The True Widow goes to Jail!
As is her prerogative, the True Widow has taken it upon herself to help prove - along with Father Drobbingdon - that the C:O:C girl dance association is one that can help protect a member when she finds herself in trouble. Now many would scoff at this fact being included as a “benefit,” but the world of escorts, strippers, and hookers is a dirty and dangerous one and sometimes, through no fault of their own, the ladies may have a bad turn of events, and land in the pokey. Fear not, jailbirds - help is at hand!
Today the True Widow decided she would go behind bars. Now, this fine lady has never had the honor of being locked-up before, but if it concerns the betterment of the Church, the True Widow is immediately game. And so it goes that she found herself getting booked and mug-shot (in an undercover capacity, obviously) and taken on the perp’s walk through the prison maze, amid taunts, catcalls, and obscenities. The True Widow held her head high and entered her shared cell.
Immediately there was a confrontation with a very Butch-looking prison matron who took a liking to the Widow’s lovely persona. But the Widow was ready! In her best rapper voice, she spits out: “What youze lookin at, Bitch? I throwdown with them COC girls over at the Church of Chris Martin!” Of course this seemed absurd because The Widow is an intelligent, well-spoken individual, but she was “acting” now to elicit a response and gauge reactions to COC girl gang protection claims. The Dyke drew back and exclaimed: “Oh yeah,” and seemed interested but not aggressive any more. It seems to work just has Father Drobbingdon as claimed - there is magic and power in the words themselves!
A little bit trickier was an encounter out in the exercise yard on the second day, whereby a group of masculine street gals came upon the Widow as she was enjoying the fresh air and concrete. One of the meaner and uglier ones drew out a shank to cut the True Widow’s lovely face all up, but again in a display of sheer righteousness of words the Widow exclaimed: “Stop what you are doing for the glory and good of COCs everywhere!” Like magic, the fearsome coven of carpet-munchers stepped back, and retreated to their Megan Fox calenders. The True Widow was again triumphant!
Now, the True Widow is no shrinking violet - she has had many run-ins with the”original widow”, some of which ended up being litigated. Fights and power struggles are nothing new to her, and she does possess a combative tendency. These interactions, however, were great instruction on how one is to behave as a COC girl, when put in a compromising position. Stay Calm, Stand Tall, Stay Firm & drop the Church moniker as often as needed, to protect life, liberty and expensive breast implants once behind the jail walls.
Church members: pray that The True Widow will prosper in jail and come out soon to continue to led Church Chris-tians on to higher ground. Amen.
September 04 2009 11:54 am | Church History and news
The True Widow Speaks from Behind the Bars that Chain Her Soul on 05 Sep 2009 at 7:47 pm #
Greetings to all Beloved Brethren, Holy Elders, Father Drobbingdon, & various panting BIG ROCK STARS: It is I -The True Widow with a brief moment in time behind bars to check my emails and send out best wishes to all from behind enclosed doors!
Prison Matron Mabel has graciously allowed me a few moments on her laptop–NO, NOT THAT LAPTOP! But a workable one in her office and I appreciate the kind gesture. There is much to tell and all of it is good!
Father Drobbingdon: I have organized a PRISON C:O:C: girls club here at the Dept. of Corrections and these lovely ladies have learned some Coldplay songs and basic dance moves. They show great signs of creative artistic merit and potential and my heart is heartened by their zeal and love for the Great One. Prison Matron Mabel has even okayed some girls to come on her computer and vote for Holy Cobain Sainthood . Also important is a perusal of our website to familiarize themselves with what is expected of them as potential C:O:C’s.
Yes-even behind bars, any C:O:C: girl is expected to uphold a certain sanctification and behave properly-as is mandated by the Most High Cobain-he of Guitar Hero 5 fame! Even some of the more wild and crazy female prisoners have become less agitated by exposure to the gentle stirrings of Coldplay songs and I have posted the most flattering photos of Beloved Chris Martin all over my cell walls-with the okay of my friendly cell-mate-Butch Betsy.
