FATHER DROBBINGDON’S END-OF-YEAR ADDRESS TO THE CHURCH
Brethren & Sistren, it is I, your Sanctified Father & Archpope of the Church of Chris Martin.
This year has seen many glorious opportunities to move forward our Blessed agenda of Praising & Promoting the Holy Name of Our Soul Master. The internet popularity of our website has surged and we continue to amass a turgid following of believers. The Holy War with out accursed nemesis, coldplaying.com, shows signs of drawing to a conclusion with a peace treaty of sorts, so that we may co-operate at Glastonbury 2010. Many Church nay-sayers would have this intense rivalry continue, but I shall banish this trouble-making faction from the Church, if need be.
Despite Chris Martin’s apparent Las Vegas indiscretions, no small number of C:O:C: women (and chicks.dig.coldplay) are hoping for a bifurcation of Prophet Martin’s marriage to Mother Gwyneth, so these female Church-goers may attain a “horizontal confession” with Chris Martin. These are private matters, so I shall make no comment; I myself, am in a state of marital turmoil with my own supposed “better half.” Let me reassure the Church congregation and Elders that I have used no monies collected from believers towards the unremitting legal expenses incurred due to my own nasty break-up.
Furthermore, the strong usage of antibiotics and probiotics has cured me of the various maladies I picked up from “worshipping” and “studying Coldplay lyrics” with many desirable C:O:C: “artistes.” These women have become the face (and other body parts) of our Church, and they are a dynamic force that has raised our profile - especially with the Tour Buses that ply the muddy roads leading to massive arena shows and the drooling, panting ROCK STARS that grace them. We have these BIG ROCK STARS begging to be mentioned in our posts and offering the Church MONIES to be made Apostles and Saints in our rectory of rectum-hood. Fortunately, my “Father Drobbingdon Indulgence Program” can absolve many of these ROCK STARS from their sins, and if the “Indulgence” is large enough, they can be elevated into High Eldership at the Church and sit alongside BrotheRob, the True Widow, Holy Pilgrims 3, and various assorted C:O:C: women on the Stage of Sanctification during Chris Martin services.
Let me also THANK this Great Church for the HONOR of winning the “Father Drobbingdon Award” for 2009! As I have been the ONLY recipient of this award since its inception, I appreciate the solemn devotion and cherish the Church extending it’s LOVE to me, their most HOLY PASTOR! My humbleness shall also be noted here.
Please, Brethren & Sistren and HONORABLE friends, continue to honor and greet one another with a kiss, and know that The WORLD will soon marvel at our wisdom and knowledge in elevating Chris Martin into HOLY PROPHET-HOOD-DOM. The new “striped-down” Coldplay acoustic music will most certainly bring about the GREAT and HOLY THINGS that our Church has predicted.
Go in the Spirit of Chris and Bless the World with the Knowledge of “Yellow” that shall be forever more. VIVA!
December 23 2009 04:11 pm | news
Saint Madonna of Cougardom on 24 Dec 2009 at 7:20 pm #
Blessings + Holiday Greetings to one + all:
It is I-the great (female) one who thanks the congregation for the Saintly Honor.
Many feel I am just an aging cougar toying with young men for hot sex and good times. While this may be true, as my name implies-I am the Mother of Love and Devotion. I can see God in the music of Coldplay.
While Kabbalah may be my “thing,” I can worship with you too. “Like A Virgin,” I am a “Material Girl,” but in an “Act of Contrition,” and a “Ray of Light” I hereby proclaim Coldplay to be my “Lucky (Yellow) Star.” Glory to All in Heaven. Amen.
Mother Drobbingdon Christmas Message to Flock: on 26 Dec 2009 at 2:23 am #
Blessed Friends & Church Flock:
It is I, your Mother Drobbingdon-Precious Jewel in the ecumenical crown of the Church of Chris Martin and now-estranged wife of the Arch Pope-Father Drobbingdon.
I come to you today-having read and digested the above submission and address only to ask that you consider my words today.
When this Great Sanctuary of Love began, Father Drobbingdon was a devout man of the cloth; an intellectual and much esteemed member of the University community. Today-after his bunker adventure-he is a shell of the man that he was-little more than a Viagra joke with a yen for C:O:C: strumpets. Overtaken by middle-aged vanity and a desire to relive his youth-he seeks to shuck his wife and live a live of immoral adventures. It is for this reason I maintain that an incipient Church schism is right and just so that The Church can continue on it’s proper spiritual path.
Father is willingly twisting Church doctrine and ceding a truce with the Great Satan-coldplaying.com, in spite of the majority of the Church still holding contemptible feelings for those knob-headed hooligans. Just so we all get along at Glastonbury 2010 and his seeking to impress Saint Bono is not enough reason to forge an alliance with coldplaying.com. It is for this reason that I hereby submit an Ecclesiastical decree of succession and a Joint Declaration of False Doctrine of Justification against Father Drobbingdon.
