News in Brief
A big thank you for all the recent comments. I feel like Saint Paul, ministering a growing circle of new Churches, small groups that would eventually grow into the Christian world, writing epistles and dealing with an ever-growing number of heresies. Unlike Paul, however, I didn’t try and kill our prophet first! Doh!
- The comments for 42, despite any harmful conspiracy theories, was caused by a glitch within Wordpress, not any desire to silence decention against the Archpope-in-Cheif. The two Vietnamese 14-year-olds we pay to run the blog were unable to correct the error. I missed the comments, so if you wish, please lay them on us at the end of this post.
- Download Coldplay’s new live album for free!
- The Church of Chris Martin… in Spanish!
- Tell me - would you appreciate a weekly round-up of Chris Martin-related news stories?
- A delightful poem to brighten your day.
- The Church of Chris Martin is looking to make a new film, and we want your help! If you would be willing to record yourself talking about what the CoCM means to you, send us an e-mail to indoctrination [AT] thechurchofchrismartin.com. Lets get together to win hearts and minds!
May 19 2009 01:00 pm | site news
Poetress of State (hospital) on 19 May 2009 at 3:18 pm #
..a delightful poem..to brighten your day…:
Chris Martin: I c R Y 2 U!
oH! lord & master of world destiny-
my heart yearns for your polite company.
To be afield near your flowers of righteous song-
hey Chris-would like a hit from my super-sized bong?
Lest you think I’m a guy-
Good luck, Perez Hilton-give it another try!
For Godly Chris Martin is so above mere sexy times-
but I’d sure like to get up on him so we could practice some “coldplay rhymes.”
Simpleton on 25 May 2009 at 3:01 pm #
a poem…of…love…for all things…coldplay:
..a star drifts down from the sky..
..it is “Yellow” ..and catches my eye.
Though not “The Scientist,” I do not lack smarts-
…especially because it is coldplay that seizes my heart!
“Violet Hill” is where the fox became God,
I Know this cause I read about it on MOG!
Chris Martin: You are the Perfect Man,
if only you would just get a tan!
If one more player says you stole “their song,”
..I’m gonna go find them & chop off their ding-dong!
..Because coldplay’s got the “Reign of Love,”
and their “Church of Chris Martin” gots grace from above!
Now..if Chris would just “42″ his “Strawberry Swing” to me, a Simpleton no more…would I be! xxxxxxxx!!
Goop Gawker on 26 May 2009 at 12:22 am #
…a ..lovely…poem…for..Gwyneth…..
..gwyneth..you of the flaxen hair and pilates work-out;
..don’t all these CRAZY fans of Chris make you just want to scream & shout!?
…do they disrupt your serene environment..by claiming your better half is heaven-sent? Do the Glastonbury Pilgrims 3 make the Lasix work that much faster and then you have to go pee?
How about that detox colon cleanser and green drink-
all that pooping gives a girl plenty of time to THINK!
Gwyneth: do you really appreciate all that is great about Coldplay, or perhaps seeing those busty groupies that Chris sings praises of makes you wish there never was a Martin wedding day?
If I am casting doubt in your mind about the state of your marriage–maybe it’s time to bust out another angelic kid to push in that fancy baby carriage?
If you want to kick Chris out of your palatial home-
I’m sure there are plenty of new takers in just about every time zone. I got my hand up first so I can get a Coldplay tumble-Gwyneth: if you are not digging this idea, I am ready to rumble.
Cause me thinks you are too precious and delicate a bird for your that limey chap, and really that website of yours-GOOP-is a load of crap.
It’s insensitive to the needs and wants of our day and time; even though I think all your fancy gourmet recipes are simply divine.
Hey Gwyneth-I have a good idea for you to ruminate on-let some one else due the Martin conjugal visits, so you can stay as beautiful and untouched as a lovely swan?
Blessed-in Training on 26 May 2009 at 7:47 pm #
From the Angelic Desk of Assistant to the Holy Pope: Kurt Cobain..out of Nirvana…with an important message to Church followers:
Greetings and Blessings to All Dear Friends old & new, and Best Wishes from Holy Pope Elvis Presley..
