NEW YEAR’S Question & Answer with Father Drobbingdon!
With a resolute hold on power among the faithful of The Church of Chris Martin,Father Drobbingdon is one fascinating but elusive enigma! In an effort to counter an aloof, ivory-tower image, the Great Father Drobbingdon agreed to sit down with the True Widow for a little get-to-know-you interview recently. We now present an intellectual exercise in opening up a crevice into the mind of a spiritual powerhouse…
True Widow - Good Evening Father Drobbingdon. Congratulations on yet ANOTHER grab of the Father Drobbingdon Award. Was there ever a doubt you would NOT win this highly-sought after trophy?
Drobbingdon - It is difficult to remain modest and humble, especially when you’re as rich and handsome as I. Yet I know in my heart that I deserve it, and in all humbleness, accept it. It is an honour that truly belongs to me and me alone.
TW - Let’s review the year just past. What is the highlight of 2009 in regard to the Church of Chris Martin?
D - Most likely, my divorce. If I can manage to continue to hide my assets from my soon-to-be-ex, and also stall the judge on alimony payments, I may hold onto my millions. This is vital to the Church, as that shrew-my ex-wife has threatened to take title to this website, if I don’t pay her off. No doubt the harpie is in cahoots with coldplaying.com! [Please readers: send your tithes to Father and they will be used to rid the Church of that shrew - Ed.]
TW - Speaking of coldplaying.com, what is the current status of the peace negotiations on-going with them? Might that accursed group show up at the Glastonbury Pilgrims Invocation and demand to be seated on stage with Saint Bono?
D - BrotheRob attempted to intercede with coldplaying.com, since he was once one of their debased threaders, but they shooed him away. Next, chicks.dig.coldplay issued a Writ of Co-Joinder Status and attempted to have Jen-Jen of coldplaying.com sign it, but the Exeter concert event intervened and the entreaty came to naught. Now it is up to I, the Holy Arch Pope. I am proposing a Glastonbury 2010 truce, so that we may have a Yellow Tent Event free of shenanigans.
TW - What special treats await Saint Bono if he should grace our Yellow Tents and Pilgrim Party with his presence?
D - Firstly, I regularly party with Saint Bono at his house on the French Riveria, so I know that he is partial to fine French wines, Cuban cigars, Italian cuisine, and young ladies with pert bosoms. All shall be offered the Great One of Ireland, along with the choicest seat on the Pilgrims dais. An ode to Bono will be read, accompanied by a C:O:C: interpretative dance. I’m sure our Saint will be pleased.
TW - Since your self-imposed exile in your cellar, and subsequent resurrection, what lessons have you learned?
D - I learned that as the spiritual and ecumenical leader of this Church of Chris Martin, I have an undeniable greatness of leadership, and without that guidance I offer, the Church lurches along shakily and without a mighty helm to right the wheel of magistral majesty. I am indispensable, if I may say so. I learned that acting like a cross between a survivalist hillbilly and Howard Hughes is a sure method of ridding onesself of a troublesome spouse. And I learned that rats may seem friendly, but they are lying.
TW - Father, I must say I am taken aback by your meek appraisal of your many talents! What do you make of the scandalous behavior of Chris Martin in Las Vegas with that Hollywood hooch-Kate Boswell? Why must Chris Martin always go for those skinny, nerdy blonde-types-(this is a question that weighs heavily on the minds (if you would call it that) of many C:O:C: Girls.)
D - Remember, Chris Martin was a virgin well into his twenties, before he got lucky and went to town with the ladies. Perhaps that long, dry spell during the crucial hormonal period of youthful horniness made him yen for women that are non-threatening - like all these anorexic, flat-chested blondes. I don’t believe he would find a healthy, curvy, buxom C:O:C: girl attractive - he would be terrified! And as for the rumours that he once had a thing for Beyonce - that sista would crush Chris Martin to death with one thigh!
TW - Father Drobbingdon, it has been a pleasure to have this conversation with you today. May I say you exude a very charming demeanor and masculine confidence? Despite the religious vows you have taken, I find that the rumored “way with women” you are said to possess is alive and well. Is there a favorite C:O:C: girl that just might become the next Mother Drobbingdon?
D - Thank you, True Widow, for those kind words. I look in the mirror everyday and wonder how the many women in the Church can possibly NOT be overtaken by my charms? As such, there are certain C:O:C: women that I have “studied Coldplay lyrics” with, but at the advice of my divorce attorney I must refrain from discussing your question at this moment in time. However, Ms. Pamela DD has been a particular pleasure to be around. We have spent many an evening-late into the night, “discussing Coldplay metaphors” and I do believe I feel a “musical kinship” with this fine “C:O:C: artiste” developing.
TW - Father, thanks be to you again for your time here. I hope that the Church of Chris Martin appreciates and values you, as I do, and I wish you a bountiful Holiday and Happiest New Year.