Some of the gals who only liked females now seen to have a yen for Chris, so Father Drobbingdon, I do believe Chris Martin has the soul power and ability to turn gay to straight. That is all together another test case that I best leave to my MOR C:O:C: affiliates over on the Men’s side. The Penis Duty and the Prison C:O:C: test were enough for me and I miss my True Love Rapture who is my Heart’s Desire!
Bless this Great Church–for everyday is a new day where new wonderful things are discovered for the betterment of all who Love and Listen to Coldplay.
coldplaying.com COULD NEVER make the Holy Claim that their website adherents have the ability to turn gay gals to the other side of the coin! This is something truly original and blessed and only FROM THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! Hallelujah! Glory to prison heterosexuality–at least as long as I’m behind bars!!! Amen. (Praise be & thanks to the Prison Matron for the use of her laptop!) NO-NOT THAT ONE!
Barb Wired on 08 Sep 2009 at 7:00 pm #
Hey-whaz up fools!
I juz gots me released from that Corrections hell-hole, but I haves some good newz for ya’ll about stuff likes the COC prison girlies are havin a show rights now for the men wardens ands guards.
The Cobains Widow made them promoise if the girlies did a good shows, that all them hoes in the jail gets to watch movies and take extra long showers-no peeping by the guards allowed.
This widow is stirrin lots of shits up but it alls good. The warden really digs her cuz shes all funny but wants a COC group to bust some moves outs and learn to sings some songs like glasses of water. Drobbingdons gonna cum up & see if them girlies got the goods (big boobs) to really join on up. Some of them girlies stuffed there bras with toilets papers to get big. Sorry honey-Widow will check to sees if
its fa real or not?
So I be goin along now to visit my probation officer and get them ankle monitor cuts offed. Every one know that the widow is fine and she says whaz up to BrotherRob and the horny goats of Glastonbury too.
Later. xxx Barb Wired xxx
BrotherOb on 18 Sep 2009 at 11:51 pm #
Everyone should experience the other side of the bars at least once in a lifetime?
We are, we all are are… and it’s called the world of duality, and I really wish that was some concept I had no clue as to what it meant… instead of something I feel in my heart and know in my mind to be the way this universe has arranged itself, as we perceive it… so to speak.
Also, the earth form know as “Gibby” or the Son Of Cobain, was a no show last weekend which is just as well as I was still not right about the *Tonelab (?) / but *that also I have really got down now and am glued to it like barnacle to stone.
I will setup another date with Gibby and reality will unfold as it will.
The True Widows bit on / in jail with the Ladies struck a Chord with me as I once live in a shop I had (making veneered furniture) in the downtown lower eastide here where all the ladies work. In the foreground was a scap metal yard with chain link razor wire topped fencing and beyond that the Rogers Sugar building. The building was ancient and looked like some scene out of a Dickens story.
What really got me about the 2 years I lived there was that there was SO MUCH PAIN. I came to call it the the Land of The Unloved. Somewere along the line, someone failed these people in some way and they now look for peace at the end of a needle or worse.
That’s not to say all are like that, some were university girls. And some were like Julue who I fell for bad but would not do even when she fundamentally offered herself for free. Like a complete idiot, I told her she did not have to buy my love or affection with sex… even if it was only ten bucks for both.
I now regret that decision as Julie looked like and had a figure similar too LIZ TAYLOR MEETS SOPHIA LOREN (with a few teeth missing). Oh well, we all have to live with our mistakes don’t we.
There is no bad music this group can make, so I am sure the next cd will be a complete work of art like they all have been.
Is (was?) Wembley their last show for a while? I’m fading here and must attend to Lawrence the magic cat who needs my attention.
May the Coldplay / Chris protect and be with you as nothing else in this world will.