This is not an assistant Writ of Papal Condemnation. I am the one who is always talking the Holy Pope down from his wrath and anger at the direction the Church has been heading in recently. To see him rage against coldplaying.com and the shameless, immoral women who have been toying with the affections of Arch Pope Drobbingdon brings a sudden concern to me that I wish to convey belatedly.
Firstly-let me offer a sincere writ of apology for my behavior while on the earthly plane. Perhaps I was, as Arch Pope decreed: “aggressive, drug-plagued, and satorically unimpressive,” but I offer up as an explanation the fact that the drugs really messed me up. Now I am in the heavenly-realm and Holy Pope has befriended me and given me all his old velvet jumpers, so now I am looking good!
My friends, remember what the Holy Pilgrims 3 said: “Show mercy to some people who have doubts. Take others out of the fire and save them. Show mercy mixed with fear to others, hating even their clothes which are dirty from sin.” The dirty sin I wish to speak of today is the fact that the flock of Chris Martin Church women has become too sexually emboldened and inspiring “lust in the hearts” of Church men. Furthermore, some of the Church speaks out in jest of our dear Mother-Gwyneth.
Sweet poems are nice but they must be respectful of Mother’s status as the Holy Vessel of deliverance of Blessed Chris’s children. She is the consort who he choose out of Hollywood, and in fact, the Holy Pope has authorized me today to issue an official Papal Edict: Herein-Mother Gwyneth Paltrow is officially ordained into the Church of Chris Martin, as the Most Holy Blessed Mother & all will hereby address her as such. I never showed much respect for the fairer sex while in earthly pursuits, but then-LOOK what I married (in a drugged haze.)
It is proclaimed; No more hazing of The Holy Female One. All Church women are to cover up and keep their legs together in Church. No one is to illicit sex from any other member without express written approval from Task-Master Drobbingdon. Please continue the Sanctimonious Fund-Raising Efforts for the Erections of the Glastonbury Pilgrims 3-any calenders must be in GOOD TASTE. Proceed to honor all among you who have a full heart of Love for Chris Martin for he does possess a Heart-Shaped Heart! Hallelujah!
Pamela Double-DD on 09 Jun 2009 at 7:08 pm #
Greetings to All:
Let me introduce myself–I am Pamela DD, social secretary-by-fiat of this Holy Church of Chris Martin. It is my duty to organize, plan, and put forward a publicity stunt during Glastonbury this year that will call forth world attention to our sanctuary of salvation.
Without consultation of the Great One: Drobbingdon, I ask Church members to pray on my plan. We shall set up along the muddy roads to this great music festival-”Yellow” tents with lots of “Yellow” balloons-just like Coldplay puts up at their show.
We will staff this tent with only the finest specimens of ladies and gents from the Church proper.
As mandated by Pre-Saint Kurt Cobain-this is only to be in the best of propriety and taste. Our girls will be in “Yellow” bikinis and the men-”Yellow” speedos. They will “soliciting” for donations regarding the Holy Pilgrims Erection fund, as the cars drive by and stare in wonder!
Additionally, we have had a noted Las Vegas artist donate a velvet painting in honor of our Musical Master: Chris Martin. It is created in the manner of Holy Pope Elvis Presley in his Las Vegas heyday and we will be raffling this masterpiece off to supplement the (Tax-free) contributions to the coffers of Corpulent Corporal Drobbingdon.
In honor of the Great Trek of the Martyrs that went forth to seek the Musical Truths of Coldplay, we will be pleased to announce their Blessed Presence at the “Yellow” tent. These gentlemen will be making a special appearance to hawk their goods: 3-Pilgrims video, booklet of “Pilgrim Lore,” and “Please Help With My Erection” T-shirts and boxer shorts. I ask all Church members to remember with love and Euros these indentured souls so selfless that they took the Great Trek before us to Glastonbury.
We are awaiting final approval from the Arch Pope on other assorted trinkets and worthless knick-knacks that we may offer the unaware consumer and traveler. Keychains and teacups featuring the honored visages of Holy Saint Bono, (out of U2)Newest Saint Mark King,(out of Sum 42) and Holy Pope Elvis Presley will adorn this memorabilia. The Noble True Widow of Kurt Cobain is agitating for a shot glass with the late Grunge God featured on it and in honor of The Blessed Holy Mother Gwyneth-we offer oven mitts with her lovely likeliness on it. Lastly: a creative type has printed “kiss my ass: coldplaying.com” on the cheapest toilet paper imaginable and that keepsake will be offered for sale as well.
