The Church of Chris Martin AWARDS 2009
Think those knob heads at coldplaying.com are the only ones who can hand out Chris Martin awards for 2009? THINK AGAIN!
The Church of Chris Martin has seen a tremendous 2009-as we crown our 3rd Holy Saint; as our list of drooling ROCK STAR FRIENDS grow exponentially; we gasp in awe as the C:O:C: Girls Bust sizes expand almost as fast as the amount of antibiotics they must consume to stay afield of “viruses.” Father Drobbingdon climbed out of the closet… um… I mean cellar, and Mother Drobbingdon made him pay for that bunker time by turning into a first class SHREW! Divorce attorneys are salivating in anticipation of one messy divorce! Yes, Holy Church brethren & sistren, there is much to celebrate! Let Us Begin:
BEST SMILEY FACE: various basement-wankers from coldplaying.com — who give their imbecile-selves away with those dreadful yellow smiley faces on their inane posts & comments.
SEXIEST USER: That would have to automatically be the C:O:C: Girls — who have single-handedly revitalized this Great Sanctuary with their X-rated antics, stopped many a tour bus full of horny rock stars, & made Father Drobbingdon realize that Viagra is nothing to be ashamed of!
MOST IMPROVED: without a doubt, SAINT BONO! — Seething with jealousy earlier this year when Coldplay hauled all the good awards home - he even attempted to steal the Coldplay thunder at February’s Grammy Awards! But he must have had a revelation, since Saint Bono has purged his mouth of insults, and even lent the 360 Tour Jet to the boys when their tour plane conked out in Scandanavia. Now fully taken back back into the Church fold, we look forward to his attendance at Glastonbury Pilgrim’s invocation at Glastonbury 2010.
Faithful Award: BrotheRob — once another coldplaying freak but deemed too “weird” for even that defiled website, so of course he was welcomed here at the Church of Chris Martin. Count on this Brother to contribute a weekly or bi-weekly ode to nothing really and very obtuse and incomprehensible at that! Father Drobbingdon consider him to be like a son!
MOST PROLIFIC: chicks.dig.coldplay — lovely lady who worships the ground Chris Martin walks on. Always pining for the day that Chris leaves Gwyneth and makes an honest woman out of her. The Church hopes that “Chicks” is patient!
BEST CHURCH EVENT: Yellow Tent Event, Glastonbury 2009 — Muddy, Rainy, depraved, & Loads of Fun! Even the Vice cops admitted they enjoyed their “freebies”! Without a doubt, the cause of the largest increase in the sale of antibiotics and pregnancy tests in Britain for many a year!
Father Drobbingdon Award: again goes to FATHER DROBBINGDON! — The Face, the Heart, the Soul of this Sanctuary of Coldplay Love. A spiritual crisis of faith sent him into the bunker but he arose - resurrected - a new man. He wins the award in his name yet again & gives all of us hope that someday us simple Church devotees might aspire to be the Saint and Soul of Goodness (and Humbleness) that the Father embodies.
VIVA CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! Go in Peace & Humility! Praise All that is Coldplay and Glorify the HOLY ONE: Chris Martin for his is the Music of the Ages and forever more. Greet one another with a kiss (french) and know that the Prophet Martin will never be “Lost” and his “Strawberry Swing” never “Yellow” when “Clocks” strikes the hour of remittance. Viva!
December 20 2009 01:31 am | Church History and news
BrotheRob on 22 Dec 2009 at 3:21 am #
I always knew that one day I would attain immortality in this lifetime, and I look forward to that day. Meanwhile, I will clear off a place on the mantle for my award. Thank you Church of Chris Martin, I am truly betwitched and befuddled.
And so as we enter another year into a future that may not be habitable for all the furry little critters we see can see posing so serenitously with Saint Christopher, in the Garden of Eternal Harmonies… just beyond the River of Light, I wonder when Noah is a comin’ to rescue us from ourselves or at least save a few animals?
And it looks like the the Fear Council are bathtub psychics or more correctly armchair prophets when it comes to predicting ice and snow. It’s getting cold out there, must be an ice age coming.
But not to worry about a thing because if you close your eyes and pray to Santanta (the Latino version), you too can be blessed with the Spiritual presence of Saint Chris himself this bleak, scary and most frightening time of year, Christmas. And he is such a jolly gentleman this time of year, like Der Bingle was in “A White Christmas”. Always a good time he is.
