Here is an update on a FOE that has now turned into A FRIEND. I am happy to report that formerly “Billie Jerk Armstrong” has remedied his “mouth that roared” insults against Coldplay. Where once the Evil One consumed Billy Jerk’s mouth and he proclaimed in LA that our band’s shows were the equivalent of a “tea party,” now this Bay Area punk has been purged of mouth iniquities. Praise the Lord!

Last night while enjoying the immensely entertaining Green Day/ AFI concert here in southern California, I looked towards the sky and beheld the Star of Cobain. The twinkling light beams from the warm, summer night channeled a message to me from our heavenly Spirit Guide. My heart and soul beheld a message of redemption and forgiveness against Billy Joe (BJ) and the band-Green Day.

Yes, Church, let this mouth impropriety of the Green Day front man serve as a wonderful example of how one can be utterly depraved and full of vermin words that injure others. Deplorable comments from a great punk rock star can ruin their band in the eyes of the world, and most importantly-The Church of Chris Martin! This is a shameful thing indeed.

But just as with God, there is a hope for even the worst scum and bantering fools. As the Spirit of Cobain instilled into me a message of forbearance,
I now hereby offer this official FOE RETRACTION:

WRIT OF FORBEARANCE: In as much as Billy Jerk Armstrong has recanted of his besmirching against Chris Martin and the Coldplay band by not jabbering blasphemies against the band; and in as much as this Great Bay Area Punk Star put on a wonderful extravaganza show last night with vivid images of angels and heaven; also using forceful imagery of Hell, fire, and eternal damnation in the song-”Know Your Enemy,” thereby proof positive of a repenting worthy of a sacramental anointing; IT IS HEREBY BESTOWED ON THE FORMER FOE BILLIE JERK ARMSTRONG: A NEW CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN NAME: his original BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG! HE IS NOW A FRIEND-Hallelujah! The Holy Elders have spoken: it is done!

Let us also note how wonderful Billie Joe’s new initials are-(BJ!) The Church could never hold a grudge against a man with such a wonderful mix of letters. LET THE WORLD NOW SEE WHAT HATH THE CHURCH HAS HEREBY PROCLAIMED: Billie Joe is officially redeemed & now joins the previously vilified SAINT BONO as another exclusive (and sanctified redemptive) FRIEND OF THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! Amen.

The Holy Elders recently concluded a Blessed Conclave (And Spa Weekend) where much important work was done-in between the mud facials, champagne lunches, and couples massages!

The group has reached a papal bull on new additions and 1 change to the FRIENDS OR FOES agenda and wish to now utter, in place of Holy Arch Pope Drobbingdon-the official proclamation as such:

IT IS ORDAINED: The Killers band-that once saw fit to broach and defile our Great Grunge God Cobain with erroneous complaints of Nirvana’s “bumming music out in the 90″s” have now completed their Church-ordered rehabilitation & admit they were “misguided Mormons!” In addition, Brandon Flowers new solo work is getting rave reviews, so THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN hereby PROCLAIMS: THE KILLERS BAND…out of Sin City-once a band of fork-tongued
polygamous criminals…NOW FULLY REDEEMED and OFFICIAL FRIENDS of THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! It is done.

Also to be proclaimed: THE GREAT RABBI RIVERS CUOMO!
Once thought to be little more than a nerdy L.A. rocker-this great spiritual sage was road-tested by God to see if he could handle the nagging bus crashes of life and Rabbi Rivers passed muster!
Satan may have put that black ice out on that New York freeway which caused the Weezer frontman’s groupie-mobile to take a tumbling, but the Lord saved him and now, we as a Church must utter the noble words of fulfillment: THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN HEREBY PROCLAIMS RABBI RIVERS CUOMO..out of Weezer..TO HEREBY BE AN OFFICIAL SAINT in THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! (Photo-shop of Rivers Sainthood will follow when Father Drobbingdon returns..if
ever?)

