NEW YEAR’S Question & Answer with Father Drobbingdon!
With a resolute hold on power among the faithful of The Church of Chris Martin,Father Drobbingdon is one fascinating but elusive enigma! In an effort to counter an aloof, ivory-tower image, the Great Father Drobbingdon agreed to sit down with the True Widow for a little get-to-know-you interview recently. We now present an intellectual exercise in opening up a crevice into the mind of a spiritual powerhouse…
True Widow - Good Evening Father Drobbingdon. Congratulations on yet ANOTHER grab of the Father Drobbingdon Award. Was there ever a doubt you would NOT win this highly-sought after trophy?
Drobbingdon - It is difficult to remain modest and humble, especially when you’re as rich and handsome as I. Yet I know in my heart that I deserve it, and in all humbleness, accept it. It is an honour that truly belongs to me and me alone.
TW - Let’s review the year just past. What is the highlight of 2009 in regard to the Church of Chris Martin?
D - Most likely, my divorce. If I can manage to continue to hide my assets from my soon-to-be-ex, and also stall the judge on alimony payments, I may hold onto my millions. This is vital to the Church, as that shrew-my ex-wife has threatened to take title to this website, if I don’t pay her off. No doubt the harpie is in cahoots with coldplaying.com! [Please readers: send your tithes to Father and they will be used to rid the Church of that shrew - Ed.]
TW - Speaking of coldplaying.com, what is the current status of the peace negotiations on-going with them? Might that accursed group show up at the Glastonbury Pilgrims Invocation and demand to be seated on stage with Saint Bono?
D - BrotheRob attempted to intercede with coldplaying.com, since he was once one of their debased threaders, but they shooed him away. Next, chicks.dig.coldplay issued a Writ of Co-Joinder Status and attempted to have Jen-Jen of coldplaying.com sign it, but the Exeter concert event intervened and the entreaty came to naught. Now it is up to I, the Holy Arch Pope. I am proposing a Glastonbury 2010 truce, so that we may have a Yellow Tent Event free of shenanigans.
TW - What special treats await Saint Bono if he should grace our Yellow Tents and Pilgrim Party with his presence?
D - Firstly, I regularly party with Saint Bono at his house on the French Riveria, so I know that he is partial to fine French wines, Cuban cigars, Italian cuisine, and young ladies with pert bosoms. All shall be offered the Great One of Ireland, along with the choicest seat on the Pilgrims dais. An ode to Bono will be read, accompanied by a C:O:C: interpretative dance. I’m sure our Saint will be pleased.
TW - Since your self-imposed exile in your cellar, and subsequent resurrection, what lessons have you learned?
D - I learned that as the spiritual and ecumenical leader of this Church of Chris Martin, I have an undeniable greatness of leadership, and without that guidance I offer, the Church lurches along shakily and without a mighty helm to right the wheel of magistral majesty. I am indispensable, if I may say so. I learned that acting like a cross between a survivalist hillbilly and Howard Hughes is a sure method of ridding onesself of a troublesome spouse. And I learned that rats may seem friendly, but they are lying.
TW - Father, I must say I am taken aback by your meek appraisal of your many talents! What do you make of the scandalous behavior of Chris Martin in Las Vegas with that Hollywood hooch-Kate Boswell? Why must Chris Martin always go for those skinny, nerdy blonde-types-(this is a question that weighs heavily on the minds (if you would call it that) of many C:O:C: Girls.)
D - Remember, Chris Martin was a virgin well into his twenties, before he got lucky and went to town with the ladies. Perhaps that long, dry spell during the crucial hormonal period of youthful horniness made him yen for women that are non-threatening - like all these anorexic, flat-chested blondes. I don’t believe he would find a healthy, curvy, buxom C:O:C: girl attractive - he would be terrified! And as for the rumours that he once had a thing for Beyonce - that sista would crush Chris Martin to death with one thigh!
TW - Father Drobbingdon, it has been a pleasure to have this conversation with you today. May I say you exude a very charming demeanor and masculine confidence? Despite the religious vows you have taken, I find that the rumored “way with women” you are said to possess is alive and well. Is there a favorite C:O:C: girl that just might become the next Mother Drobbingdon?
D - Thank you, True Widow, for those kind words. I look in the mirror everyday and wonder how the many women in the Church can possibly NOT be overtaken by my charms? As such, there are certain C:O:C: women that I have “studied Coldplay lyrics” with, but at the advice of my divorce attorney I must refrain from discussing your question at this moment in time. However, Ms. Pamela DD has been a particular pleasure to be around. We have spent many an evening-late into the night, “discussing Coldplay metaphors” and I do believe I feel a “musical kinship” with this fine “C:O:C: artiste” developing.
TW - Father, thanks be to you again for your time here. I hope that the Church of Chris Martin appreciates and values you, as I do, and I wish you a bountiful Holiday and Happiest New Year.
D - Thank you, True Widow. May the Chris Be With You. Viva.
January 08 2010 12:56 am | Church History and site news
BrotheRob on 08 Jan 2010 at 8:48 am #
Is a post dated check acceptable to the church?
BrotheRob has gotten himself into a situation where I go to school at night and am having a small problem adjusting to the routine so if I make less sense than usual then I am truly hurt.
I have lain awake many nights wondering (to myself), who is this Father Drobingdon guy anyway, and has he ever really met the real Chris Martin? I can tell by the interview that he is no “wooden nickel” and would for sure give you the pants of his back if you asked him to. He is a very swell gentleman for sure I guess.
When I first discovered this website (partway through the third century BC), I realized I had found my spiritual home. To me, Chris Martin is a cosmic inferno in constant overdrive and perfect balance.He is what a human can become with the talent God gives you. And What PERFECT ART Coldplay are.
Father Drobingdon must be given his due for having the very best taste in music. There are very many exceptionally talented musical beings in this realm of reality and Chris Martin / Coldplay are the rarest of orchids if there ever was one.
Where do these sounds / feelings /experiences which shape our lives come form? That we may never know and must live to be content with just listening to the music on this end of the time - space - infinity continuum. And I can live with that, like it’s a perfect plan.
May the Chris be with you as the boat of your own existence is crushed by the origami of your beloved and soon to be late, ego.
ps. I’m so glad to here you are getting on with your life, we were all so very, very worried for a while there. Lawrence included.
True Widow 's Lament on 14 Feb 2010 at 4:04 pm #
Dearest Father Drobbingdon;
Please know that the entire congregation and Holy Elders bunch miss you with a burning sphere of emotion.
Every week when the Coldplay music swells at Sanctification Services, tears well up in my eyes-to think of you-alone, lonely-(well, maybe not)and on the lam.
It is you who embody the personification of all that is The Church of Chris Martin. You have manipulated our fresh minds into the fervent lovers of Chris Martin that we are today. Your over-whelming personality has shaped and guided this Holy Group and without you, it is not complete. It is just like Coldplay without our beloved Chris Martin!
Please Father-hear my yearn for your return. We can facilitate a hiding place for you back in the bunker where you last had your spiritual crisis. You can be just like Anne Frank when she was hidden away from the Nazi’s, Maybe you could also write a heart-warming book about your underground adventures that the Church could then turn into a best-selling book and movie?
Father Drobbingdon: my heart cries out to you to restore the Church to the mighty Palace of Chris Love it once was. It is not the same in your absence.
Father: please hear my lament!