New Coldplay song causes instant weeping
“Tears stream down your face…” (X&Y 4:22)
Chris Martin has claimed that the fourthcoming Coldplay album, Viva la Vida, includes “the greatest song ever written”. But if the results of Scientific Tests are to believed, you might still end up in tears. For the song, Death and All His Friends, instantly causes uncontrollable sobbing in anyone who hears it.
“We have tested it in every possible circumstance, and so far no-one has been able to make it past the second verse without blubbering,” a top expert said. “We’ve played it to everything from monkeys to shrews - if it has a tear duct, it’ll wail. In fact, we didn’t even know that fruit-flies could cry, and they seem to be secreting a greyish liquid through their carapaces in a grotesque pastiche of their emotional human masters.”
“We even played it to a Nazi. He broke at the end of the chorus, whimpering like a prick. Only one other person that we tested managed to suppress their lamentations any further into the song - the “popular” “singer” and world-renouned rhyming slang, James Blunt.”
Archpope-in-Cheif Dean Drobbingdon is declaring it a miracle. “There is simply no way that a piece of music can have an affect that is so profound. There are stories of ancient temples and cathedrals that had such perfect form that they could produce tears, but nothing on this scale. The important thing is its testability. This is a piece of art that can produce an inexplicable effect, repeatedly and on demand. What we are looking at here is scientific evidence of the existence of God.”
But even its being an officially-sanctioned supernatural religious phenomenon hasn’t stopped some people thinking of ways that it could be put to more practical use. Expect Coldplay to allow the track to be used in anger management sessions (allowing the release of pent-up emotions), rape alarms (not only immobilising the attacker with bitter sobs, but probably ruining his erection too), and for teachers, the song having been proven to take a class of 30 working-class children from an intense hysteria to a pathetic anguished whimpering in just under 42 seconds.
They won’t be allowing everyone to use it, however. It’s no surprise that the military has made enquiries, but not just any military. We’re talking about the Chinese military.
Beijing are hoping to use it against Olympics protesters, who have found considerable support in the West. “It is a perfect weapon,” a person said, “It will look to the world’s media that they have simply been overtaken by the emotion of seeing this flame, and all that it represents.”
Ironically, the Viva la Vida track entitled Chinese Sleep Chant does not have any known side effects. Any sedative effect experienced will be the standard amount found in all of Coldplay’s recordings.
April 22 2008 02:07 am | Did you know!? and news