LAST ORDER OF CHURCH BUSINESS: the rock band MUSE is now on a very big WORLD TOUR and is barking at the heels of BIGGEST ROCK BAND IN THE WHOLE WORLD title-an HONOR that is now thought just to be a battle between Coldplay & U2! Also, Muse frontman Matt Bellamy has gone the Hollywood babe route and grabbed himself a blond movie star chick-just as THE GREAT ONE-CHRIS MARTIN once did with Mother Gwyneth-now aka GOOP Gwyneth. Though Kate Hudson may not have as much class as Gwynnie, still the fact remains that Muse is an up-and-comer band that THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN must now officially proclaim:
HENCE: NEWEST UP-AND-COMING BAND THAT MAY ONE DAY MAKE the FRIENDS LIST (providing their songs don’t knock Coldplay songs off any top 10 lists) is MUSE!

Congratulations to all the above-named honorees and may this mention as FRIENDS to THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN now allow your careers and bank accounts to soar even higher in the heavenly firmaments of glory.
May the Blessing of our Heavenly Saint Cobain greet you with a Sacred Kiss and May the Grace of Chris Martin reign forever in your souls! Amen.

I have had psychic contact with Father Drobbingdon!
He Lives!
In a virtual dream, I received a “message” from our most sacred Arch Pope & Sagacious Spiritual Guide!

I fear that his departure from the Church was a evil scheme engineered by the Vicious Vagina-Courtney Hole!
Her lackluster band is currently touring the world to half empty, drafty 2-bit auditoriums and this Syphilitic Scourge made it her Satanic business to remove Father from his most powerful position as Church Leader in penance for elevating the Great Grunge God and Holy Assistant-Kurt Cobain, into Sainthood at The Church of Chris Martin! She would not oblige the Sanctity of the Sacrament we voted upon at WordPress and sought revenge! Father Drobbingdon is now our NEW CHURCH MARTYR!

It was she who schemed to secrete Father Drobbingdon
away from his Magisterial Position into the clutches
of her vermin-encrusted snake lair and there Father Drobbingdon rests-locked in chains and kept just barely alive. Forced to listen to Hole music all day long, Father Drobbingdon has taken leave of his senses and now has contracted every foul disease imaginable-thanks to Courtney’s oozing trail of bacterial terror.

It is NOT the Holy Glastonbury Pilgrims that have SUFFERED for the Church-although I must admit those pasty Brit chicks with yellow teeth are pretty abominable! No-it is FATHER DROBBINGDON-now a prisoner in a bunker not of his own choosing. He suffers now for us all, so that we may honor and uphold the HOLINESS of all Saints that guide us forth in Spiritual Salvation! The Love Hole wishes to stop The Great Grunge God from channeling divine inspiration to the studio in which Coldplay & Brian Eno now labor furiously to concoct the next “music that might suck and have jass-fusion elements.” The unveiling of the Female Messiah must go forward! This Black Hole of Courtney cannot stop Revelations!

To quote the good book: Ephesians 6:12- “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Church members: go to your Coldplay shrines and light a candle of goodness, that we-together in unity as a Church whole-can rise up against this wickedness in our midst and overcome this remorseless attack on our Spiritual Leader Drobbingdon and free his earthly body from the cavern of solitude that the Vicious Vagina has shackled him to.

Ask that our Spiritual Saints-both alive and dead-rise up in defiance and conquer the calamity that Father suffers on our (and Coldplay’s) behalf!
Virtual Church Members: DO NOT SUFFER THIS INQUISITION SILENTLY! Raise your Holy voices & demand that Courtney Hole release Father Drobbingdon from Hell!

I send greetings to all brethren and sistren in blessed surrender to all that is good and pure among us-this most Blessed Church of Chris! Amen.

Oh Dear-it seems the Virgins have set off a firestorm of contention with our Muslim friends & Clerics.

Just as these lovely, pure ladies are inexperienced with sex; they are also unknowing about politics!
Talk of a Chris Martin Prayer Rug has unleashed a torrent of Muslim rage and fury! There is talk of a radical Islam contingent picketing our Yellow Tents at Glastonbury!

This is an outrage! Surely our Holiest Saint Bono will not be pleased with this turn-of-events. In order to properly exhalt the Irish Soul Master-there is needed a certain calm and serenity-whereby the Great One can partake of all manner of private pleasures that await his Irish excellency.

