Bulletins from the Bunker, #1
This is it!
Never mind - Obama’s going to save us! Isn’t he?
And that doesn’t even matter! Even the ever-reliable Fox News says it’s ALL OVER!
Not only that, but it seems that the accursed Coldplaying.com have CURSED Coldplay’s current tour - causing Chris to burn himself and the rains to come every night - in an attempt to discredit and divide the Righteous Church of Chris Martin.
The reason that things have been so quiet around here of late is that I have been converting a corner of my cellar into a bunker - not easy, due to my disability (acute corpulence). I’ve got a mattress, a camp stove and a bunch of weapons, and I’m going out this afternoon to stock up on bottled water and canned food. I’ve fixed it so I can get the internet down there, so I can continue to report the coming apocalypse, direct from my trusty laptop to the world, via thechurchofchrismartin.com!
I’m going to have lots of free time, however, and as Alex Jones only broadcasts four hours a day, I intend to devote much of the coming days to an in-depth scouring of Chris’s lyrics, looking for clues about the coming apocalypse and how humanity is going to survive it.
Chris - nobody said it would be easy, but now is the time to fix us. Yet we know that the Last Days are upon us, the Third Gospel, the Gospel of Truth, or X&Y having been revealed, that the rapture must be upon us soon. The signs are there. It is as foretold. IT’S TIME FOR CHRIS! COME ON, CHRIS! SORT STUFF OUT!
June 03 2009 10:46 pm | news and site news
Nuke the Nukers on 05 Jun 2009 at 12:30 am #
RE: North Korea…There is a need for concern here. Jesus specifically mentions the “abomination of desolation” spoken of by the Prophet Daniel. (Matt. 24:15). Daniel discussed the end-time, and the end-time ruler specifically from chapters 7 through 12. He described the end-time ruler as: (1) the “little horn;” (2) “one who makes desolate;” and (3) “abomination of desolation.” The picture of the end-time ruler that emerges from these contexts is of one who takes the place of God, destroys saints and causes great desolation, and is destroyed by the returning Lord.
Paul’s description is essentially the same as Daniel’s. He describes the man of lawlessness as the “son of destruction,” just as Daniel described one who would destroy and cause desolation. Paul says that the lawless one “exalts himself above every so-called god,” nearly a quotation of “he will exalt and magnify himself above every god” (Dan. 11:36), Daniel’s description of the end-time king “set-up” as the “abomination of desolation.” Paul also revealed, as did Daniel, that the man of lawlessness would be destroyed by the coming Lord (2 Thess. 2:8).
Let’s send Coldplay over to North Korea for a “concert” and then have Chris Martin go jack up that jackass Kim Jong! Oh! and coldplaying.com too, who probably are behind these nuclear threats coming out of North Korea to take the heat off themselves for laying a curse on Coldplay-and Messianic figure-Chris Martin! North Korea: Go BOMB coldplaying.com to Kingdom Come! Thank You!
Youth Pastor Thomas of Yorke on 06 Jun 2009 at 7:41 am #
Attention All Church Members of Good Faith:
I have been instructed and informed by some Amish friends that certain pronouncements of impending doom
and looming nuclear disaster have upset and caused anxiety for the congregation. I wish to reassure the Beloved parishioners of the Church to not let this chatter cast shadows on your day.
To wit: Esoteric matters such as astrology, Biblical prophecies, and economic cycles fall into the realm of dabbling in witchcraft and that is something our Holy (Jesus) Bible frowns upon. Now that Arch Pope Drobbingdon would bring this up as part of his “bunker mentality” perhaps suggests that bunkering may be understood allegorically-a metaphor perhaps for genealogies, family trees, and dynamic alliances.
These You Tube videos posted are not arcane or obscure, although fervently nationalistic. They exist as but an arbitrary example, dictated and determined by this current era-yet in accordance with the trials and demands on the internet age and time. Furthermore, today no longer represents “anything,” but just a fleeting misty element of time. The same basis as that which formed the existence of this very Church-it’s own folklore, customs, monuments, local dialects-which the Church may wish to reclaim and promulgate. The Church must have its own specific apparatus for defense and administration, adapted to its own specific needs-within the context of the administration of justice.
