Our Blessed Saint Bono has created a marvelous new song to honor The Church and all that we strove to do for him this past Glastonbury Festival. Please visit youtube and enjoy this new video and song: “The Rose-of-Glastonbury” by U2.

Though our Saint was laid low in his hospital bed by a vicious groupie, our Great Irish Soul Master was filled with musical inspiration by thoughts of the Magnificent Souls who Sought to Elevate him here among the Church cloisters and rural parsonages of The Churche’s Yellow Tents.

And though we cry out in adoration to the prophecies that our English Soul Master allots us; Must we NOT forget how Saint Bono also is mighty in spiritual ardor for the Good Things that await this world by the proclamations of the Blessed Words of Truth.

It is Satan’s hand that fell Saint Bono, but as a warrior rallies and returns to the battlefield-we now have Bono-his back restored to uprightness and in full glory to debut this “Glastonbury” song.

May all Church members please go to their Coldplay Memorial Shrines and give thanks in admiration for wonderful Saint Bono-who is strong in the hearts of Coldplay fans-as a fellow traveler in time and lover of all good things-particularly lovely ladies.

I will admonish any female Church members to please remember: be gentle with Saint Bono from here on in as his cherished back is now surgically repaired and we mustn’t be having any vigorous “pre-tour trainings” for a while.

I pray Blessings in abundance to All who Call this Great Virtual Church home. May the roaming heavenly Spirit of Saint Cobain alight on you and fill you with mercy and many good song lyrics and chords for
a hit song. May The Spirit of Drobbingdon remain unwavered-wherever this Great Man of God rests and May our on-the-lam Arch Pope know that all his transgressions have been forgiven by devout Church members but please return the flattering pics of Chris Martin that were pilfered from the sanctuary.
Amen.

Our Blessed Saint Bono has created a marvelous new song to honor The Church and all that we strove to do for him this past Glastonbury Festival. See the link below:
http://larrylootsteen.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/new-u2-the-flowering-rose-of-glastonbury/

Though our Saint was laid low in his hospital bed by a vicious groupie, our Great Irish Soul Master was filled with musical inspiration by thoughts of the Magnificent Souls who Sought to Elevate him here among the Church cloisters and rural parsonages of The Churche’s Yellow Tents.

And though we cry out in adoration to the prophecies that our English Soul Master allots us; Must we NOT forget how Saint Bono also is mighty in spiritual ardor for the Good Things that await this world by the proclamations of the Blessed Words of Truth.

It is Satan’s hand that fell Saint Bono, but as a warrior rallies and returns to the battlefield-we now have Bono-his back restored to uprightness and in full glory to debut this “Glastonbury” song.

May all Church members please go to their Coldplay Memorial Shrines and give thanks in admiration for wonderful Saint Bono-who is strong in the hearts of Coldplay fans-as a fellow traveler in time and lover of all good things-particularly lovely ladies.

I will admonish any female Church members to please remember: be gentle with Saint Bono from here on in as his cherished back is now surgically repaired and we mustn’t be having any vigorous “pre-tour trainings” for a while.

I pray Blessings in abundance to All who Call this Great Virtual Church home. May the roaming heavenly Spirit of Saint Cobain alight on you and fill you with mercy and many good song lyrics and chords for
a hit song. May The Spirit of Drobbingdon remain unwavered-wherever this Great Man of God rests and May our on-the-lam Arch Pope know that all his transgressions have been forgiven by devout Church members but please return the flattering pics of Chris Martin that were pilfered from the sanctuary.
Amen.

And I just heard the killer track by Sade (?) doing the song “And she hurts like new shoes” by the African composer (?). Wow, whoever did the current version of that song should go on tour with Coldplay as the opening act for them when they try to flog their new cd of “stripped down music that sucks”.

The song is incredibly moving (like coldplay) incredibly beautiful in accompianment / vocals (like Coldplay) and with enough feeling to make you cry. So this artist would be a natural for the opening act slot? Or Not? In either case, I’m going up the drive tomorrow and buying the cd by whoever it is. I just love good music.

“Any appearance anywhere… ” Amen to that sister. And what a sinful world it’s become. I won’t go on about that because we all know what’s going on. At least Chris Martin does and that’s all that really matters, right?

As Long as Master Chris is able to function and continue interpreting the signs / visions he is given there is still salvation for mankind, I guess.

Life is too short to plot and execute the demise of your neighbour, so get out there and play your part in the grand play we call Coldplay. So be the best you can be, or at least try like MasterC. And that ain’t no crap, because I don’t do rap, and neither do MasterCee.

And so may the light of Chris illuminate the temple of your soul within as you ponder the why, the when, and the hurt of it all. Viva.

