Archive for September, 2009
Yes! Although he is a unique individual, his name is common as muck! Here are some of them!
- Chris Martin, pharmacist - district manager for five branches of Lloyd’s, responsible for five branches in Stroud and Nailsworth. Staff took Mr Martin for a special retirement meal on August 15, where he was presented with gifts including a garden rocking chair. The father-of-two plans to spend his retirement travelling, gardening and driving patients to hospital as a volunteer. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 6/10
- Chris Martin, footballist (US: soccerer) - 20-year-old Norwich City striker. Something of a philosopher - “There’s still a long way to go in the competition, but it’s a nice win here and we’re through to the next round”, “It was nice to get a game and I think we came away with a win that we probably deserved.” MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 4/10
- Chris Martin, American footballist (UK: armoured rugbyer) - recently joined Grandview but committed to play at Notre Dame next season. Martin is a 6-foot-4 245-pound defensive end who is reported to run a sub-4.7 40-yard dash, and able to dominate a game on his pure athleticism only. I do not know what any of that means. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 2/10
- Chris Martin, theologian. Has just undertaken a challenge to read the entire Bible in 90 days! Because salvation is better when it’s fast! And it’s worth considering whether this is the real Chris Martin. (Or even TheRealChrisMartin?) MESSIAH QUOTIENT: 6/10
- Chris Martin, graphic designer and marketing guru. According to his blog, “Everyone has a story to tell. From the services you provide, to the way you are impacting your world, now you can tell your story to the world.” Sometimes, he doesn’t even untie his shoes when he takes them off: “It depends on how I am feeling at the moment. Most of the time, I just yank the shoe off my foot and throw it on the floor.” Clearly, he tries WAY too hard. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 0/10
- Chris Martin, singer, songwriter, philosopher, poet and messiah. Sings in Coldplay and tends to save souls. Married to Gwyneth Paltrow. IS THE MESSIAH. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - ?/10.
September 25 2009 | Did you know!? | 6 Comments »
Yes, my days of incarceration are thankfully over, but many happy memories were made and good friends discovered behind those bars of steel!
Lest you think the True Widow yearns for those days in sequestration-think again! I did it for the holiest and mightiest of reasons - to enable the Church of Chris Martin to ascertain without question that there is spiritual ennobling power when certain words are uttered in a righteous manner. There is now no doubt in my mind that Father Drobbingdon - despite his voluntary deportation to the rat-infested bunker - knew from what he speaks.
When confronted with danger, despair, the threat of a knife or gun in your backside or at your most valuable possession - your DD Breast Implants - remember this Blessed Technique: in your most confident voice, proclaim the Power of Chris (POC) and demand that for the grace of Coldplay and the COC girls: STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY!
It worked like a charm in prison and I can’t begin to tell you how many Lesbos and gang-banging chicks I was able to dissuade from impaling me with a shank or a big DILDO!
Thankfully, I had gotten my fill of large male organs at the MOR COC finalists contest whereby I had to gaze steadily and analyze a steady stream of penises, so I was expressly eager to avoid what a lot of the gay prison gals carry around to make friends with! The True Widow has also found her new true love and wishes to remain pure in thought and chaste in deed until they can resume their great and glorious love affair of the ages!
However, with that thought in mind, I can say for sure that many locked-up ladies do exhibit the potential character traits and bodily assets that Father Drobbingdon has insisted is necessary for a true C:O:C: candidate to exhibit: that is the standardized ratio of IQ to be no more than doubled the true breast size! It could be stated that the lower IQ is what got a lot of the jail-birds in the prison nest in the first place, but whatever the reason, they are able to surmount their surroundings and with true Church Love & inspiration: DANCE & DECIPHER the puzzles, codes, mysteries, and inscrutableness of Chris Martin lyrics and songs.
I shall bid farewell to my many friends, foremost of which is Prison Matron Mabel who so graciously allowed my usage of the jailhouse computer to stay in touch with the world-at-large and also continue my quest to have the prison inmates vote for Holy Cobain sainthood. There are the girlfriends: Butch Betsy and Lucy Lou, who now are more sexually confused than ever after having glimpsed my collection of flattering Chris Martin photos. These 2 gals now THINK they just might be BI-SEXUAL after falling in love with Chris on my wall! To think of the SOUL POWER of Chris Martin - able to turn two Dashing Dykes into penis territory - powerful stuff!
