An Important Message from the Founder, Dean Drobbingdon
Brethren and Sistren of the Church of Chris Martin, Chris be with you.
When I look upon what this community has become over this last year, I am filled with holy happiness. Martinites now number in the thousands, and the site continues to climb up Google’s rankings. You have fought gallantly in the Crusade against the accursed Coldplaying.com, and - more importantly - contributions to Church expences (which are, incidentally, tax-deductable) are at an all-time high.
Martinites are even beginning to debate doctrinal issues among themselves. This has on occassion forced me to speak out - for example, I shall not ignore herecies or factionalism, nor criticism of myself as Archpope. Nevertheless, on the whole, this has been a positive development. Two issues in particular have stood out.
Firstly, a certain group have been describing Chris Martin as a prophet proclaiming the coming of a Female Messiah. This has troubled me greatly. Once, this would have been dismissed as sheer BLASPHEMY, yet I am forced to admit, there is something there. It requires deeper investigation, a frantic search through Coldplay’s lyrics for anything that may be even vaguely relevant. I shall meditate upon this: expect a statement in due course.
Secondly, some have been demanding the canonisation of Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana. Although it pains me, my most loyal and passionate followers, I must decree that Kurt Cobain shall not become a Saint of the CoCM. While there is some evidence of his channelling messages from the Most High - in such songs as Heart Shaped Box and All Apologies, with its plaintive cry of “Mary! Mary!” - but for whatever reason, be it his aggression, his drug abuse or general sartorial inelegance, he fell short of being a true coduit for the divine, a fact that he acknowledged in Something In The Way off of Nevermind. What is more, as Chris Martin’s friend Brandon Flowers out of The Killers recently pointed out, Kurt Cobain and the rest of the Seattle Gang took a lot of the fun and the light out of music. While Chris Martin whispers to us “Yes”, Cobain screamed “No”. This is the Church of Chris Martin, not the Chapel of Dead Rock Stars (AKA Q magazine)!
The Archpope hath spoken. Do not waste my time with thy pointless suppliction.
Chris be with you.
May 03 2009 09:44 pm | Doctrine and news and site news
Heart-Shaped Bra on 04 May 2009 at 2:51 am #
Oh Dean! This is how you reward your warriors against the dreaded SWINE FLU-coldplaying.com contagion worming it’s way thru the internet? By breaking their hearts and listening to that Mormon polygamist-Brandon Flowers and his ilk from Sin City? You show no appreciation of the essence of Kurt Cobain who is very active musically still-just in another thought realm, and I will plead with him not to cut Coldplay & CM off from his astral ramblings-which, by the way include what Life in Technicolor II is all about: being fed music and feet not touching the ground. In defense of Kurt, IF I had to live in rain-plagued Seattle and be hitched to that Harridan wife, I’d say “NO” and kill myself too!
I will not supplicate you any further on this matter and I will not take my frustration over this on to the threads and message boards of coldplaying.com, but your intrasigence may cost you devoted followers. This is not a false threat. A good leader would atleast call a Holy Quorum or Archpope Papal Conclave to discuss, vote or debate this matter. I do respect your authority but I am taking it to the next level.
Dear Coldplay will soon be here in my city on tour. I plan to use my “wicked & wild” feminine wiles to be granted a holy audience with the burning bush of Chris Martin either backstage or else where-depending upon the location of Mother Gwyneth. I will fall to my knees and maybe get around to asking the Great One directly: “Chris baby-ArchPope Dean has banned from consideration Kurt Cobain for Sainthood in your Church? Do you wish to honor the Great Grunge God in this manner?” Also I will give Chris the best song Natalie Imbrugliao has even written and given away to Coldplay. It’s title:”Kurt Cobain is a Saint.” It shall be on Coldplay’s next album, if I may please his emminence mightily that evening? Archpope-you MAY be celibate, but never under estimate the clout of a seductive female. I don’t mean to go over your HEAD, to another HEAD, but your stubborn despot-like behavior leaves me no choice. All Hail the Great Drobbingdon! Rex Mundi Chris Martin! Viva la Loca!
