What the Stars are saying about the Church of Chris Martin
Bono out of U2: “He’s a good melodist, but he’s a wanker. He’s obviously a completely dysfunctional character and a cretin, but he happens to be a great melodist and up there with Paul McCartney, Nate Dogg and Mark King.”
David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff: “I love those guys. I mean I really dig them. That’s a cool thing to say, right? Everybody?”
Tom “The Crew” Cruise: “Fuck Scientology!”
Miley Cyrus: “In my other life, I would definitely be, like, Chris Martin’s dream girl. He’s awesome, he’s, like, the most amazing performer. When I went to a show, he was like a saint.”
Robert “Syndrome” Downey, Jr.: “He’s a skinny guy. Like the skinniest guy I ever met, right? He’s got ribs like a toast rack in a condom. Skinny, period. But I could play a skinny guy. I should play a skinny guy…”
Kate Moss: “Fuck Coke!”
Barack Obama: “Where do you think I got the idea to save the world? Now get that muthafuckin microphone outta my mothafuckin face!”
Fran Healy out of Travis: “Chris Martin doesn’t sleep. If you plugged him in you could power a small Scottish town with all of his energy. He helped me reconstruct my tepee.”
Osama “the Bin” bin Laden: “Fuck Islam!”
March 06 2009 08:00 am | Did you know!? and news
chrissie martin on 11 Mar 2009 at 12:48 pm #
Saint Bono: How do you think God feels about you calling Chris Martin a “wanker” and “cretin?” Thank the Lord you didn’t mention that he’s losing his hair!
You can travel the world promoting the Hell out of “No Line on the Horizon” but God has Chris Martin’s back. No words will be allowed to DEFILE His hallowed earthly body. His legion of “holler-rollers” will see to that..and that the GOOD WORD of Chris Martin will shine upon the earth. On the DAY OF RAPTURE, it will be his visage that will float above the earth-singing “Yellow” as the Day of the Lord approaches. Best to be bidding your time QUIETLY-Saint Bono..counting your bankrolls at your “Villa” in France near the Pitt-Jolies!
Anonymous on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:57 am #
I LOVE CHRIS MARTIN
Anonymous on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:58 am #
CHRIS(L)
The Real Chris Martin on 14 Mar 2009 at 8:11 am #
You know, I do not really care what the stars think of me because I know I am fabulously talented and that’s all that matters, that and money. Money makes my world go round.
Speaking of which, I want all of you, my true devoted few, to watch with me (in spiritata of course), a very disturbing video on the internet called “Money as Debt”.
This is one scary video which tells the story of currency, bankers and all things thoroughly evil and subhuman, and why we should shoot them all immediately, before they issue any more credit…
Which it turns out, is nothing more than your promise to pay them back, with?, the credit they issue out of their big black magic bankers hat of course.
I’m also glad to hear that one of our most humble and pious fans, Brother Rob, who is an up and coming Artist in His Own Mind, was able to buy a ticket for one of our great traveling music shows for only $5000.00 Canadian, from our good friends at “resale tickets r’us”, or, as Popeye would say, “shoot the bankers. Nothing but a scurvy on my spinach they are.”
Seriously, if you want to be emotionally impaired for the rest of your life, watch the video Money as Debt, it will make you wonder why we even have politicians, when the bankers are already doing such a good job of CONTROLLING EVERYTHING…
Well, I gotta go now, the peyote I took earlier is starting to come on and I can hear Geronimo calling me now for directions on how to lead his people out this mess…
As Always and Forever / With Love and Deep Affection / Wishing You a Very Happy Day / The Real
Chris Martin / I Think
The Real Chris Martin on 21 Mar 2009 at 12:32 am #
It matters not what the stars are saying about Chris Martin, because MY FATHER IN CREATION, created all you see and cannot see, including all the little stars you see twinkling way above you through your drunken hangover, you vile, evil, and morally filthy humans.
Ooops! Someone sounds a little angry don’t they, has anyone seen Stuart Smileys number around here?
