FRIEND or FOE?
Throughout the gestation of what people are calling the “College Rock Religion”, there have been many dear friends that we hold near and gently caress as one. These “friends” are not ones to turn on the brethren and sistren; rather, they inspire delight and awe as righteous souls of merit, and they certainly are not OVERLY LITIGIOUS as some 3rd rate musicians who claim Coldplay “steals” from them.
Rest assured, The Great Arch Pope Father Drobbingdon, BrotherRob, the True Widow, and the inordinately bawdy Holy Pilgrims 3 of Glastonbury fame, all seeks to engender friendships beyond reproach and cultivate good relations among all nations and fans of Coldplay music.
However, all is NOT merry and frolicsome when the SUBJECT of CHURCH ENEMIES is broached. And Yes, well-meaning and heroic as the Church of Chris Martin is, believe it or not, there are some loathsome creatures out there WHO DO NOT LIKE US! True, they amount to assorted nitwit defilers, blasphemers, heretics, nay-sayers and such who most likely are two eggs shy of a dozen. Never-the-less, all we can do as a Holy Church is expose these hypocrites, liars, Satanists and outright fools for the DEVILISH BESMIRCHERS that they are!
We also honor and proclaim Holy Love for our beloved Friends. I offer the following for overall Church enlightenment:
FRIENDS:
Holy Saint Bono out of U2 - formerly a “mouth that roared” insults at our beloved Soul Master, now humbled and taken back into the Church fold - but a wary eye still watches him.
Sir Eddie Vedder out of Pearl Jam - a fairly mellow fellow who took the Great Grunge God Cobain’s insults to heart about “selling out” and now still fronts a well-respected rock band. Cares about the poor etc etc.
Youth Pastor Thomas of Yorke out out Radiohead - a tempermental fellow no doubt but a talented songwriter and singer who enjoys working with musical youth groups. Was probably bullied himself, by the look of him.
Barrister Brandon Boyd out of Incubus - Not only good-looking and catnip for men and women alike, but a truly good soul who deserves recognition. He also was instrumental in charming lady judges to release assorted jailbird C:O:C: girls from prison.
Saint Mark King out of Level 42 - a first-rate melodist, and Chris Martin’s fave musician. Father Drobbingdon also particularly admires this Saint, so shut up if you don’t agree.
Bishop-Elect Paul of McCartney out of formerly the Beatles - A fixture of tour bus stopping and “meets & Greets,” this friendly former Beatles is generous with tips to C:O:C artistes & an all-around nice guy.
Saint Madonna out of Dick Tracy- Yes, I know this one is controversial, but for political correctness, I had to include a women. She has also been instrumental in aiding the MOR C:O:C: gayblades group and even hired a few of the dandies to dance on her “Sticky & Sweet” tour.
All the above listed are FRIENDS of the Church and as such, will be welcomed at any time with open arms and other open amenities gifted by the “artistes” known as the C:O:C:’s.
ENEMIES OF THE CHURCH:
Oh Yes, we have them and have berated them ceaselessly among the posts and submissions that dot the Church website. I shall begin with the GREATEST DEVIL AMONG THEM…
…coldplaying.com - heathens and swine that Twitter unmercifully, the Holy War against them is for eternity and as The Church of Chris Martin is goodness personified, the scum-sucking DARK LORDS of coldplaying.com represent everything prenaturally mortifying and deceptive. They will perish in a internet battle that will find our GREAT CHURCH morally and spiritually triumphant!
Twitter - that 140 stroke IM-er that coldplaying.com uses to mesmerize music fans of the band. Twitter is nothing more than a TOOL coldplaying.com uses to bewitch and befoul. The Church shall also take down Twitter in the final Internet battle of good vs. evil!
Cretin Courtney (the She-devil) Love - the True Widow insists that this Vicious Vagina be placed on the Enemies List because of the utter mendacity of the woman and her unremitting weakness of character and spirit. We shall honor the True Widow’s wishes here.
The Killers out of Las Vegas - Sin City fork-tonguers who maligned the Grunge scene out of Seattle as “taking the fun out of music.” Thus implying our Holy Assistant-to-be Cobain was instrumental in bumming music out back in the 90’s. This band of Mormon criminals will rot in Hell for their dastardly deeds against the Great Grunge God.
