Bulletins from the Bunker, #4
My brethren - momentous news! But first, a few pieces of miscellany -
- Courtesy of Pheugoo, a fitting tribute to the King of Pop - Viva la Beat It!
- This guy isn’t a Martinite, but he should be - Are Coldplay Illuminati Occultists?
- The CoCM’s definition in the Urban Dictionary.
- An astrological breakdown of Chris and Gwyneth’s Wedding Day.
Now, to business. Brethren, Sistren, I am leaving the bunker. The time has come for me to return to the world, and to the mission of the Church of Chris Martin. While the True Widow’s protestations have not been ignored, the decisive factor arrived this morning, when I received the following letter -
Whilst I feel glad that the world has not ended, I do feel disappointed to be proven wrong. I had hoped that I would become the only broadcaster left on earth, firing polemical broadsides from my bunker laptop. Instead, I was a fat man in a cellar for a month with brick dust in my hair. Not only that, but the housing market seems to be on the way back up.
So what have I learned? I learned that rats may seem pleasant when you’re awake, but they’ll try to eat your eyes as soon as you fall asleep. I learned that internet pornography is the surest way of catching a computer virus. And I learned that man can survive on beans alone, but he better have a well-ventilated house.
Above all, I learned that hope is the greatest gift we have. Except language. And maybe music.
September 07 2009 12:18 pm | news and site news
Mrs. Drobbingdon on 07 Sep 2009 at 4:10 pm #
Well dear Drobbingdon-I see that you have finally come to your senses and all these mutterings about “End of Days” was just a lot of hot air-just like that stagnant fetid air down in that bunker of yours.
Whilst you were away, all Hell broke lose at Drobbingdon Manor and I have a WHOLE list of chores and projects for you to do the minute you get home.
I shall also avail of you to go get VD-tested again to make sure we can safely resume marital relations without the fear of a skin-eating sex disease rearing-up! Speaking of that-I hope you didn’t get TOO PLAYFUL with those MOR COC men down in the bunker-because that is a whole another can of worms-so to speak!
Even though I have gained 100 pounds of fat since your underground departure-I forbid you to entangle again with any of those COC women! There were titterings at the Church social and tea party that you were making a fool out of me with those amoral, immoral women & the gossip is all over the village now.
So darling-I welcome you back home! No sex, No home-cooked meals, Not my cleaning and laundering UNTIL you get going on all the projects and jobs I have posted for you to do! It has been a long time since I had a man around the house, and I intend to make the most of it right away!
Love, your wife..Mrs. Drobbingdon.
BrotherOb on 09 Sep 2009 at 10:41 pm #
How true, how true, how true and never before has the world needed just that and more than at a time like right now perhaps?
There is a lot of good in the world (music helps a lot) and even I am partially happy personally (8% ?) but if you look out there at the big picture, it’s a little scary.
With the right wing anti health corporate facist double speak machine working overtime causing chaos, death and madness in America, with over thirteen thousand dead in the past three years in Mexico’s drug wars and some now saying the Gov effort / war against drugs is really a plan to wipe out all the primary cartels opposition in exchange for public safety / peace between the dominant cartel and the state of Mexico / … El Presidente Narco-state / this is civilization? Which planet and century?
And of course the economy and the environment, the latter of which is showing signs of severe stress.
Here in BC we have / once had many bears, black and grizzly. Recently, the salmon stocks have collapsed and the predicted big fish run never happened and they (scientists) don’t know why or what’s going on in the ocean anymore. The result being that “river walkers” / fisheries data people are seeing no spawning fish and virtually no bears who eat them before / for hibernation.(the fish, not the river walkers, and for more distressing / depressing / hopelessness inspiring news, google: ‘jelly fish invading oceans’.)
One naturalist figures many died in their dens last winter as he and others saw very few cubs last spring.
A top chain predator like the bear has a 90% mortality rate in one 12 mnoth perioed and that’s normal? Good luck humans.