Seriously though, the reason I say God lives in my head, is because he actually lives in my ceiling, all ceilings actually. I learned this when I was a little boy attending church (before my church / but after Christ). We all look up because God lives in the church ceiling, right?
Or at the end of a Taliban scimitar? Ooops you just lost your head and ruined the world by greed, or as they say more truthfully in the TV ADDS “WE EARN OUR MONEY THE OLD FASHION WAY… WE ROB YOU” (because, as it turns out oddly enough… we agree to let them? Sound Wacko Jocko? Yeah? Watch a video on the net called, Money is Debt / very scary viewing / especially for a cartoon).
My absolute favourite TV show on TV is “The Oracle with Max Keiser (no relation to the German Keisers). It appears to be a light hearted and humane attempt to poke fun at the bankers and the other creeps who ruined the world.
What are we all going to do now that “THE WORLD IS BROKEN” and they can’t print enough cash or give out credit fast enough to feed THE MONSTER THAT ATE THE WORLD? Where is Humpty Dumpty when you need him?
But that is why I look up at my ceiling when I talk to God, because GOD DOES ACTUALLY LIVE IN MY CEILING, yours too, all you have to do is… look inside.
I just hope our dear devoted fans have enough bank credit on hand to buy our concert tickets, because collectively we are so much in debit from all the really bad record deals we made with the BANKS on the other ten cds we made before we finally broke through (one contract says that if we end up a huge succes… they own us?)
So unless we make fifty billion dollars (cash only the bank said) by April fools day, 20,011, they are going to repossess my house, my car… and my pinao.
And then sell it for whatever they can fetch on “The Open Market” which I guess is some flea market or something.
Are they creeps or what, no hearts to me, take away Chris Martins piano, well, THAT’S JUST NOT DONE ON MOST PLANETS I INCARNATE ON.
How do we tour if I do not have a piano any more??
So on behalf of the group and I, we are asking you to watch a VIDEO ON THE INTERNET CALLED, MONEY AS DEBT. It scared the hell out of me, and it will you also, or you you have ice in your veins maybe?
And then once you have watched the video, go out and kill all the bankers, because they have wrought RUIN AND HELL ON THIS WORLD.
And they will pay on the “installment” plan, as the tide of anger grows around the world, and talk in America of shooting AIG employees and other Wall Street creeps, turns from rhetoric to reality.
Well, gotta go now and watch that creepy video again, before I go out and kill that banker who wants to repo my f…ing piano.
Just what is it that these greed possessed zombies do not get about the phrase… BE HAPPY, BECASUE THIS LIFE IS THE PARADISE YOU DREAM OF, WE ARE IN PARADISE, IT IS WE WHO TURN IT INTO HELL.
And may The Chris be with you as you survey the collapse of civilization and contemplate: What is the value of nothing?
As Always and Forever, With the Deepest Love and Affectation / The Real Chris Martin / I Guess / Sometimes Even I am not sure AnyMore / I Hope /
gail powell on 21 Mar 2009 at 6:55 am #
To the Real Chris Martin:
Why are you so fixated on this “Money as Debt” video?
You Coldplay boys are rolling in it! Don’t you know that it was the bankers and money-lenders who set off the conflagoration known as World War I? No-it wasn’t only the assassination of Franz Ferdinand (not that cute Scottish band-the heir to the Austrian throne-I mean!)
You need to be DWELLING on issues of the spirit-like your “friend” Bono of the French villa near the Jolie-Pitts. He has his mind set to higher things in life–like BEATING the 1st week sales of Coldplay to put U2 back on top as #1 band in the world.
He also ruminates on such weighty topics as “wankerisms,” “cretins,” and dysfunctional antics as such! This heavy thought comes on top of such outrageous hucksterisms such as 5 days straight on David Letterman and traveling all across the U.S. to hang out with fans in L.A., Chicago, & Boston. On top of that, Bono charitably dragged Shirley Manson-she of the holy rollers known as Garbage-all over with them as the “moderator.”