Eye of Fatima on 04 May 2009 at 7:51 pm #
I would like to remind all of the Articles of Incorporation for this Holy website, and I am using my
Angelicanized diplomatic skills in an effort to avoid a doctrinal schism or incipient schism. Let me remind Brethern and Sistren of the need to present a unified and coherent front in the face of the threat posed by the (emboldened) coldplaying.com marauders. A rift must be avoided in order to become the dominant Coldplay website that pushes our agenda of deifying Chris(t) and promoting the establishment of the emerging female Messiah-with the blessings of the Great task-master Drobbingdon!
I hereby submit the following classified Articles of Incorporation to the Church as a powerful weapon to interpret the ecclesiastical details to be considered in this potential Saints dispute. The Church must avoid a Papal condemnation at all costs.
Article III:
The Church has as its objectives the perpetuation of the traditionalist order of chivalry,its initiatory teachings and the creation of a mutual assistance league-as much moral, material, and spiritual in all circumstances.
Article IIII:
The Church adopts as its’ representative officer: Dean Drobbingdon named by the Convent Conclave. The Church is not a secret society-although vested with certain secrets whose sacredness must be honored-All decrees as well as records and appointments are available to the public in Latin and Vatican-text.
Article VI:
A member of the Church against whom a sentence has been pronounced by the tribunal for common law offenses may be suspended from his/her duties and titles as such;
Memberships can be revoked immediately for such improprieties as the threat of civil war or improper indoctrination abuses. Decrees of dismembership (not solemn castration)must be voted on by a Conclave and receive validation by the seal of the Grand Master Secretary General. This position is named by the Papal Convent for a renewable term not to exceed 10 years by mutual consent.
I hope the above clarifies in the Church’s eyes how to contend with infidels, plutocratic pagans, infidels, and various “true pretenders.” Peace be to you all!
Bong Pipe on 04 May 2009 at 9:11 pm #
Hey Supplicating Arch Pope-
It’s in the “Moist Vagina” song that Cobain cries out “Mary, Mary Juana.” He also talks about enjoying some other bodily sites-which alone should make him a Saint in the “crew” you run with! (But he’s NOT Gay-)
ge-nuh on 05 May 2009 at 10:15 am #
bahaha! you guys have a pope too? lol
poor chris martin
he would be frightened into early retirement if he ever had the missfortune of stumbling upon this site
but at least you’re giving the rest of the normal coldplay fans a laugh
so thanks in that respect
Holy Pope Elvis Presley on 08 May 2009 at 9:11 pm #
Greetings to one & all:
I am not here to issue a writ of Papal Condemnation, but it is perilously close to an impending quagmire.
The Church has reached a grave juncture of accessibility when the issue of the ability to make comments is impeded. I will hold Arch Pope Drobbingdon accountable for his lapse in judgement, because he is “nothing but a hound dog-” or so his wife states!
Nevertheless, he is the one in charge, and I can see him moving forward on discerning prophetic imagery in the lyrics of the Great Master-Chris Martin. He seems to be onto something, and I don’t want to drive a stake thru his heart just yet. If the Arch Pope wishes to rectify the error of his ways, then Holy Pope will consider his amends. Please continue your reverential honorings of all Saints, Apostles, and Holy Prophets in the Great Church of Chris Martin. Amen.
Saint Hamish on 10 May 2009 at 6:17 am #
Let the great Arch-Pope rule in our lord’s stead until Chris returns to take the throne of true godliness!
Arch Saint Dolce Gabani on 10 May 2009 at 7:07 am #
Yes Saint Hamish, I hear ye! The Arch Pope has formidable allies in all corners of the globe that come out of the woodwork-to his defense. All is well and good with the world, except that will Chris come to reclaim his godly throne? You have seen for yourselves how that man can go off on a tangent. He frets about the credit crisis, Paradise Lost, and vegan deli recipes..who’s to say if he will ever come all the way fully down-to-earth, and if so, is he capable of assuming the Holy mantle of deliverance?
There is alot on his plate these days-with the great success of Viva La Vida has come additional creative tensions vis-a-vis the sham accusations of thievery by both Joe Satriani & now-Holy Muslim infidel and heathen-Cat Stevens! That is why the Arch Pope must walk a fine line to please all factions of the Church, lest one of two trouble-making ones gets out-of-control. The results would be catastrophic and bad publicity against us in our ceaseless battles with coldplaying.com.
