Poll Results: Calling All Martinites!
Down here in my bunker, I feel a little like Gordon Brown: as the world outside seems close to collapse, I am buffetted by threats of party dissolution and accusations of weak leadership and feeblemindedness. An act of contrition is what is called for. But more on that later…
For now, the results of the latest poll:
Another closely contested competition, the result of which is that from now on, members of the Church of Chris Martin shall be officially known as Martinites. Viva!
Now, much like Gordon Brown being forced to concede to UKIP after the embarrasing European Election results, I offer this latest poll as an act of contrition to the dispossed members of the assembly. Let the Martinites decide!
June 10 2009 02:11 pm | site news
Heart-Shaped Widow on 18 Jun 2009 at 6:26 am #
Hello and Greetings in Fellowship to the Great Church:
Arch Pope Drobbingdon was kind enough to placate me in my unending desire for an honorarium for the Great Grunge God out of Nirvana…Blessed Kurt Cobain.
I am imploring all of you in good faith to make every effort to take a few moments and vote on his canonization into sainthood. It would gladden any widow’s heart to see others remembering her better half.
Furthermore, recall, if you will-especially the C O C ladies and other strumpets who attend Church here-that Holy Cobain has reiterated all female members to only conduct themselves with the highest degree of etiquette. Always bring to mind the regal classiness of Holy Blessed Mother Gwyneth, if there is any question of how one is to behave at church. It is another proof-as if any more was needed-of Chris Martin’s great sacredness and understanding, that he was able to chose as his wife-such a lovely example of virginal womanhood.
Again, thanks be to all Church members who strive to move this great Church forward, despite the trepidations and back-stabbing of coldplaying.com, Joe Satriani, Cat (Twat) Stevens, and Kim Jong-who using the threat of nuclear weaponry-strives to cover up the true world threat of coldplaying.com skull-duggery and domination desires.
The Blessed Trinity of Saint Bono, Saint Mark King, and hopefully soon-Saint Cobain will act as the Church’s heavenly mediators and steer the Church on a path to even greater acclaim and perpetual glory! Amen.
dany-CHRIS AINT MESSIAH on 22 Jun 2009 at 8:25 am #
JESUS CHRIST IS THE MESSIAH NOT CHRIS MARTIN! THE END IS NEAR BY THE LOOKS OF IT COS IN THE BIBLE IT’S WRITTEN ”BEWARE OF FALSE PROPHETS AND MESSIAHS”. YOU GUYS ARE REALLY BEING IGNORANT TO SAY CHRIS IS THE MESSIAH. JESUS CAME TO SAVE US. HE CAME TO SAVE ME AND YOU IF ONLY YOU BELIEVE IN HIM. JESUS KNOW YOU AND ME VERY WELL. HE KNOWS YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF. CHRIS MARTIN PROBABLY DOESN’T KNOW YOU OR I EXIST! YOU GUYS ARE SUCH A****! BONO AINT NO SAINT! MARK KING AINT NO SAINT! JESUS AND JESUS ALONE IS THE ONLY SAVIOUR AND MESSIAH. IF YOU BELIEVE IN HIM, YOU WILL BE SAVED FROM ETERNAL DEATH.
Fanny Dancer on 27 Jun 2009 at 3:22 am #
It is with great happiness that I give the Church a brief report on the Glastonbury festivities that took place today. The Yellow Tent went up at the crack of dawn and we put out our more amply-asseted C O C girls to wave to the passing crowds. A few cars began to slow down and eventually we drew enough of a crowd to perhaps consider making an artistic statement.
The Skinny Dip Rain Dance was shelved in favor of a more dramatic rendering of “The Bidet Ballet,” and also the C O C Girls did a Spring Fling Dance along with the Glastonbury Holy Pilgrims 3, who were quite pleased to co-mingle in artistry with the girls. They were inspired to speak of their Erections here at Glastonbury.
The selling of worthless knick-knacks and souvenirs went swimmingly and many autographs were sold or bartered for by both the girls and Pilgrims.
The Pilgrimage to Glastonbury re-enactment was practiced and will be ready to unveil tomorrow, and we hope for some rain and mud to aid in authenticity.
The Noble True Widow made a brief appearance and solicited the crowd to go to the Church website and vote for canonization for Holy Cobain. I see that we have made a new friend at the website: Brandon Boyd..out of Incubus. The C O C Girls offer him a warm welcome and perhaps will consider an interpretive dance to a tune or two of theirs. Of course we will strive to keep it all in good taste, but we cannot promise to always keep our clothing on. As the spirit of the music moves us, we must respond in kind, and let the melody flow thru and about us in symphonic surrender.
