St George’s Day
On Saint George’s Day, all around the world, Englishmen and women gather to celebrate their proud cultural heritage. Coldplay, England’s top artistic (and spiritual) export, are no exception.
The four group members, their wives and their many children, are expected to gather at Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s London pad today for an afternoon of revelry, and a break from their punishing tour schedule, to enjoy a few ales and partake of the traditional St. George’s Day festivities -
Re-watching the 1966 World Cup Final - Everyone must say “They think it’s all over - it is now!” at the appropriate moment. Extra kudos can be earned by wearing a Bobby Charlton comb-over wig, or by going to a foreign country en masse, getting blind drunk and fighting with the locals.- Voting Tory - Two children are chosen, and each must make a speech before the other guests. One is dressed in fine clothes and must talk in a plummy accent of traditional values, the monarchy and a hatred of foreigners. The other is dressed in rags and must mumble about the workers, the welfare state and the Colonies (AKA Scotland, Wales and Ireland) in a northern accent. Then a mock ballot is held, and the loser is ceremonially beaten.
- Saluting George Best - One person (the “George Best”) must drink alcohol until they pass out. Bizarrely, they are then saluted as a hero as they are stretchered into the ambulance.
A Minute’s Silence for the Queen - The Queen is a German enchantress who has somehow managed to bewitch the English into believing that she is more than human. They not only give her money, but even the lives of their sons. She represents nothing that is progressive, equal or sane, yet grown Englishmen will still weep over their Christmas dinners as she reads a speech written by someone else, without any emotion or theatrical flair.- Parading the Frenchman - Over the preceding weeks, the children (often with help from the adults) have constructed an effigy of a Frenchman. At the end of the day, this effigy is paraded around the group, either in a wheelbarrow or merely dragged by the arms, and all must hold their noses as though the smell was unbearable. Finally, the Frenchman is set upon by the children, who tear it limb from limb as the adults chant “Agincourt! Agincourt!”
When the fun is over, what else is there to do but to sit down to a meal of traditional English food - a macrobiotic, organic Chicken Tikka Masala, specially created by their private chef, Farouk Sanddu.
April 23 2009 08:11 am | news
beatle revisited on 23 Apr 2009 at 3:02 pm #
yes indeed-a punishing tour schedule of lavish hotel rooms, private yoga coaches, Lear Jets, groupies galore and then coming home to a mansion full of angelic-looking children and lovely Gwyneth-freshly mani+pedi-ed-serving the finest in vegan cuisine. Oh yes-let’s take the boatload of Grammy’s off the mantel and hope the Indian maid didn’t forget to dust them!
Maybe I will take my boys into the “mysterious room” where there are more secret Band Rules and the “truth” about the TRUE meaning of CLOCKS! When the fun starts with the Frog bashing-we’ll all come out! Opps! I don’t mean that to sound like C/P “was coming out of their secret closet!” Oh No! Women the world over would keel over in despair if that should ever leak out.
No-just a quick stiff pint (OF LAGER-PLEASE!) is about all the testo handleable although if it will help me grow some hair back on my head (on top) then I may ruminate on it while taking a minute’s silence for that German enchantress-the Queen! Thank you for the honor of being the FIRST COMMENT!
eddie veddered on 23 Apr 2009 at 6:34 pm #
It is I-the great grunge God of the Northwest..weighting in with my opinion. Looks like it’s just me, Chris Cornell, and a few hangers-ons like Jerry Cantrell and some of those Meat Puppeters that still are kickin it around.
Therefore I will put in my two sense. I do not suffer from total ego aggrandizement like my dear friend-BONO. I believe he caught that disease from Angelina while fighting AIDS in Africa. I keep my megalomania in check with regular surf sessions. It was while I was out surfing in California that a Red Hot Chili Peppers dolphin appeared to me “Behind the Sun.” It said to me: Kurt Cobain may have tormented you while he was alive-calling you a “pawn of the record industry and sell-out” but now he wishes to send his greetings from the GREAT BEYOND & ask if you will co-nominate him as the next GREAT SAINT in the The Church Of Chris Martin?
So–me-Eddie Veddered: hereby second the nomination to a vote of Sainted Kurt Cobain to the holy hierarchy of The Church of Chris Martin. It is the grunge element that must be honored musically here in order to spiritually ascend this congregation to it’s next metaphysical and existential level. Rex Mundi Chris Martin!
The Real Chris Martin on 27 Apr 2009 at 7:23 am #
Holy swine flu Batman, it’s a World Health Organization alert for St Georges day, least we all end up writhing in death on the floor like poor homeless Mexicans posessd by the Armageddon Free Trade Flu.
Asked to explain their lackadsical attitude toward the growing health crisis and mounting death toll, Official Mexican Government spokesperson Hector Kimono has stated unequivically that: if the public feels they have to bribe officails way too much just for the daily necessities of corn and beer then they are free to vote with their feet and move to that icon of insecurity and idiocy just north of the Rio Grande, the USA.