Saint Hamish-I will call a treaty with the turmoil-makers, if you-in kind, will admonish Arch Pope to reconsider adding comments to his 42 piece to keep the peace. I send you greetings, Brother and in the name of all that is good and just in the world of Coldplay: Amen!
Sister Crackhead on 11 May 2009 at 4:48 am #
..I have some news on Arch Pope Drobbingdon…I saw him after Mass this morning and he was taking LOTS of sips from the Holy wine chalice! Then he offered some to a comely married parishoner and led her back into his Holy Man-Cave to practice devotional songs of Coldplay…and then I could hear strange sounds..so I knocked on the beaded curtain and saw something that did not seem natural and was out-of-this-world. I am afraid that Arch Pope is perhaps succumbing to the despair of the chronic line of musicians who claim that Viva La Vida was stolen from them!
I will recommend an intersession or a brief respite stay to Holy Pope Elvis Presley as a way for Arch Pope to get his wits about him. My concern is that coldplaying.com might have sent that sexy temptress his way to ferret out classified Church of Chris Martin secrets at moments of shall-we-say-divine intervention. Is their no lengths that those wicked interlopers would not go or depths of deprivation that coldplaying.com would not stoop to-in order to
“come out on top” in this unholy quest for web-siting domination ? Please one-and-all Church members-pray for the soul (and medical tests to come back negative) of Arch Pope Drobbingdon. All Hail Antibiotics-Hallelujah!
The Church of Chris Martin » News in Brief on 19 May 2009 at 1:03 pm #
[…] comments for 42, despite any harmful conspiracy theories, was caused by a glitch within Wordpress, not any desire to silence decention against the […]
From the Holy Chapel of Dead Rock Stars on 21 May 2009 at 3:20 pm #
From the Celestial Desk of Holy Pope Elvis Presley:
Greetings to one and all. Have no fear-I am not inclined to issue the dreaded “Writ of Condemnation” as is feared due to dissension in the ranks and insubordination by Arch-Pope Drobbingdon. Firstly-the Arch Pope has sought medical and psychological help and his Doctors assure me he should make a full mental recovery.
Arch-Pope has stated to me-thru prayer-that he is sorrowful for any bold adjudications he has previously made in haste and may seek out further input from parishoners on the impending Sainthood of my dear assistant and heavenly Music Director-Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana. If Arch Pope continues to defy the wishes of his most Holy Parishoners in their desire to deify the Great Grunge God, then I shall have to take-under advisement-any suggestions of heresy and doctrinal insubordination. I will not rule out Saint Bono’s FAVORITE remedy of punishment: Solemn castration. Arch Pope’s wife may wish to protest this punishment, but I have 3 Blessed words for you: FREEZE SOME SPERM!
I realize the Arch Pope has had some recent traumas that may have affected his clear thinking skills. It is this fact that I hold for proof of his recent lapses of good faith and verbal abuse of well-meaning sistrens and brethrens who are the future of this Holy Church. In addition, I forgive Arch Pope for his breaking of the Godly commandments he defied: adultry, commingling with married parishoners, sipping of too much chalice wine, playing Robbie Williams CD’s, getting too friendly with “pets,” idolatry of false Gods, ie.-Mark King out of Sum 42.
I will be making a general liturigical ecumenical ecclesiastical statement of facts very shortly. I will pray with pre-Saint Kurt Cobain for guidance in these Holy matters. Continue to raise funds for the erection of the 3 Holy Pilgrims shrine at Glastonbury. I shall make a satorically-splendid visage at the unveiling of this Monument to Music & you shall see me in the windshields of many faithful’s car–waving to you all and with a deep and abiding love for all my miscreants in this Holiest of Holy Churches. Blessed be You All**
Senorita Caliente on 29 May 2009 at 7:24 pm #
GREETINGS to all brethren and sistrens from Mexico. No Swine Flu just yet, but lots of margaritas to kill the germs. Please be advised that the Holy Church is well represented down in Mexico with lots of Coldplay fans. We pray to the Virgin de Guadalupe to Bless Chris Martin with many children. The Mormons would pray to Joseph Smith to bless Chris Martin with many wives. Hallelujah and Adios.
