The Church of Chris Martin vs. coldplaying.com
Coldplaying.com (which is like a low-rent version of the Church of Chris Martin where the people DON’T EVEN REALISE THEY’RE BELIEVERS) have had an interesting thread in the discussion forum at the moment, where they make some VERY inflamitory statements. They have all sorts of misconceptions about what we do, and what’s more, their misconceptions are wrong.
I want to refute some of these hurtful statements, quoted below -
- When I first found it I thought it was all one big joke - It is not. Chris Martin is ACTUALLY the new Messiah, it’s a scientific FACT. There is nothing funny about that!
- I guess it’s flattering, but you knoooow Chris would not like it. - He would so.
- Some of those statements are absolute bull-shit, Chris being contacted by the C.I.A. to fly - It’s a matter of public record, actually. I’d post the documents but I’ve been told not to by my contact in the intelligence services.
- **agrees with the creep factor**
although i often remark to my family that”Chris Martin IS God’ when they go on about my obsession with CP - You see, these people have been deifying Chris Martin for years, we just take it more literally, that’s all. At least we’re aware of what we’re doing - these guys seem blissfully ignorant. - I don’t know if Chris wants a devoted following. Well, besides us. - See what I mean?
- Next they’ll be wanting to sacrifice people. - Will not. We want to “Fix them”.
It is not the policy of the Church of Chris Martin to be a part of any petty arguments - however, in this case, we will make an exception, and DECLARE HOLY WAR on Coldplaying.com. They are heritics, unbelievers, blasphemers and a bunch of real shits too.
It is now the SACRED DUTY of all true Martinites to uphold this CRUSADE and boycott Coldplaying.com, and say rude things about them whenever possible. Chris be with you.
July 03 2008 01:07 pm | news and site news
Nettie on 04 Jul 2008 at 12:28 am #
That was LMFAO funny. You rock!
Ricardo on 04 Jul 2008 at 5:34 am #
hahahahahahahahaha
Mophet on 04 Jul 2008 at 8:23 am #
Hilarious
EnglishSilk on 04 Jul 2008 at 8:30 am #
How could you dare call me”blissfully ignorant?”
It was Chris Martin himself who said “Coldplay fans are the most intelligent people in the world…..”
Go serve THAT at your CHRISmas mass, you ass!
EnglishSilk on 05 Jul 2008 at 12:44 am #
Chris Martin:”Coldplay is for people with great taste, intelligence, incredible good lookingness, talent, ability, success, grabbing of life. Coldplay’s for people who know what life’s about. They’re always entertaining. Delightful to talk to. Sweet, charming, incredibly good in bed. Virile. They have incredible success with girls, or boys, or both. They’re generally just the world’s best citizens. Maybe I’m biased, but I’m definitely right.”
The Church of Chris Martin » Bloody Coldplaying.com Again! on 25 Apr 2009 at 12:00 pm #
[…] a holy war, which the Church of Chris Martin TOTALLY WON, these stupid people are still seriously suggesting […]
Me gusta el queso... on 25 Apr 2009 at 2:45 pm #
Are you serious? This is ridiculous! What kind of a website is this?! Ugh…this place is sooo creepy! *closes window and heads back to Coldplaying.com*
German Shepard on 25 Apr 2009 at 3:55 pm #
Fear Not Chris Churchians-for I am a member of the Prayer Warriors. We are a righteous group of exalted beings (much like Chris Martin) who have been sorted out among the riff raff of the human race to interact with GOD-”THE MAN” and intercede for good causes.
I have chosen your Holy War as my platform to expugn the heresay and hereticisms of the misguided at Coldplay.com. I believe that some disgruntled GOOP adherants got lose off Mother Gwyneth’s website and they are raising Cain over-perhaps inaccurate information from Gwen about IPL Photo-facials or even-God forbid : the latest Chanel nailpolish color!
Fear Not Good people of this Church. Just like the Illuminatti in that Dan Brown book-I deny myself food, water, pleasure, etc., and pull the whips out and give myself a lashing–all so I can go before the Great One & pray that you shall prevail in this Holy Crusade of World domination. Know that I am on my knees for you Oh! Master of chick music-Chris Martin!
BladeRunner on 10 May 2009 at 8:47 pm #
Today, I believe shall forever hold a special significance. It was the day I heard HIS quiet voice speaking to me. I’d blocked it out in the past, blinded to His truth. But, today - I listened and he spoke.