I remember years ago they thought that maybe 5000 Bengal tigers were left in the world. Maybe now there are only 500 left?
And what is the value of one bear or one tiger or for that matter any living being in this world? What is the value of life itself, the jewel of all creation? You tell me. What are you worth, the you beyond time?
You have to wonder (very briefly) when we willfully let this world / environment get to such a decrepit state of affairs such that bears and other animals suffer sudden catastrophic mortality rates, then you have to say that society does not value nature very much and what else would you expect in a world run by economists? Socialism for the rich and captitalism for the rest. People bears and tigers included.
So have a nice day and like the man says, Hope is our Salvation and The Church of Chris Martin is The Way. And remember: only pray while you are listening to good music (loud), otherwise no one hears it.
May the Chris be with you as we all eagerly await the return of the King of The Gingerbread People who once ruled the world with Grace and Love (his twin sister and brother), and as fortold will return soon so don’t worry about a thing.
(Also, watch for my soon to be released first short video with Talking Bear telling his story of being wiped out with BrotherObs high intenstiy crying music as emotional backdrop for maximum impact on human species love centre as they struggle to understand the story of the value of Brother Bear.
They say that besides man the grizzly bear is the only know animal to actually sit and watch the sun set.
The big difference being that most bears probably enjoy it while many humans are so stuck in the past / future they miss the present, where everything is always happening for ever. Rose, what rose?
If you don’t believe me then go ask The King of the Gingerbread People when he reincarnates on earth, because he knows the value of zero and can also talk with God through music.
Virgin of Glastonbury-Revised & Improved on 10 Sep 2009 at 12:19 am #
Oh BrotherRob..your words are blessed vestiges of inspiration and a rhapsody to the heart. Yes..bears may be declining along with salmon and the lower-middle classes on the North American continent. But what younder do I see on the horizon? It is.. H O P E !
And that H O P E is Father Drobbingdon..OUT OF THE CLOSET OF HIS SOUL! He has come up and out of his fortress to begin life anew among the living! That is to be CELEBRATED! The Virgin of Glastonbury believes that the C O C amassing..with the girls becoming the sensation of the nation AND a HIT with the libidinouness lasciviousness BIG ROCK STARS too!
THE MOR COC men are just as outlandishly POPULAR..but with a set quite unlikely to appreciate the over ample assets of the girls. NO MATTER! The C O C supremacy rules! It was the key to getting Father to come back and seize the reigns of power and glory that await him as he steers this GREAT CHURCH forward and to future GREATNESS as it triumphs in goodness and laughter over the virginal hand-jobbers over at coldplaying.com!
Yes BrotherRob, despite ALL the sad and bad things you have mentioned and that have BUMMED us all out-WE CELEBRATE TODAY because it is GLORIOUS and Father Drobbingdon has been RESURRECTED to continue his life’s and soul’s toil in this MINISTRY of MARTIN!
Please get down on your knees-not for what you would usually do down there-but to say thanks for all the prayers that propelled Father to curtail his remoteness and seek daylight once again! God is good! Praise be to all C O C ’s-be they girl or guy!
Amen!
Holy Glastonbury Pilgrims 3-Announce their own YELLOW TENT EVENTS! on 12 Sep 2009 at 3:01 pm #
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: The Church of Chris Martin
is
PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE A GREAT EVENT:
HOLY GLASTONBURY PILGRIMS 3 YELLOW TENT EVENT!
featuring assorted C: O: C: girls appearances
& MOR C: O: C: ’s interpretative dances!
YES! It is true-the Holy Glastonbury Pilgrims 3 have made a TRIUMPHANT appearance roadside at last night’s Manchester Coldplay concert in preparation for a MAJOR PUBLIC FESTIVITY next weekend to celebrate the GIANT 2 Coldplay shows at Wembley Stadium! These Blessed Sojurners will be hawking autographs, signing yellow balloons, pushing their “Please help With Our Erections” underwear and T-shirts line, and fondling..I mean dancing with the lovely and talented C: O: C: “artistes.” The MOR C:O:C: men shall also strut their stuff at Wembley!