Sub-Prefecture Layne Staley out of Alice-in-Chains on 01 Jun 2009 at 6:15 pm #
Greetings to Holy Ones & All:
I am the Blessed Sub-Prefecture Layne Staley..late of the Great Seattle Grunge Group “Alice in Chains.”
I am another unfortunate suicide out of the Great Northwest of America..not done in by my own hand (supposedly) but by the tragic terror or heroin overload…I come to you with epistles and liturgy that may enable you at The Church to overcome the scourge of the coldplaying.com heretics and the Joe Satriani/Twat Stevens blasphemies.
Grunge Liturgy: as such..Let us not forget the friends of the Church who exist is a existential realm not currently perceivable in our current conscious realm, but who are, none-the-less friends per se. The Holy Vehm, Grand members of the Rose-Croix, philosophers on Atlantis, Service Documenters of the Holy Rock Stars of yore-let us remember them always. As such, more recent Grand eminences are the Beloved Holy Pilgrims 3-souls so brave and ready to suffer for enlightenment that they venture forth able to endure English traffic, wet Seattle-type weather, girls so white and with such bad teeth that you wish to retch, and English food so bland that you think you are in the hospital on your death bed. These blessed 3 are worthy of such an honor as a big, Holy Glastonbury erection for their services and martyrdom in the ministry of the Great Chris Martin.
Now in my capacity as purveyor of arcane sciences, I appreciate the value of secret information-which has led me to receive the Enobled Title of several hermetic societies. All this beholden information has allowed me to form a singular personage-a mystic of peace-an apostle of liberty-an ascetic whose ideal is to serve the well-being of humanity and the progressive ecumenical thought processes of the Church of Chris Martin. Assisting again, in such a valuable and devout capacity is that of the spirit of the Great Grunge God-Kurt Cobain..out of Nirvana.
Now I am aware of the verbal suffering this great man of God has suffered at the hands of The Arch-Pope Dean Drobbingdon, and The Holy Pope Elvis Presley has written off this uninspired berating as a result of the “conditions” recently suffered by the Arch Pope Task-Master. One of the side-effects of the many STD drugs Arch Pope is currently receiving is unholy hallucinations and dementia. It is prayed for that Arch Pope will reconsider that many Devoted, Holy, and Transformational Souls- currently the most passionate and over-sexed of all Church members- will stop at nothing to see This Great Man of LOVE : Holy Assistant Kurt Cobain..out of Nirvana..made Holy and Redeemable before man and God.
It is astonishing to me to see how this Great Church of Chris Martin has progressed spiritually and internet-wise–the World Beholds our Greatness and Inspiration. We must continue to move forward and not stop in our March to Blessed Domination over the coldplaying.com infidels who perhaps have been the masters behind Joe Satriani and Twat Stevens lawsuit infamy. The distinguished acquaintances and associates of the Church of Chris Martin deserve honor and acclaim always, with no beseeching of sexual sin to proclaim otherwise. Therefore-I ask and devoutly bow to the Arch Pope and, if he is now in his “right mind,” please put forward a vote to the Church of Chris Martin to Venerate the Great Kurt Cobain…out of Nirvana-Holy Assistant to the Blessed Arch Pope-Elvis Presley and Music Vessel of the Most Divine.
Remember, Coldplay is writing their next album and if their Heavenly Assistance is to continue, they will need “friends” in the “Inspirational Realm.” If they want more handfuls of Grammys to brag about and make Holy Saint Bono out of U2 jealous with–they must not lose their spiritual guidance. I respectfully advise the Church of Chris Martin and Holy Arch Pope Drobbingdon to reconsider past judgements of error and misappropriation. Keep your Most Holy Living Church Members happy because the alternative is, they may go inspire and bring divine delight to other new, and upcoming bands such as the Doves or those new Coldplay-pretenders..Fleet Foxes out of the great suicide city of Seattle.