It happened while I was looking out the car window whilst at a set of traffic lights. I could not know at that time that they’d be so symbolic. I sat at a crossroads when Chris Came. His quiet voice intoned: ‘Soldier come home to me’. How did Chris know I was a soldier? How could he know that?
My disbelief hardened my heart for a moment, but then he continued:
‘All I deserve is for you to come home’
A true Messiah is as self-less as Chris. I knew at once that he was speaking to me.
If there are any doubting Thomases out there, I challenge you to listen, just listen.
Only when you are still, can you come like a child to Chris and drink of his stream of wisdom.
Drink deeply and be sated.
Benedictine Liqueur on 11 May 2009 at 4:26 am #
Oh that was so beautiful-BladeRunner! To drink of Chris deeply is to imbide the nectar of life. You inspire me with your tales of inspiration at the stoplight and how would he know you are a soldier-especially when you are wearing your uniform and namebadge!
And then to come to a realization that the Great One reaches out to you and speaks truisms such as “All I deserve is for you to come home.” You are truly blessed. As such here are some rules for others cruisng around town looking for Chris Martin to hover into their proximity. Just remember-CM is universal–He is everywhere and anywhere!
1) Especially in traffic and at stoplights-seek Him out among rush hour.
2) Challenge God-like Chris to guess your occupation. No peaking at work attire or hinting.
3) If you believe a true Messiah is speaking to you-prove if He is self-less–ask Him if that $100 bill you found on the ground by His feet, belongs to Him?
4) Finally; meditate on the following lyrics from “Cemeteries of London:” “..God is in the houses..and God is in my head..and all the cemeteries of London. I see God in my garden, but I don’t know what He said, for my heart it wasn’t open..not open.”
5) You may see God in your garden-no it’s not that hot illegal alien gardener! Or that skinny-dipping chick over the garden fence swimming in her pool!
6) Remember to keep your heart open..otherwise a closed heart will constrict blood vessels and may cause angina (not a sexually-transmitted disease)
God Bless you BladeRunner and find Chris wherever he may come up on you-grab him-and drink deeply & be sated! Hallelujah!
cold.playing.com.NOT! on 12 May 2009 at 6:06 pm #
YES! A call to Arms! The Holy Crusade is on! All it took was an unholy visit to Arch Pope Drubbingdon (& a bit of a nasty rash) to put the Fear of Chris Martin into our titular head. Now all Martinites need to spend the time to open up a coldplaying.com account and go thread some Holy Hell on those heathens. They might even be the ones financing Cat Stevens, uh..Yusef Islam’s blasphemies against our Beloved Fixture in a vain attempt to (again) call attention away from themselves! But the Church knows and with the fire lit under the arse of Holy Arch Pope, we will ride our white steads over to the the dim, dank basement where acne-scarred , (virgin)coldplaying-ers are enscounced. There they will hide no longer and the bright light of pure Chris(t) love will call them out & we will have the final victory! Rex Mundi Church of Chris Martin. “Just Say NO!” to coldplaying.com!
BladeRunner on 16 May 2009 at 2:52 pm #
Chris told me it is right to do this. He says:
‘Brothers and sisters unite’
Unite against our common enemy! Chris also says:
‘So come over just be patient and don’t worry
And don’t worry…
Try
Try
Try ‘
It doesn’t matter how long it takes to destroy the heathen, it just matters that we try.
Unite my Brothers and Sisters! Unite!!
(Like a Vigin) by Madonna on 17 May 2009 at 7:14 am #
Oh! BladeRunner-you did it again..you are just so inspirational. What you say is simplistic and unsophisticated..but so real and truthful…Whilst our task-master Drobbingdon is somewhat aloof and ivory-tower-ish, YOU are right there on the street..hearing Beloved CM calling out to you…I believe you have some sort of mental rapport with CM & can thought-channel the special C/P lyrics he wants to convey to the world. You are truly blessed. I would offer to try and make you a cursorary SAINT in the Church of CM, but Daddy Drob would just say NO! Instead I will call you the “The Enlightened One,” and if CM should ever offer you any stock tips, would you please let the rest of us know? Blesed are you BladeRunner-among us.You are…”like a virgin!”