Now last night in Manchester-the MOR C:O:C: men proceeded to strumpet in style along the road-a few of the braver (or higher) men dancers ran into the road -they were so excited (or agitated.) This daring maneuver managed to stop a tour bus or two in hopes of way-leighing the band Coldplay and forcing them to stop and watch the boys prance on their behalf!
Well-as is the luck of those with not a lot of tools in their shed-THIS particular tour bus just happened to be a bunch of French pensioners on vacation and most of the old women on the bus looked mortified at the MOR C:O:C: men, but it may be that it’s been decades since those old gals last saw a penis! And they were trying to remember just what that ugly appendage was?
And so it has come to pass that the Glastonbury Pilgrims-they of the previous soujourn to the Mighty Fields of Mud and home to stale ale, bland food and even blander, badly teethed Brit chicks-have RESURFACED once again in a Blessed Yellow Tent Event.
But instead of the pitiful patchy road of Wonder to Glastonbury, these 3 men now will set up shop along Empire Way in a massive YELLOW TENT EVENT to go along with their schlubbing Euro donations for their massive erections they hope to unveil in honor of their love for the band-Coldplay!
Yes: The C:O:C: girls will be skimpily dressed in the chill London night-in their briefest of yellow bikinis-testing their true artistic integrity and grit! The most amply-endowed of the women will be scampering roadside to hustle donations for the erections of their friends. Also new on the scene: NEW C: O: C: girl calenders-not for the faint of heart! The lovely ladies will be having an autograph session in the bushes along Empire Road-and other goodies will also be for sale from the more “energetic” dancers. Husbands-please leave your wives at home, if you wish to partake of the “artistry” of the dancers (for an additional fee.)
The Great Ones of Glastonbury-the Holy Pilgrims-will also be modeling and selling their new T-Shirt Collection: “FATHER DROBBINGDON-COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!” As this is now a forgone conclusion-as Father has reappeared above ground-these T-Shirts are now half off. The whitey tighty underwear collection: “JUST SAY NO TO VD” is also reduced.
The very popular coldplaying.com dartboard featuring the Scumlords of Hell will be available for charity darts donations and a charitable toilet bowl seat manufacturer from Manchester has donated “Sit on this-coldplaying.com” Toilet Seats for silent auction. Remember fans-the rolls of “coldplaying.com is full-of-shit” toilet paper went faster than fast at the last YELLOW TENT EVENT! Don’t let the chance to shit upon coldplaying.com pass you by again!
So it is..that life goes on. Soon Coldplay will be on hiatus..composing their next opus-”The Concept Album” that Chris Martin thinks will suck? No more Coldplay concerts to look forward too-life will become dismal once again. No more Tent Events and C:O:C: girl bush adventures to speak of..BUT THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN IS HERE TO HELP THE BOYS.
Whilst they whilst away creating in the nunnery/bakery, we have gotten together songs, lyrics, and melodies to offer Coldplay so they make haste with their “Concept Album” and go back on tour and hit the road again. Father Drobbingdon has penned a catchy tune entitled “Beans in My Bunker.” BrotherRob has written: “Am I Seeing Cobain or is just Bad Pot?” The C:O:C: nympho’s created ” I Just Can’t Get Enuf of that Stuff!” And lastly, the True Widow has authorized usage of her poem: “Courtney Cracks Up Once Again” for Coldplay to set to music! Hallelujah!
Please one and all-as you make the Wembley trek..and this will be one of the last for Coldplay in a long time..pull off the road and show some love to this motley group of attention-seekers…opps, I mean creative artists of merit who seek to instill their ERECT LOVE for Coldplay into the hearts-and-minds of all. Pray to all the Saints and Great Ones who have gone before us to make this YELLOW TENT EVENT a Success. Perhaps Arch Pope Father will deign to make a festive appearance as well, that is-if Mother Drobbingdon will release him from his chore “to-do” lists long enough that he may resurrect himself once again? May this Great Church of Love Prosper Forever More and coldplaying.com sink into the pits of despair and burn in Hell with all the other Devils, Satanists like the infidel Killers band, and other various anti-Chris’s and Cobain bashers! Amen.