God Bless this Great Church–Pray to all Holy Shrines and Devotionals paid to the Glastonbury erections of the Holy Pilgrims 3 will bring much lucre to Woshippers Soul Progression in the next incarnation of Love chain. Members: pray to the Member of Arch Pope Drobbingdon-that he may be healed of shenanigans of spirit and come to wise and enlightened conclusions regarding Church matters. Ladies of the Church-remember the wise words of practical guidance enumerated by Holy Assistant Kurt Cobain..out of Nirvana…keep your Legs together while in Church lest you provoke additional lusts that may do in mere mortal men far less great than the eminence of Great Arch-Pope Drobbingdon. Hallelujah-Chris Martin is Great! Viva la Coldplay Loco! Rex Mundi Antibiotics!
Love Me Tender Chapel on 11 Jun 2009 at 5:28 am #
….Holiest of Greetings and a Fond Hello to All:
From the Celestial Desk of Holy Pope Elvis Presley..
It is with a heart full of mirth and joy that I come before the Church brethren & sistrens, for today I have invincible proof that Arch Pope Drobbingdon has seized the reins of Ministerial power and is back in fine form–lording it over one-and all Martinites!
His mind-seemingly clear, his health-restored, and his unmentionables-responding to the strongest of all antibiotics-The Church can move forward in a positive manner. I am extremely pleased to see that the Arch Pope hath seen to it that my valued and Holy Assistant-Kurt Cobain..out of Nirvana..can appeal to the better angels of Church members and seek fundamental reparation for previous improper indoctrinations against his earthly habitation.
I am very proud of the progress the Arch Pope has shown in a “reaching out” to his devout parishioners and that the feelings and concerns of all Church members should be of intimate concern to the Arch Pope. (I also would like a first peek at that C O C calender!)
I see that we have attracted new and Holy contributors to our blog website such as Pastor Thomas of Yorke, Bishop-Elect Paul of McCartney and Sir Eddie Veddered. All of these prominent Men of God are welcome at the home of Musical Omnipotence and their words are emblems of courage, passion, and perpetual devotion to the Truth. Suffice to say-forever banned from worship here is Twat Stevens and Joe Satriani. If any other infidels and defilers wish to step forward with false claims of plagarism, they, also will find their path blocked to rapture at the Church of Chris Martin.
As for the upcoming new Coldplay music: a “concept album,” my Holy Assistant & Musical Director-Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana would like to speak:
Thank you Church members for your display of support, mercy and understanding on my behalf. The new Coldplay record goes beyond Viva La Vida and into the bloodline and mystical pedigree of the Merovingian dynasty first featured in Arch Pope’s interpretations of the Viva song– A bloodline descended from Jesus and whose lineal descendants live today among us. This is no hypothetical scenario but is both logically consistent and intriguing but not preposterous.
There is certainly an intensifying quest for meaning in today’s world. Despite increasing disillusionment, cynicism, and despair-the world yearns for meaning, emotional fulfillment, and a greater spiritual dimension. There exists a desire for a true leader- a “priest-King or Queen,” in whom mankind can safely repose trust. Materialism has sated our culture with a profound hunger and there is a fervent cry for genuine guidance, psychological truths and complete circle-of-love objectives.
As many a prior author has noted, vis-a-vis alternative sources: how might the advent of Jesus’s lineal descendants be interpreted as but yet a kind of Second Coming-which I believe to be “the secret” of the upcoming “concept album” now being created. Either that or it will be a tale of alien abduction.
Thanks be to all Holy members. Please pray for divine guidance. All Church ladies are to conduct themselves in a manner befitting the classy example of Blessed Holy Mother Gwyneth. No dressing like hookers at Church and no “soliciting” of Church members while Holy Confessional is in session. The Holy Glastonbury Pilgrims seem to be consumed with the status of their erections and they must remain humble and meek, if they are to be so honored. I pray also for Church members to acknowledge the ceaseless work Holy Pope Elvis Presley and I do on behalf of all congregation members and that soon I will also be in the pantheon of Saints such as Holy Saint Bono out of U2 and new Saint Mark King out of Sum 42. It would be my honor to be so honored by you. Amen. Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Seattle!
Lucilla on 16 Jul 2009 at 2:19 pm #
I grew up with Mormons, but this makes way more sense. You just need a city and some banks and a few hundred temples.
no-name on 18 Jan 2010 at 4:50 pm #
LOL! This website is very hilarious!