This Bono fellow is nipping at the righteous heals of our beloved Chris Martin. He is the fly in the ointment; the feather up the arse..our devout Chris needs solitude, peace, and quiet to feel the inspiration of both God and a certain dead grunge rock star to formulate the next Coldplay album. You think “Viva La Vida” was heavy on religious imagery
and the celestial sounds of heavenly angel choirs/ Wait till the next one comes out! I’m told Chris Martin will divulge the secrets of “yellow” and that new song will be called “urinal.” God Bless Chris Martin. Hallelujah! Praise Chris Martin (sorry God!)
Octo-Mom on 14 Apr 2009 at 3:05 pm #
Chris Martin: you made such heavenly children with that skinny minny-oh! what’s her name..Gwyneth..How about a REAL woman…a one full of plastic surgery and lip implants..a one smart enough to know how to get by with 14 kids on food stamps and disability payments? A women whose belly held a bulging 8! babies at one time and longs for the gentle caress of a sensitive man-of -the Coldplay cloth! What do you say, handsome holy man? Let’s make a REAL baby?
GoTo Hell Billie Jerk Armstrong of Greed Day band on 28 Aug 2009 at 5:18 am #
LOS ANGELES - “Green Day may be 22 years old but that doesn’t mean the band has grown up. And just because they have eight studio albums, three Grammy Awards and a handful of number one hits doesn’t mean they follow the rules, either. “Las Vegas! Get off your (expletive expletive)!” Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong instructed just moments after he stepped onto the stage on Friday. “Stand up! Stand up!”“ This is not a (expletive) slot machine, this is a (expletive) Green Day show!” he yelled.
Some parents can be forgiven their quizzical expressions. Especially when Armstrong’s adjective of choice frequently is a variation on the F-bomb, and he occasionally executes boyish exposures of flesh. He also chugged down a beer someone in the crowd gave him.
Tuesday’s all-in performance at the Forum in Los Angeles was a mandate for the crowd to remember this show, the last of a seven-week North American jaunt. And memorable it was. And the crowd lapped it up, acquiescing to Armstrong’s every demand. He told stories and often made a point of inciting communal pride. “This is a fucking rock ‘n’ roll show, not a tea party,” he admonished. “You listen to Coldplay on your own fucking time!”
(another blurb blob from dastardly coldplaying.com) WHO NOW ARE WARNING The Church of Chris Martin OF YET ANOTHER mouthy interloper seeking to dismiss the holiness of our Grand Master. Now instead of repentant Saint Bono..out of U2 or Mormon infidel Brandon “multi-wived” Flowers..out of the Killers dismissing Grunge music-we have that little mop-headed Oakland punk from Greed Day equating Coldplay music with tea parties! Billie Jerk Armstrong wouldn’t know a nice tea party if the kettle hit him in the face!
So Church hear ye: We must ALWAYS be on alert for these provocations from height-challenged rockers who probably couldn’t get to 5th base with the loosest of the C: O: C: girls, if he tried. So he turns around and flaps his mouth off-like the ignorant ROCKERS I just mentioned before him.
Bet that new Green Day album isn’t selling as well as expected…so throw in a little trash-talking on Coldplay for some media attention! Well-Billy Jerk Armstrong: YOU are now in the crosshairs of this Church and we are watching you. Continue your idiotic tirades and watch what happens. Father Drobbimgdon is-as I write this-dictating a lettet to
Greed Day’s record label demanding an apology.
Greed Day will rue the day they let turdcake Billy Jerk open his herpes-festering mouth full of puke and bile to blast the band that rules the world.
People of Good Faith: pray to your mantle shrines, Coldplay devotional objects and all flattering pictures of Chris Martin for the strength to combat this latest menace!
Doesn’t it seem like a never-ending struggle to protect the good and Holy name of C/P & CM? Will this mouth violence never cease? Father Drobbingdon: please make an ecumenical statement to give the Church solace and nuture! We need you right now to lead the way! Father: COME OUT OF YOUR CLOSET NOW!
Amen.