As you can see, this “Tent Event” is formulating excitement and revelry. We have one more feature that is causing some consternation among the more sensitive Church members. We plan a re-enactment of the Pilgrims Path so lovingly documented on the Church video. The planning committee is asking for some volunteers such as some pasty-white Brit chicks with BAD teeth, chefs who can recreate the iceberg lettuce salads our Holy Men eat in their shabby motel room. These chefs must also lower themselves to plan some untasty English cuisine for a proper installation of the poor food endured in the Pilgrims Travels to Music Metaphysical Madness. We are contemplating week-old Shepperd’s Pie, flat ale,
and soggy fish-and-chips. Of course, these food items will be for sale so Church members can “feel the pain” of the 3 warriors. Whether the pasty, dingy-teethed Brit girls are pricing themselves is up to them-they are independent contractors.
Let the gay festivities begin. There is a lot to be thankful for this year. Coldplay is at the top of their game and their lawyers are busily at work fending off the onslaught of music-plagiarism claims. The Church is strong and resolute in their fight against the God-less heathens: coldplaying.com.
The Erection must go Up to Honor our Members. Please everyone: be generous in support of our public endeavors and pray to the Holy Trinity of Saints for enlightenment and good weather, although some mud would be welcome to assist our Glastonbury Trek re-enactment. God is Good! Holy amen!
drobbingdon on 12 Jun 2009 at 12:07 pm #
I hereby give my blessings to this project. Obviously, due to my self-imposed exile, I shan’t be able to attend personally. I only ask that the event be fully documented , and said record published upon the site for the edification of Martinites everywhere! Viva!
Misty Shadows & C O C Girls on 13 Jun 2009 at 3:07 pm #
Good news…from the land of C O C—the Holy Vessel of Love for all Chris Martin devotees..The Girls have managed to procur…I mean apply for & receive a “Homeland Security Grant” from a customer..I mean..a high-government official who “enjoys” the music of Coldplay.
This will enable us to put together our firat annual C O C Camp-whereby Church johns..I mean..devotees can come together..I mean worship..in ecstacy..I mean..fervently..in pursuit of the ultimate climax..I mean …seek enlightenment or truth! Whew!
Many FUN activities are planned at this C O C camp such as Midnight Swims, “Gathers”-Round-the-Campfire, Mud-fighting, Musical Chairs, Guess=the=Stripper,”X=Ploring Coldplay lyrics and other wholesome fun! A Valued Client..I mean Church devotee has allowed C O C access to his estate in the Scottish highlands for this Church activity, as long as no one camping has objections to him watching with binoculars and filming the activities for a future “C O C-umentary?”
We appeal to Arch Pope Drobbingdon and beseech him for approval of this Holy C O C Camp=whereby the ladies of the evening can instill a love of the outdoor act…I mean further the love of the great outdoors in a serene narure setting. Per the instructions of the Holy Assitant Cobain, C O C will strive to keep thongs..I mean things from getting out-of-hand.
The C O C Ladies of the evening..I mean Lady Church members will be soliciting..I mean signing up those who wish to comingle..I mean..sign up for camp at the Yellow Glastonbury Tent. Look for us strolling..I mean.. waving at you from the street-walking..um..We will be out there for you to meer and greet..and we only ask a donation to the Corpulant Coffers of Arch Pope Drobbingdon.
Come..I mean..please do make yourself known so this first Camp gets off..I mean..we cam worship Coldplay and Chris Martin together in an orgy of love..I mean a vibrant Church experience…JUST SAY YES to C O C !
Chris Martin Oracle & Message on 18 Jun 2009 at 7:40 pm #
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news
Coldplay back Meat Free Monday
June 18, 2009 6:12 pm
Band get behind campaign to have a veggie start to the week
Good afternoon. Chris and the band have asked us to let you know that they’re supporting the new Meat Free Monday campaign which launched this week, encouraging people to help slow climate change by having at least one meat free day a week. Head over to supportmfm.org for the full lowdown on the campaign.