D - Thank you, True Widow. May the Chris Be With You. Viva.
January 08 2010 12:56 am | Church History and site news
BrotheRob on 08 Jan 2010 at 8:48 am #
Is a post dated check acceptable to the church?
BrotheRob has gotten himself into a situation where I go to school at night and am having a small problem adjusting to the routine so if I make less sense than usual then I am truly hurt.
I have lain awake many nights wondering (to myself), who is this Father Drobingdon guy anyway, and has he ever really met the real Chris Martin? I can tell by the interview that he is no “wooden nickel” and would for sure give you the pants of his back if you asked him to. He is a very swell gentleman for sure I guess.
When I first discovered this website (partway through the third century BC), I realized I had found my spiritual home. To me, Chris Martin is a cosmic inferno in constant overdrive and perfect balance.He is what a human can become with the talent God gives you. And What PERFECT ART Coldplay are.
Father Drobingdon must be given his due for having the very best taste in music. There are very many exceptionally talented musical beings in this realm of reality and Chris Martin / Coldplay are the rarest of orchids if there ever was one.
Where do these sounds / feelings /experiences which shape our lives come form? That we may never know and must live to be content with just listening to the music on this end of the time - space - infinity continuum. And I can live with that, like it’s a perfect plan.
May the Chris be with you as the boat of your own existence is crushed by the origami of your beloved and soon to be late, ego.
ps. I’m so glad to here you are getting on with your life, we were all so very, very worried for a while there. Lawrence included.
True Widow 's Lament on 14 Feb 2010 at 4:04 pm #
Dearest Father Drobbingdon;
Please know that the entire congregation and Holy Elders bunch miss you with a burning sphere of emotion.
Every week when the Coldplay music swells at Sanctification Services, tears well up in my eyes-to think of you-alone, lonely-(well, maybe not)and on the lam.
It is you who embody the personification of all that is The Church of Chris Martin. You have manipulated our fresh minds into the fervent lovers of Chris Martin that we are today. Your over-whelming personality has shaped and guided this Holy Group and without you, it is not complete. It is just like Coldplay without our beloved Chris Martin!
Please Father-hear my yearn for your return. We can facilitate a hiding place for you back in the bunker where you last had your spiritual crisis. You can be just like Anne Frank when she was hidden away from the Nazi’s, Maybe you could also write a heart-warming book about your underground adventures that the Church could then turn into a best-selling book and movie?
Father Drobbingdon: my heart cries out to you to restore the Church to the mighty Palace of Chris Love it once was. It is not the same in your absence.
Father: please hear my lament!
Novitiate of Normandy Prefect on 18 Mar 2010 at 8:53 pm #
I am appalled at the scandals in the Catholic Church today.
Celibacy requirements are the root cause-and-effect of clerical deviant behaviors.
The Catholic Church should take a page out of The Church of Chris Martin book and let the sex run rampant for the good of all.
Repression is the bane of evil and has allowed Satan to gain a foothold into the inner sanctums of the Catholic Church.
Even the Pope’s chief exorcist in Rome admitted that the Devil has invaded the Vatican and formulated all kinds of impropriety.
The Holy Elder conclave concluded that an honest examination is needed for Rome to address and root out the origins of sex abuse. Character development of novitiates should be stressed along with no tolerance for dishonest behavior.
Yes, it is true that the New Testament addresses chaste behavior as being proof of a Saint or Apostle’s holiness and righteousness. Pope Benedict said as much when he termed celibacy as “an expression of the gift of oneself to God.” Now celibacy seems to have become problematic and of a bygone era. Lest I formulate dissent and be accused of that by the Bishop and Monastic Pontifical Prelates, I would just like to say I wish no ill will towards any Catholic brethren, but The Church of Chris Martin must go beyond Father Drobbingdon merely stating that he has no hand in the German choir scandal with the Pope’s brother.
I would ask the Church to discuss amongst itself the matter of priestly rules of conduct forbidding sex and perhaps make an ecumenical statement vis-a-vis how the incessant sexual conduct at your Sanctuary has actually served to lessen lapses of conduct or outright acts of unfaithful service.
This stain and blemish on Rome and the Vatican Pope has managed to smear all the Godly parsonages and Churches that dot the hillsides of Europe. We are all tarnished by the foolish actions of a few undefiled members of the clergy-no doubt members of wankers united: coldplaying.com. The taking of innocence from the children is something sanctioned by the devil and a swift boat ride to hell awaits those who partake in that malevolent action.
I would kindly ask for all Church Elders and Blessed wise members of the Congregation of Chris to make an official statement on the rightful placement of SEX and it’s spiritual role in The Church of Chris Martin. In all humbleness, I remain a chaste friend and neighbor, awaiting with much delight-your official Chris Encyclical on Sex in the Church. Viva! Amen.
