BLESS THE CREATURES GREAT & SMALL!
Hey Saint Francis - there’s a new playa in town, and he be down with the animals too! As a matter-of-fact, Chris Martin took a personal vow of poverty - despite being inordinately wealthy - and his gentle spirit is entrusted by animals big and small! He is your spiritual brother in animal husbandry!
Chris reaches out with his music and his heart to the many folks for whom their pet is their only true companion. The bond between a person and a pet is a bond like no other, of two creatures aligned in love. Let us cast a blessing on these devoted followers and their little friends, that goes something like this:
“Blessed are you, Lord God, maker of all living creatures. You called forth fish in the sea, birds to fly at the speed of light through the air and animals on the land. You inspired St. Francis (and Chris Martin) to call all of them his brothers and sisters. We ask you to bless this pet. By the power of your love, enable it to live according to your plan. May we always praise you for all your beauty in creation. We live in a beautiful world! Viva!”
Then the pet is sprinkled with some Holy Water (which is bottled water that has traveled on the Coldplay Tour bus/Lear Tour Jet & been within proximity of Chris Martin for 24 hours or more). A procession of animals is then begun - from the lowliest rat up to the biggest horse - all go trotting from the Church rectory, to the field of yellow wheat, where an assembly is about to begin!
It is Chris Martin of Assisi - a modern day Saint and friend to all, human and animal. The gathering is hushed in anticipation; the donkeys have stopped braying, the cats no longer lick their paws. The canine adventurers have halted their humpings. All are in rapt attention. St. Chris Martin of Assisi strides to the podium in his regal gold & purple robe, a kingly crown atop his head.
“HELLO CLEVELAND!! Oops… I mean to say… I, the Holiest of Saints, in conjunction with my forbearer - Saint Francis of Assisi - hereby do bestow upon these animals the sprinkling of the Holy Coldplay water, and a Blessing that the Sacred Animal Spirit shall never be extinguished or perish. Viva!”
Just like his namesake, Saint Chris Martin of Assisi honors and loves the birds and animals that flit about the gardens of his various mansions throughout the world. All the money he has amassed hasn’t blinded him to the beauty of nature. And with this knowledge, he hereby blesses the innocent creatures.
May we give all hosannas to Saint Chris Martin of Assisi, and to all God’s living things. May the birds and bees sing to the high heavens to the Glory of Coldplay forever more. Viva!
December 02 2009 09:55 pm | Doctrine and news
BrotheRob on 03 Dec 2009 at 2:28 am #
I remember when I was a young lad and tried to listen to my teacher. One day I did listen when he was going on about St Francis of Assisi. I believe he was our history teacher. He must have been to talk about the past in such an orderly and thoughtful manner.
I shalll now recant the entire mystical experience I then had, in which the yet unborn St Martin of Assisi appeared in a vision. But first a few facts about St Francis. Supoosedely birds would actually land on his head and eat lunch! Hey St Chris of Assisi, did you know a flock of birds are eating your hat for lunch? And all Saint Chris did say is (it is said, by those who were there): Worry not, for it is all part of a plan.
Also, as a young St Fancis, he was deathly afraid of lepers as being a leper wasn’t considered a socially acceptable job back then (as it is now in certain Western Islamic Democracies / white people can be lepers too)). And the thought of him becomming one, posibley by maybe having sex with a lepper was just too horrible to contemplate.
As fatewood have it, one day long ago, in a place far away, around noon, on a hot summer day in Italy, St Francis turned a street corner and was confronted by his most unearthly nightmare fear he ever would feel. Panic set in as he realized he had unwittlingly walked straight into the middle of a large gathering of leppers holding protest about their lot in life.
At this moment though was when St Francis attained Nirvanahood when he realized that unless he learn to physically / emotionally embrace lepers as he might family, he would be bound to this world forever by his fear of lepers and this could really jam up his karmic cycle.
St Chris Of Martin had the same but similar experience of entering Nirvanahood when He realized (one night, alone at a bar) that all the women at the various concerts (he has performed for various and numerous pet welfare foundations) who gave him their phone number want to be his new friend (and he did not have to needlessly sit alone drinking cold tea). Thusly did St Chris of Assisi surely enter Nirvanahood.
