TRUE WIDOW: MY PRISON MEMORIES!
Yes, my days of incarceration are thankfully over, but many happy memories were made and good friends discovered behind those bars of steel!
Lest you think the True Widow yearns for those days in sequestration-think again! I did it for the holiest and mightiest of reasons - to enable the Church of Chris Martin to ascertain without question that there is spiritual ennobling power when certain words are uttered in a righteous manner. There is now no doubt in my mind that Father Drobbingdon - despite his voluntary deportation to the rat-infested bunker - knew from what he speaks.
When confronted with danger, despair, the threat of a knife or gun in your backside or at your most valuable possession - your DD Breast Implants - remember this Blessed Technique: in your most confident voice, proclaim the Power of Chris (POC) and demand that for the grace of Coldplay and the COC girls: STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY!
It worked like a charm in prison and I can’t begin to tell you how many Lesbos and gang-banging chicks I was able to dissuade from impaling me with a shank or a big DILDO!
Thankfully, I had gotten my fill of large male organs at the MOR COC finalists contest whereby I had to gaze steadily and analyze a steady stream of penises, so I was expressly eager to avoid what a lot of the gay prison gals carry around to make friends with! The True Widow has also found her new true love and wishes to remain pure in thought and chaste in deed until they can resume their great and glorious love affair of the ages!
However, with that thought in mind, I can say for sure that many locked-up ladies do exhibit the potential character traits and bodily assets that Father Drobbingdon has insisted is necessary for a true C:O:C: candidate to exhibit: that is the standardized ratio of IQ to be no more than doubled the true breast size! It could be stated that the lower IQ is what got a lot of the jail-birds in the prison nest in the first place, but whatever the reason, they are able to surmount their surroundings and with true Church Love & inspiration: DANCE & DECIPHER the puzzles, codes, mysteries, and inscrutableness of Chris Martin lyrics and songs.
I shall bid farewell to my many friends, foremost of which is Prison Matron Mabel who so graciously allowed my usage of the jailhouse computer to stay in touch with the world-at-large and also continue my quest to have the prison inmates vote for Holy Cobain sainthood. There are the girlfriends: Butch Betsy and Lucy Lou, who now are more sexually confused than ever after having glimpsed my collection of flattering Chris Martin photos. These 2 gals now THINK they just might be BI-SEXUAL after falling in love with Chris on my wall! To think of the SOUL POWER of Chris Martin - able to turn two Dashing Dykes into penis territory - powerful stuff!
The prison crew I threw down with also included Barb Wired, who just received her parole and hit the road yesterday. She seemed a little high-strung, but once you got to know her she was a very nice person. We shared many a cup of kool-aid in the prison cafeteria and she promised me that she would send a message to the world for me once out of her jailhouse attire and ankle restraints. There was a male warden named Nigel - who I came to a sort of understanding with - in regard to the COC girls practicing their dance moves and singing skills. At first this powerful fellow refused to accede to my requests of time allowed to get the girls together and organized so that they would be ready for Father Drobbingdon’s visit of appraisal. An agreement was eventually hammered together that said that all the guards and wardens would get a special private COC prison girl performance in exchange for more movies and shower time for the girls.
Never let it be said that all guards, wardens, and prison power-mongers are mad, lascivious characters - only a few of them are. It has been my experience that the prison experience is an eye-opening experience that all of us should someday experience.That being said, I bid adieu to all my new friends and acquaintances made at the Dept. of Corrections. I promised the girls I would be back for a visit and to pass out gifts and candy at the Holidays. God Bless these wonderful women, whose only desire - as is ours also - is to worship and proclaim the Goodness and Talent of the Great One: Chris Martin.
Hallelujah. Amen!
September 14 2009 01:40 pm | news
Wembley Wrangler on 16 Sep 2009 at 5:07 pm #
Here Ye Here Ye All Church Members and Erect Pilgrims!
Wembley Stadium COLDPLAY concerts are almost upon us and that means just 3 THINGS to remember:
Y E L L O W T E N T E V E N T S ! !
Get your yellow glow sticks and come on out to stick it to the HOLY PILGRIMS 3: In their TENT OF HONOR-the first YELLOW tent that is large enough to contain their burgeoning egos and hearty ERECTIONS of LOVE for the band-Coldplay! They will be co-mingling, high-fiving & generally flirting with anything in a skirt plus they have many of their HOLY PILGRIMS 3 clothing line at half price!
JUST SAY NO TO VD!
Please Help With Our Erections!
I Just Had a BUSH ADVENTURE with a COC Girl!
Father Drobbingdon-Come Out of the Closet!
All the wonderful retail items that you have longed for! New to the Yellow Tent: A YELLOW “Snuggie” with a discreet hole cut in the lower regions to accomodate that Holy Pilgrim Erection!
