Obama Makes A Bad Impression
Times are tough for everyone, and that includes impressionists. But their hard times are not caused by the recession, but because of Barack Obama.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said Rory Bremner, 65. “I’ve got three kids, a mortgage… I’ve been making a living impersonating these guys for twenty years. Jesus, things were so good in the Bush years, I even left the BBC!”
“Now what am I supposed to do? Black up?”
Bremner claims to have the impression down pat, excepting that one fatal flaw. But why not just do the impression white?
“I tried it,” Bremner sighs,”And no one knew who it was.”
And Bremner is not alone. Becoming an impressionist seems to be a uniquely white phenomenon, from John Sessions to Vincent van Gogh.
Ronni Ancona stood to make a killing if Hilary Clinton was elected. As things stand, she is reliant on the rapidly diminishing scraps from the Sarah Palin ticket. Roni, a proud Scot, relectantly admits that she is preparing to impersonate Kerry Katona to keep food on her family’s table.
Lenny Henry was unavailable for comment.
June 29 2009 09:00 am | news
The Real Chris Martin on 30 Jun 2009 at 6:32 am #
Airbus fall from the sky
And I wonder why,
As people fall like rain
on the cold blue sea,
Ronni Ancona
will you marry me?
Forever Yours / The sound Of? / Inside Everything / You Are / There’s a Cold World Commin… / The Real Chris Martin / You are the Poet-Philosopher Fortold / You are the Melody of Music Itself / It’s true… You are Divine. All of you, SIMPLY DIVINE.
Sister Canada Dry on 30 Jun 2009 at 6:50 pm #
Dear TRCM aka Brother Rob:
what a beautiful, mesmerizing ode to love you wrote.
My gift to you and your bride / groom :
“Ronni Ancona…a poem to you…”
“Ronni Ancona..whether a boy or girl-
Brother Rob’s love is yours to unfurl-
As precious as an oyster that opens up to reveal a pearl…play some tender Coldplay tunes together and give this guy-Brother Rob a whirl!”
I hope this helps get you to first base at the softball field, Brother Rob, and Ronni says “YES.”
You should have asked the band to blast your marital proposal on the big screen at the 2 Vancouver Coldplay shows you went into further debt to attend!
If you could have mentioned that you intend to marry in The Church of Chris Martin, that would have been some excellent publicity for our website. I am sure the C O C girls would be happy to be Ronni’s attendants-and they would look respectable for that happy occasion. The Holy Pilgrims 3 would videotape it for posterity and the True Widow would lend a hand in creating beautiful floral extravaganzas for the festivities.
Please do not forget this Blessed Church as you plan the meaningful events of your life. God Bless You Brother Rob-you are a spiritual guiding force up the Canadian way. Hallelujah Mounties! Amen.
Sister Cupcake Sprinkle on 02 Jul 2009 at 6:48 pm #
ATTENTION ALL CHURCH MEMBERS:
Please go to the Coldplay Facebook page and read the special message from the band on Michael Jackson.
It is apparent that C/P was sincerely appreciative of the music and dance talents of Michael Jackson.
It is this fellowship in artistry that calls to the hearts and loins of the C : O : C : girls…and pleading with the Arch Pope in his bunker..if the girls can make dearly-departed Michael Jackson a fellow C O C -lover and adherent..an “HONORARY MEMBER” of the interpretive, unclothed dance team that was the sensation of both Glastonbury and the Midsummer’s Celebration at Stone Henge? A statement of sorts will be forthcoming regarding an appreciation of Michael Jackson by one of the more…literate girls. Church members: please look forward to this as we celebrate the life of this monkey-loving musical marvel known as MJ.
Brother Rob: I wrote on the Coldplay Facebook wall that you are desirous of a Coldplay presence at your hoped-for upcoming nuptials to Ms./Mr. Ronni. Perhaps the band might be able to lend those puppets of theirs that are photographed everywhere the band goes? What a blessed honor that would be! Pray on it.
Princess Layya on 03 Jul 2009 at 5:36 pm #
This is the most divine Church I have ever come across looking for porn on the internet. It sounds pretty wild to. Your cast of characters is better than any porn flick.