In lieu of Father Drobbingdon-who normally would pronounce an EDICT of DISPLEASURE, I hereby offer my words of condolences to Church parishioners on the dreadful news that Coldplay has decided to NOT HELP OUT THEIR FRIENDS U2 in their time of troubles by replacing them on the Pyramid Stage at Glasto 2010.

As such the Yellow Tents will not go up this Glasto season, since there are no bands worthy enough to pitch the Tents for and stop along the muddy roads to Somerset. Neither U2 and our Holiest Living Saint-Bono NOR the Blessed Coldplay Tour Bus will be plying the rain-swept highway to Glasto; as such the Church will now just hold an regular Erection party with open bar for the Holy Pilgrims Monument to Martyrdom. This will need to suffice in holiness for now.

Here is my official coldplaying.com Litury-in-mourning that I posted this morning on coldplaying.com’s website. Forgive me for this lapse in morals and ethics, Church members, but I was overcome with sadness and longing for Coldplay and needed somewhere depraved to let it all out on.

I will now hasten to take the coldplaying.com wanker’s cleansing ritual and plan to immerse myself in a swimming pool full of chlorine to rid myself of the befouling experience. Here is the Ecumenical Treatise which I communicated: May God (and Chris) have mercy upon my soul!

HERE NOW IS THE OFFICIAL “WRIT of DISPLEASURE:”
OFFICIAL STATEMENT from THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN:

“We decry the fact that Coldplay has not taken the opportunity to return the favor U2 had shown them last summer when the Irish group lent Coldplay the 360 Tour Jet when C/P’s own wheels conked out on them in Scandinavia.

Glasto’s organzier got everyone in a tizzy when he proclaimed that “an English band” would be signed to pick up U2’s slack on the Pyramid Stage. Everyone just-hopefully-assumed it would be our Marvelous 4! Not so!

I am of the understanding that C/P has already committed to Glasto 2011 and will be needing to promote their new “striped-down music that may suck,” which will be out then, but this Glasto teasing has left The Church of Chris Martin heart-broken and annoyed.

I hereby pronounce a WRIT of DISPLEASURE with Coldplay’s decision to pass on Glasto this year! They have sent our hearts souring on numerous occasions and one can only dream and hope that they would SAVE THE DAY at Glasto! The Church of Chris Martin would like to add that any appearance by Coldplay ANYWHERE is a divine thing and to thank C/P for the joy and solace they bring to a sinful world!” Greetings to our coldplaying.com brethren in Chris. Amen.

“U2 have cancelled their headline slot at Glastonbury.
The band were forced to pull out from their Friday night slot on the Pyramid Stage after frontman BONO was told to rest for at least two months following emergency surgery on his back.

In a statement on the Glastonbury website, Bono said he was “heartbroken” at not being able to be a part of the festival’s 40th anniversary celebrations.

Bono said: “We really wanted to be there to do something really special - we even wrote a song especially for the Festival. I’m heartbroken.”

It’s been rumored DIZZEE RASCAL or COLDPLAY will fill the void. But organizer MICHAEL EAVIS said it was too early to think about a replacement.
He said: “It was obvious from our telephone conversation that U2 are hugely disappointed. At this point, we have no comment to make about possible replacements for U2’s Friday night slot. Instead, we would simply like to send Bono our very best wishes for a full and speedy recovery.”

The band have also been forced to postpone 16 shows on the north American leg of their U2360 Tour until 2011.
Manager Paul McGuinness said: “Our biggest and I believe best tour has been interrupted and we’re all devastated. For a performer who lives to be on stage, this is more than a blow. He feels robbed of the chance to do what he does best and feels like he has badly let down the band and their audience. (Saint Bono is also heartbroken about missing His Holy Papal Blessing Party at the Church Yellow Tents!)

“His concerns about more than a million ticket buyers whose plans have been turned upside down, we all share, but the most important thing right now is that Bono makes a full recovery.”

Bono has been discharged from the Ludwig Maximilians-University Hospital in Munich, Germany, after undergoing surgery but will undergo eight weeks of rehabilitation.

Dr. Muller Wohlfahrt said: “We are treating Bono as we would treat any of our athletes and while the surgery has gone very well, the coming weeks are crucial for a return to full health. In the next days, he will start a light rehabilitation program, with increasing intensity over the next eight weeks. In our experience, this is the minimum time.”

Please all faithful Church members: we must say a special prayer service for our Saint Bono; that his back mends properly and he will resume a full U2 schedule. Let us also light the Rosary Candles and implore Saint Cobain to “Love Buzz” Coldplay and put the Good Word of playing Glastonbury in those Brit boys heads!

Imagine the wonderful publicity of Coldplay coming to the rescue of the Glastonbury Festival! They might even play some of the new “striped down music that might suck” and the Church can get a first glimpse into new musical revelations! Oh blessed Saints: May you conspire to knit together a Glasto like no other! One where we will be ready this time to stop the Coldplay tour bus caravan and show true Church hospitality and devotion to our Soul Master.