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O.K. C O C G I R L S ! This means you! No working on “Meat-Free Mondays..” or else you will have to figure out another way to ply your trade for one day a week—Chris Martin says so! It is his request that you go “veggie” one day of the week for
the “good of the planet.” Please honor our Holy Master’s Words of Divinity and Goodness. Amen.
Sister Gabriella of Dominican Chris-tinites on 19 Jun 2009 at 9:13 pm #
For goodness sake, what kind of bimbo’s are you C O C Girls? Divine Chris doesn’t want you to give up “SEX,” but just stop eating meat (from cows, pigs, lambs, dirty men) for one day–Mondays, preferably.
He is using the power of his musical pulpit to train the public on how to go vegan S L O W L Y …You strumpets and harlots have got nothing between your ears and everything down there is all between your legs! Try using your brains for a change.
Arch Pope Daddy Drobbingdon may allow for a load of hussies to solicit in this Church, but even so, you girls should try and put a thinking cap on sometimes instead of that other latex cap you all should be using! I don’t mean to sound HARSH, but really, now.
PRAY to Chris for some brain cells to generate from all that sex you pander out. Holy Hosanna to Birth Control in the Highest! Amen!
Yellow Tent Event Video Director on 09 Jul 2009 at 5:44 am #
Hello Church of Chris Martin:
I am trying my best to edit footage of the Yellow Tent event at Glastonbury down to a brief video that the Church can proudly feature on the website and Facebook page. But most all of my work is unfit for even an R-rated video, in that the C O C girls or the Holy Pilgrims 3 are most always in a state of undress or inappropriate behavior that is very hard to edit around. No good footage that’s not obscene!
Simply this “event” was little more than an orgy. I know that Holy Assistant Cobain commanded these “ladies” to behave themselves and stop inciting lust in the hearts of Chris Martin men. I don’t want to be a tattler, but this Glastonbury co-mingling means I may need to re-film some scenes and will insist these girls remain clothed and the Holy Pilgrims restrain their voracious libidos in the presence of the C O C girls. How these Holy Men who suffered so for Coldplay enlightenment and rapture can suddenly turn into profane adulterers and hussy hustlers is beyond mortal comprehension.
I refuse to burden the Great Arch Pope Drobbingdon with my apprehensions due to his desire to hide in his bunker from the approaching end-of-days. That beloved man has built from scratch the edifice of this Church that will stand the test of time and the manipulations of evil coldplaying.com shenanigans.
He specifically ordained the C O C mission to go forward at Glastonbury-despite the untimely death of Michael Jackson. I will never be the bearer of bad news to Father Drobbingdon, but I will recommend that Church higher-ups call these C O C girls to task and reiterate that they must maintain proper decorum when conducting themselves as representatives of the Church of Chris Martin.
My video assistant and I will re-shoot at Glastonbury next week and hope that all goes well. The dancing of the girls will be clothed only and the Holy Pilgrims 3 MUST stop touting incessantly their blessed erections. It is hoped that with these slight adjustments–an R-rating will be possible.
If it is any consolation to the Church, I have never worked at a job where so much “lust for life” exists, and if that Chris Martin should ever give up his Coldplay day-job, he would certainly make a damn good PIMP! God Bless.
Rain of Love..message to Barrister on 13 Jul 2009 at 12:21 pm #
Dear Barrister B. B:
thank you for springing me out of jail after I was arrested for dancing at the Yellow Tent Event finale of “Aqueous Transmission/” Skinny Dip Dance.
I told the judge I was “an ARTISTE” but she didn’t believe me. YOU convinced her!
Here is a special poem for you entitled:
*THANKS*
by
Rain of Love
…with or without guests…I sleep diagonally too..
..maybe I can be the sock..that fits your biking shoe?
…you need no distractions for the next 6 weeks..
..I’ll just hang out here amid the mountains and the VIOLET peaks..
…mom was right about lucid dreaming & visualization…if you’re out there by Area 51, look for sky visitors from the alien nation!
xxxxx !