It is my wish to replace this doctrinal over-reaching and liturgical deviance with a positive understanding of the Church’s innate desire to continue along the path of genuine connection and a cleaving to the truth of the Church’s original intentions. You may wonder-is this incipient schism a type of civil war and perhaps the answer is yes.
Am I a heretic because of my declaration of authority? I think not. Mother Drobbingdon has suffered the wrath of Father-being called variously a shrew, harridan, harpie, and middle-aged devil.
Mother has weathered the turn of events that caused Father to need heavy doses of antibiotics to curtail “bugs” he picked up whilst “studying Coldplay lyrics” with certain C:O:C: women. Becoming the brunt of jokes and titters at the local garden club regarding my marital position has emboldened me to seek to right the path this Church has dysfunctionally lurched onto.
Furthermore, I do not indiscriminately subordinate myself to Father Drobbingdon, as his sub rosa empirical wisdom I call into question with iniquity.
I seek a Church of Chris Martin Reformation-quite apart from Father Drobbingdon. Only then can the essential equivalance between Church thought framework become known and certain other schismatic processes begin anew. My doctrine thus advanced embraces a new informal organization, unique clique formations, a complete denial of factionalism and an inherent secession. The new group shall reject heresy, class conflicts, political unorthodoxy and articulated blasphemy. The C:O:C: nymphets will not be welcome and any other over-sexualized types will be shown the proverbial door. These women are base and dishonorable and there is nothing in Canon Law that states they are welcome. Anything stated to the contrary is a palpable fallacy.
Thus on this most holiest of Christian days, I hereby extend a cordial invitation to fellow Church brethren and sistren to throw off the yoke of Father’s misguided attempts at a fiat authority and come seek sustenance with Mother. My bosom may not be DD and saline-enhanced but it contains the milk of truth for the cultivation of an understanding of consensus regarding the future of this Great Church.
I am thus humbly, your Mother and Saint. Viva! Amen.
BrotheRob on 30 Dec 2009 at 2:42 am #
I’m still doing some good in this world and that is all that matters in the end. Because when you get to the Pearly Gates and Brother Elvis calls your number to be taken for a chat with your maker… you won’t be asked for a list of what you bought whilst shopping here on lovely planet earth.
No my children, you will be asked why are your hands so clean and was there no cause worth fighting for?
Which some souls must reply to with: yes there was a cause master, and the last I remember I was driving a car through Baghdad and then everything went blinkity blnkity blank.
If I valued myself on how much money I am worth, then I would only be worth about 1 million and I’d feel pretty inadequate, but if I can do some good in this world then win me the lottery and I am still happy, but with lots of cash.
And so this is why I dedicate myself to proclaiming the Divinity if The Illuminated One so that He may continue His Mission of Good Works in this world, music and all the rest.
I shall read and re-read Mother Drobbingdons message to the flock but am sure I will still not understand much more than I already don’t. Is there a religious tome de-scrambler anywhere on the net? Maybe in Japanese?
May the Chris be with you as we sail into yet another decade wondering is that light we see the way out or an on coming train?
p.s. I may nt make much snense (thank god) but at least I can’t spell.
Mother the Revoltionary on 30 Dec 2009 at 5:59 am #
Dearest BrotheRob:
DO NOT play the “I don’t understand card” with me, young man!
You know enough to know that it is time to throw down with the proper cause and take up arms against coldplaying.com. No more of this “Can’t we all just get along?”
Do you want to end up like your precious Father Drobbingdon? Popping Viagra and hoping to get it up one more time for the latest C:O:C: hoochie with a bad boob job?
BrotheRob: someday you will be a BIG DROOLING ROCK STAR just like all the horny dogs on the tour buses that stop at the Yellow Tents for some “Coldplay lyrical guidance.” I don’t want to have to turn you away from the Yellow Tent when I am running the show there! I know that the Church is your home, so I am appealing to your Freudian guilt angst….
Please: come to Mother! We will start anew- together. Drobbingdon is probably in a drunken chlamydia stupor somewhere listening to his Mark King CD’s and crying for the days he was at least a MAN and not a bad joke! I am seeking converts to the CAUSE and I appeal to all Church brethren & sistren to go to your Saintly shrines and call forth courage,enlightenment and understanding. Please do not let your Mother down! Remember who took care of you when you were sick? Who changed your dirty diapers and breast fed you until you were 5 years old? Yes-Mother!
Who was it that got you out of jail in the middle of the night? Wasn’t it MOTHER that wrote your term papers and got you into a good school? Yes-it is I-Mother! I want some good souls to come forward and take up swords with me! We shall fight the good fight while Drobbingdon dribbles his prostrate and stickies up his un-family friendly version of the latest C:O:C: Girls calender! Who is with me?
Go in the Grace of Chris & May the Force Be with you! Viva! Your Saintly Mother~
Mystery Man on 09 Feb 2010 at 7:57 am #
DIE JEW!