It’s a C:O:C: Chris-mas!
The C:O:C: Girls are in a Festive Mood! Not just because Chris Martin might be cheating on Gwyneth and there might be a chance for some of the girls to attain “spiritual fulfillment” with our Soul Master! Not because Saint Bono is coming to Glastonbury 2010 and perhaps will be available for some “Irish Cream” behind the Yellow Tents! And not because Father Drobbingdon has served the divorce papers on that shrew of a wife and will soon be free to “study Coldplay lyrics” with some of the younger, more curvaceous disciples! Rather, the C:O:C: girls have balls on their minds!
Though the Yellow Tent has been put away until Glastonbury 2010, that doesn’t mean all the behind-the-scene’s “shenanigans” have put to bed. Quite the contrary-despite the accusations of vice cops and public health workers–the C:O:C: “artistes” remain (somewhat) ambulatory & ready to celebrate the “joys” of the season! As a token of their love and appreciation for all the blessings bestowed on them this year, the lovely ladies will be doing a Holiday C:O:C: Ball Hanging and Dance-a-thon. This C:O:C: tree-decorating will be the social highlight of the Holiday party season and any drooling Rock Star worth his weight in groupies will want his own personal balls hung by a C:O:C:!
I can see it now: balls festooned with the names of Saint Bono, Bishop-Elect McCartney (a C:O:C: tour bus favorite) Saint Mark King, newly-minted Saint Cobain, Pope Elvis Presley, token black potential Saint Michael Jackson, and others too numerous to mention. Beautiful multi-colored lights will gently drape the tree and mistletoe will hang. The topper will be a paper mache sculpture of our Church object of desire: Chris Martin! He will reign over all the lesser subject balls that dot the C:O:C: tree. The C:O:C: girls have choreographed a special “artiste” dance that creatively captures the overwhelming desire of love and admiration the girls have towards the Coldplay frontman. It will, of course, as the spirit of sublime spiritual love overwhelms the girls, degenerate into a naked expression of emotion, until they begin to disappear into the bushes with the special guests.
To honor Father Drobingdon, all the girls got together - au naturale - for a photo-shoot! Yes, so much fun and frivolity was had on the side of the road this summer with our Arch Pope, that a momento was called for. (It is important that this photo SHALL NOT fall into the hands of Mother Drobbingdon, as she may deign to use it in the divorce proceedings!) Father Drobbingdon has shown so much “paternal devotion” and “chaste concern” to certain C:O:C: ladies that they all wished to show their naked gratitude to this Devoted Over-Seer and Master of Chris Martin’s Church!
The Holidays are a time of remembrance of the past year’s delights and triumphs. We celebrate all the new friends made, in prison, the bushes or Yellow Tents. One is thankful for bail bondsmen, charming barristers and negative health dept. tests. Father Drobbingdon is always grateful for antibiotics and pitbull divorce attorneys.
The True Widow took the most well-behaved bunch of C:O:C:’s to the prison where she was (voluntarily) locked up & passed out Xmas cookies, cosmetic samples and sanitary supplies to the many jailbird friends she made while incarcerated! Christmas carols were sung and the group studied Coldplay lyrics while admiring flattering photos of Chris Martin. This activity was instrumental in turning many of the gay girls hetero - or at least bi - when they beheld the magnificence of our Church Soul Master!
So as we gather among the decorated Magi & scenes of the Virgin and Child in the manger, let us call upon the better angels of our nature and NOT cast aspersions on the “Loose” knit group of Church of Chris women better known as the C:O:C:’s! They may be of a somewhat dubious character & easily-begotten charms, but they all LOVE Chris Martin as we all do. Let us HONOR that this season, as we celebrate all that is Holy, Blessed and Divine among us - namely Prophet of the Female Messiah, Chris Martin! Viva!
December 09 2009 09:57 pm | Church History and news
Friar Franklin of the Blessed Sacrament on 10 Dec 2009 at 6:44 pm #
CHURCH BROTHERS & SISTERS & THE GREAT DROBBINGDON:
I have taken it upon myself to come to Copenhagen and appeal to President Barrack Obama to help the Church broker a peace treaty with coldplaying.com. We must alleviate all internet tensions before the Great Glastonbury celebration of 2010. Our Church must concentrate on honoring Saint Bono, proclaiming the Glory of the Holy Pilgrims 3 & trying to rein in the antics of those wild C:O:C:women!
As such, I offer to the Church a preview of the Conclave agreements we must vote on at the next Holy Elder Summit. “I, Distinguished Friar Franklin of the Blessed Sacrament hereby proclaim that The Church of Chris Martin is urging a reconciliation of the uneasy tensions that exist in the relationship with our internet rival-coldplaying.com.”
