Archive for October, 2009
I, the Holy See & ordained Pope (Celestial) Elvis of the Church of Chris Martin do hereby proclaim - along with my Blessed Archpope Father Drobbingdon - the WRIT OF SOLEMNIZATION EDICT voted on by WordPress.
I do solemnly swear that it is my duty as heavenly caretaker of The CoCM to officially welcome a new soul into the Hierarchy of Saints, to join the illustrious eminences that include Saint Bono out of U2 & great Mark King out of Level 42, and complete our Supreme Trifecta of Love that will help this Great Church supersede all other Coldplay websites in Power & Glory.
We honor today the Great Grunge God from the Suicide City of Seattle, who’s talent and bad taste in picking wives is not forgotten. His True Widow would not let the Holy Cobain memory be swept aside and was instrumental in insisting that Father Drobbingdon accede to her demands that Cobain be shown a courtesy vote for Sainthood. Little did the usually astute Father realize how much love & respect existed among the Church glitterati - and riff-raff - towards the Nirvana frontman. It is a wonderous testimony to Cobain’s legend and the staying-power of Nirvana music that he was confirmed in record time.
Please all Hail the Great New Saint Kurt Cobain, Holy Assistant to Pope Elvis Presley and our Church of Chris Martin Heavenly Music Director. Those Church members who wish to assist certain ROCK BANDS with other-worldly aid- from the “other side,” direct your prayers and beseechings to Saint Kurt Cobain. He will be helpful in granting Grammy Awards, #1 on Billboard Charts, & selling out concert venues world-wide.
Church of Chris Martin, your wisdom in catapulting My Holy Assistant into the Pantheon of Saints does not go unnoticed. My heart & soul is over-flowing with precious feelings of paternal pride for my flock of miscreants. It is with hip-shaking LOVE that I present to the Church it’s newest Saint in the firmament: Holy Grunge God-Saint Kurt Cobain. Bow down in supplication now!
October 24 2009 | Doctrine | 18 Comments »
Who knew Chris Martin was a BIG Bruce Springsteen fan? I didn’t-until the other evening! That was when I glanced over to my right and beheld the most beautiful sight under the evening sky - CHRIS MARTIN - in the flesh! And right next to me too!
Springsteen and the E Street Band are charging through the final dates of their U.S. spring tour in support of their latest CD, and I was there at Giant’s Stadium in New Jersey to see it! Where Jimmy Hoffa is supposedly buried in the concrete! Right next to his yoga buddy Ed Burns, the actor and director. But the lure of Bruce melted away when I realized just who I was bumping up against to in the “pit”!
Thank Saint Bono that Holy Chris left GOOP Gwyneth behind with the kids. Seems like Chris wasn’t paying much attention to anything else other than Springsteen’s band, so I had to try and break the ice and lure him into a innocuous conversation. But Chris wasn’t having any of it - he was just into the music, singing along, dancing, and basically acting like any other fan! Here was one of the biggest rock stars in the world, responsible for his own immensely profitable world tour and top-selling “Viva La Vida”, acting like any other Bruce-loving yokel!
Then it dawned on me! This is why Chris Martin is SO GREAT & BELOVED! He is “Everyman”; no better or different than anyone else around him. Yes, he is married to that frosty blonde Gwyneth, but even He makes her seems less icy and inapproachable! Everything he touches is blessed and made more holy, yet he remains humble and meek, able to turn the other check when verbally abused by Oasis’s evil brothers’ foul mouths! Able to take the brutal jealous battering from Saint Bono (before U2 lent Coldplay the 360 tour jet). Chris simply chalks it up to Bono having a “bad day.”
Is there nothing that is not to like about this great man? Does he have any faults or failings that can be brought to the light? I think not! I went bumping against Him in the “pit”, thinking I might stir up a little hotness between us, but he just smiled and kept dancing. I offered to buy him a beer but he said he only drank water. I half expected a halo to come up over his head, he was such a gentleman! Not one skanky girl was able to catch his eye, but he was friendly to one and all!
Now I can see why The Church of Chris Martin is NOT a false Church and NOT a worshipper of a “false prophet.” This man is the Real Deal, and it took my closeness to him in the “pit” to realize that great truth. The evening seemed to whiz by in a glow of marvelous closeness to the Master, and when it was over, and I had succeeded in bumping into him repeatedly, I found the courage to ask for one last word of enlightenment from Him!
Chris Martin uttered the most mind-blowing and heavy words of wisdom that proved he cared beyond that which is normal and worldly - he said: “Watch that vomit!” Yes - some over-imbider had left a souvenir for the fans to step over and Chris Martin knew it! He Blessed us to know that if we weren’t careful exiting the concert venue, we too might fall prey to that desecration of the ground He walked on!
Church - KNOW THE TRUTH: This Man that can blend in so well with mortal men and women at a Bruce concert and appear just like the boy next door is GREAT and GLORIOUS! I have been converted to a believer by my “PIT” with Chris Martin!
October 16 2009 | news | 9 Comments »
THE RESULTS ARE IN!
THE MARTINITES HAVE VOTED WITH THEIR FINGERS!
Overwhelming support for the canonisation of Kurt Cobain, but a narrow victory against his harradan wife Courtney Love!
And, inevitably, a new poll: IS IT TIME THAT CHRIS MARTIN DROPS THOSE OTHER LOSERS AND GOES SOLO? Gwyneth thinks so!
October 12 2009 | miracles and news and reviews | 1 Comment »
A confidential report by Head Psychiatric Doctor on Duty. Put together at the request of Father Drobbingdon, who specifically asks for details of the goings-on at the Mental Health “Talk Down” tent at Wembley Stadium during and following the 2 Great Coldplay shows that recently took place.
Head Nut Job Doc: “It is with a firm foundation in Church lore that I am happy to report the recovery efforts of former Church members who had gone over to “the dark side”, i.e. coldplaying.com. They have since been re-indoctrinated into the Church mantle & have pleaded for reinstatement with good standing. I will leave this final judgment up to Father’s discretion. A few of the females seem like potential C:O:C: girl material (Large Busts/Small Brains), and one effeminine male may possibly find a home with the M:O:R C:O:C: men’s group.
Still there exists a rebellious lot that, despite ingesting much Holy Chris wine and being exposed to Blessed Church doctrine, refused to throw down with our group. I was prepared to begin electro-shock experiments on this saucy bunch, but instead just laser-zapped their brains until they said “YES”, much like the Coldplay song. All together, I turned over to the Church as ‘NEW RECRUITS” a total of 12 former coldplaying.com contagions into Chris-tians!”
NURSE RATCHETT - “Talk Down Tent” medical notes: I specialize in treating patients with high-risk pregnancies, and we did find two such knocked-up ladies picnic-ing in the Empire Way park. I invited them into the Yellow Tent, telling them I had free baby gift bags to offer them. Little did they realize, once I had them behind the yellow curtain, I would show them proof that coldplaying.com was home to any number of child abusers, pedophiles, and assorted criminals. I got one lady who was bursting at the seams to break her water and she promised that, as proof of her new Church devotion, she would name her new son CHRIS MARTIN, and not COLDPLAYING DOT COM as she had planned!
continue reading »
October 01 2009 | Church History and news | 2 Comments »
