The Church of Chris Martin

Bloody Coldplaying.com Again!

Seriously - they never learn, do they?

Despite a holy war, which the Church of Chris Martin TOTALLY WON, these stupid people are still seriously suggesting that Chris Martin is NOT the Messiah!! I can’t even tell if they’re being serious!

Read it here (or here, without the stupid signatures and pictures etc), but be warned, it’s pretty scary.

Right. Who’s up for a bit of HOLY SMACKDOWN?

April 25 2009 | site news | 30 Comments »

St George’s Day

On Saint George’s Day, all around the world, Englishmen and women gather to celebrate their proud cultural heritage. Coldplay, England’s top artistic (and spiritual) export, are no exception.

The four group members, their wives and their many children, are expected to gather at Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s London pad today for an afternoon of revelry, and a break from their punishing tour schedule, to enjoy a few ales and partake of the traditional St. George’s Day festivities -

• Re-watching the 1966 World Cup Final - Everyone must say “They think it’s all over - it is now!” at the appropriate moment. Extra kudos can be earned by wearing a Bobby Charlton comb-over wig, or by going to a foreign country en masse, getting blind drunk and fighting with the locals.
• Voting Tory - Two children are chosen, and each must make a speech before the other guests. One is dressed in fine clothes and must talk in a plummy accent of traditional values, the monarchy and a hatred of foreigners. The other is dressed in rags and must mumble about the workers, the welfare state and the Colonies (AKA Scotland, Wales and Ireland) in a northern accent. Then a mock ballot is held, and the loser is ceremonially beaten.
• Saluting George Best - One person (the “George Best”) must drink alcohol until they pass out. Bizarrely, they are then saluted as a hero as they are stretchered into the ambulance.
• A Minute’s Silence for the Queen - The Queen is a German enchantress who has somehow managed to bewitch the English into believing that she is more than human. They not only give her money, but even the lives of their sons. She represents nothing that is progressive, equal or sane, yet grown Englishmen will still weep over their Christmas dinners as she reads a speech written by someone else, without any emotion or theatrical flair.
• Parading the Frenchman - Over the preceding weeks, the children (often with help from the adults) have constructed an effigy of a Frenchman. At the end of the day, this effigy is paraded around the group, either in a wheelbarrow or merely dragged by the arms, and all must hold their noses as though the smell was unbearable. Finally, the Frenchman is set upon by the children, who tear it limb from limb as the adults chant “Agincourt! Agincourt!”

When the fun is over, what else is there to do but to sit down to a meal of traditional English food - a macrobiotic, organic Chicken Tikka Masala, specially created by their private chef, Farouk Sanddu.

April 23 2009 | news | 7 Comments »

When Chris Martin realised his Divinity

Many years ago, when Drobbingdon founded the Church of Chris Martin, Coldplay had just released AROBTTH. The album was filled with cries of hope for spiritual rebirth, and the expectation of a coming messiah. But two years later, they released X&Y, and the message had become one of salvation.

At some point between the two albums, Chris Martin had become conscious of the fact that he was not waiting for a messiah, he WAS that messiah. Let’s look at the evidence.

(Click the embedded links for fuller exegeses of these songs.)

First, from AROBTTH… God Put A Smile

Where do we go, nobody knows
I’ve gotta say I’m on my way down

Chris feels that life has no meaning. Yet he remains aware of an imminant divinity -

God give me style and give me grace
God put a smile upon my face

A normal person, he is no better and no more informed than the rest of us -

Now when you work it out I’m worse than you
Yeah when you work it out, I want it too
Now when you work out where to draw the line
Your guess is as good as mine…

He’s still looking for lines and meanings in In My Place…

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn’t change

The lines which he could not change are the lines of prophecy in the Old Testament. These appear to predict a coming saviour, or messiah.

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah.

Chris wanders the Earth, (first World Tour!) waiting until the new Messiah appears -

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

But soon, his revelation came… continue reading »

April 18 2009 | Doctrine and Interpretation | 21 Comments »