. And the fact that he’s a fully qualified prophesying Messiah doesn’t go amiss, neither!

Here’s how it might apply to everyday situations -

• Your girlfriend leaves you and runs off with your best friend, leaving you feeling hollow and wanting to punch their stupid faces until your fists are reduced to mince. What Would Chris Do?
  • Have a hot bath with candles and drink a reasonable amount of wine.
  • Listen to the greatest breakup album of all time, Running In The Family by Level 42
  • Turn the experience into an album of bittersweet college-rock anthems.

• You are watching the Ten O’Clock News one evening, and you become terribly concerned because the situation in the Middle East is worse than ever! It seems as though War is immanent, and therefore the death of innocent children. What Would Chris Do?
  • Donate the maximum tax-deductable amount to a reputable charity.
  • Get Sting and Bono in to record “Do They Know it’s Ramadan?”
  • Rename Islamabad “Islamagood”.

• You are coming out of a hotel, a little tired and emotional, and a paparazzo takes your photograph. What Would Chris Do?
  • Hide under a puffa jacket with a large hood and sunglasses.
  • Shout at the pap about “Respect”.
  • Scratch his car with a key and chase him down the street.
    

Over to you - tell us how you’ve done something differently by asking, What Would Chris Do?

July 07 2008 | Doctrine | 21 Comments »

The Church of Chris Martin vs. coldplaying.com

Coldplaying.com (which is like a low-rent version of the Church of Chris Martin where the people DON’T EVEN REALISE THEY’RE BELIEVERS) have had an interesting thread in the discussion forum at the moment, where they make some VERY inflamitory statements. They have all sorts of misconceptions about what we do, and what’s more, their misconceptions are wrong.

I want to refute some of these hurtful statements, quoted below -

• When I first found it I thought it was all one big joke - It is not. Chris Martin is ACTUALLY the new Messiah, it’s a scientific FACT. There is nothing funny about that!
• I guess it’s flattering, but you knoooow Chris would not like it. - He would so.
  
• Some of those statements are absolute bull-shit, Chris being contacted by the C.I.A. to fly - It’s a matter of public record, actually. I’d post the documents but I’ve been told not to by my contact in the intelligence services.
• **agrees with the creep factor** although i often remark to my family that”Chris Martin IS God’ when they go on about my obsession with CP - You see, these people have been deifying Chris Martin for years, we just take it more literally, that’s all. At least we’re aware of what we’re doing - these guys seem blissfully ignorant.
• I don’t know if Chris wants a devoted following. Well, besides us. - See what I mean?
• Next they’ll be wanting to sacrifice people. - Will not. We want to “Fix them”.

It is not the policy of the Church of Chris Martin to be a part of any petty arguments - however, in this case, we will make an exception, and DECLARE HOLY WAR on Coldplaying.com. They are heritics, unbelievers, blasphemers and a bunch of real shits too.

It is now the SACRED DUTY of all true Martinites to uphold this CRUSADE and boycott Coldplaying.com, and say rude things about them whenever possible. Chris be with you.

July 03 2008 | news and site news | 13 Comments »