NEXT UP: Remember this adage-”it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.” Those rascally MOR C:O:C: men have gotten under Father Drobbingdon’s thin skin so much that he was forced to okay them their own YELLOW TENT with which they will be foisting all kinds of unwholesome limp-wrist activities on the Church proper. Still we are “politically-correct,” & must welcome these pansies into the greater CHURCH FOLD. But heed this admonishment: no young attractive male teens should venture near this YELLOW TENT-that is if they value the sanctity of their nether regions! Church of Chris Martin warning:
only 21 and over for this tent. Wear an adult diaper to prevent unwanted entry, & NO FEMALES ALLOWED!(Their clothing line for sale @ C:O:C: Girl tent!)
Lastly and with great heaving bosoms full of DD implants, I am pleased to announce the RETURN of the C:O:C: girls-those lovely lasses of long-gone virginity! Yes-the original bunch will be out-splendid in YELLOW BIKINI’s and pasties with Chris Martin featured in the bull’s eye! No doubting who these loose honeys want to NURSE to sleep! They will be featuring their “BUSH ADVENTURES-” where for an additional donation to Father Drobbingdon’s Divorce Endowment-you will be able to pull a ticket out of a USED C:O:C: bra & panty set & win whatever
“Coldplay LOVE Offering” is listed on the ticket. I cannot go into details regarding this but husbands and gay gals-leave your better halves at home-to take full advantage of this offer!
Yes-the glorious groupies will be stopping tour buses and looking for horny drooling rock stars to “Church Outreach” to & speak and tell of the delights of COLDPLAY. They also will be offering their own merchandise for sale in the YELLOW TENT:
C:O:C: Girls give EVERYONE a WHIRL!
Thank God the Test was Negative!
Oh no-NOT Sheppard’s Pie Again!
An Erect Pilgrim is a Gift to the World!
OUR Teeth is bad because of what we put into our mouths!
FATHER DROBBINGDON-DIVORCE THAT SHREW & MARRY ME!
ALL HALF OFF-INCLUDING COLDPLAY CONDOMS!
MOR C:O:C: Men-
We Bend Over for Coldplay!
Please Help With Our Manchester United Man Love Erections!
Rear Entry & No EXIT for Coldplay!
GIVE HEAD for Glastonbury Memorial!
ALL HALF OFF-including Chris Martin leather Doggie Collar!
IT WILL BE GLORIOUS! ONE TENT WILL BE KINDA GAY! The other tents HOT BEDS of incideniary SEX, SEX, & ERECT SEX! Father Drobbingdon MUST BE REMEMBERED HERE for his great masterful management of this HOLY CHURCH OF DEVOTION. Now just a shell of a man-and hen-pecked to the extreme by his obese ogre of a wife-who I must now compare to the Vicious Vagina of Death and the original harridan-Courtney Love!
Father has left the Rat Bunker of his Soul to come up to yet another Bunker of Despair that is commanded by a shrew no less! Please one and all-this will be a MESSY DIVORCE-be generous with your tithes of LOVE on the Great Arch Pope’s behalf!
Hope to SEE YOU ALL OUT on Empire Way-in rapture at the COLDPLAY music that is to follow, & the adventures that await in these YELLOW tents. Remember to be discreet in your tales of what goes on in there-behind the yellow curtain. Particularly to the police and vice squad!
All HAIL THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN!
ALL BOW DOWN in extreme repose to the GREAT ONE!
Pray for guidance to Holy Assistant & Pre-Saint Cobain for musical witness & wisdom re: “concept album.”
God Bless the GREAT FIGHT & HOLY WAR against coldplaying.com. WE WILL TRIUMPH on the internet!
HAVE FUN @ WEMBLEY! HAVE FUN C:O:C:-ing & Pilgrim-Erectioning! Viva Chris Martin in infinity!
Twitterer of Late on 17 Sep 2009 at 6:48 pm #
WARNING! ATTENTION: CHURCH MEMBERS!
coldplaying.com is on a rampage!
Those wacky wankers are so excited about the upcoming Coldplay shows that a few of the less stable ones have climbed up on roofs in London & are THROWING THINGS at passer-bys!
I SAW IT ON TWITTER!
THEY SENT ME A LINK AS A GESTURE OF GOOD FAITH toward the Church of Chris Martin! But I really think they are trying to sabotage our Church.
If they know you are a Blessed member of this Holy congregation, who knows what the mental cases on the roof might throw at you?
Church members; LAY LOW while these Coldplay shows play themselves out! Soon the coldplaying.com head cases will be carted back to the insane asylum and life can continue uninterrupted by balloons and flowers being foisted upon unknowing pedestrians!
CHURCH DEVOTEES: STAY STRONG! STAND FIRM!
C:O:C: Girls: PROTECT YOUR BOSOMS!
Coldplaying.com is on the loose!