I will leave you with an alien transmission I picked up using my MacStar Software. The alien life forms were reporting to their leaders in deep space about our race… “world leaders are simply too divided by distrust and outright hostility, by economic competition and ideological fervour, by the dire need for development and by recession fueled fears of economic decline - to have overcome their differences and concluded a firm deal.” It may as well have been an alien’s view of earthman. It was actually written by Shawn McCarthy about Copenhagen.
And so the task before The One True Prophet is greatly daunting and awesomely challenging, but rest assured Saint Chris and friends will slay all evil in this world. For that is his lot in life, to speak for the infinite. To spread light before darkness and uplift the human race. Or as Saint Chris might say: “You’re in control, where do you want to go?” What future will we create?
Merry Christmas
Sickitten.com on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:06 am #
You are all LOSERS for worshipping this plain man & is plain looking wife!
Spiritual Instructions per Father on 10 Feb 2010 at 5:55 am #
With Father Drobbingdon gone, we-Fellow Members in good standing-are now left to our own devices.
Therefore: Sickitten.com-YOU ARE A LOSER for desecrating kittens with your sickness. And it is proof of your superficial understanding and lack of pious intuition that you only judge the outward appearances of plain man and plain wife.
Sickitten: open up that third eye and you would see at least the beauty of Chris Martin’s pure heart. Now Gwyneth GOOP is another story-but if she once was deemed worthy of Chris’s affections-then that is good enough for me.
I hesitate to lump you in with all those lunatics at coldplaying.com who lack even the good sense and manners to respond to chicks.dig.coldplay’s peace treaty overtures. I guess when you wank all day and night in mommy’s basement, it’s HARD to get anything else done except dirtying the pillowcases for mommy to wash when she gets home from the bars.
Take your Sickitten.com and go shove it! Father Drobbingdon -I am sure- would approve of this message. Viva!
BrotheRob Music fan & True Widow on 26 Apr 2010 at 10:06 pm #
BROTHEROB deserved to win the Father Drobbingdon Award! From the very beginning of the Church -many different posters have come and gone.
Like a thief in the night, they strike-some with friendly greetings of support; others-like the nitwits and dim bulbs of coldplaying.com-with malicious mutterings of ill will & defilement.
But through it all-like a lighthouse beam on a foggy outcrop of despair-there exists a soul so faithful to Chris Martin-that he actually once assumed The Chris Martin identity and becomes: “The Real Chris Martin!” And other aliases as well.
A heart so full of love and yearning for Coldplay- He overcomes his own spiritual degradation and lame existence in DrugWars Vancouver B.C., to rise above his pathetic surroundings and become one musically in spirit with our Soul Master! BrotheRob is a Church Spiritual Warrior!
BrotheRob is in possession of a spirit so brimming with Coldplay LOVE that the Blessed True Widow seeks his comfort and goodwill. His power of Chris-ta-tude is on par with the Church Saints who ennoble and lead our Church-both on the earthly and heavenly planes of existence.
Saint Holy Cobain was so grateful to BrotheRob for his kinship and friendship with his True Widow-that The Grunge God reignited his earthly prominence into the re-engendered “Gibby” and sought to aid BrotheRob to get his Zero Act band together in Victoria B.C. Helping bands get good is nothing to the Great One from Seattle, but Cobain holds BrotheRob near and dear. BrotheRob may even be able to channel Holy Cobain on his ToneLab equipment.
If BrotheRob has a failing, and if he does it is one common to many men-it is that he seems to have a taste for females of “questionable repute.” As he himself has documented-he watches the whores and toothless junkies stroll by the abandoned factory and thinks lascivious thoughts! BrotheRob should hold himself out as deserving of a much better quality female: maybe one with teeth and no rap sheet!
A nice, wholesome groupie with a little class would be a good catch for this Brother! He should forget the hookers and crackheads when there are nice slutty girls he can meet at Coldplay shows! God Bless this Great Man of Chris-dom!-he is the heart-and-soul of the Church! Banished as “strange” from the threads and postings of our nemesis: coldplaying.com-he arrives triumphantly at the Church gates and is let in by Father Drobbingdon!
