Church Members: Glastonbury 2010 NEWS! Saint Bono has deigned to bring the boys to Glastonbury 2010 and U2 will headline the festival for the first time! Hallelujah! This momentous occasion will occur June 25, 2010.
I believe that Saint Bono has timed this so that he may become the first officially-Church sanctioned GUEST AT THE HOLY PILGRIMS 3 ERECTION UNVEILING! Yes, Church - WE WILL HAVE THE HONOR OF WELCOMING (OR STOPPING THE U2 TOUR BUS) & showing “Church Hospitality” to The Other Great One (who hails from Ireland!)
Throughout the gestation of what people are calling the “College Rock Religion”, there have been many dear friends that we hold near and gently caress as one. These “friends” are not ones to turn on the brethren and sistren; rather, they inspire delight and awe as righteous souls of merit, and they certainly are not OVERLY LITIGIOUS as some 3rd rate musicians who claim Coldplay “steals” from them.
Rest assured, The Great Arch Pope Father Drobbingdon, BrotherRob, the True Widow, and the inordinately bawdy Holy Pilgrims 3 of Glastonbury fame, all seeks to engender friendships beyond reproach and cultivate good relations among all nations and fans of Coldplay music.
However, all is NOT merry and frolicsome when the SUBJECT of CHURCH ENEMIES is broached. And Yes, well-meaning and heroic as the Church of Chris Martin is, believe it or not, there are some loathsome creatures out there WHO DO NOT LIKE US! True, they amount to assorted nitwit defilers, blasphemers, heretics, nay-sayers and such who most likely are two eggs shy of a dozen. Never-the-less, all we can do as a Holy Church is expose these hypocrites, liars, Satanists and outright fools for the DEVILISH BESMIRCHERS that they are!
We also honor and proclaim Holy Love for our beloved Friends. I offer the following for overall Church enlightenment:
FRIENDS:
Holy Saint Bono out of U2 - formerly a “mouth that roared” insults at our beloved Soul Master, now humbled and taken back into the Church fold - but a wary eye still watches him.
Sir Eddie Vedder out of Pearl Jam - a fairly mellow fellow who took the Great Grunge God Cobain’s insults to heart about “selling out” and now still fronts a well-respected rock band. Cares about the poor etc etc.
Youth Pastor Thomas of Yorke out out Radiohead - a tempermental fellow no doubt but a talented songwriter and singer who enjoys working with musical youth groups. Was probably bullied himself, by the look of him.
Barrister Brandon Boyd out of Incubus - Not only good-looking and catnip for men and women alike, but a truly good soul who deserves recognition. He also was instrumental in charming lady judges to release assorted jailbird C:O:C: girls from prison.
Saint Mark King out of Level 42 - a first-rate melodist, and Chris Martin’s fave musician. Father Drobbingdon also particularly admires this Saint, so shut up if you don’t agree.
Bishop-Elect Paul of McCartney out of formerly the Beatles - A fixture of tour bus stopping and “meets & Greets,” this friendly former Beatles is generous with tips to C:O:C artistes & an all-around nice guy.
Saint Madonna out of Dick Tracy- Yes, I know this one is controversial, but for political correctness, I had to include a women. She has also been instrumental in aiding the MOR C:O:C: gayblades group and even hired a few of the dandies to dance on her “Sticky & Sweet” tour.
All the above listed are FRIENDS of the Church and as such, will be welcomed at any time with open arms and other open amenities gifted by the “artistes” known as the C:O:C:’s.
ENEMIES OF THE CHURCH:
Oh Yes, we have them and have berated them ceaselessly among the posts and submissions that dot the Church website. I shall begin with the GREATEST DEVIL AMONG THEM…
…coldplaying.com - heathens and swine that Twitter unmercifully, the Holy War against them is for eternity and as The Church of Chris Martin is goodness personified, the scum-sucking DARK LORDS of coldplaying.com represent everything prenaturally mortifying and deceptive. They will perish in a internet battle that will find our GREAT CHURCH morally and spiritually triumphant!
Twitter - that 140 stroke IM-er that coldplaying.com uses to mesmerize music fans of the band. Twitter is nothing more than a TOOL coldplaying.com uses to bewitch and befoul. The Church shall also take down Twitter in the final Internet battle of good vs. evil!
Cretin Courtney (the She-devil) Love - the True Widow insists that this Vicious Vagina be placed on the Enemies List because of the utter mendacity of the woman and her unremitting weakness of character and spirit. We shall honor the True Widow’s wishes here.