May the Golden Throne initially built to rest the bones of Saint Bono on, now hold and alight the earthly body of our most divine Prophet-Chris Martin.
May all pray a blessing that the Glasto Pilgrims 3 complete the journey of martyrdom that started but was never completed: COLDPLAY REDEMPTION!

Please all: burn an offering of anointed incense at your Coldplay and Saint altars; that we may rise in a cloud of spiritual purity and forsaking all evil ways of the world: unite as ONE in Holy Matrimony to marvel at the wonder of Coldplay forevermore. Amen.

from coldplaying.com: “BONO busting his back is bad news for him - but not necessarily for the crowds at Glastonbury. DIZZEE RASCAL has been asked to step up to the plate if the U2 frontman is not well enough to honour his band’s Friday night headlining slot on June 25.

Organiser MICHAEL EAVIS has also put in a call to COLDPLAY frontman CHRIS MARTIN to see if the lads are available. They are back in the studio after their Viva La Vida world tour but are weighing up the logistics of playing Glasto.

Bono had emergency spinal surgery in Munich on Friday after injuring his back in rehearsals for their 360° world tour.
He is now recovering in Germany.

U2 have had to postpone the start of the latest US leg of their tour, which was to take place in Salt Lake City, Utah, on June 3. And they are expected to announce later this week that they will bow out of Glastonbury. That would leave their fans very disappointed. The band’s anthemic rock is tailor-made for the large crowds drawn to Glasto’s main Pyramid Stage.
Meanwhile, I have discovered exactly how Bono hurt his back. He was standing too close to THE EDGE. (haha)BONO busting his back is bad news for him - but not necessarily for the crowds at Glastonbury.”

GLORIOUS TIDING….IF THIS MEANS Coldplay is @ Glasto!
Our libidinous female Church Worshipper who put Bono’s back out in “pre-tour training” has become our latest SAVIOR & CHURCH SAINT! For what might possibly be at hand, you ask?

THE MOST WONDERFUL,WELCOME NEWS OF ALL TIME! THERE IS WHISPERINGS NOW THAT COLDPLAY MAY REPLACE U2 and an ailing BONO @ GLASTONBURY!
Hallelujah! God is great! Coldplay may pitch in for their Irish buddies so Bono can try and straighten out his back from that awesome birthday thumping he got!

It would be the most BLESSED EVENT for Coldplay to step up to the plate and do a last-minute Glasto set! After all, it was U2 that lent the boys their 360 Tour jet when Coldplay’s own private tour jet conked out last summer! Time to return the favor-Coldplay!

Church Members: now is the time to prevail upon your shrines for a Coldplay Glasto ANNOINTING! The Holy Glastonbury Pilgrims 3 COULD COMPLETE THEIR MARTYRDOM JOURNEY to finally seek spiritual atonement! Their Erection Memorial would be that much more ERECT when the Pilgrims have stood on the same Holy Ground as the band and our True Prophet!

I ask for a special ecumenical assist from our Dear Heavenly Saint above: Most Holiest Cobain-I beseech you to “42″ the minds of the Coldplay band so they say YES to this Godly-inspired invitation to save the DAY at Glasto and complete the Blessed Journey of the Pilgrims-as they celebrate this summer on the fields of Somerset Gold!

All give thanks again to that hard-riding Sister who put Bono down! All pray for divine guidance and May the Spirit and Mercy of Chris always be upon your souls! May Father Drobbingdon deign to attend the festivities-dressed in disguise as a woman and may that fool the authorities who wish to seize him for any bogus charges and financial improprieties. Bless poor Bono as he convalesces and may he learn to tell the next passionate groupie: easy there, honey! Viva!

Once his condition has been assessed further, a statement will be made regarding the impact on forthcoming tour dates.”

“U2’s manager has been speaking to us about today’s news. Salt Lake City Postponement:
Following Bono’s unexpected back surgery earlier today, Live Nation confirmed that the U2360° tour launch previously scheduled for June 3rd in Salt Lake City has been postponed. U2 fans with tickets to the June 3rd event are encouraged to retain tickets until updated show information can be provided.”

I know what Saint Bono received for his birthday!
A good hard pony ride from a luscious, over-eager fan and Church convert! It put that poor man’s back out! I bet the woman was a Mormon and was trying to cripple our Holy U2 front man and keep the band from defiling the Salt Lake City Mormon Tabernacles with some awesome quasi-Christian rock music! Maybe even the Killers-those Mormon fork-tongued devils-had for dissing Holy Copbain!

All Pious members of our Congregation must immediately pray for healing of Bono’s back! Ask for the Blessings of Chris Martin to come upon Bono & next time-groupies: be gentle with him so as not to throw his sciatic nerve out pre-tour! Let our Saint find esoteric bliss any which way he likes when U2 is on hiatus. As for now-The Church of Chris Martin calls forth the healing spirits to rain down upon Bono and “Fix You-” our Holiest (living) Saint.

