Archive for May, 2009
A big thank you for all the recent comments. I feel like Saint Paul, ministering a growing circle of new Churches, small groups that would eventually grow into the Christian world, writing epistles and dealing with an ever-growing number of heresies. Unlike Paul, however, I didn’t try and kill our prophet first! Doh!
- The comments for 42, despite any harmful conspiracy theories, was caused by a glitch within Wordpress, not any desire to silence decention against the Archpope-in-Cheif. The two Vietnamese 14-year-olds we pay to run the blog were unable to correct the error. I missed the comments, so if you wish, please lay them on us at the end of this post.
- Download Coldplay’s new live album for free!
- The Church of Chris Martin… in Spanish!
- Tell me - would you appreciate a weekly round-up of Chris Martin-related news stories?
- A delightful poem to brighten your day.
- The Church of Chris Martin is looking to make a new film, and we want your help! If you would be willing to record yourself talking about what the CoCM means to you, send us an e-mail to indoctrination [AT] thechurchofchrismartin.com. Lets get together to win hearts and minds!
May 19 2009 | site news | 11 Comments »
So Yusef, neé Yusef Islam, neé Cat Stevens, is threatening to sue Coldplay over Viva La Vida, is he? Here we go again - this brings the total number of plagarism claims to three.
There are a huge number of jokes I could make about this - Cat Theivens, Poosef, he’d sue if he wasn’t such a pussy, etc - but I won’t. It’s beneath me.
I’m Being Followed By A Goon Shadow. That’s a good one.
I won’t even point out that he helped popularise the Ovation, a notoriously thin-sounding guitar which has a curved back that makes it slide off your leg.
Islam claims that the track is ripped off of his 1973 flop album Foriegner. It wasn’t, but the number of searches for “Cat Stevens” on Wikipedia leapt from 3000 per day on the first of May to 21,ooo (seven times higher) by the 15th. I know I’d never heard of it before. Conveniently, the allegation was made the same week his new album Roadsinger was released.
Even more spinelessly, he said that whether he sued or not would “depend on how well Satriani does”. But I suppose the real question is, if he’s so convinced, why isn’t he suing Joe Satriani?
May 18 2009 | news | 15 Comments »
Chris Martin ranks 42nd in this year’s Sunday Times Rich List - with a fortune of £42 million!
This comes as Martin tours an album featuring a track called 42, and which runs exactly 42 minutes. And yet humanity still insists that CM is JUST a singer, and that the symbolism the CoCM take from his teachings are “mere coincidence”.
Chris, it should be noted, is not only a big fan of dead comedy-slash-sci-fi writer Douglas Adams, whose books claim that 42 is the meaning of “Life, the Universe, and Everything”, but also of US TV show Lost, which features a series of numbers - including 42 - which have affected the lives of all the Oceanic 316 survivors.
What is happening here? Was he foretelling the future? Do other of Chris’s lyrics also include prophecy?
Did he foresee the Credit Crunch? Did he see Swine Flu coming? Does Life in Technicolour foretell a time of tribulation (”there’s a cold war coming”)? Does Yellow predict the economic dominance of China? Does Viva la Vida foretell the passing of Christianity as the Church of Chris Martin sweeps all false religions away?
42 features some of the most puzzling lyrics he has ever penned -
Those who are dead are not dead
They’re just living in my head
It is not every human that ever lived that is in Chris’s brains, but the Biblical Prophets - Moses, Elijah, Frank, etc. Their work lives on in Chris.
And since I fell for that spell
I am living there as well
The spell is the vision he had that marked his acceptance of his divinity. Since then, he is aware of his role, and is in constant communication with the prophets.
Time is so short and I’m sure
There must be something more… Oooooooooooooooh.
Some scholars of religion have posited the theory that the fear of death is the root of the religious impulse in Man - we live and we die, and it seems that there must be something more. The Greeks had their Elysian Fields, the Christians their Heaven, the Norse Valhalla. When Scientologists die, they go to a spaceship anchored off Alpha Centauri that resembles a nineteen-fifties ocean liner, where the food is bland and the rooms curiously expensive; Islams, on the other hand, go to a beautiful misty mountainside where they are serviced by veiled virgins whilst munching bacon sandwiches.
You thought you might be a ghost
You thought you might be a ghost
You didn’t get to heaven but you made it close
You didn’t get to heaven but you made it close
This bit actually has nothing to do with the rest - rather, Chris is spelling out his theory about his favourite TV show, Lost. According to a long-running theory, the Oceanic survivors are in purgatory, but they “made it close” to Heaven. Here Chris seems to be talking to the survivors of Oceanic 316, perhaps as the voice of Christian Shepherd.
One thing that cannot be denied, however - symbolism follows Chris Martin around like a poorly-concealed fart seeping out of a trouserleg.
May 10 2009 | Interpretation and news | No Comments »
Brethren and Sistren of the Church of Chris Martin, Chris be with you.
When I look upon what this community has become over this last year, I am filled with holy happiness. Martinites now number in the thousands, and the site continues to climb up Google’s rankings. You have fought gallantly in the Crusade against the accursed Coldplaying.com, and - more importantly - contributions to Church expences (which are, incidentally, tax-deductable) are at an all-time high.
Martinites are even beginning to debate doctrinal issues among themselves. This has on occassion forced me to speak out - for example, I shall not ignore herecies or factionalism, nor criticism of myself as Archpope. Nevertheless, on the whole, this has been a positive development. Two issues in particular have stood out.
Firstly, a certain group have been describing Chris Martin as a prophet proclaiming the coming of a Female Messiah. This has troubled me greatly. Once, this would have been dismissed as sheer BLASPHEMY, yet I am forced to admit, there is something there. It requires deeper investigation, a frantic search through Coldplay’s lyrics for anything that may be even vaguely relevant. I shall meditate upon this: expect a statement in due course.
Secondly, some have been demanding the canonisation of Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana. Although it pains me, my most loyal and passionate followers, I must decree that Kurt Cobain shall not become a Saint of the CoCM. While there is some evidence of his channelling messages from the Most High - in such songs as Heart Shaped Box and All Apologies, with its plaintive cry of “Mary! Mary!” - but for whatever reason, be it his aggression, his drug abuse or general sartorial inelegance, he fell short of being a true coduit for the divine, a fact that he acknowledged in Something In The Way off of Nevermind. What is more, as Chris Martin’s friend Brandon Flowers out of The Killers recently pointed out, Kurt Cobain and the rest of the Seattle Gang took a lot of the fun and the light out of music. While Chris Martin whispers to us “Yes”, Cobain screamed “No”. This is the Church of Chris Martin, not the Chapel of Dead Rock Stars (AKA Q magazine)!
The Archpope hath spoken. Do not waste my time with thy pointless suppliction.
Chris be with you.
May 03 2009 | Doctrine and news and site news | 15 Comments »