The Killers out of Las Vegas - Sin City fork-tonguers who maligned the Grunge scene out of Seattle as “taking the fun out of music.” Thus implying our Holy Assistant-to-be Cobain was instrumental in bumming music out back in the 90’s. This band of Mormon criminals will rot in Hell for their dastardly deeds against the Great Grunge God.
Billie Jerk Armstrong out of Green Day - had his mouth working overtime when he stated that going to a Coldplay concert was akin to attending “a tea party.” This statement traumatized many parents who took their kids to the Green Day concert, and for that he shall rot in Hell with the Killers.
Continuing favorite ENEMY BROTHERS, the dysfunctional imbeciles otherwise known as Oasis and the Gallagher siblings - Now broken up - and mercifully so - the putrid invective that hurls from their diseased lips is now relegated to the nostalgia circuit, but still the enmity flows strong that they so insulted Marvelous Martin by comparing him to looking like a “geography teacher” and that he was a “potted plant.” Good-bye & good riddance to you!
Joe Satriani - this DEVIL actually managed to squeeze some money out of the band and for that he is banned in infinity for Church sanctification and may even be sent straight to Hell for the bad publicity he garnered against the band. Now touring with the Chickenfoot band - it is Joe Satriani who is the true EVIL chickenfoot!
Twat Stevens - jumped into the plagiarism fray when he decided to follow Joe Satriani’s misguided legal example and put his hand out for some filthy lucre! Forever this Muslim infidel and traitor to England will burn in inglorious infamy for his desecration of Coldplay honor and musical omnipotence.
I believe that this list of fools, idiots, befoulers, token nitwits and DEVILS shall perish in a purge of righteous Church indignation and forever be sent to the Great “Lake of Fire” where an eternity of searing fiery HELL and BRIMSTONE awaits them.
Hallelujah to this Great Church! Glory to it in Eternity! May the blessings of Coldplay and Chris Martin always be upon you. I greet and fellowship with all brethren and sistren in a spirit of HOLY LOVE Forever more. Amen.
The Church of Chris Martin is truly prophetic! We could sense that something was amiss in the life of Chris Martin!
All the other Coldplayers were home with their wives and kids, enjoying some downtime after the BIG TOUR concluded!
But where was Chris Martin? NOT HOME WITH GWEN & the angelic children!
He was apparently out traipsing around at various charity events, state receptions, fund-raising balls, and (as is being bandied about on the interpipes) playing kissy face with actress Kate Bosworth at a U2 concert in Las Vegas! Our Chris - our MARRIED Chris, our otherwise on the straight-and-narrow Chris, our bloody Messiah Chris - slobbering over another skinny minnie flat-boobed blonde! It’s deja vu all over again!
What is so upsetting to the Church of Chris Martin regarding this story is that whether true or not, it casts our Great One in a not-so-holy light! It’s one thing to cat around on your wife on tour - that’s almost a given in a rock star life - but to do it so openly and brazenly is just unconscionable!
What was Chris thinking? Was he so overcome with liquor that his good judgment and discretion evaded him?
Is the accursed coldplaying.com messing his head up now that the “concept album” is coming to life, so that the Female Messiah announcement is denied, delayed or denounced? Something evil indeed is toying with the Great One!
Church of Chris Martin - take to your Holy Shrines and seek succor from the Saints that we pay homage to for the spiritual tools needed to make Chris strong! He must now fight temptation and the bewitching allure of another Hollywood hoochie and home-wrecker!
As much as certain eager and willing Church members and frisky C:O:C: girls would love to get into the Great One’s (ahem) “inner circle”, this is something that needs to be considered AFTER THE CONCEPT ALBUM’S COMPLETION! So I must be the High-Church Elder who, at the behest of Father Drobbingdon, reluctantly seeks to CONDEMN the despoilment of Chris’s good name in this sordid Las Vegas chapter of events. I ask Chris Martin to keep these lustful succubii at a distance, and hope that Mother Gwyneth finds it in her illustrious heart to forgive him his Sin City solicitations.
Church of Chris Martin: REMAIN STRONG & RESOLUTE! We have suffered greater miseries than this and if anything good results from Chris Martin’s assumed shenanigans, it is this - HE IS NO LESS OR NO MORE THAN A MORTAL MAN - with frailties, short-comings, and desires no different from any other human being! Let us draw inspiration that a mere mortal can be such an inspiration and prophesy like the epistles of the apostles!