Tent Advocate of Empire Way on 20 Sep 2009 at 3:52 pm #
Greetings to the Brethren, Sistren,& Assorted Friends of the Church!
I am here to issue a report to the Holy Elders and Arch Pope Father on issues relating to the recently concluded festivities at Wembley Stadium. Coldplay played to over 70,000 people each night here and bid farewell to the fans before they take a well-deserved hiatus in preparation for their upcoming “Concept” album. There have been whisperings regarding a Latin American tour, and many complaints from Florida fans at Coldplay
CANCELLING their postponed Tampa gig! We shall see how this all plays out.
As far as Yellow Tent Event happenings-there is much to report. Firstly-the MOR C:O:C: Men were successful in cultivating their FIRST BIG CELEBRITY FRIEND! When Julian the hairdresser was cruising the Park restrooms, he came upon none other than George Michael–and invited him back to the MOR C:O:C: tent, where the former Wham-er was hit upon numerous times by the gayblades-much to his delight. Yes-”Careless Whispers” indeed to “Wake Me up Before you Go-Go!”
The C:O:C: Girl’s indefatigable spirit-despite the drenching rain and mud was in evidence here! These comely lasses won’t let a little dirt or slop stop them from having a good time-in fact the girls made the most of a bad situation and had a good, old-fashioned MUD BATH fight for charity! The winner got to pick the passing tour bus full of her choice-full of panting ROCK STARS! Unfortunately, this wasn’t the bus hauling Coldplay, but the mud victor had a great time spreading her Church joy around never-the-less!
Here is a little aside that might interest the Holy Elders-who are ceaseless and unremitting in their quest to supersede coldplaying.com on the internet front! Father Drobbingdon-tied to Mother Drobbingdon’s apron strings-quietly asked me to set-up a “TALK DOWN” tent and we put the word out to gatherings of acne-scarred, overweight coldplaying.com habitues picnic-ing in the Park.
Are you tired of being just another useless thread or comment in the coldplaying.com coven of losers?
Want to experience life in all its fullness of desire (C:O:C:)? Want to know what it’s like to be ERECT at Glastonbury as opposed to another cog in the coldplaying.com wheel? How about some REAL ROCK ‘N’ ROLL friends–ones who have lived the ROCK LIFE (and lived to tell about it!) Mingle with BrotherRob-he of the upcoming ROCK sensation: Rob Driscoll/Gibby band..out of Vancouver, B.C.! Talk with the True Widow and let her fill your ears with REAL tour bus escapades and backstage shenanigans!
Even Father Drobbingdon is sure to inspire with his deliciously ironic wit & wisdom!
Using these Church of Chris Martin All-Stars, the Nut Doctors volunteering their services were able to “talk down” the coldplaying.com heretics and gently guide and fold them into the Church mantle. Yes-they were loopy to begin with, but using a Holy diet full of Coldplay music, Chris Martin witticisms, and 24 hours of non-stop Coldplay lyrical guidance, plus a “visit” in the PRIVATE YELLOW TENT from a C:O:C: “artiste” of their choosing, we were able to “turn” quite a few over to the Church. I personally-never realized their were so many VIRGINS left in the world!
Let it never be said that those MOR C:O:C: Men and sexually vivacious C:O:C: women ARE NOT fully devoted to the Church. These dedicated men and women WILL DO ANYTHING for the Church and they are an invaluable asset in promoting our causes worldwide.
Yes-the 2 Coldplay Wembley shows are now a thing of the past! But if you Twitter-you were aghast at the beastly doings of coldplaying.com in celebration of these momentous occasions! Picnics in the Park! Queue-ing up in Lines & Twittering about it! Scampering up on rooftops in the UK and throwing flowers and balloons at innocent passers-by! Twitting pics of drunken champagne binges and obscene girlfriend “hugs” that look pornographic-these are the doings of the Satanists and defilers over on the “other side of Coldplay.”
Church-NEVER let an opportunity to grab a few of these black-robed imbeciles go by-without using whatever means at your disposal for Church glory!
We will triumph in infinity over them, but until that time comes IT IS YOUR CHURCH DUTY TO DO YOUR UTMOST IN A SANCTIFIED SPIRIT OF MARTIN LOVE–TO GRAB A FEW OF THESE DEVILS & MAKE THEM JOIN OUR RANKS! It is a “HOLY WAR,” as stated by The Arch Popes “Words of Indoctrination” and we must march in lockstep to overcome this coldplaying.com scourge of iniquity on the good name of Coldplay!
CHURCH MEMBERS UNITE! UNITE IN ONE LOVE WITH EVERYONE! Follow the libertine examples of the Holy Pilgrims 3, the MOR C:O:C: Men & C:O:C: Girls-FREE LOVE to help OVERCOME the blasphemers and naysayers known as coldplaying.com! AMEN.