Beatification Committee Pre-Glastonbury Edition on 08 Jun 2010 at 10:01 pm #
Holy Ones and Friends and Blessed Patrons:
Dearest Saint Bono has contacted the The Church of Chris Martin recently from his sickbed. He was urgent in his desire to convey to The Church his opinion that our Blessed Father/Mother Drobbingdon should be elevated to Sainthood. The Holy Elders concluded an Ecumenical Conclave and Papal Bull-whereby we have agreed with our Irish Soul Master: it is time to honor Father/Mother for all that he/she has done in guidance and promulgation of our Most Holy Abode of Chris.
The process culminating in the canonization of Father/Mother commenced immediately with a Edict of Elevation being Read and much Chris Holy Wine lovingly ingested. Upon sobering, our Most Elevated Chris-tians began the process leading to Drobbingdon canonization: two cases of miraculous healings were presented for consideration. The first one was the healing in May 2008 of the Potato-Headed Cripple-Scott McDonald of Inverness. This poor soul had a chronic, congenital illness-yet Chris Martin blessed him and Father Drobbingdon documented this divine intervention for the world to see! The Potato-Head Cripple was absolved of all sin & walks gimpless today as a result. The second miracle was the healing of a vicious case of congenital herpes complicated by a antibiotic-resistant case of African skin-eating disease suffered by Father/Mother Drobbingdon him/her self! After prayers were offered by members of our parish during the anniversary of St. Faustina’s death on October 5 2009, our Church Founder was able to urinate at last without a burning sensation! Holy God is Great! Father/Mother Drobbningdon has been healed.
Additionally-let it be noted that our Forbearer Drobbingdon was made to soak in a Chris Martin Holy Water latrine for 24 hours whilst the gentlest of Coldplay tunes played incessantly. It is thus this healing from desperate groin despair that The Papal Conclave honors Father/Mother with canonization and beatification as a pre-ordained Saint in this Sanctuary of Martin Love.
On June 25, 2010 the Feast of Divine Mercy will be celebrated in conjunction with the Shrine Invocation of the Blessed Glastonbury Martyrs: The Holy Pilgrims 3. Pope Benedict out of Rome has agreed to send a Roman emissary to our Beatifcation Celebration thus elevating our Saint Drobbingdon into the Pantheon of Blessed Visages and Consecrating our status to Blessed Adoration during the Beatification of this Venerable Servant of God. This esteemable day shall go down in history as a day of Sacramental Grace and Acknowledgment of our superiority over other Coldplay websites. Our Church Choir will sing to the Glory of this Occasion and Apostolic Divination. An ordinary public consistory for several causes of canonization of Chris Martin will be held- in the presence of the Holy Father/Mother whereby The Church may seek to elevate Chris Martin to Living Sainthood should he finally announce the coming of the Female Messiah in the next album due out soon that “might suck and have jazz-fusion elements” in it.
When starting this Most Holy Vessel of Adoration for Chris Martin, our new Saint Drobbingdon commented on Chris Martin’s apiration upon the Clositer of the Sisters of Mercy and Veneration for the Most Holy Sacred Heart of the Blessings of Annunciation Church. This pilgrimage to Coldplay Enlightenment was called “the great path to Divine Mercy in our day.” Father/Mother also exclaimed:”The message of Divine Mercy has always been near and dear to me…, in a sense it forms the image of my Pontificate.”
The Prophetic sentiments uttered that Most Blessed Day is proof that our Dear Father/Mother Arch Pope is sanctified in Holiness and is Divinely Guided.
May his Sacred Heart of Pure Love for all things Coldplay and Chris Martin be our guiding star and path to redemption forevermore. May the Anointing of Chris Martin shine upon you and yours. Viva!
THE DREAM COUNCIL on 11 Jun 2010 at 8:54 am #
Amen to that eh?
What? I know that some of you out there at the other end of the wire understand what goes on here, but I don’t, and it doesn’t really matter does it, because if I did the thrill would be gone. Like sex with a donkey, once you do it the thrill is gone, right? I’m not sure what it all means, but I sure feel good at the end!
Speaking of thrills, where is the great thrill Meister Heimself, Her Drobbingdon? I quite miss the uplifting Pontificitations we could always rely upon to see us through the day or life or what ever. And I will always be in awe at the mastery of this incredible band. I guess when you just be who you are….
And I too shall have some “spaced out high gain insanity with country fusion elements that might suck” out soon, but don’t hold your breath. But seriously, for a high gain / low threshold borderline paranoid romantic like me, what’s the difference?
Anyway, we’ll talk more later when I am enlightended. Which quite well describes the state of consciousness George Bush must be permanently stuck in.
And so may the Chris be with you as we are tossed around this universe and made to dance like some marionette on a lonely string inside a mirror for the pleasure of a God with no mercy. It can and only will get better but only if you believe that one day the sun will shine again on this world of infinite beauty and perfect inhumanity.
Strangers in Paradise? Who wrote that song? That’s who we are.