MOR C: O: C: means JUST THAT! on 14 Sep 2009 at 5:44 pm #
MOR C: O: C: BIG PRESS RELEASE:
Manchester Man-Lovers United is proud to announce:
MOR C: O: C: @ WEMBLEY STADIUM YELLOW TENT EVENT!
The gay guys are sooo sick of those C:O:C: skanks getting ALL the attention. They manage to stop a passing tour bus with the drop of a bikini top!
We have to work a lot HARDER to get squealing brakes to happen, but when they do-WHAT DO WE GET?
A bunch of shriveled-up French hags who have NO IDEA what a penis is and don’t remember what it’s for!
Sacre Couer! We MOR C:O:C’s intend to get some attention at Wembley and NOT LET those shameless hussies & hookers co-opt our COLDPLAY moment in the sun!
Know this: We boys have a creative dance moment choreographed that will really raise the blood pressure of polite society! We also have YELLOW bikinis (aka speedos) and intend to fill them out and take them off for the LOVE OF COLDPLAY!
Yes-they are for sale afterwards-but we can’t promise them to be sanitary. For an extra donation, we will iron on a patch of Chris Martin in a very desirable location on the speedo, so that someone drunk or blind or maybe just retarded will perhaps “think” he or she is getting “lucky” with the Belov ed Singer of this Holy Band!
We also have a dartboard set up at our (rainbow) YELLOW tent. This festivity is only for those 21 and older and you must sign a liablity waiver to participate. Our more lively MOR C:O:C: men who enjoy black leather attire have graciously volunteered to bend over in their chaps whilst patrons send the SCUM-SUCKING darts of coldplaying.com HELL into their rear areas for entry into another kind of HELL! Still-there is a POINT to be made and that is coldplaying.com deserves just an anus and nothing more than that. You see, the MOR C:O:C: men are making a POLITICAL STATEMENT here!
A few of the braver BI men have volunteered to create, dance and pretend to find entrancing those C:O:C: sluts who run to the bushes at any opportune time to have a hetero-go at it with any passing tour bus of rockers. It is NO WONDER every panting BIG ROCK STAR worth his weight in groupies would wish to co-mingle with these nympho’s of Church Glory! There was a line of them…drooling and searching for condoms at the Manchester Tent Event. The Church should really start CHARGING EURO’S to make some money off all this FREE SEX! Just because HE or SHE is a clamoring BIG ROCK STAR doesn’t mean they SHOULDN’T PAY for “Church Outreach!”
Anyways-YES we MOR C:O:C:’s need to keep a stiff upper and lower lip & dance the interpretive DANCE entitled: “FIX YOU GLASS OF WATER-LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR.” We must act like we find the COC chicks as sexual temptresses & that should be enough to merit an Academy Award for these poor boys! Nevertheless-hear my words: THE MEN HAVE SPOKEN!
WE WILL NOT BE CAST ASIDE FOR SOME PUSSY POWER! WE WILL TRIUMPH in CREATIVE MELODRAMATIC PASSIONATE RENDERING to the MELODIC STIRRINGS OF LOVE to the Great Band-Coldplay and MUSICAL SOUL MASTER MARTIN!
Glory to C:O:C:’s & MOR C:O:C:’s in Eternity & ad infinitum etcetera in perpetuity! Greetings and come out to COC with us at Wembley! God Bless Father Drubbingdon-we MEN loved the BUNKER & look forward to “discussing Coldplay lyrics” with the Great Arch Pope at the local limp-wrister pub in Scotland! Amen.
I HATE COLDPLAY! on 23 Oct 2009 at 8:34 am #
I HATE COLDPLAY!
I HATE CHRIS MARTIN!
I HATE COLDPLAY!
I HATE CHRIS MARTIN!