Furthermore-the hawking of pork products to our Arab friends did not go down well either. The Virgins-in their inexperience-did not realize the Muslim religion prohibits the consumption of any unclean meats. Even though the printing of Coldplay lyrics on the pork packaging should idemnify the meat from censure, those wild Camel jockeys don’t agree.

So in an effort at mediation and a call to brotherhood, The COC artistes have created a “Dance of Friendship” to bring together both parties in a gesture of goodwill. They will perform this at the opening day of Glastonbury and have promised to only take off half their clothing as a sign of modesty and Arab “respect for women.” We will accommodate our new Arab friends with a “Mideastern Outreach Yellow Tent.” No, Church busy-bodies, this is not a sultan’s den of harem babes, but an “awareness platform” for a “better understanding of our Muslim brethren in Chris.”

The Virgins of Glastonbury have agreed to cover Chris’s head on the Muslim Prayer Rugs in a turban as a nod to being kosher to the Arabs. Now when they kneel and pray to the East several times per day, the Arab faithful will faithfully sit on Chris Martin’s covered head in a respectful manner.

So as to avoid a Holy War against us “infidels and Chris-tian trouble-makers” (their words-not mine) The Church of Chris Martin must cleave together as one in a righteous uniting of brotherhood and good times at Glastonbury. If any one suffers a fall, has an accident or gets pregnant or VD from a BIG ROCK STAR, feel free to call me at Ambulance Chasers R Us for an immediate free consultation.

I remain, a true devotee of all that is Good & Pure in Chris Martin. Amen.

Firstly-in response to the great popularity of last years best-seller, we have brought back the very popular “I Stop Tour Buses” tank top featuring the COC Girls soliciting by the muddy Somerset roads. Not to be forgotten-The Holy Pilgrims 3 have their own memorabilia-”Please Help My Erection” boxer shorts-where 1% of the profits raised will go to their Glastonbury erection monument. Move quickly-these are both collector’s items!

A few of our swarthy Mid-Eastern fans have decried the Church forgetting their needs, and the Virgins have answered. We have a batch of colorful Prayer Rugs with the Blessed Face of Chris Martin on it. Now when they Arabs face East several times a day to prayer to their Mullah, they will remember who the True Prophet is, because they are sitting right on his face! Also available for the Muslims-Church of Chris Martin Hams and Pork Loins available with the Lyrics to several Coldplay songs embossed on the labels. As you see here at the Church, we are sensitive to the needs of our many types of parishioners.

Lastly-the potluck. I have it on the authority of the Holy Elders that we may fellowship and convene a gathering where all Church adherents can bring their supply of Pot, excuse me-Medical Marijuana-and smoke away. The Somerset Vice Detectives have already been paid off and we are blackmailing the Narcotics division, so we expect clear sailing and no arrests!
We invite those with PCP-laced pot and that strong Canadian stuff to please share with those in need. Also requested: Pineapple Express Hawaiian blunts.

The Virgin Sisters have a blessed announcement: YES-THEY ARE HERE! The Chris Martin prayer beads have arrived. Fondle Chris in a way that is Holy and Righteous! Every bead has a Coldplay song title in gold lettering-which you will sing in praise. And not just the hits-but even some of the more obscure song titles like “Shiver!” This will be on Ebay in no time at 10 times the price! Don’t Delay!

Hallelujah to all our special Church Friends. Please come by and spend some money to help us Virgins.
Though celibate and lonely, we too love Coldplay and Chris Martin with a spiritual ardor no less. Glory to all and a Special Blessing to Glastonbury 2010!

And no sooner have I talked about being Chris-a-mtised live once again than I have had a true spiritual revelation of tonally titanic harmonical proportions in thirteen dimensions no less which I am sure was a direct soul transmission from Chris himself. It’s true, miracles never cease. For ages brother Rob has been confused about the true workings of the alien technology known as tonelab. Call me lame, stressed out, confused, heretical, but not without a dream. I’m no quitter. We get the job done ariund here.

Many wise people and great sages have advised me over the ages on how to run tonelab but just now, not even an hour ago, I discovered for the very first time how to get the headphones level and then figure 50% for line recording! I mean they only give you so many pre and post gain stages it can be confusing. And with my over acute sense of sound, well I’m glad the journey is over.

