Archive for September, 2008
This thread has appeared on the generally reliable Paranormal Forums at www.psychics.co.uk.
In it, a semi-literate man who claims to be a black cab driver reports that the world will end next year, but only if Chris Martin’s alleged new band “The Illuminatias” hit #1 in the US. He also claims that P Diddy is the head of the “Illuminatia Panthers”, and that other members include Amy Winehouse, Peter Sutcliffe, Tim Henman and Peter Griffin. He also claims to regularly drive “Lizard People” around, and claims that British people refer to the Illuminati as “illumies“.
So what are we to make of this nonsense? It is obviously untrue, not only because Chris Martin does not have a side-project called “The Illuminatias”, but because he’s the Messiah, not some kind of Masonic Antichrist. Also, here the UK, we don’t call the Illuminati “Illumies”, we call them “The Republican Party“. Moreover, Peter Griffen does NOT belong to any secret societies.
It would seem that The Church is once more under attack from those who seek to hide the truth - probably the alt.chrismartinissatan newsgroup, or Coldplaying.com. This post is disinformation, seeking to discredit the Church by publishing LIES in our style. The difference is that we do not publish nonsense about the Illuminati and so on - we publish THE TRUTH - Chris Martin is the Messiah. These LIARS are a virtual Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to our digital Mount Carmel. They fire in online canisters of CS gas, and we just keep on prayin’.
Chris be with you.
September 24 2008 | news | 5 Comments »
A few months ago, The Church of Chris Martin declared Holy War on Coldplaying.com, a run-of-the-mill fansite who made the mistake of calling us “wierd” and “creepy”. It’s the kind of place where people have an “amusing” animated gif of Guy Berryman as their profile picture, have twenty-line, multicoloured signatures that take up half the screen, and think that “LOL!!” is a response that adds something to the discussion. Here’s the link.
Now it’s time for an update. Here are some of the comments they have posted since we declared Holy War:
“Chris would hate your site!” - He does not. See our recent post.
“I KNOW HE’S A TALENTED MAN, BUT HE’S NOT A F*CKING GOD!” - Duh! As we keep saying, Chris Martin is the chosen prophet of God - it even says it in our tagline up top of the page!!! He’s more like Christ or Allah or Noel Edmunds. Typical - they declare us “insane”, yet they haven’t even read the site!
“Does anybody else think we should delete this thread?” - That’s exactly what THE MAN WANTS! And you call yourself Coldplay fans? The Man always censors what he is afraid of, what he can’t understand. Chris is AGAINST censorship - and we will attempt to silence anyone who censors people!
“If they really want a war I’m pretty sure we could whup some ass” - So where’s it at? If a few rambling posts that try to argue that coldplaying fans are smart by using out-of-context and probably sarcastic quotes from CM is having our ass “whupped”, then the Church of Chris Martin can confidently claim to have won the Holy War in the first skirmishes. (Whatever “whup” means, anyway - I presume it’s an American attempting to spell “whip”.)
“Are we still at war?” - YOU BET YOUR ASSES!!
September 16 2008 | news | 17 Comments »
A few months ago, the Church of Chris Martin bought some interstellar real estate - a small star in the southern hemisphere, 200 light years away. We asked you to vote for the name.
Now the results are in and counted - and we have a clear winner. By an overwhelming majority, you voted for Yellow.
So I gave you your wish. This arrived in the post this morning (click for a close-up) -
It should be noted that the star is NOT yellow, but is in fact well in the red end of the spectrum, slightly beyond the visible. (NB - Red Dwarf is one of Chris’s fave TV shows!) It also cannot be seen from the Northern Hemisphere.
As science progresses, the CoCM will moniter our star, in the hope that there are Earth-like planets there. Or at least a gas giant which a space station could be put into orbit around. Because if the masses do not listen to Chris and the CoCM, we face complete meltdown at some point in the coming century. On the day Armageddon arrives, as the missiles start flying, the Martinis will be boardingour yellow spacecraft and heading for our star, far away from the problems of the weak masses, to start a new life.
Or if that doesn’t work, we can just mine all the fossil fuels, and flog them to the US!
September 11 2008 | Doctrine and news and site news | 3 Comments »
The web is abuzz with the news that Chris Martin has had a few tattoos done. It seems to be a sort of mid-life crisis thing, but like twenty years too early. “Getting tattooed is brilliant,” he quipped, “It’s the best buzz ever – especially if you are married and can’t take drugs because the Daily Mirror might find out.” (Of course, he doesn’t take drugs because it is WRONG.)
But what tattoos would someone like Chris get? And where? The Church of Chris Martin reveals all!
Chris’s first tattoo was of his all-time hero (and future CoCM Saint?) John Lennon, on his left arm. The portrait is a copy of the photograph that came with the seminal White Album - although Chris finds the record a bit rough and much prefers Abbey Road!
Next came a portrait of the greatest poet of the Twentieth Century - at least until Chris came along! - Jim Morrison out of the Doors. His poetry was a great influence on CM - “Heads bob up, poise, delicate, pause, consent; In mute nostril agony, carefully refined and sealed over.” Chris also wishes he was brave enough to be influenced by hisflowing Byronic locks. This doesn’t mean that Chris approves of alcoholism or exhibitionism, however.
Then Chris decided on something more spiritual. He decided to adorn his left thigh with a traditional Thai representation of Maytrayia, the future Buddha - which, ironically, Chris Martin may in fact be! He chose a Thai Buddha due to the terrible tsunami that had recently hit, causing the western middle-class to empty their pockets in a spontaneous show of guilt for exploiting their poverty for sex-tourism.
He’s not all spirituality, however. The letter that serves as a frame is the sanscrit word for “Sexy“.
His latest tattoo is of TRAGIC OSCAR-SHOE-IN, Heath Ledger. He was brilliant as the Joker, and so maybe he took too much drugs and was a bit of a drunk, but he played a gay guy in Brokeback Mountain when he wasn’t even gay, so leave him alone, okay! The Church of Chris Martin SUPPORTS GAYS.
We at the Church of Chris Martin politely suggest that these might not be the only tattoos that Chris has. Do any of our readers have any suggestions what other body parts might be tattoed, and how?
No matter what tattoo design you have in mind, you can find tattoo artists to get them done.
September 08 2008 | Did you know!? and news | 10 Comments »