Billie Jerk Armstrong out of Green Day - had his mouth working overtime when he stated that going to a Coldplay concert was akin to attending “a tea party.” This statement traumatized many parents who took their kids to the Green Day concert, and for that he shall rot in Hell with the Killers.
Continuing favorite ENEMY BROTHERS, the dysfunctional imbeciles otherwise known as Oasis and the Gallagher siblings - Now broken up - and mercifully so - the putrid invective that hurls from their diseased lips is now relegated to the nostalgia circuit, but still the enmity flows strong that they so insulted Marvelous Martin by comparing him to looking like a “geography teacher” and that he was a “potted plant.” Good-bye & good riddance to you!
Joe Satriani - this DEVIL actually managed to squeeze some money out of the band and for that he is banned in infinity for Church sanctification and may even be sent straight to Hell for the bad publicity he garnered against the band. Now touring with the Chickenfoot band - it is Joe Satriani who is the true EVIL chickenfoot!
Twat Stevens - jumped into the plagiarism fray when he decided to follow Joe Satriani’s misguided legal example and put his hand out for some filthy lucre! Forever this Muslim infidel and traitor to England will burn in inglorious infamy for his desecration of Coldplay honor and musical omnipotence.
I believe that this list of fools, idiots, befoulers, token nitwits and DEVILS shall perish in a purge of righteous Church indignation and forever be sent to the Great “Lake of Fire” where an eternity of searing fiery HELL and BRIMSTONE awaits them.
Hallelujah to this Great Church! Glory to it in Eternity! May the blessings of Coldplay and Chris Martin always be upon you. I greet and fellowship with all brethren and sistren in a spirit of HOLY LOVE Forever more. Amen.
November 19 2009 02:29 pm | Church History and news
Chicks.Dig.Coldplay on 20 Nov 2009 at 12:53 am #
Hello Church brethren & friends of Chris:
This post has proven to be somewhat divisive & controversial! Fear Not! This is NOT the last word on who’s a Church Friend and/or Enemy. The Friends of Chris surely is not complete as many BIG DROOLING ROCK STARS still remain to be listed. The Friends-so far- are not in any kind of order-they were just randomly written as their apparition appeared before Sister Chicks.Dig.Coldplay. Many dear and beloved Church cohorts-such as Greek Vicar Alexx Kapranos..out of Franz Ferdinand; Rabbi Rivers Cuomo..out of Weezer;
Suicide Prevention Specialist Spirit of Layne Staley..out of Alice-in-Chains and Sub-Prefecture Chris of Cornell await glorification among the Blessed Brethren. Transgender Counselor Lady Gaga is our (politically correct) designatee for women.
On-the-other-hand-it is a sad fact of life-among the Fruits of Church Love, there are usually some bad apples in the bunch. Thankfully, most have already been listed above, but The Church remains alert and on guard-lest any mouth roar again against The Great One or his band. Our ears are fine-tuned for the slightest whimper of disapproval! I considered listing Hollywood flat-as-pancake Actress Kate Bosworth as a Church enemy for her Las Vegas enticement of Chris Martin, but I will hold off for now until Father Drobbingdon makes his holy conclusion about this sordid matter.
I must tread carefully around Father regarding this scandal as He, himself, has been known to devote time to “Studying Coldplay Lyrics” with many a bosom-blessed Church protege. It seems like this Kate thing will blow over-but this Sanctified Solace of Coldplay love will remain steadfast in it’s keeping the good name of Chris Martin as our Holy Grail.
So-to all the blasphemers and basement wankers out there-This Church Never Sleeps! Dare to defile & watch as your name and band IS DRAGGED THRU THE MUD!
Consider this a warning! Watch your mouth or end up in Rock’n'Roll Hell along with the Mormon marauders-The Killers-or Cretin Courtney of Hole-a woman so vile that even Mickey Rourke wouldn’t touch her with a 10 ft. pole!
Bless this great sanctuary and keep all things Chris Holy and worthy! Viva! Amen!
Mediator of Manchester on 27 Nov 2009 at 4:02 am #
Church: with the holidays fast approaching, I ask all members to consider praying on an anti-blasphemy treaty with our great nemesis: coldplaying.com. I have yet to seek the blessings of Father Drobbingdon; I only ask all brethren & sistren to consider a rapprochement of sorts.