In this regard I wish to call forth Holiest Saint Bono-cleansed now of the “mouth that roared” insults to Holy One Chris Martin-and in a mode that seeks out castration options for evil-doers, pagans,dope fiends and nefarious hoodlums. It is in this hotbed of punishment that the Church MUST consider an even more insidious weapon than Saint Bono’s “solemn castration” allows as that which will finally put to rest our greatest foe and nemesis: coldplaying.com.
What is this you may ask? Well, what do they do to SNAKES-but CUT THEIR HEADS OFF! Yes-Parish! Beheadings are NOT a thing of the past, but now may find their way into civilized Church society. The Church of Chris Martin has become a doormat, a laughingstock of the world for our constant turning-of-the-cheek behavior that is really just another upstanding characteristic of the meek, gentle man himself-Chris Martin. Arch Pope must not shrink back from this possibility as he, himself has fallen victim to the coldplaying.com skulking temptress that visited upon the Arch Pope a particularly nasty health crisis. Not to mention, the curses heaped upon Coldplay and Chris Martin. Now it seems, coldplaying.com has interjected themselves into international affairs by threading their toxins and mental viruses into the dementia-head of North Korea’s Kim Jong-the Holy Terror!
Lest you think me a rock star diva from a well-respected English band, please know I am no idiosyncratic crank, but an extremely influential, distinguished, most acclaimed and responsible man of the ages. I only ask Church members to appeal to the vanity and shameless ambition of Arch Pope Drobbingdon by beseeching the Great Corpulent One to add solemn beheading to the solemn castration option being weighed by Saint Bono out of U2 as fitting punishments indeed for the wrath of hell rained down upon the world by the Underworld Lords and Heathens: coldplaying.com.
Continue on the righteous path of enlightenment. Pray to your shrines and devotional Objects. Do not forsake the Holy Glastonbury Pilgrims 3–apostles of justice in the pursuit of musical metaphysical magic and their erections must become a phallic symbol to the world at large of the over-flowing LOVE that this Blessed Church represents to one-and all. Amen.
Bishop-Elect Paul of McCartney on 07 Jun 2009 at 3:33 am #
A Friendly Hello to One-and-All Members:
Taking into consideration the previous encouraging words from Pastor Thom of Yorke, I would like to also address something that the Radioheaded gentleman might wish he could do over. That is, been a little friendlier to Miss Miley Cyrus at the Grammy Awards in February of last year. Instead of the inpolite brush-off he gave this young Disney lass-he might heed how Chris Martin handled it. From http://www.mileycyrusheaven.com:
“Miley Cyrus may join British band Coldplay on tour. The Hannah Montana star recently confessed her crush on the band’s frontman Chris Martin.”My ideal man is a 16-year-old Chris Martin. But my mom says I have terrible taste,” The Daily Telegraph quoted her, as saying. And now Martin has replied to the 15-year-old’s words, inviting her to play with the band at some shows during their current world tour. “I like Miley. She seems to have a sweet character.”Anyone we like or respect, no matter how different they may be, we would play with,” The ‘Yellow’ singer said.”
Perhaps this is the answer to breaking the Swine Flu coldplaying.com scourge and curse: bring along a pre-teen on tour to deflect all that negative energy? We can redeem Coldplay’s tour itinerary and take the heat off dear Chris Martin by letting this little gummie bear prance around the stage a bit. She can bring along a new Coldplay fan base: pre-teen girls and the Church could plan some fun activities for these pubescent pagans that would indoctrinate our Church propoganda into their pretty little head’s! It’s a win-win situation.
Church members: As long as dearest Chris Martin can withstand all that Cyrus syrup, & Holy Mother Blessed Gwyneth has no objections, then pray for guidance in this matter. Another idea: Chris invite Susan Boyle-as soon as her “mental” condition stabilizes-on tour! Chris Martin has a certain way about him that seems to calm agitated folks such as Miss Boyle. Think of the great press!
I sincerely hope I don’t come off sounding like some kind of publicity-hound or media mad-man, since I have my own comeback to worry about. Still I send over greetings and best wishes to your Church and
will attend the unveiling of the Glastonbury Erection Shrine, as my schedule allows. (Ringo says Hi!) All you Need is (Chris Martin) Love! Hallelujah!