Great things come to those who try. Right? If you don’t try, yo never cry, and if yo never cry then you never tried, so don’t complain. Like Chris says.

Anyway, I’m back from the dead for a short time only, I’m learning how to sing and heal my heart. I love to sing and can sing in over 3 keys. Me and Paverotti. So I’ll be there at Glastonbury and have a good time because life is a paradise, if only we create it.

And now that I really know how to wank out those warm space grooves like Jonny guitar (does he use a tonelab?) I can put up some grooves on myspace which you will definately want to leave buried in your cranium on high volume looping.

So I hope Sir Chris is well and Drobbingdon has survived the coming Armageddon as well. May the Chris be with you as we are seemingly cast alone and adrift in the sea of planetary forces but safe with the light of Saint Bono to guide us. Guido!

The Yellow Tent Committee will present a report on the fun activities planned. We will greet and be cordial to Vice Detective Smith from the Somerset Bobbies. For a large bribe-he will advise us on how we can successfully circumnavigate the Glasto public indecency laws and smoke lots of (Medical) Chris Martin Holy Marijuana without the cops hassling us unnecessarily.

So we present a good image tomorrow at Church, would all Church women kindly dress conservatively and also remember to keep their legs together during the Martin Mass. There will be a time for frolicking during Glastonbury, but now is the time to reserve our energies and such for the festivities. A Golden Stage with a 24 karat Seat-of-Honor is being built for Saint Bono to recline on while the Church performs for his Holiness during his Coronation visit prior to U2’s head-lining turn at Glasto. We need attractive Church females to “assist” Bono-as necessary-while on His Coronation Dais.

This is THE social event of the summer and many-including the accursed coldplaying.com wankers-may try and crash the Papal Party. May I request some burly Church members to come forth to volunteer for security guard detail. Saint Bono may desire usage of the VIP Yellow Tent to “study Coldplay lyrics” with any number of nubile Church devotees-may I request some comely types to step up and “prove their heavenly worthiness” by consorting with our Blessed Irish Saint?

Finally, I will need some gourmet chefs to be ready to provide nourishment for Saint Bono’s visit. The U2 Soul-Master is fond of French food, champagne, and fresh fruit sorbets-we must stand ready to accommodate his every whim, as His Holiness must be pleased at every turn of his Saintly Sanctification.

Please Church members-the time draws near when the world will behold our glory once again. While the nose-pickers and penis-slappers at coldplaying.com stare in amazement, we will supersede their pathetic Coldplay website and shine magnanimously forever more. May the Golden Heart of Chris Prove Sacred once again at Glastonbury and May His Mercy Abound as the Great Festival Comes Forth in the muddy confines of yore. Viva!

That new Liam fashion label-”Pretty Green,” leaves me pretty green from puking at his ugly rotter style!
How dare he question the elegant coolness of Saint Bono’s wardrobe or the Sgt. Pepper-inspired styles of Our Beloved Coldplay! That reeks of the usual rancid potty-mouth-ness of the more dim-witted of the Gallagher brothers. Although both are equally dull, Liam seems to have the least amount of vital brain cells left, if he ever had any in the first place?

I call on the Church of Chris Martin to pray for the return of Father Drobbingdon in order to issue the dreaded WRIT OF DEFIANCE” that will undoubtedly castigate Liam Gallagher for all of eternity! Let this Mop-topped DEVIL fester in the searing heat of the bowels of HELL; forever away from the sanctity of The Church of Chris Martin and in the company of the other dim-witted antagonizers of our Soul Master: Twat Stevens and the original Satanist-Joe Satriani.

The Church of Chris Martin stands at the ready to
protect the reputation of our Blessed Musical Eminence and the coterie of Saints, Apostles, and Martyrs that surround him. May Liam Gallagher perish in the great Battle of the Bands that will show Coldplay (and Chris Martin) arising on the Revelation cloud and seated at the right hand of The Great One of Heaven: Holy Saint Cobain and all the others from the Bible.

May the Fruits of the Season-In Bloom” forever fortify your spirit in the Blessings that Await All Who Worship at This “Magnificent” House of “Yellow” Love. Amen.