The True Widow Speaks: on 19 Sep 2009 at 3:48 pm #
BrotherRob: Why is it possible for the most Blessed vestiges of love words to pour out of your mouth? They make NO SENSE and yet they MAKE COMPLETE SENSE-they are senselessly sensitive. I believe Lawrence the Magic Cat has embued you with cognitive feline-itis-which is true cat love & benevolence flooding your soul with words & a spirit of magic!
No wonder you always speak of Drug Wars Vancouver-you lived it, man-and probably still do. The True Widow is honored that you thought of her burden when you saw the toothless female streetwalkers-(and even the one you thought about poking?) But for the record-I have an excellent set of teeth and have spent lots of time and lucre keeping them white & nice. Not that being toothless is bad-it works just fine for some of the more popular C:O:C: girls in the bushes!
However-the ragged chain link fence, desolate scrap metal building & abandoned Rogers Sugar building cried out to me as well-that those places are symbols for the debauched lives that saunter by it-selling themselves for a needle or penis fix!
Yes-the True Widow understands your pain and that there are a lot of “abandoned people” out there in Drug Wars Vancouver that got the short end of the life stick!
Please don’t give up on Gibby-i.e., regenerated Cobain. He is probably very elusive right now what with all that Guitar Hero 5 stuff going on. Plus Cretin Courtney is on the warpath and is planning to release that terrible “No Daughter Hell” album finally & that has Holy Kurdt in a curdle! Keep writing songs with Lawrence the Cat & I will keep the candle burning at the Cobain shrine for Music Guidance! Seek the Great Grunge God’s earthbound spirit yet again..in a place where no one is around to gawk. Have your songs ready-to-go. Even try and get a few gigs lined up to brag about so Gibby/Kurt knows you are for real. Make sure you got the ToneLab thing down so you don’t look like am amateur!
Please do not despair, Holy BrotherRob-Father Drobbingdon is out of the bunker and into another kind of domestic Hell with Mother Drobbingdon!
I have been released from my (supposed) pimp-killing punishment behind bars & soaring in a new love-heaven with my one-and-only (new) soul-mate!
The C:O:C: girls continue to conquer the world of stopping tour busses and endless pandering to man’s baser desires! The Male MOR C:O:C:’s are getting a load of just what their Holy name implies. Even the regular Men’s C:O:C:’s are getting off the ground!
What can I say about the Holy Glastonbury 3-they are their own drooling, panting Rock Stars in their own deluded minds!
Best of all-BrotherRob: go follow the fools over at coldplaying.com! They are just ridiculous in their Coldplay-crazed Twitter photos and posts-embarrassing the band and their fans with their nitwit shenanigans and GUSHING endlessly about yellow glow sticks and lining up at what gate at Wembley Stadium! The World that sees this will now know what the Great Church of Chris Martin has been insisting is true for years: coldplaying.com is a bunch of basement-dwelling wankers who have NO LIFE, so they make such a BIG DEAL about Coldplay-to the misery & embarrassment of all!
However, as I have noted on our FaceBook page-being that the Church of Chris Martin is full of love, devotion, and a true yearning for the musical knowledge that the Great One-Chris Martin offers the world-I say let us hold off this weekend on castigating coldplaying.com and let them enjoy their little Coldplay adventure at Wembley! WE-however-will be at the YELLOW TENT EVENTS-shagging out those C:O:C: girls, grabbing Euro’s galore for our hot T-shirts and thongs, & stopping yet another tour bus to pander to the lowest common denominator of drooling BIG ROCK STARS who seek sexual enlightenment at our sanctuary! Lest we forget: the Holy Pilgrims 3 of Glastonbury-who will prevail in ERECT love for all that is Coldplay..soon!
Bless this Great Church! Bless the Great but hen-pecked Father Drobbingdon. Be glad-Brother-that a shrewish woman doesn’t have you by the balls & twisting in a hellish nightmare of domestic matriarchy and penance for VD-ing! Be happy I-the True Widow has arose from the ashes of my soul in that great pit of Lesbo’s-prison! Have faith that the next “concept” Coldplay album will feature all the songs and melodies we have gifted Chris Martin with AND WE PROMISE NOT TO SUE! God is great! BrotherRob: you go get Gibby/Cobain and tell him for me if he dares to lay a hand on that festering vagina of a TRUE SKANK: Ms. She-Devil Love, I will personally come find him in British Columbia and give him a heart-shaped swift kick to those re-gendered nuts!
