BREAKING NEWS: U2 to attend Pilgrims Glastonbury unveiling!
Church Members: Glastonbury 2010 NEWS! Saint Bono has deigned to bring the boys to Glastonbury 2010 and U2 will headline the festival for the first time! Hallelujah! This momentous occasion will occur June 25, 2010.
I believe that Saint Bono has timed this so that he may become the first officially-Church sanctioned GUEST AT THE HOLY PILGRIMS 3 ERECTION UNVEILING! Yes, Church - WE WILL HAVE THE HONOR OF WELCOMING (OR STOPPING THE U2 TOUR BUS) & showing “Church Hospitality” to The Other Great One (who hails from Ireland!)
I prayed on this matter and feel in my heart that this Glastonbury Festival headlining U2 gig is really just a out-and-out power grab to take away the rumors of Coldplay headlining this Festival! U2 KNOWS enlightenment came upon the Pilgrims 3 when the phallic sojourners first followed the Star of Somerset! Bearing gifts of Myrrh, Frankincense and lovingly-rolled up hemp, these fearless wanderers trod the (YELLOW) star-lit path to Coldplay redemption and resurrection. Never you mind that all they found was rain, mud, UK-bad dental-challenged Brit Chicks and horrible food in dingy motels! The journey they took is what matters and NOW this GREAT CHURCH OF CHRIS LOVE honors their memory and worshipful devotion to all things Coldplay!
Please Father Drobbingdon: HEAR MY CRIES! We must present a lavish welcome to Saint Bono out of U2. Only the most beautiful and bosom-blessed C:O:C: girls will be allowed an opportunity to solicit him! Only the finest wines and delicacies must touch his Holy lips. We will need to rent a Holy Spectre and obtain a golden throne for the Saint to rest his weary bones. For the actual erection unveiling, Saint Bono must sit on the stage next to only Church Elders and special invited guests. He must not be made to mingle with the riff-raff of Glastonbury. We will show Him a supreme experience and prove that the Great Church of Chris Martin is HOLY & POWERFUL-not a sanctuary of false worship or just another fan club of acne-prone basement-slappers!
Holy Ones-Hear my beseechings! We must begin now to plan for this BIG EVENT! The Yellow Tent will be as ERECT as the blessed southern appendages of the Pilgrims 3 and The Church will show DIVINE LOVE TO BOTH CHRIS MARTIN AND SAINT BONO!
After all, it was U2 and Saint Bono who first steered the limey ship that regaled the world with quasi-religious songs that harked of the coming female Messiah that Chris Martin is now ready to proclaim to the world. We do owe U2 a Blessed Blessing for coming before our Great One and leading the way.
So Let the Yellow Tent go up again! Let us claim a muddy patch along the road that all TOUR BUSES must ply in order to get to Glastonbury. Let this Great Church throw a massive erection party in honor of those 3 Holy Men who followed the Star to Somerset many years ago. Their path to divinity must be HELD UP for all the world to see (and gape at!) Yes, let the Irish Nobel-Prizer Great Saint Bono be also among the Church brethren and sistren as we gasp in wonder (and horror) as the “Penis-Like Stonehenge” Church Monument is unveiled. Saint Bono has seen the error of his ways and wishes to be among the Holy Church of Chris Martin devotees and the World BEHOLDS OUR GLORY forever more!
Viva Saint Bono! Reminder: All C:O:C: girls must keep their legs together and their bosoms covered up (no wardrobe mishaps) and all other Church personnel must not have sipped too much Blessed Chris wine! Father Drobbingdon, please make sure that Mother Drobbingdon is locked up in the basement cellar for these festivities - we do not want the rancor of your messy divorce to cast a shadow on the fun and festive atmosphere of the event.
May all brethren and sistren (and friends of the Church) prosper in Blessed infinite Love of all that is good and glorious in our Church of Chris Love. I greet all in a spirit of Holiness and Abiding Precious Devotion and magnanimity! Amen. Hallelujah!
