YELLOW TENT EVENT REPORT: MENTAL HEALTH OUTREACH @ Wembley Stadium
A confidential report by Head Psychiatric Doctor on Duty. Put together at the request of Father Drobbingdon, who specifically asks for details of the goings-on at the Mental Health “Talk Down” tent at Wembley Stadium during and following the 2 Great Coldplay shows that recently took place.
Head Nut Job Doc: “It is with a firm foundation in Church lore that I am happy to report the recovery efforts of former Church members who had gone over to “the dark side”, i.e. coldplaying.com. They have since been re-indoctrinated into the Church mantle & have pleaded for reinstatement with good standing. I will leave this final judgment up to Father’s discretion. A few of the females seem like potential C:O:C: girl material (Large Busts/Small Brains), and one effeminine male may possibly find a home with the M:O:R C:O:C: men’s group.
Still there exists a rebellious lot that, despite ingesting much Holy Chris wine and being exposed to Blessed Church doctrine, refused to throw down with our group. I was prepared to begin electro-shock experiments on this saucy bunch, but instead just laser-zapped their brains until they said “YES”, much like the Coldplay song. All together, I turned over to the Church as ‘NEW RECRUITS” a total of 12 former coldplaying.com contagions into Chris-tians!”
NURSE RATCHETT - “Talk Down Tent” medical notes: I specialize in treating patients with high-risk pregnancies, and we did find two such knocked-up ladies picnic-ing in the Empire Way park. I invited them into the Yellow Tent, telling them I had free baby gift bags to offer them. Little did they realize, once I had them behind the yellow curtain, I would show them proof that coldplaying.com was home to any number of child abusers, pedophiles, and assorted criminals. I got one lady who was bursting at the seams to break her water and she promised that, as proof of her new Church devotion, she would name her new son CHRIS MARTIN, and not COLDPLAYING DOT COM as she had planned!
Enema Assistant Josefina: It was commanded of me to insist each new recruit brought into the tent have an enema procedure performed on them, to bring home the reality of a “fresh start” with the Church of Chris Martin. A few of the jolly boys actually enjoyed the experience while many of the younger teens defied my tying them down and hand-cuffing them to the enema machine. To punish their recalcitrance, I made the procedure a little bit rougher to teach them a lesson in “going along with the Church program.” One of the gay fellows observed this harsher procedure and requested I re- enema him again - “rough & tumble.”
Reindoctrination Coach Mother Drobbingdon: “Since I now lord it over my pathetic husband - Father Drobbingdon - and my wish is his command, I practiced my female haranguing skills on many of the new converts. Once properly “cleansed and purified” (enema), they were led into the “Re-indoctrination Room” where they were treated to an informational video on The Church of Chris Martin and a special message from Father Drobbingdon. White garments to denote clean hearts, minds and rear ends were then put on by the former coldplaying.com-ers and all were then hypnotized by a quack psychic and sternly warned that they were never again to visit coldplaying.com and to do so was tantamount to high treason, punishable by Saint Bono’s favorite remedy - solemn castration for the men, and solemn castration of husbands and boyfriends for the women. It seemed to work like a charm.”
Pamela DD & Phillip the Hairdresser - C:O:C: “Friendship & Get Acquainted” Tent: “We were in charge of offering “companionship at no charge” to any of our new special friends who were in need of some sexual socializing. There were many C:O:C: requests to volunteer at this “outreach tent,” and a good time was had by all. New recruits signed a solemn oath pledge to be discreet… or else! Strong antibiotics were handed out as the “converts” exited the Tents.”
Special Panting Rock Star Courtesy C:O:C: tent: “Should any passing tour buses deign to stop & want to C:O:C: - well The Church of Chris Martin set up a special yellow VIP tent area that was off-limits except to horny ROCK STARS and their roadies. Only the finest and biggest breasted C:O:C: ladies were allowed to solicit here and we had one M:O:R C:O:C: man ready-to-go in a speedo, just in case that proclivity reared up? Only a few buses ended up skidding to a halt, but the ones that did could be heard “rocking-and-rolling” all over the Yellow Tent Outreach area!”
