Credit Crunch Chris
The financial crisis that is sweeping the world has affected us all, and of course, Coldplay are no exception.
“None of us really ever got into shares so we’re lucky,” laughed Chris Martin. “We can tell you every Talking Heads b-side but we can’t tell you how pork bellies are doing!” What they did buy into was land. Mount Messiah, their private mountain in Colorado, has seen frequent visits from Drummer Guy Champion and bassist Will Berryman this hunting season, as they attempt to put food on their familes’ tables without breaking the bank. “We’ve been hunting bear and racoon,” laughs handsome Berryman, “And collecting eagle eggs.” But bandmate (and vegetarian) Martin is no good with a gun, it seems. “Last time he was here, he panicked and shot the face off a rare rattlesnake.”
The Financial Downturn has sent EMI’s share value into freefall. This is the reason that Coldplay seem determined to issue a CD every six months from now on, as they are currently EMI’s only profit-making act. Katy Perry’s bill for vintage makeup alone runs into the tens of thousands of dollars. The Credit Crunch is also the reason that Viva la Vida had only 10 tracks and Prospekt’s March was fleshed out with remixes. They’re expecting to sell fewer albums and tickets as people begin to run out of money for non-essentials. And while there were still a few expensive seats left at some of the shows, the cheaper ones were all sold out.
Martin has been performing solo for a lot of the publicity apperances recently, probably to save a few thousand dollars on hotel bills and roadie payments. He might be married to a Hollywood star, but unlike John Travolta, he can’t fly himself to his interviews! On the other hand, his son’s not dead.
Asked whether his house prices had plummeted, Martin said: “Only the same as yours!” Perhaps if we all had his money, we’d be flippant too.
But if we were Chris Martin, we’d be messiahs too! And as our messiah, Chris has a responsibility to lead us all out of recession. Here’s what he’d tell us (probably):
- Don’t worry. Chris never worries about money, but every time he goes to the bank, lo and behold, there’s plenty there!
- Don’t buy shares! Government bonds offer a far less risky long-term return.
- Save where you can. Why not take a chartered flight to the concert? Or maybe, hire an immigrant as your personal chef?
- Why not sew your own stage clothes out of old Adam & the Ants costumes and your dad’s wedding suit?
- Ultimately, Love is all that matters. Plus Charity. And maybe Art.
February 11 2009 02:53 am | news
Cheilon.... on 18 Feb 2009 at 4:34 am #
how
Cheilon.... on 18 Feb 2009 at 4:36 am #
so ur the messiah, so is it CHRISMAS now on your 2 day birthday.
Mohamed Benladen on 21 Feb 2009 at 9:37 am #
Do you sell Coldplay concert tickets on this site? Will they be playing Kabul any time soon?
The Real Chris Martin on 04 Apr 2009 at 6:16 am #
Credit Crunch Chris / Captain Crunch This, is all I have to say about saving the rich from caviar dreams and bankers schemes. I mean all of this madness on Wall Street, time to reset the greed button I must say. Buddy can you spare a derivative…
And now the mighty G20 leaders, like comic book heroes from antiquity, have come to save us from ourselves.. with more cash of course, what else?
I had a dream once where Robert Oppenheimer appeared as a reflective image in a mirror device and said to me in a somewhat muffled but loud voice…
I AM ALPHA AND OMEGA
CREATOR AND DESTROYER OF CORN CHIPS AND MORE
What can one reasonably add to that without the overburden of nonsensical trivia? Not much I guess but then am I only an Alien Musical Genious (acronym GAMBO / gay alien musician boy/girl-man) from another time zone, trapped on earth and destined to witness…
The four horsemen of the Apocalypse ride into town and level cicvilization. As a child I used to have prophetic visions of the future and was renowned through-out the child-prophet circuit / world as “Little Chrissy Martin”, the boy-band-psychic WUNDERKIND.
But that life has yet to manifest on Planet Elvis. Should I start wearing earplugs when I play live? What?
So this meltdown thing has got you down and you are not sure what to do or where to turn to or who you can trust anymore since you lost your job, your truck died, the dog got run over, and you ran out of beer and money? And you found a dead person living in your shoes?
Well, my traditional family answer to this age old dilemma of mankind was happily passed on to me long ago by my great aunt Lucy Ricardo, and is as follows…
Go out and buy a semi-automatic weapon with enough ammo to take out a small country (don’t forget to get it LEGALLY REGISTERED TOO / you may have to go to a country called America to do that).
Next go out and get blind pissed on bad alcohol.
And finally go to your nearest BANK AND START SPRAYING EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING WITH LEAD.
When everyone in the bank is dead or otherwise uninsurable / medically unrepairable, you might want to think about moving on to a more heavily populated area (so as to make good use of all the ammo you brought). Make sure to help those not yet completely dead with another lead deposit in your account.