And that’s about it. I almost forgot… in the vision, St Martin of Assis said that all living creatures are nothing more than the face of God in pet form. And my pet Lawrence likes to sleep on an unopend cd of Prospekts March, which greatly improves the quality of his dreams he claims.
The Church is righteous in it’s recognition of St Martin and The Great Works he has and continues to do for our best little friends ever. And In that spirit, Lawrence and I are going to the pound tomorrow to pick up a new pet female. Thank you for the inspiration St Chris.
May the Chris be with you as again we enter the month of John Lennon where the cold and deep snow of human miscalculation continues to blanket mankind as we pass from consciousness into a future unknwn.
Viva Los Critters.
cat lady on 06 Dec 2009 at 7:54 pm #
dearest saint chris:
I am an old woman who has 85 cats. some of them are young; some of them are old; I share my food with them all-our favorites to enjoy are sheba’s premium tuna fillets. that’s the good stuff. before my dole check comes, sometimes we have to eat pet’s pride mixed grill. we don’t always know what they mixed in that grill but it fills my stomach and there’s too!
please bless my household holy one. though the furniture is tattered and shredded; the rugs overrun with fleas + ticks; the health dept. constantly at the door-we seek out the peace that comes from our pet prayer to chris. please chris-i ask you to stop my cats from having any more cats-it is against my religion (catholic) to spay or neuter them. can you please tell the cats to stop having sex in my house?
god is great! saint chris walks on clouds with the angels. he blesses all the creatures from the creeping things to the biggest alligator in florida ready to eat you alive. sing praises of glory to our animal protector. amen. he is our christmas lights.
no-name on 18 Jan 2010 at 5:38 pm #
Hilarious indeed! I must extol such a cleverness and imagination in spiritual speaking about a mere human. Great indeed! Please continue.
Mystery Man on 09 Feb 2010 at 7:56 am #
Also, do you believe in eating cheese dipped in may butter?
Lonely Maiden of the Manor on 29 Mar 2010 at 3:17 pm #
Dearest Saint Chris, please hear my cries.
you blessed my animals by my playing your Coldplay music in the barn. You are the gentle purring that calm the fowls and gets the newborn babes of the manor to sleep.
Yet Nay-my flock is out of control.
I got so many baby ducks, hens, goats, & sheep and no one to help me tend them. The Cows in the meadow need milking; the pigs in the sty cry for more, more! I need a strong man to tame to horses!
Please Saintly Coldplayer-may you also Bless this poor woman of the earth, that I might find a righteous MAN to deliver me from my endless toil.
Might I be as fecund as the animals that bray and peck the ground for scraps? Is there a Coldplay match-making service (not those debaser wankers over at coldplaying.com-please!)that I might join to meet the magic man of my dreams?
Saint Chris: I pray that someday I may have my own Apples and Moses that I may search the Old Testament for equally obscure and wacky but creative names to call my own offspring. Much as you and dear Gwennie did! Oh Great Soul Master-I yearn to hear the cries of the babes-not the screechings of the roosters at dawn! I ask forbearance and blessings in abundance that you might placate a poor soul who loves your piano titterings and beautiful songs of love.
Saint Chris: Please send me a man right now! Thanks be to you! Amen.
A Man that Needs A Milkmaid on 29 Mar 2010 at 6:26 pm #
I too am merely a lonely bachelor looking for a fair maiden. It is a hard life-alone and without female companionship.
I implore the Great Chris Martin to pray a blessing of exuberant compassion on me so that I may also acquire a hard-working fraulein to milk the cows and scatter the chicken feed. It would also be helpful that she be a good cook and do windows.
I can promise her a good life on the farm and chores from morning till dusk! No illegals or paperless refuges please! Bless ME, Chris! Viva!
Gentleman Farmer on 31 Aug 2010 at 4:14 pm #
I wish to implore the Great One to bless my flock of pigeons.
I offer them bread and cracker crumbs and all they do is poop all over the bench.
Why?
Then I go out to the pot patch and some squirrels have nibbled my smoking stash. They hang around looking at me funny for getting them high.
I go into the shack and then my ole lady starts in on me for being a lazy, no-good Coldplay fan.
Since my life sucks, maybe I should be an animal in my next life and just shit and eat pot plants all day long? Bless that, Chris.