November 26 2009 12:55 am | Church History and news
Pilgrim Girlfriend on 26 Nov 2009 at 6:18 am #
What’s with all this Pilgrim party stuff? I thought Drobbingdon made all 3 Pilgrims go to a lockdown Sex addicts rehab clinic?
If those guys get out before the treatment is done, that would not be good. All that attention has gone to their heads. They think theyre rock stars now.
I wonder if Bono’s coming to Glaston bury for some C:O:C: action. If U2 could score with Church of Chris girls, that would be a nother slap-in-the-face to Coldplay. I don’t trust Bono-even if he’s your Saint-watch him good, Church!
C:O:C: Charity Alert! on 02 Dec 2009 at 1:44 am #
Hello Church members and other C:O:C members:
The C:O:C: sista’s are getting together to hand out some Holiday Cheer and what not. No Yellow Tent! Just gather under the Big Pine Tree on the muddy road to Glastonbury! Near “the bushes!”
For a small Euro donation, put your hand into our laundry basket of dirty undies and pull out a ticket!
Whatever’s on that is what you win for a Xmas C:O:C: gift! Could be any number of “goodies” which you mustn’t reveal to the vice detectives, should they inquire. If the Health Dept. should ask about “things,” just say you don’t know either. If any “journalists” come sniffing around, say you don’t speak English…in English!
The Euro’s raised will be put to good use. Several C:O:C: “artistes” are in dire need of a bosom lifting or enhancement. That is our charity’s first priority. After that, any monies raised will go towards funding Xmas trees for the children’s orphanage & a Holiday party for the Convalescent Hospital. Anything left will cover Father Drobbingdon’s special gift: a prepaid prescription for Viagra-unlimited refills.
We hope all Church members and others will come up and out to lend a hand as the C:O:C: girls celebrate the season of “giving.” Hallelujah. May the Chris force be with you. Amen.
True Widow re: Glastonbury on 17 Feb 2010 at 7:42 am #
Today I was seized with an over-whelming sense of fore-boding about possible bickering and tensions run amok at Glastonbury 2010. On top of the constant wrangling between Father and Mother Drobbingdon in their contentious divorce, The Church must continuously suffer the slings-and-arrows of the guttersnipes at coldplaying.com. Things became so distressing, that dear Father Drobbingdon took off and has not been heard from for over a month!
Many of the brethren and sistren have implored him to return; as have many prominent community members such as Monsieur Loanshark and the Infectious Disease Doctor. We remain eternally optimistic.
I went to my Saints shrine and asked for guidance; then….
A vision came upon me from Saint Cobain in heaven. I was overcome with a overwhelming spiritual montage of Holy Cobain & the dove of peace. The Great Grunge God was standing there holding a white dove in his hands and bestowing love upon the music world. I knew that the Saint was anxious to instill in my mind a message of hope and plant the seed for an end to the bitterness and rancor that has overcome other festivities the Church has held outreach events at.
I believe that Father Drobbingdon-swept up in his own personal problems-is not of sound mind to call forth an end to the hostilities against coldplaying.com. Yet I or any other Church Elders such as BrotheRob or the Glastonbury Pilgrims hesitate to assume the burden of leadership that has been foisted upon us. Father Drobbingdon jealously guards his mantle of undeniable kingmanship here and upon his return-could cast out and excoriate any trespassers against his Church authority.
Church members: please pray for a cessation of tensions and the imminent return of our Spiritual Napolean-Father Drobbingdon. Also plead with our Saints to aide Chris Martin and Coldplay as they work feverishly on the new “striped-down” music.
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Burnt offerings and Coldplay candles lit shall bring guidance and soul nuturing so that we may finally rest in peace with coldplaying.com. Glastonbury 2010 will soon be upon us and we seek to leave a spiritual imprinteur on the world. Saint Bono would not want there to be acrimony and Chris Martin’s good name demands that we pull together as a group and seek a mutually beneficiary conclusion to this whole imbroglio! Blessing Upon You All! Call forth all Spirits to press upon our cause of peace! I remain your merciful servant in dutiful love and homage to Chris Martin forevermore…the True Widow.