Please one and all: come out and greet your Church kinfolk and show the C O C girls some love and Euros.
We seek the Holy truth, divine ordinance, and donations for breast enhancement for a few of the less-blessed girls. Please pray for guidance and VIVA
Hallelujah and God Bless Arch Pope Drobbingdon in infinitum.
Chain-Gang from Surrey Prison on 01 Jul 2009 at 5:05 pm #
Hey yeah..we be the chain-gang from the local Devonshire District prison and mental facility. We were out in the van last Sunday pulling weeds and picking up roadkill along the country roads when we came upon the big yellow tent thing.
A few of us fellows were able to rattle out of leg chains & come on up upon a bunch of birds in yellow suits.
Now we pimps been in lockdown a long time & the sight of them chicks wiggling and rubbing up against guys really clipped us so we got up out of our prison garb and went up to the birds hoping for a peck on the cheek or elsewhere…then we go up and some erection dudes asked us there- are we down with erections? Well hell yeah-we all’s got one right now with them girls shakin it.
So then one of them girls rolls on up & says with the guy: do you want to help us get erect? Ohh yeah, for sure so, let’s go in them bushes over there..
but all they wants is for us jailbirds to lay out some Euros for some nasty T-Shirt with them girls on it says: We Strip for Erections-Help the Glastonbury Pilgrims Memorial Erection Fund. So me and the punks got some change together & bought us some T-shirts. We don’t want the boxers with them Pilgrims on it-we get enough of that stuff in the prison showers.
So’s after a nice visit and I like that Cobain widow-she give me a nice hug and she smelled good like some flowers or something and made me vote for saintshood on her lap. Me and them chainers got to get back to whackin weeds so we bid adieu but them C O C ers got us all hot and bothered.
The rest of the gang back at lockdown and in mental health want to volunteer with your Church or Cult there and we want more nasty T-shirts. Maybe you can do prison outreach and we do mean outreach with them girls you got jumpin around? please reply. God bless erections in prison! Holy-moley + thanks be to tent events.
*From the Chapel of Dead Rock Stars* on 09 Jul 2009 at 8:00 pm #
Hello One & All Church Members, Brothers & Sisters:
It is I-Holy Assistant Cobain…out of Nirvana..with news that should delight you. I have here before me, at The Chapel of Dead Rock Stars Backstage area..none other than The Prince of Pop..keeping me-the King of Grunge-company.
Michael was mightily touched by all the love and good feelings that poured out of humanity upon his untimely death. MJ also felt his beloved heart break, as did everyone else who watched, when Paris Jackson openly wept at the service proclaiming her love for her father. But now he is past all that drug stuff-as am I-and he is eager to meet The Holy Pope Elvis Presley–especially because MJ was once-upon-a-time hitched to the Pope’s daughter-Lisa Marie.
I wish to be removed from the controversy surrounding the C:O:C: girls on earth and those horny Holy Pilgrims 3. I think all the attention from that Glastonbury video has literally gone to the heads of those Pilgrims! I will let my True Widow handle that DRAMA!
Reaassurance to Arch Pope Drobbingdon-Jacko has left the earthly realm, but I got him right here with me. I’m looking for some heavenly monkey souls to keep MJ company but no teen-aged boys! No Thriller there!
Continue to pray that Coldplay continues their musical conquering of the world and that they make so much money from the constant touring that they might just open up their own bank-usury laws be damned! And free credit to one and all! All rejoice in Holy triumph. Oh! And Courtney: Happy Birthday NOT! Amen.
Vicar Alexx Kapranos on 31 Jul 2009 at 4:47 am #
Best Wishes and a Fond Hello to the Church…
I am (Greek) Vicar Alexx Kapranos..out of Franz Ferdinand. I wish to compliment this great gathering of Holy Music Lovers & tell you how quite amusing I find this site. Many have compared me to Chris Martin and I don’t consider that to be a bad thing at all.
I wouldn’t mind that man’s bank account right now or his blonde wife either. What I would like to ask the Church is: Do you lend out those C O C girls for band functions? Are they available for private performances, per se? The Greek Orthodox Glasgow congregation is having a fund-raiser and many have asked for a interpretive dance or two from those lusty lasses.
One wouldn’t think a singer who look like a “geography teacher” (Noel Gallagher’s words) would have a pack of wild women he was toting around singing his praises! That chap is one fine pimp -little does the world at large know. So please Father Drobbingdon-I have dined at your restaurant and love your lamb chops-let my agent know if you can ship the C O C girls up for a day or two? I’ll make sure to keep a good Holy look-out on them.
Blessings of Greek Love (no-not the sheep kind) to All! God Bless Feta ! Amen.