And besides (Mr Kimono went on to say) way more people are killed every day in Mexico by the drug wars than are killed by some sily litte swine flu / bird / human / mutant virus looking for a host body to exterminate. So what’s the big deal? As he inhaled a burrito and beer.
Earth right now for me is like Potterville gone over the cliff sanity wise in that movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”. It’s like a bad dream getting worse, only it’s really happening, but it might be a dream, only it’s a reality dream.
Like, if we were all alive in a dream, and the dream was alive also, then it might look like what we have maybe. Right?
But I digress, that’s what these little critters are designed to do what we can’t do efficiently enough against ourselves, they are built to kill, maybe me, maybe you. Maybe oui, maybe non?
And now the entire equation of esistence is changed, do I RISK TOURING and contracting the Armagedon flu, or should I hole up in my virus proof bunker, fifty stories below what was once the world trade center and compose my famous “Lost Symphony” (for Korg and guitars) which after my untimely death in 2016 (by natural casues), was never found and today is appentley still lost to humanity, save for the 3 sample cd I made upon completetion of that now forgettable work.
I believe I gave the rest to Jonny, Guy and Roy the drummer, but they all died in the plane crash with me so I guess there is no Lost Symphony to recover.
I only feebly attept to humour you to save you from the truth of my most latest and scary divine vision which was visited upon me by the Grand Mufti Chipmunk His Furry self who has said from his furry head, ” Beware, Gozar the Horrible will rise from Plantention and the Grand UnderLord of Hell will raise All Demons from Arcania and all sub-variet regions of ectoplasmic spititium, to amass a vast legion of darkness which wil engulf the consciousness of mankind and reign hell on earth forever.
MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOU ALL.
And may you always carry a song in your heart.
as Always, The Real chris Martin, I Guess
virgin of Crips/Compton on 27 Apr 2009 at 3:19 pm #
Let Not Your Precious (and Holy) heart be troubled-dear The Real Chris Martin. All is well in the world. The devil has brought on the swine flu-(i.e. Coldplaying.com is waging THEIR Holy War against the True Believers.) Play C/P music ad nauseum and goodness will prevail.
I-the Virgin of Compton, famous stomping grounds of the dangerous Los Angeles-area gang- the Crips-is calling my homies out to go seek out these miscreants and give them some URBAN JUSTICE! I remind these jailbird Crips that I will pray them back to prison-if they do not do my will. Also I remind them of how friendly The Great Chris Martin is with their bad-boy Jay-Z and in fact many of the Crips-once released from prison-join Jay Z’s CREW and do various kinds of ENFORCEMENT work. Coldplaying.com is really in for some gang-land fun, once them Crips get their tattooed hands on them!
(Chapel of Dead Rock Stars) HOLY POPE Elvis Presley on 15 May 2009 at 3:16 pm #
..Another Holy Word from the Whole Lotta Shakin POPE:
Today is the day that the world Greets the newest opus from director Ron Howard-”Angels and Demons” movie.
Lest any disaffected member (Church members) try and provoke the same sort of turmoil visited in this great story-hear my words!
I just recently visited a mosque on the 2nd day of my closely watched first visit to the Holy Land. I hope all who have an ear for peace heard me denounce the “ideological manipulation of religion,” and I also called for a greater understanding between the Church and coldplaying.com.
“Because of the burden of our shared history so often marked by misunderstandings and one upmanships, we should both strive to be seen as faithful and devout worshippers of the Great Man.”
This “ideological manipulation of religions-sometimes for political ends-is often the catalyst for tension & division, and at times even violence in society.”
I offer these “respectful reflections” from the “Holy Chapel of Dead Rock Stars”-whereby enlightened souls who accompany me (including Holy Kurt Cobain)
help my Papal efforts to “refacilitate the use of the traditional Tridentine Mass or Latin Mass-which has been optional since the reforms of the 2nd Vatican Conference headed by Bryan Jones-he-late of the Great Rolling Stones.”
The latest rite added to this most Holy Mass will include an intersession of prayer devoted to a calling for the conversion of coldplaying.com members into faithful Church of Chris Martin followers. Please direct all prayers to myself and other Holy Dead Chapelers to the Noble Sanctuary of Deceased Rock Souls. Rex Mundi Chris Martin! Go see Angels & Demons!
Holy Pilgrim on 24 May 2009 at 7:21 am #
Greetings to all Holy Seekers and Strivers:
We-the 3 Pilgrims of Glastonbury bid you adieu and hello. We are honored that you continue to pray for us and our erections to honor the great musicologist-Chris Martin.
Though we suffered immensely in our trek through mud, badly-teethed Brit girls and English food not fit for consumption, we managed to get out alive but would like some erections in our memory.
Therefore, we would like to propose a “3 Holy Pilgrims” charity calender of us..the Holy 3-some posed in various stages of undress..soliciting for our erection kitty whereby the world will know of our brave quest to find Coldplay Nirvana!
All hail the Saints, Prophets, Nursemaids and such of the Greatest of Holy Churches and the erector of the Shrine to Us: the 3 wandering seekers of yore.
private yoga on 28 Aug 2009 at 9:11 pm #
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