The Church of Chris Martin welcomes all–the “stranger, the better!” The Arch Pope-childless due to the icy reluctance of Mother Drobbingdon to have sex with him-claims BrotheRob has his own.
coldplaying.com’s loss is the Church’s gain and we have a valuable ally and exceptional writer and rambler in BrotheRob. It helps to be drunk or high to truly understand his “prose,” and many times his pithy statements go over the head’s of many Church members! No worries!
His mutterings so befuddle regular brains that it is prayed that Father Drobbingdon will decide to honor the great BrotheRob with a NEW TITLE-of which he can then go to the dingy bars and opium dens of DrugWars Vancouver & impress the riff-raff and women of ill repute that he loves to co-mingle with. Perhaps being titled in the Church of Chris Martin will even cause Peggy-who walks the Grizzly Bear trails without a bell-to come yonder to his come-hither glance and give BrotheRob the time of day! I-the True Widow do hereby request from Father Drobbingdon the Title of:
HIGH PRIEST BROTHEROB to honor both his status as one of the (almost) original Church members and also the fact that he does enjoy rolling joints and getting “high!”
All Hail the GREAT BROTHER-a spiritual son to Father Drobbingdon; a Blessed Brother-in Arms to the True Widow and a TRUE Friend to all Church Brethren & Sistren! He can enter the earthly mind of Chris Martin and come out the other side-posting thoughts privy only to BrotheRob himself-this is a blessing indeed. It is like prophecy and speaking-in-tongues–all rolled into one! This alone is proof of his mighty pedigree of which the Church seeks to honor today. Father Drobbingdon-wherever you are-PLEASE Make ready another formal solemnization to ecumenically introduce HIGHEST PRIEST ROB to one and all! Hallelujah and Amen! May You Go in Peace and Chris-Like Love! May the Spirit of Chris bless your days and guide your ways! May the best groupies smile at you and give you “piece” amidst the turmoil of this world. Viva!
BrothaRob on 27 Apr 2010 at 6:09 am #
BrotherRob hopes so also, but as I am back on my bike, have a new pad, eat well and get the look from mucho foxy ladies, I feel much better.
I was drifting away (from the site) there for awhile as I just moved and lost my life along the way somewhere. But all is now recovered and good news, I even figured out how to run te tonelab properly. so I will get some killer tunes up soon. I hope. I’ve decided to not compete with teen “singing sensation” Justin BeerBear (from Canda he is). He has a killer sound for a six year old.
I would be thrilled to somehow comfort The True Widow any way that can be. Maybe we can hook up at Glastonbury. I am thrilled at the prospect of becoming High Priest BrotherRob, but somehow do not feel inadequately messed up enough internally to qualify for the position let alone compete the mission.
All I can do is get inspired and pass it on. And in such a messed up world music has to be a good way to rise above it just a bit. People can be so f…ing viscious it is scary.
And you are right True Widow, I do deserve a princess but that is anther story altogether. Fortunately, the area I bought in is East Van and close to hookerville. A lot of women (not hookers) on “the drive” (the main drag around here) give me the look, so I know I can still attract someone worth my attention.
But where is father Drobbindon and his wisdom gone? No one can replace that. He put a lot of heart into what he wrote. Not always pleasnat but who is? Reading his posts was like a new day on earth where every colour was a note and every note a part.
So Brotherrob still continues his “Mission Du’Acualitee”. On the one hand I am driven to move forward with music, and on the other find a kind curvascious and “pieceful” sweetheart who can help me be a better man. I’m sure both dreams will manifest.
Until then remember this, you are better off smoking “Draino” than the “pot’ they grow these days. When I was a kid we smoked pot together as a group socially and listend to frank Zappa - now I smoke pot alone because I have no friends, feel terribly alone and Frank Zappa IS dead. Where is George Orwell when you need him?
Not quite but it’s not worth the trip you might say. I have to get off my butt now and go find MSS Right. I’m sure my new Mitsubishi Lancer Sportback with lame factory radio will impress them.
Until then, may the Chris be with you and thereby prevent all manner of sticky slimey scum from the deep swamps of hell here on earth - from adhering to your soul and accidentally burning a hole right through it to heaven. Viva La Music and The True Widow.
There’s a wild wind blowing down the corner of my street
Every night there’s a headlights glow’n
There’s a cold world coming on the radio I heard
Baby it’s a violent world
What a work of art this song is.
May you live long and be happy Chris Martin, and in the time you are here teach us what is beauty, what is permanent and what is true. And may the torch of Infinitival Wonder guide your life along the way. Amen Lawrence.