See, going to Jihad school in the Swat Valley for sinners vacation in ‘97 wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
Speaking of which, the esteemed leader of that most advanced race of spiritual psychopaths (the Taliban-your-head’s-banned-man) was quoted on the CBC as saying “we wish for all people in Pakistan to ENJOY Islam and Sharia / Psychopath law.” Me too Elvis.
“AND WE HOPE FOR THE WORLD TOO ALSO.” With comedians like that, who needs Jack Benny? oy vay? I can’t wait, can you? 7am jog. 7.2 breakfast 8.0 beheading / public square / ATTENDANCE COMPULSORY / cleanup voluntary / byor / bring your own rags.
I also saw a documentary on cbc newsworld, made by an Afghan / Canadian woman about life under the Happy People. This one Taliban leader says, “we use what ever comes our way to achieve the will of God, four, five, six year olds, it does not matter.” They all make good human bombs. “Allah waits for you in Las Vegas Zarkowi, now go and kill the nice dead infidel people.
IT DOES NOT MATTER? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TURN THE SWAT VALLEY INTO A POND OF COOLING GLASS… BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE..
And we have Jonny Taliban parading through Karachi with MY FUCKING HEAD ON A STICK AND NO BODY ANYWHERE IN SIGHT THANK YOU.
So I am just thrilled about playing Vancouver soon also. I want to try and get TASERED and DIE at the airport so I can go to Taliban Heaven, have tea with Jimi Hendrix, lunch with King Tut, and then later, reincarnate back on earth, but way far in the future when we are all dead.
Because… the Taliban ended up taking control of Pakistan, they got the Nukes… and the rest is “Sharia Law” as they say down at Blood Square… they killed us all. Apparently Allah prefers only blonds and psychopaths.
Where all the bodiless heads sit on the end of wooden spikes like fat motionless unhappy frogs, with hair blowing in the wind, asking why, why, why why did I have to loose my head over that one big fly?
What was that blur called my life all about anyway?
I must go now as the Grand Mufti of KayTel, the Emperor of Forever, the Queen of Disaster and Myself have golf at one. It’s us versus “The TIGER”.
As always, I pray four times daily in the direction of CityBank that you will all buy my/our/my cd many times over, before all currency becomes worthless.
And may the light of Truth and Beauty illuminate your pathway through the vomitorium of humanity’s most noble achievement, that being Hell on Earth.
As Always / with the Deepest Love and Adoration / for You the Public / The Very Real / The Real Chris Martin / I Guess / I Hope / the End is Now
The Real Chris Martin
The Real Chris Martin on 07 Apr 2009 at 2:16 am #
Dear World,
I sometimes wonder why I am incarnate in such a messed up world? Even the dead people in my head are clamoring for a “way out”. That’s why we are always touring now, I am constantly on edge that we are about o meet the God of All Doom, and I’ve been elected to pitch the case for SAVING HUMANITY…
BUT I FAIL.. AND YOU ALL DIE IN ECONOMIC / SOCIAL / ENVIRONMENTL DISASTER, which even I Chris Martin, the universal constant for Harmony could not have forestalled nor stopped, because in the end, humanity was not worth saving. (you can listen to Orwell’s phone message from beyond if you want a second concurring / unbiased second opinion)
And I am having a good day today thank you very much. I’m glad no one comes to this site (Church attendance at all time low / read article) because I can here really say how I really feel about everything. Really.
Like, Militant Islam (remember to always capitalize Deities names, or names ascribed to them, like “The Taliban”) is not at war with the west, Militant Islam is at war with… Even More Militant Islam. Right?
I read an article (yea, I do know how to read, contrary to what the press say) by a guy named Saeed Shah (no relation to THE SHAHSHAH GIRLS)about the Taliban and where they all hang out and chill, in NORTH EASTERN CCCRAAZISTANNN.
Which they say is quite close to Pakistan, where a MORE CICVILZED TRIBE OF DEATH ZOMBIES continue to breed like rabbits. That’s not to say all people from Crazystan will attempt to decapitate you upon a random chance encounter at a group social setting.
But then on the other hand, many handicrafts from this region, such as the wonderfully crafted and lifelike figurines of Jesus Christ, have been know to blow up and kill many people around the world, but predominantly in the west.
What’s the difference between a car-seat and a car-bomb? In one case, a child is strapped into the car seat for added safety and protection from harm,
and in the other…
A CHILD IS USED TO CARRY OUT THE ORDERS OF PSYCHOPATHS MASQUARADING AS GOOD SAMARATINS / HOLY MEN WHO TAKE IN HOMELSSS CHILDREN AND IN THE END TRAIN THEM TO BE HUMAN BOMBS.
Now I ask you again, why in Gods name have I been incarnate on this hell hole called Earth, run by idiots, overseen by fools, rubber-stamped by the insensitive and owned by the inhuman…
AND IT’S ALL FOR SALE, AT ANY PRICE
JUST KEEP THROWING, YOUR HOLY DICE
AND PRAY TO YOUR GOD, THAT HE WONT FORGET YOU
WHEN HE RAINS HELL ON THIS WORLD
Sometimes, when I am just zapped on peyote and Geronimo has just finished lecturing me on evil four the nth time, I wonder.. will man survive?