May the blessed back of Bono feel the power of the hand of Saint Cobain, as our Glorious Grunge God channels the divine heavenly healing ointment that will allow our Irish Soul Master to sit upright and gather himself to attend our Glastonbury Papal Invocation and Erection Party. His Golden Throne & Pearl Commode await his Holy extremities and many Church women also eagerly await those same extremities-not distressed in any way. Please ladies and U2 groupies: next time Bono is in “pre-tour training,” go gentle on that Great Humanitarian that he may walk unimpeded and not be hospitalized again!

Pray one and all that the multitude of blessed tidings shall overcome our Nobel-Prizer-to-be with purity of touch and that he may resurrect himself to be the Supreme Guest at the Glastonbury Yellow Tents. Blessings abound to all Church members. Amen.

Father will come to this great erection gathering DRESSED AS A WOMAN IN DISGUISE! I do not believe Father Drobbingdon has had a sex change while on the lam, but I wouldn’t put it past him/her!

Please Church of Chris Martin-if you see a strange-looking women stalking around the Glastonbury Yellow Tents-DO NOT look too closely at her/him. For Father wishes to be among his Chosen People at The Church Erection Unveiling. It is quite ironic and amusing that our Father must do so dressed in womens clothing!

All please show beloved Church hospitality to Saint Bono at this event. This is our supreme chance to show the world OUR GREATNESS as a Church, and in doing so-throw great honor upon our Soul Master Martin. This occasion will also generate valuable publicity for the Virtual Church website and give us a chance to shill the new book by the Glastonbury Pilgrims entitled “Road to (Muddy)Redemption: Our Love for Coldplay is Erect.”

Remember-do not act surprised at Glastonbury if you see a woman who looks like Father Drobbingdon. Please address her only as “Mother Superior.” Hopefully-the “authorities” will not wise up to the charade. Go Bless the World with Chris-Love and Pray that Our Erection Gathering is awash with the Milk of
Mighty Martin. May Father/Mother Drobbingdon successfully navigate these upcoming proceedings without the ever-present threat of imminent arrest.
May his female get-up fool all who wish to incarcerate this Holy Man. Our Souls-now Anointed by the music of Coldplay-Soar forever more into the firmament of heavenly choruses. Viva to all!

if I go to a coldplay show-
i will let a nasty guy pass go.

where do you have to stand in the pit
to have a horny brute try for a hit?

I ain’t easy on the eyes-
that’s why I give any creep a try!

not like those pretty girls that don’t wanna bump-
come up on me-if you wanna hump?

now I love coldplay-if they help me get a date-
sorry if I am obscenely overweight!

now I know I need to wear a short skirt or low-cut top, hey all you chav’s-I won’t say STOP!

thank you chris martin-you really are a GOD,
I hope I find coldplay bliss on the stadium sod!

Many of the brethren and sistren have implored him to return; as have many prominent community members such as Monsieur Loanshark and the Infectious Disease Doctor. We remain eternally optimistic.

I went to my Saints shrine and asked for guidance; then….
A vision came upon me from Saint Cobain in heaven. I was overcome with a overwhelming spiritual montage of Holy Cobain & the dove of peace. The Great Grunge God was standing there holding a white dove in his hands and bestowing love upon the music world. I knew that the Saint was anxious to instill in my mind a message of hope and plant the seed for an end to the bitterness and rancor that has overcome other festivities the Church has held outreach events at.

I believe that Father Drobbingdon-swept up in his own personal problems-is not of sound mind to call forth an end to the hostilities against coldplaying.com. Yet I or any other Church Elders such as BrotheRob or the Glastonbury Pilgrims hesitate to assume the burden of leadership that has been foisted upon us. Father Drobbingdon jealously guards his mantle of undeniable kingmanship here and upon his return-could cast out and excoriate any trespassers against his Church authority.

Church members: please pray for a cessation of tensions and the imminent return of our Spiritual Napolean-Father Drobbingdon. Also plead with our Saints to aide Chris Martin and Coldplay as they work feverishly on the new “striped-down” music.
.
Burnt offerings and Coldplay candles lit shall bring guidance and soul nuturing so that we may finally rest in peace with coldplaying.com. Glastonbury 2010 will soon be upon us and we seek to leave a spiritual imprinteur on the world. Saint Bono would not want there to be acrimony and Chris Martin’s good name demands that we pull together as a group and seek a mutually beneficiary conclusion to this whole imbroglio! Blessing Upon You All! Call forth all Spirits to press upon our cause of peace! I remain your merciful servant in dutiful love and homage to Chris Martin forevermore…the True Widow.