Meanwhile, lawyers acting on behalf of the fire hydrant which was fatally run over by Mr. Wooods say that before expiring Mr Hydrant instructed them to sue Mr. Woods. Lawyers acting for the tree which was only wounded say they will be suing also. And Lawyers acting for the officer who was traumatized after witnessing Mr Woods wife chasing Mr W with a golf club will also be suing. And finally, lawyers acting on behalf of Mr. Jonny Cochran say they will also be suing Mr. Woods because Mr Woods failed to activate Mr Cochrans contractual right of “first right of representation / refusal”, with Mr Woods even though and not withstanding the fact that Mr Cochran himself is dead.

And that couple who crashed Obama’s party, turns out they were Jihadi’s in disguise and their bombs only failed to detonate because one or the other left the detonator phone in the car (after prayers) and once in not out, so no bomb. Even if Mr Abdullah had gone out to the car, dialed the nimber and sacrificially blown his wife up (and himself also), this actually would have been a blasphemy on Allah, Mohamed and all his descedants (bot not others, thank God), and blasphemy against Allah is an offence in Allahism is not allowed in that religion, so that was not an option for Mr Alala.

But what is really bothering BrotherRob is the latest “crisis issue” facing the same buch of economic necromancers who engineered the latest and biggest larceny in histroy whereby they swapped bad credit for bailout from the public, who built and controlled the same system they then used to engineer the most massive transfer of wealth, and now are (earnestly) worried about the huge interest / debt payments the public will owe for eternity to… the private / pirate sector? the system that makes about as much sense as “talking with the Taliban”. “More tea Mr Taliban Man?”

I hope to make it to Glastonbury this summer as it sounds like one seriously good show to be there for. Until then may good fortune fill your life.

Amen to everything Coldplay ever were, are and will be. They give meaning to the words art and beauty.

May the Chris be with you.

The heretics and pagans from coldplaying.com have recently been very well-behaved. Despite a Twitter provocation, they did not take the bait and left no hateful posts or comments on our Church website.
It seems that perhaps all our google success has brought a type of respect to us that coldplaying.com cannot deny. This may be the time to mount a Church of Chris Martin campaign for an international treaty to protect our religious symbols, beliefs, and customs from mockery and defilement-basically an anti-blasphemy ban.

The True Widow has taken the lead in lobbying to bring this proposal to a vote at the next Holy Elder Conclave. If ratified by a Church majority, we can work to eliminate a showdown with coldplaying.com at Glastonbury 2010-when the Church will have it’s hands full with the Holy Pilgrim unveiling and entertaining Saint Bono at the Yellow Tent!

This proposal may face stiff resistance from several combative factions of the Church, that take great pleasure from the fights and contretemps with the basement wankers of coldplaying.com. The Church-as a whole does not want to ignite a civil war within it’s ranks or re-ignite festering ethnic tensions among its rank-and-file members.

The last time coldplaying.com heretics left incendiary messages lampooning the Church, several angry Church mobs were provoked and Father Drobbingdon drained the Church coffers to bail these “civil libertarians” out of jail.

This True Widow Peace Initiative would be a first step toward drafting a nonbinding resolution and protocol that would eventually go before a full Church Polled-Play vote asking members: Should we bury the hatchet with coldplaying.com for good? As long as the mommy’s basement dwellers agree to a treaty condemning “defamation of religions,” and agree to be bound by all sacred provisions-then a course of agreement may be at hand.

Certain factions may lobby Father Drobbingdon behind-the-scenes to quash this peace initiative, but out of an abiding love and respect for the True Widow and out of deference for our newest Saint Cobain-I believe this Treaty is of Holy Merit. Providing that coldplaying.com agrees: “That there shall be no further attacks on sacredly held Church beliefs and defamation of religions, sacred symbols or personalities, and dogmas. coldplaying.com must not impinge on the sanctity and human rights of Church followers and hold their tongues in abeyance on Twitter lest they insult this Great Coven of Chris Love.”

The True Widow has sought the counsel of Father Drobbingdon in this matter and seeks to call together an Ad Hoc Committee on Complementary Standards of Rectification which will formally propose a treaty to be certified upon the arrival of the New Year. May the Chris Be With You! Amen.