Will I make yet another cd of amazing tunes for all to enjoy? At least those with “EARS TO HEAR”. Speaking of ears to hear…
I hear from the financial experts that Inna bout 3 months from now the economy will have recovered so we don’t have to worry about anything anymore except..
I see in the US in the past 21 days, 54 people have now been BLOWN INTO THE NEXT DIMENSION WITH EXTREME PREDJUDICE, in seven different acts of murderous FRUSTRATION, by a life and a system which only killed them and many others in the end.
Loss of employment was a common factor in all these killings. Apparently all the people who were shot had just lost their jobs and in fact had previously arranged to have the killer come and kill them… as they were too angry / depressed / panicky to do it themselves.
At least that is what the “OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT COMMENT” is. I believe it?
This world economic system and the banking structure, at least in the middle ages they had laws against usury.
I gotta go now and I am so looking forward to playing Vancouver where I hope to get TASERED and die at the airport.
So may the Chris be with you as you stare into the eyes of your enemy and wonder: why do we war… when in the field of the infinite we are one? Or if that’s too scary to wonder, maybe you might wonder: why buy orange cheddar, when you can buy white chedder?
As Always / With All MY Love For You / My Fans / All Three of You / I Am / The Real Chris Martin / I Guess
The Real Chris Martin on 16 Apr 2009 at 1:38 am #
It’s official now, a report from the INSTITUTE OF DEPRAPED ECONOMIC FORCASTINATORS, has determined, by scientific method, that Poor People (you) are responsible not only for this huge and unsolvable economic “Frightmare on Earth Street”, but are also largely responsible for systematically and willfully destroying the natural world where all the squirrels and raccoons used to live.
Accordingly, a committee has been struck by the Foundation for the Rehabilitation and Resurrection of Vision Impaired Leaders, who will study hard and long the question: what shall we do with all the poor? How can we solve this problem once and for all?
How can we create a world where there are only a handful of rich people, and no one else alive at all? Yes, as a matter of fact, I do dream in TerminatorColour.
Or how about that young couple who were EXECUCUTED by the HAPPIBAN PEOPLE OF AFGHANICANOTSTANDITSTAN.
They were summarily relieved of their right to live by an “attitude correction rescue team” the Happyban peoples leaders employ (the Moo
laa people, a separate but more inbred / depraved sect of the Happyban people proper)to help people just like the young coupled they “rescued”… to see their bad ways and, change for the better?
A noble cause if there ever was one.
The young couple were found guilty of attempting to elope, going against an arranged marriage.
For this, the GRAND MOOLAA himself, Supreme Sycophant / Psychopath and ALL Variants in between, determined in his GodLike Vision, to have these people removed to the next dimension, by a
bullet or fifty to the head, right now as the ink drys.
So I ask my teddy bear every night now before I tuck in with me and my loneliness, where will it all end, where is this madness going to end?
Buddy, can you spare me some CREDIT, my mother for some credit, I am a junkie for your bad credit, I live for bad credit.
My new group is actually going to be called “BAD CREDIT”. I know a lot of people are going to say we stole that from “BAD COMPANY”, but I can assure you… even in English, credit and company do not necessarily mean the same thing all the time.
Well I gotta go now, some fool is on the line and he wants to know what I think of that Chris Martin Curch Website where wacko doomers hang out and smoke cyber pot.
And may the Chris be with you as we lurch forward into another day of Freemarket Freakdom on Planet Trashcan.
As Always / All My Love / For You My Three True Devoted Ones / Be Happy / Spend Credit
Gooper Gwyneth on 16 Apr 2009 at 7:28 pm #
Chris: this is the only way I can communicate with you sometimes because you are so busy being a ROCK STAR all the time! I told you to pick up your dirty (but holy) underwear off the floor! No I don’t care that we haven’t had sex in over 5 months! I can’t ruin my newly botoxed face and lipo-ed stomach with some horse (yes-it’s like a horse) Play! I would like a 3rd (angelic) child, but it may have to be divine intervention.
I refuse to cook dinner-even the organic mac+cheese the kids adore! I cannot mess up my new mani+pedi plus it is beneath me-the movie star. Now I know I traipsed over to Spain and went dragging around there with that famous cook-Mario what’s-his-name, and even co-wrote a fancy coffee-table book with him.
But that was just so I can publicize my GOOP website. I would never stoop to boil some water or bacon-wrap that filet mignon. That’s what illegal immigrant maids and nannies are for!
God Chris-why do all those nitwits and idiots devote that website to you? I know you fart and pick your nose like any other husband and it still grosses me out-whether you are a God or prophet or whatever!
Excuse me-I need to go write my latest GOOP Blog & twitter on what a great mother & wife I am!