Doctor Feelgood: “I was dispensing any number of medications and loads of medicinal marijuana for various “aches & pains.” We ran through our entire allotment of condoms and then thought, why not recycle them? It’s good for the environment & plastics are so polluting anyways. So we must have reused our kilo of penis pouches a number of times and hope that many a pregnancy was averted through our creative “stretching of resources.”
Sex Therapist Daphne Lord: I was the one called in for consultation if any new recruit was showing signs of re-committing back to coldplaying.com. I had some x-rated “aversion therapy” that led me to believe that many coldplaying.com besmirchers may slip back into their old, wicked ways, if not given a steady diet of porn and pictures of naked celebrities. We must continue to supervise these heathens off-site and monitor their computers to make sure they do not re-introduce to coldplaying.com & their incessant Twittering.
In conclusion: The Yellow Tent Outreach Team was very productive in finding, reaching, earning the trust of and luring back to the Yellow Tent at least 100 coldplaying.com infidels in total. Many different psychological and physical techniques were used to open up their hearts, minds, private parts, and ultimately wallets to The Church of Chris Martin. It is hoped that our hard work has make the internet a little safer with our dedication to converting coldplaying.com “wankers” and “spinsters-in-the-making” to a life surely more full of C:O:C: love and Church Love for the Great Soul Master - Chris Martin. Glory to Yellow Tents & May all the antibiotics consumed at this event help to prevent any more itchy rashes! Amen. Glory to Coldplay in Excellcius!!
October 01 2009 03:53 pm | Church History and news
JenJei from coldplaying.com on 02 Oct 2009 at 5:10 pm #
From JenJay-administrator at coldplaying.com
this is preposterous. we have had many members come and complain about this “outreach” event and some have reported various sexually-transmitted disease symptoms and pregnancies. we feel here at coldplaying.com that this Yellow Tent Event was nothing more than an excuse to have orgies and sex with busloads of drooling rock stars. the virgins and wankers at coldplaying.com are even more sexually-confused than ever and if that was the intent-your Church should hang their vestments up in shame.
The babies born to the coldplaying.com pregnant ladies will continue to be called coldplaying.com and not Chris Martin, so all those scare tactics about pedophiles and weirdo’s didn’t work.
In fact-I can report that one of the coldplaying-ers spied Mother Drobbingdon doing the dirty dance with a young and frisky coldplaying.com secret agent and the used condom they were trying to re-use melted from the toxic acid of her vagina. And You think that Cretin Courtney is the Vicious Vagina of Death?
Father Drobbingdon was seen in the bushes with nasty C:O:C: girl-Pamela DD & they were NOT worshipping at the altar of Coldplay; instead Father was snapping pics of Pamela with a panting BIG ROCK STAR-doing IT-and now they will have more blackmail material to try and extract Euro’s from these dim-bulb singers & guitarists! All the C:O:C: girls exposing themselves along Empire Way’s roadside caused many a traffic accident-no fatalities, thank goodness but plenty of damaged fenders-both on the cars and on the girls!
So Yes-Church of Chris Martin: congratulate yourself and slap yourself on the back for all the “GOOD” you claim you do. The only thing this Holy Church is good at is dissing coldplaying.com and sending the shares of medical companies that sell ultra-strength antibiotics and STD medicines through the roof! good bye!
Glastonbury Female Pilgrim on 05 Oct 2009 at 11:10 pm #
is it true that I just read in NME that Glastonbury 2010 is already sold out? that can’t be possible.
do they even know who’s playing?
how can I get to the yellow tents. i wanna be brainwashed and party with everyone behind the yellow curtain.
promise not to spill the beans to the bobbies.
it sounds like lots of fun. You rule Church of Chris Martin.