To be able to dance like the C: O: C: girls and express myself so fully-united in spiritual expression and song..is probably better than sex. Well-maybe?
I read about Brother Rob in Canada and his spiritual and financial crisis. Coldplay will be here in my town pretty soon. I want to prepare for this concert properly so that I might experience an awakening. It seems that Brother Rob had a breakthough at their 2nd Vancouver show and came to understand how the Airbus fell from the sky & how he wanted to get hitched to Ronni.
I would like to give up meat until the concert takes place. I want to be like the C: O: C: girls and strong enough to say “NO!” to all those men for one day at least. I want to purge all the shit from my life and just focus on art, music, creative expression, dancing naked in the rain to Incubus, channeling alien energy around a bonfire like at Stone Hedge…there has to be more to life than THIS.
I want to go to that Coldplay concert with a clear heart and head and bowel…and “feel” the wave of musical love & knowledge that awaits the unimpeded fan. I want to take my credit card TO THE LIMIT-like Brother Rob, and hope that teetering on the brim of fiancial ruin will allow me to overcome my fear of the credit crunch, usury banks, that piece-of-shit Bernie Madoff, and all that is wrong with the world.
If I deny myself food, drink, Level 42 songs and other pleasures of the flesh : might I also obtain the wisdom and insight into Coldplay lyrics that Brother Rob and all the rest experience? Is there some kind of guide that one can use to reach the heights of Coldplay hallucinization?? It is not enough to just go to a show–hassle to park, pay for over-priced beer, kick that guy next to you trying to look up your dress! I want to be overcome and have a musical orgasm-a special experience and bond with the band that goes beyond sex..to sex..and then beyond again.
If I am considered immoral and depraved enough but spiritually pleasing, might I audition to be a C: O: C: girl and dance to the most beloved rock tunes for Godly glory and coin? I will take notes at this Coldplay show and tell the world of the joy, honor, and super-natural high that comes from spending time in the same sold-out stadium as Chris Martin.
It is with much serene gladness that I say to this Great Church, you are much more entertaining than the nasty porn I thought I would be getting at The Church of Chris Martin. Hallelujah…
coldplay fan on 24 Jul 2009 at 4:44 am #
come on man are u serious about this shit or are u joking its hard to tell
BrotheRob on 26 Jul 2009 at 7:30 am #
Dear Sister Cupcake Sprinkles, Miss Canadadry and Princess Layme. I would like to thank you somewhat belatedly for your kindhearted words and spiritual support / guidance. God knows we need some of that these days. Living in a cardboard box down by the river will open your heart oneday.
Personally I like to vacation at the Korg Motel unit 108, overlooking infinity on a long hot day you can see your image sail by in the clouds, but only with your eyes closed looking into the sun.
And what ever happened to Greg Alexander? You Only Get What You Give? That guy is Chris Martin in an alternate universe.
Sometimes I play piano to run my demons away and hide in a corner of the universe where carnivores can’t find me. Like the little girl in Aliens I am so scared now, so very fucking scared to shirtless death I am.. What have they done to creation? (or like Chris is scared in the song.. “Telephones”? where he cannot reach his brother on the phone and he feels scared?
Everything Chris has foretold will come to be. We are all so pathetic now. We are humans with no face. We have mortgaged Paradise for Sorrow. We are ghosts living in coffins.
We value nothing and die to defend your right to be forever condemmed to hell on earth by a system of financial manipualtion so toxic to all life that even we may not be spared in the end.
On that happy note I leave you and if it all gets too much to bear and you want a good cry?… go check out my really mediocre music at http://www.myspace.com/robdriscoll
And if I ever do get married I will surely be at the COC. Ronni Ancona, will you ever marry me…
And is Laura Nyro really dead or just dreaming she’s alive again in Heavan? Where ever that might be.
And If the definiton of a paradox is: What You Are, then only by the light and love of Coldplay shall you pass from this wolrd to a higher vibration and be saved in the time of Great Calamity.
By your heart you shall be seen and from it will learn to see all things in the end. All things are of Wonder and for You this world was made. For You this Heavan exsists.
Let us now cry….