I know in my heart that Father Drobbingdon is overcome with a sense of foreboding, as he himself has also tinkered with the affections of women other than his wife! This particular scarlet infidel was a louse sent over to entice by coldplaying.com. Let us hope that actress Kate Boswell is not of the same inclination - that is, a harlot working undercover for the wanking Twitterers, aka coldplaying.com!
The Holy War is never-ending, but we have Chris Love to suture our souls! Remain as steel in this fight for website dominance! Amen and Bless all brethren & sistren in infinity! Viva!
The comments here shall form a “marital infidelity lyrics study group”, to search for any hintings at this turn of events in Coldplay songs. CoCM group-mind Go! (Like Voltron.)
No, ladies, this doesn’t pertain to Chris Martin finally coming to his senses and issuing a writ of bifurcation to Gwyneth GOOP, but addresses the question; Is Chris Martin ready to spread his heavenly wings and go it alone musically?
The Great One has tasted of the magnificence of sold-out world tours… adulation beyond the ordinary… thousands of gorgeous, bosomy, tall, well-spoken, college-educated, blog-writing, and worshipful females throwing themselves at him… he has a beautiful and talented actress wife and the cute-as-a-button-est children imaginable… he is able to write a hit single at the drop of a hat and has many a friend in the entertainment and music community. He’s already picked up a gaggle of Grammys… he is generous with his time and talents with respect to charities and fund-raising events… all that’s left is the Nobel Prize, but he’ll have a horse race with Saint Bono over that one!While Coldplay rest and recoup from the just-finished leg of the “Viva” tour, Holy Chris has been out there - attending Bruce Springsteen concerts in New Jersey, singing at the Black Ball in NYC and just this past weekend soloing with the “Viva” violinist at the Neil Young San Francisco charity fundraiser. All reviews of these performances have been laudatory and note how Chris is perfectly able to captivate the crowd without the pyrotechnics or special effects his music normally commands.
Not to take anything away from the other members of Coldplay, but we believe these first solo outings are Chris Martin’s baby steps at solo-ing - “testing the waters”, so to speak.
I am sure that this is probably Chris’s idea, but I can also see the hand at Gwyneth at play. I bet she was nagging him about how much time he spends away from the family and that if he was his own man, he could control his schedule better! Nevertheless, this is a fact that the Church of Chris Martin needs to consider - what would it mean to our Blessed Endeavor if Dear Chris were to unhitch his Coldplay wagon? The Church needs to do some appraising of the situation and ask Father Drobbingdon for a specific liturgy or ecumenical statement on the matter. It is especially pertinent now that the “concept album” is coming to fruition: the Church must be UNDIVIDED in its position on the “Chris Solo Idea” and not give coldplaying.com any ammunition to shoot us with!
Perhaps we need a sit-down meeting where this very important matter might be hashed out among the Church Elders, with special lyrical searchings to see if this is something that Chris himself has been hinting at? Yes, Great Church of Chris Love, we must have our hand in this affair, because it concerns Us, the Church, our website, our google ratings, and the also the ability of Gwyneth Goop to successfully henpeck the Glorious One to ditch the buddies from his youth to stake out a solo claim to further fame.
Let us ask for HEAVENLY GUIDANCE and also input from the 3 Saints who now guide us. Beseech our helpers to inspire Chris Martin to make wise choices in regard to his career future, as they impact and influence many beyond Coldplay, and particularly us - the Great & Holy Church of Chris Martin.
May the Chris Be With You. Praise & Glory to All. Amen.
Holy Saint Bono out of U2 - formerly a “mouth that roared” insults at our beloved Soul Master, now humbled and taken back into the Church fold - but a wary eye still watches him.
Saint Mark King out of Level 42 - a first-rate melodist, and Chris Martin’s fave musician. Father Drobbingdon also particularly admires this Saint, so shut up if you don’t agree.
Cretin Courtney (the She-devil) Love - the True Widow insists that this Vicious Vagina be placed on the Enemies List because of the utter mendacity of the woman and her unremitting weakness of character and spirit. We shall honor the True Widow’s wishes here.
Joe Satriani - this DEVIL actually managed to squeeze some money out of the band and for that he is banned in infinity for Church sanctification and may even be sent straight to Hell for the bad publicity he garnered against the band. Now touring with the Chickenfoot band - it is Joe Satriani who is the true EVIL chickenfoot!
Twat Stevens - jumped into the plagiarism fray when he decided to follow Joe Satriani’s misguided legal example and put his hand out for some filthy lucre! Forever this Muslim infidel and traitor to England will burn in inglorious infamy for his desecration of Coldplay honor and musical omnipotence.