The animosity between us peaked recently when coldplaying.com members left several offensive comments on the Church website. There exists proof of this-the smiley yellow faces known to be the signature of coldplaying.com threaders dotted the inane postings. The Church would like to reach out to coldplaying.com members in an effort to avoid an all-out spiritual quagmire at Glastonbury 2010 and draft an edict that would unite us in love for Coldplay and Chris Martin.
A throng of angry Church members is threatening to mutiny the Church and begin a Civil War but The Holy Elders feel it is in the best interests of climate change to move forward on our peace initiative. The harmed relations between us must cease. President Obama will be petitioned to help bring about a sit-down meeting that “people of good will” in both communities will “work to repair the damage that has been done” and in fidelity to our common beliefs that Coldplay Rules!
We must reaffirm the sacred knowledge that gives both groups safe spiritual haven in the words and music of Coldplay. We must yoke together an interfaith agenda that will advance our peace process. We must create a sovereign Coldplay internet homeland where all our voices may be heard in unison for the love of Coldplay and Chris Martin.
Continuing negotiations are afield as The Holiday season is upon us all; The Holy See and Father Drobbingdon must come to a meeting in Vaticanned City-Rome for a signing of the initial Treaty of Annunciation at the Mounted Precipice. It is requested that no C:O:C: females attend this formal
Liturgical Meeting as those women do present somewhat of a “distraction.”
Blessed are the Peace-makers. Pray for guidance that we may reach an agreement that binds both in Devout and Chaste Love for Coldplay. Hallelujah. Amen.
Sex Addicts Anonymous Graduate on 19 Feb 2010 at 6:37 pm #
Upon release from the lock down unit of the Mayfair Sex Rehab Clinic, one of the Glastonbury Holy Pilgrims 3 blurted out what some might call a blasphemy on The Church of Chris! I heard it when I was in the lock down room.
The unnamed Pilgrim shouted that “it was the Church of CM’s fault that he became addicted to sex and that The Holy Sanctuary is little more than an excuse for orgies in the Yellow Tents!”
This troubled me somewhat so I frantically searched the lyrics of Coldplay music for a glimmer of truth and some serious soul-searching. Yes-it is an over-heated and passionate bunch that calls Chris great! Music-lovers are an enigma and for some obscure reason-the gentle music and personality of Chris Martin attracts some really hormone-raging fans! No need to look any further than Father Drobbingdon-a meek, celibate bookworm up in an ivory tower-remote, aloof, unapproachable-but watch out when he gets some Holy Chris wine from the chalice cup and Coldplay tunes in him! I met him at the reintroduction Pilgrim party and could see him morph from scholar to party boy before my eyes.
The C:O:C girls need no explanation! Yes-they do represent the Church at many activities and have been known to stop (and entertain) many a rock band tour bus! But Father has said MANY TIMES, he uses the physical assets of these saucy women to lure away coldplaying.com members to our ranks and also garner lurid attention to pump up the google ratings! It’s BUSINESS, baby!
Lots of drama and Peyton Place antics…but these come mostly from the shenanigans of the Glastonbury Pilgrims 3! These boys need to confront the responsibility they have to themselves to keep their crotches under control. The Doctor said so! I heard all the lurid stories of their escapades during “Share Sex Time” and I immediately decided to join The Church of Chris Martin upon my release!
From “Sex Addicts Anonymous:”
“We found in each other what we could find nowhere else: people who knew the depth of our pain. Together we found hope and the care of a loving Higher Power. Our commitment is to help others recover from sexual addiction, just as we have been helped.”
— Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Yes-Great Church of Chris-the same can be said of the Shrine website here. The Glastonbury 3 promised they could help me with sex if I joined the Church. They said- We will take your sex addiction and use the Power of Chris to help you overcome the demons of desire!
We have one another and have found a home where we can commit to a love of Chris and also to help our brethren and sistren in their life-long pursuits of wisdom and understanding of the mysteriously inscrutable lyrics and puzzles found in Coldplay songs. Let us bow our heads and be grateful that just as the Glastonbury Holy Pilgrim Sex Addicts seek companionship among other sufferers-so does this Church gather together & look for increased Google hits, greater rectory revenue & an understanding of why lovers of Coldplay always want to have sex?
SEX ADDICTS UNITE! The Church of Chris Martin-welcome any sex addict into the fold and make them feel welcome-offer them a hospitable C:O:C: girl to
“study Coldplay lyrics” with! Or perhaps a friendly male Church Novitiate will “worship Coldplay music” with you? Come one and come all to worship among the ranks of “those who have never wanked in their mommy’s basement!” The ultimate answer to the question posed: IS THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN A BUNCH OF SEX ADDICTS? YES-and proudly so!
Every bodily crack and crevice shouts to the High Heavens of our LOVE & ADORATION for Chris Martin! No need to hang your head in shame about that! Amen to all. Let the Blessings of the Nether regions Be Upon You! VIVA !-Let the Holy Sex of Chris Be With You!