The heretics and pagans from coldplaying.com have recently been very well-behaved. Despite a Twitter provocation, they did not take the bait and left no hateful posts or comments on our Church website.
It seems that perhaps all our google success has brought a type of respect to us that coldplaying.com cannot deny. This may be the time to mount a Church of Chris Martin campaign for an international treaty to protect our religious symbols, beliefs, and customs from mockery and defilement-basically an anti-blasphemy ban.
The True Widow has taken the lead in lobbying to bring this proposal to a vote at the next Holy Elder Conclave. If ratified by a Church majority, we can work to eliminate a showdown with coldplaying.com at Glastonbury 2010-when the Church will have it’s hands full with the Holy Pilgrim unveiling and entertaining Saint Bono at the Yellow Tent!
This proposal may face stiff resistance from several combative factions of the Church, that take great pleasure from the fights and contretemps with the basement wankers of coldplaying.com. The Church-as a whole does not want to ignite a civil war within it’s ranks or re-ignite festering ethnic tensions among its rank-and-file members.
The last time coldplaying.com heretics left incendiary messages lampooning the Church, several angry Church mobs were provoked and Father Drobbingdon drained the Church coffers to bail these “civil libertarians” out of jail.
This True Widow Peace Initiative would be a first step toward drafting a nonbinding resolution and protocol that would eventually go before a full Church Polled-Play vote asking members: Should we bury the hatchet with coldplaying.com for good? As long as the mommy’s basement dwellers agree to a treaty condemning “defamation of religions,” and agree to be bound by all sacred provisions-then a course of agreement may be at hand.
Certain factions may lobby Father Drobbingdon behind-the-scenes to quash this peace initiative, but out of an abiding love and respect for the True Widow and out of deference for our newest Saint Cobain-I believe this Treaty is of Holy Merit. Providing that coldplaying.com agrees: “That there shall be no further attacks on sacredly held Church beliefs and defamation of religions, sacred symbols or personalities, and dogmas. coldplaying.com must not impinge on the sanctity and human rights of Church followers and hold their tongues in abeyance on Twitter lest they insult this Great Coven of Chris Love.”
The True Widow has sought the counsel of Father Drobbingdon in this matter and seeks to call together an Ad Hoc Committee on Complementary Standards of Rectification which will formally propose a treaty to be certified upon the arrival of the New Year. May the Chris Be With You! Amen.
BROTHERROB on 30 Nov 2009 at 5:17 am #
Friend or foe indeed, a most crucial equation affecting all of our lives. We seek yet are the enemy within the house we build in this world.
Meanwhile, lawyers acting on behalf of the fire hydrant which was fatally run over by Mr. Wooods say that before expiring Mr Hydrant instructed them to sue Mr. Woods. Lawyers acting for the tree which was only wounded say they will be suing also. And Lawyers acting for the officer who was traumatized after witnessing Mr Woods wife chasing Mr W with a golf club will also be suing. And finally, lawyers acting on behalf of Mr. Jonny Cochran say they will also be suing Mr. Woods because Mr Woods failed to activate Mr Cochrans contractual right of “first right of representation / refusal”, with Mr Woods even though and not withstanding the fact that Mr Cochran himself is dead.
And that couple who crashed Obama’s party, turns out they were Jihadi’s in disguise and their bombs only failed to detonate because one or the other left the detonator phone in the car (after prayers) and once in not out, so no bomb. Even if Mr Abdullah had gone out to the car, dialed the nimber and sacrificially blown his wife up (and himself also), this actually would have been a blasphemy on Allah, Mohamed and all his descedants (bot not others, thank God), and blasphemy against Allah is an offence in Allahism is not allowed in that religion, so that was not an option for Mr Alala.
But what is really bothering BrotherRob is the latest “crisis issue” facing the same buch of economic necromancers who engineered the latest and biggest larceny in histroy whereby they swapped bad credit for bailout from the public, who built and controlled the same system they then used to engineer the most massive transfer of wealth, and now are (earnestly) worried about the huge interest / debt payments the public will owe for eternity to… the private / pirate sector? the system that makes about as much sense as “talking with the Taliban”. “More tea Mr Taliban Man?”
I hope to make it to Glastonbury this summer as it sounds like one seriously good show to be there for. Until then may good fortune fill your life.
Amen to everything Coldplay ever were, are and will be. They give meaning to the words art and beauty.
May the Chris be with you.