The Real Chris Martin on 28 Jun 2009 at 5:50 am #
Are there no piano wire salesman in iran? What a freakshow. I witnessed and cried about that video of Neda dying 3 times on the weekend… and then a fourth time about ten minutres before I planned to leave for the Sunday night show. I’m a sucker for human inhumanity.
I highly recommend everyone should cry before a show, it adds another dimension not normally within our experience. (unless of course you cry during the show / and after / and in the car going home / and… not me, i’m way over that….
You are at you zenith Chris Martin / Coldplay, and because of your exceptional collective character, You and Coldplay could ride this wave for many years to come. You have so many songs in you yet to come, so many things to resovle.
As the great past Spitiual Immam of American Ronald Reagan once commented: “if it’s not broken, why fix it?” Now while I am obviously not asking you you willfuly plan and execute the demise of all living things for proffit as they did, it would be great if you did stay together for at least 5 more cds or maybe forever why not? If you never try, you never know.
The kick I get from seeing you live is like nothing I get from anything else in this world. You / Colddplay are the definition of Sublime Art. Your creativity inspires us all and your song is a wave of comfort in a world gone mad. We live to return your love in concert. When the circle is complete, is when unity is one. And it all starts with you.
For Ever Yours / there will never be another / Chris Martin / Coldplay
Senior Cleric Ayatollah on 28 Jun 2009 at 3:08 pm #
It is I- Powerful Senior Cleric Ayatollah !
I issue a hard line crackdown today.
I do not allow whimpering fools like the above infidel writer-Real Chris Martin-to defy Iranian wisdom & counsel. Yes-Neda got shot and died on the street but she is not a REAL martyr like your Pilgrims Holy 3-some. Neda never once trekked the Blessed path to Glastonbury and would NEVER lower herself like that to stay in such shabby motels. That place was unfit for even an Arab dog !
Speaking of dogs…I will now issue a Muslim Writ:
Regarding coldplaying.com and the Swine Flu virus released at Glastonbury sickening music-goers !
“The whole world knows how Arabs and Muslims (and Jews) feel about eating pork, so now the world looks on alarmingly as this shameless, uncouth misery known as coldplaying.com strikes yet again on the world stage. I denounce these hoodlums and tell these dogs of the internet that they will be punished
WITHOUT MERCY ! And some of the top ring-leaders will face the executioner ! These punishments I declare to be harsh, but the nasty new turn that coldplaying.com has taken calls for a stern crackdown that goes beyond what your Sainted Bono generally prefers: that is- solemn castration.
Boning these bone-heads at coldplaying.com is TOO GOOD a punishment for them. We will string them up like the pigs they are and whip them for all the world to see. NO-they cannot wear their black leather outfits! This is no fun-and-games! Anyone who takes up arms against Glastonbury-will answer to
me: the powerful Senior Cleric Ayatollah !
Long jail sentences, hangings, the guillotine, forced listenings to Robbie Williams albums, exhuberant castration (as opposed to solemn,) are only some of the punishments that await the web hooligans-without a trial-I might add !
The guilty verdicts will come down as the will of myself-the Supreme Cleric-who will dish out the ultimate in Muslim justice and depravity because of coldplaying.com’s continued defiance of common decency. Anyone who takes up arms to fight with the people-they are worthy of execution. Those who disturb the peace and destroy the ambience of musical events where Coldplay has, may, or perhaps will in the future play are AT WAR WITH GOD>
They will be dealt with without mercy !
My call for merciless retribution for coldplaying.com may stir up calls for humanitarian considerations, but I say this : go take that up with Saint Bono and the United Nations.
I-the Great Ayatollah do hereby decree war with the anarchists of coldplaying.com. May they rot in the fiery pits of hell-deprived of all Coldplay music and pictures of Chris Martin for ever more !
It is Done! Pray to the 13 virgins of the afterlife!
Stan and Ollie on 29 Jun 2009 at 1:35 am #
Fine mess you have us in this time Stan. It says here that because of you, some Ayotoslag will be separating a few people from their heads at the Big Show Glastonbury?
I’I'I’I'I’MU’UM’MUMUMUMUMUMUMUMMMMM SORRY OLLIE. Yes, but do you feel it in your heart?