The prison crew I threw down with also included Barb Wired, who just received her parole and hit the road yesterday. She seemed a little high-strung, but once you got to know her she was a very nice person. We shared many a cup of kool-aid in the prison cafeteria and she promised me that she would send a message to the world for me once out of her jailhouse attire and ankle restraints. There was a male warden named Nigel - who I came to a sort of understanding with - in regard to the COC girls practicing their dance moves and singing skills. At first this powerful fellow refused to accede to my requests of time allowed to get the girls together and organized so that they would be ready for Father Drobbingdon’s visit of appraisal. An agreement was eventually hammered together that said that all the guards and wardens would get a special private COC prison girl performance in exchange for more movies and shower time for the girls.
Never let it be said that all guards, wardens, and prison power-mongers are mad, lascivious characters - only a few of them are. It has been my experience that the prison experience is an eye-opening experience that all of us should someday experience.That being said, I bid adieu to all my new friends and acquaintances made at the Dept. of Corrections. I promised the girls I would be back for a visit and to pass out gifts and candy at the Holidays. God Bless these wonderful women, whose only desire - as is ours also - is to worship and proclaim the Goodness and Talent of the Great One: Chris Martin.
Hallelujah. Amen!
September 14 2009 | news | 3 Comments »
My brethren - momentous news! But first, a few pieces of miscellany -
Now, to business. Brethren, Sistren, I am leaving the bunker. The time has come for me to return to the world, and to the mission of the Church of Chris Martin. While the True Widow’s protestations have not been ignored, the decisive factor arrived this morning, when I received the following letter -
Whilst I feel glad that the world has not ended, I do feel disappointed to be proven wrong. I had hoped that I would become the only broadcaster left on earth, firing polemical broadsides from my bunker laptop. Instead, I was a fat man in a cellar for a month with brick dust in my hair. Not only that, but the housing market seems to be on the way back up.
So what have I learned? I learned that rats may seem pleasant when you’re awake, but they’ll try to eat your eyes as soon as you fall asleep. I learned that internet pornography is the surest way of catching a computer virus. And I learned that man can survive on beans alone, but he better have a well-ventilated house.
Above all, I learned that hope is the greatest gift we have. Except language. And maybe music.
September 07 2009 | news and site news | 6 Comments »
As is her prerogative, the True Widow has taken it upon herself to help prove - along with Father Drobbingdon - that the C:O:C girl dance association is one that can help protect a member when she finds herself in trouble. Now many would scoff at this fact being included as a “benefit,” but the world of escorts, strippers, and hookers is a dirty and dangerous one and sometimes, through no fault of their own, the ladies may have a bad turn of events, and land in the pokey. Fear not, jailbirds - help is at hand!
Today the True Widow decided she would go behind bars. Now, this fine lady has never had the honor of being locked-up before, but if it concerns the betterment of the Church, the True Widow is immediately game. And so it goes that she found herself getting booked and mug-shot (in an undercover capacity, obviously) and taken on the perp’s walk through the prison maze, amid taunts, catcalls, and obscenities. The True Widow held her head high and entered her shared cell.
Immediately there was a confrontation with a very Butch-looking prison matron who took a liking to the Widow’s lovely persona. But the Widow was ready! In her best rapper voice, she spits out: “What youze lookin at, Bitch? I throwdown with them COC girls over at the Church of Chris Martin!” Of course this seemed absurd because The Widow is an intelligent, well-spoken individual, but she was “acting” now to elicit a response and gauge reactions to COC girl gang protection claims. The Dyke drew back and exclaimed: “Oh yeah,” and seemed interested but not aggressive any more. It seems to work just has Father Drobbingdon as claimed - there is magic and power in the words themselves!
A little bit trickier was an encounter out in the exercise yard on the second day, whereby a group of masculine street gals came upon the Widow as she was enjoying the fresh air and concrete. One of the meaner and uglier ones drew out a shank to cut the True Widow’s lovely face all up, but again in a display of sheer righteousness of words the Widow exclaimed: “Stop what you are doing for the glory and good of COCs everywhere!” Like magic, the fearsome coven of carpet-munchers stepped back, and retreated to their Megan Fox calenders. The True Widow was again triumphant!
Now, the True Widow is no shrinking violet - she has had many run-ins with the”original widow”, some of which ended up being litigated. Fights and power struggles are nothing new to her, and she does possess a combative tendency. These interactions, however, were great instruction on how one is to behave as a COC girl, when put in a compromising position. Stay Calm, Stand Tall, Stay Firm & drop the Church moniker as often as needed, to protect life, liberty and expensive breast implants once behind the jail walls.
Church members: pray that The True Widow will prosper in jail and come out soon to continue to led Church Chris-tians on to higher ground. Amen.
September 04 2009 | Church History and news | 5 Comments »