GOD BLESS ALL! Happy Wembley weekend to those who LOVE Chris Martin and Coldplay! Amen.
BrotherOb on 22 Sep 2009 at 5:47 am #
Blame it on the pot I guess and over time BrotherOb has learned to embrace each moment and discovered that nothing can annihilate me with the worst case scenario I cry a little. Other than that I have become quite functional over time. The sum total of who I am vrs what I have lived through equals what I feel and say now, I guess.
When I was thirty … I met this guy who was a Christian etc and we were talking one day and he shared his experience with me about Jesus etc.
He told me at such an age he found Jesus and I replied with , when I was ten I wanted to talk with God, not believe in God or Jesus, I wanted answers.
So who I am is a function of everyhting I ever was and what I have been through in this life, like all of you. The great thing about the net I guess is you can find a place to add your self to a greater whole.
If you believe there are different states of consciousness and that consciousness is actually the filter which creates heaven or helll, then you have to wonder how close to God are the great composers of time. Based on what they can make you feel? Human potential is limitless.
Why are some people a living moral compass expressed through some art form or other… and others / all of us are the story/play itself which makes up the full spectrum of human history?
All I know is that in times like this which have always been and probably always will be, for what ever divine reason that is, there will always be souls in this world who have discovered in themselves the power to touch the hearts of others.
And of all the ways to communicate that experience of unity or whatever you call it, music surely has to be one of the most intimate and powerful ways of doing that.
I will not give up on Gibby, maybe my next bit on myspace will interest him. I’m a desperate case and I always have been, who is’nt? And like our dearly beloved Chris Martin, I too have hope that oneday the sun will cone out, in my case on this world. I too hope that one day what is now upside down, will one day become rightside up.
But what I also want to say True Widow is that what if most politicians were only there becuase in truth they were just low level psychopaths who craved attention and acceptance and the public good / future world was something they just sold to the higest bidder from the pirate sector?
And what if all the experts on climatye change were proven wrong by a Cosmos so powerful that it can even bend and break the laws of Nature, because it is Nature.
I am becoming increasingly convinced as time marches forward / oh and times a loaded gun, something really catastrophic might happen on earth. Armageddon is so much more bearable with good music, life would be so barren without it.
In conclunsion I must say that although some of what I do here may be entertaining or meaningfull to some, that was never my intention and I apologize sincerely to those silent others I have may have harmed psychically or possibly permanently scarred emotionally with my meaningless and heartless rhetoric.
I have hope, but if humanity does pull out of this spiritual nosedivbe we are in, it may only be from the efforts of those in this world who care enough about it to fight with passion to save it from those who belive the value of life is something you can add up in dollars at the end of the day, and then hire men with guns to protect you and your security from those who covet your gold/security. What age are we living in? What version of civilization is this?
God bless Coldplay / Chris Martin and all those who work for a wolrd of light, love and beautiful COC women.
And until that day arrives (maybe today?) then it is lessons of life vol 6, chapter four, verse 3, line 1… and the Lord sayeth unto humanity in that time of maximum confusion: “in your darkest hour of the soul I send myself unto you in the form of Chris, and did you know me in my disguise?
BrotherOB is making very little sense now and must make vittels for himself and my live-in spiritual guide Lawrence the magic cat who taught me that cat love is purrr fect. And then I must check the tour schedule and maybe fly to Wembley?
May the Chris be with you True Widow and all believers as you turn to face the wind.
Ps. you too can write crap like me if you smoke enough pot and more recently drink a little ShiraZ. And you can even do it on a very cool / fun website dedicated to the most dynamically charged band of our times…. Say what you may about them and their music, but you can never say they did not live their lives and talent beyond the limit.