The Church of Chris Martin

EXCLUSIVE: Coldplay’s music isn’t just hugely successful – it can cure diseases beyond the scope of modern medicine, it is claimed.

 Chris Martin must feel pretty lucky these days – he sells millions of records, he’s won a Grammy, and has two children with his beautiful film star wife, and all by the age of 30. His rapid rise to fame has been nothing short of miraculous.
Now it seems like that might be literally true. An Invernesian man is claiming that his meeting with the Coldplay singer has cured him of a chronic illness.

Scott Macdonald (47) has suffered from the debilitating and painful condition Spine Abifida since birth. It left him unable to work and in need of constant care. But Scott is an optimistic soul, and never let the disease squash his spirit.

 “I’ve always loved music. It’s helped me deal with my condition,” said the brave youngster. “I taught myself to play the guitar. Coldplay are my favourite band because they’re brilliant and their songs are so uplifting, and so I was delighted when my best friend bought me tickets to see them playing at the S.E.C.C.”

After the show, Scott was invited backstage with all the other wheelchair cases to meet the band. “They were all lovely,” he says, “but when I shook hands with Chris, something funny happened. It felt like I was being electrocuted, but in a nice way. I looked up at him and he just smiled… A week later, my Spine Abifida had cleared right up.”

He insists that Chris Martin somehow healed him, spontaneously and miraculously, and amazingly, he’s not the only one. A Ukrainian woman has alleged that hearing ‘Yellow’ cured her jaundice, and a 15-year old girl seems to have regained her sight during ‘In My Place’ at a Hamburg concert. However, there is no evidence at present to back the claims up. Chris Martin has thus far declined to comment.

Perhaps finding that evidence is a job for ‘The Scientist’. Hoping to avoid ‘Trouble’, this blog suggests that perhaps these individuals experienced nothing more than ‘A Rush of Blood to the Head’.

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History and miracles and news

Then, the USA went to war, and so did The Cold Mountain Singers. They returned to performing upon their return, but they were different men, older and wiser, with a new found urgency to spread their message. Their repertoire had changed too, to incorporate original compositions.

Jim Gilhooley said about the inspiration for Fix Y’all: “Darned if ah don’t know where it came from. I was huddlin in some darn trench with my brother, German shells a-flying over our heads. Then all of a sudden, there comes this strange silence, an all the guns quit shellin, and the sunshine began to break through the clouds and smoke. The tune, the words, everything, began to play in ma head, and I had to rush to git everything writ down in time. It was like it was being channelled through me, comin down from the Most High. I looked up to the sun, and instead ah saw a bright glowing face, with short and curly mousey hair and big blue eyes. He had no beard, and when he spoke it sounded a darn site more english an middle-class than ah reckoned for. He said that it would all make sense one day. Before he disappeared he said “Make Trade Fair.” Ah guess ah didn’t know what to make of that.”

This track was recorded live in Nashville in 1954 during a successful month-long residency. Their star was still in its ascendancy, but a darkness had entered their act. It was only a matter of time before they were to be torn apart.

1 Comment » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History and Did you know!?

Tom and Jim Gilhooley (AKA The Cold Mountain Singers) were born on Cold Mountain Farm, Hatchenchubbee, Arkansas, in 1916, the twin sons of an itinerant Polish railroad labourer and an alchoholic seamstress of Scottish extraction. They were raised by both parents on their run-down farmstead until the depression began to bite, and their father left in 1931, never again seeing his boys.

Their mother struggled through, scraping a meagre existance from the dusty soil, supplimented by occasional sewing jobs. Tom and Jim learned to amuse themselves with bible reading and by singing traditional songs, accompanying themselves on guitar and banjo. They were soon a popular turn at the Waverley Saloon, and began to attract attention from the city.

By 1938, the boys were a successful act, playing to audiences throughout Arkansas, and begining to make a name for themselves. This track is believed to have been recorded in 1939, and is one of a mere handful of tracks that are known to have survived.

{The distinct similarity of some of these songs and the work of the contemporary group Coldplay is currently the subject of a major legal proceeding, and I am unable to comment further at this time.}

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History and Did you know!?

Dean Drobbingdon was born in 1972, in a humble council house in a small town in Scotland, England. He was precoscious from an early age, walking by eight months, talking by fourteen, and fluent in four languages by three years.

His school career, however, was marred by the systemic abuse and bullying he experienced. Marked forever as an “outsider”, this was to have a lasting impact on the young man’s psyche. Unsurprisingly, robbed of any opportunity for stimulation or self-expression, he did not excel; but he did become the man who would go on to found The Church of Chris Martin.

It was only a matter of time before he started to think about putting his own spiritual ideas into some kind of order…

But it took a fateful trip to the dentist’s surgery to fix an abcess that was to lead to the founding of The Church. AROBTTH had come out only a week before. While under the effects of the gas, Dean had a vision. The Spirit of Chris Martin visited him, and filled him with light. Chris Martin said unto him, “Burn them all!”

The founder was shocked; but Chris was not finished. “Each one is a prayer for a starving AIDs child. Burn them all.” The background faded from the image of a drab dentist’s surgery, to a cathederal, filled with candles.

For a while, the Founder thought that Chris was also telling him to “Spit!”, but it turned out that it was just the nurse and he was still fucked off the gas.

From this miraculous beginning, the Church of Chris Martin established itself, going online in 2001. Today, it is the fastest-growing indie-rock-based religion in the world. Can you afford NOT to join?

2 Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History

By Dean Drobbingdon, Archpope-in-Cheif

“It happened during a visit to my dentist, Rhodes & Damascus. As the gas kicked in and the drill began to whine, The Scientist began to play on the radio in the corner of the room. “Nobody said it was easy”, it said, and it was as though it was singing directly to me.

Then it happened. Chris appeared to me in a blaze of light, and said the cryptic words: “Burn them all.” I was shocked at the apparent anger in His words, and I asked what He meant. His head dissolved into an image of a Cathedral, filled with blazing candles. “Each one is a prayer for a starving child,” He said. “Burn them all.” Continue Reading »

1 Comment » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History