The Church of Chris Martin AWARDS 2009
Think those knob heads at coldplaying.com are the only ones who can hand out Chris Martin awards for 2009? THINK AGAIN!
The Church of Chris Martin has seen a tremendous 2009-as we crown our 3rd Holy Saint; as our list of drooling ROCK STAR FRIENDS grow exponentially; we gasp in awe as the C:O:C: Girls Bust sizes expand almost as fast as the amount of antibiotics they must consume to stay afield of “viruses.” Father Drobbingdon climbed out of the closet… um… I mean cellar, and Mother Drobbingdon made him pay for that bunker time by turning into a first class SHREW! Divorce attorneys are salivating in anticipation of one messy divorce! Yes, Holy Church brethren & sistren, there is much to celebrate! Let Us Begin:
BEST SMILEY FACE: various basement-wankers from coldplaying.com — who give their imbecile-selves away with those dreadful yellow smiley faces on their inane posts & comments.
SEXIEST USER: That would have to automatically be the C:O:C: Girls — who have single-handedly revitalized this Great Sanctuary with their X-rated antics, stopped many a tour bus full of horny rock stars, & made Father Drobbingdon realize that Viagra is nothing to be ashamed of!
MOST IMPROVED: without a doubt, SAINT BONO! — Seething with jealousy earlier this year when Coldplay hauled all the good awards home - he even attempted to steal the Coldplay thunder at February’s Grammy Awards! But he must have had a revelation, since Saint Bono has purged his mouth of insults, and even lent the 360 Tour Jet to the boys when their tour plane conked out in Scandanavia. Now fully taken back back into the Church fold, we look forward to his attendance at Glastonbury Pilgrim’s invocation at Glastonbury 2010.
Faithful Award: BrotheRob — once another coldplaying freak but deemed too “weird” for even that defiled website, so of course he was welcomed here at the Church of Chris Martin. Count on this Brother to contribute a weekly or bi-weekly ode to nothing really and very obtuse and incomprehensible at that! Father Drobbingdon consider him to be like a son!
MOST PROLIFIC: chicks.dig.coldplay — lovely lady who worships the ground Chris Martin walks on. Always pining for the day that Chris leaves Gwyneth and makes an honest woman out of her. The Church hopes that “Chicks” is patient!
BEST CHURCH EVENT: Yellow Tent Event, Glastonbury 2009 — Muddy, Rainy, depraved, & Loads of Fun! Even the Vice cops admitted they enjoyed their “freebies”! Without a doubt, the cause of the largest increase in the sale of antibiotics and pregnancy tests in Britain for many a year!
Father Drobbingdon Award: again goes to FATHER DROBBINGDON! — The Face, the Heart, the Soul of this Sanctuary of Coldplay Love. A spiritual crisis of faith sent him into the bunker but he arose - resurrected - a new man. He wins the award in his name yet again & gives all of us hope that someday us simple Church devotees might aspire to be the Saint and Soul of Goodness (and Humbleness) that the Father embodies.
VIVA CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! Go in Peace & Humility! Praise All that is Coldplay and Glorify the HOLY ONE: Chris Martin for his is the Music of the Ages and forever more. Greet one another with a kiss (french) and know that the Prophet Martin will never be “Lost” and his “Strawberry Swing” never “Yellow” when “Clocks” strikes the hour of remittance. Viva!
December 20 2009 01:31 am | Church History and news
BrotheRob on 22 Dec 2009 at 3:21 am #
I always knew that one day I would attain immortality in this lifetime, and I look forward to that day. Meanwhile, I will clear off a place on the mantle for my award. Thank you Church of Chris Martin, I am truly betwitched and befuddled.
And so as we enter another year into a future that may not be habitable for all the furry little critters we see can see posing so serenitously with Saint Christopher, in the Garden of Eternal Harmonies… just beyond the River of Light, I wonder when Noah is a comin’ to rescue us from ourselves or at least save a few animals?
And it looks like the the Fear Council are bathtub psychics or more correctly armchair prophets when it comes to predicting ice and snow. It’s getting cold out there, must be an ice age coming.
But not to worry about a thing because if you close your eyes and pray to Santanta (the Latino version), you too can be blessed with the Spiritual presence of Saint Chris himself this bleak, scary and most frightening time of year, Christmas. And he is such a jolly gentleman this time of year, like Der Bingle was in “A White Christmas”. Always a good time he is.
I will leave you with an alien transmission I picked up using my MacStar Software. The alien life forms were reporting to their leaders in deep space about our race… “world leaders are simply too divided by distrust and outright hostility, by economic competition and ideological fervour, by the dire need for development and by recession fueled fears of economic decline - to have overcome their differences and concluded a firm deal.” It may as well have been an alien’s view of earthman. It was actually written by Shawn McCarthy about Copenhagen.
And so the task before The One True Prophet is greatly daunting and awesomely challenging, but rest assured Saint Chris and friends will slay all evil in this world. For that is his lot in life, to speak for the infinite. To spread light before darkness and uplift the human race. Or as Saint Chris might say: “You’re in control, where do you want to go?” What future will we create?
Merry Christmas
Sickitten.com on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:06 am #
You are all LOSERS for worshipping this plain man & is plain looking wife!
Spiritual Instructions per Father on 10 Feb 2010 at 5:55 am #
With Father Drobbingdon gone, we-Fellow Members in good standing-are now left to our own devices.
Therefore: Sickitten.com-YOU ARE A LOSER for desecrating kittens with your sickness. And it is proof of your superficial understanding and lack of pious intuition that you only judge the outward appearances of plain man and plain wife.
Sickitten: open up that third eye and you would see at least the beauty of Chris Martin’s pure heart. Now Gwyneth GOOP is another story-but if she once was deemed worthy of Chris’s affections-then that is good enough for me.
I hesitate to lump you in with all those lunatics at coldplaying.com who lack even the good sense and manners to respond to chicks.dig.coldplay’s peace treaty overtures. I guess when you wank all day and night in mommy’s basement, it’s HARD to get anything else done except dirtying the pillowcases for mommy to wash when she gets home from the bars.
Take your Sickitten.com and go shove it! Father Drobbingdon -I am sure- would approve of this message. Viva!