As is her prerogative, the True Widow has taken it upon herself to help prove - along with Father Drobbingdon - that the C:O:C girl dance association is one that can help protect a member when she finds herself in trouble. Now many would scoff at this fact being included as a “benefit,” but the world of escorts, strippers, and hookers is a dirty and dangerous one and sometimes, through no fault of their own, the ladies may have a bad turn of events, and land in the pokey. Fear not, jailbirds - help is at hand!
Today the True Widow decided she would go behind bars. Now, this fine lady has never had the honor of being locked-up before, but if it concerns the betterment of the Church, the True Widow is immediately game. And so it goes that she found herself getting booked and mug-shot (in an undercover capacity, obviously) and taken on the perp’s walk through the prison maze, amid taunts, catcalls, and obscenities. The True Widow held her head high and entered her shared cell.
Immediately there was a confrontation with a very Butch-looking prison matron who took a liking to the Widow’s lovely persona. But the Widow was ready! In her best rapper voice, she spits out: “What youze lookin at, Bitch? I throwdown with them COC girls over at the Church of Chris Martin!” Of course this seemed absurd because The Widow is an intelligent, well-spoken individual, but she was “acting” now to elicit a response and gauge reactions to COC girl gang protection claims. The Dyke drew back and exclaimed: “Oh yeah,” and seemed interested but not aggressive any more. It seems to work just has Father Drobbingdon as claimed - there is magic and power in the words themselves!
A little bit trickier was an encounter out in the exercise yard on the second day, whereby a group of masculine street gals came upon the Widow as she was enjoying the fresh air and concrete. One of the meaner and uglier ones drew out a shank to cut the True Widow’s lovely face all up, but again in a display of sheer righteousness of words the Widow exclaimed: “Stop what you are doing for the glory and good of COCs everywhere!” Like magic, the fearsome coven of carpet-munchers stepped back, and retreated to their Megan Fox calenders. The True Widow was again triumphant!
Now, the True Widow is no shrinking violet - she has had many run-ins with the”original widow”, some of which ended up being litigated. Fights and power struggles are nothing new to her, and she does possess a combative tendency. These interactions, however, were great instruction on how one is to behave as a COC girl, when put in a compromising position. Stay Calm, Stand Tall, Stay Firm & drop the Church moniker as often as needed, to protect life, liberty and expensive breast implants once behind the jail walls.
Church members: pray that The True Widow will prosper in jail and come out soon to continue to led Church Chris-tians on to higher ground. Amen.
(Following on from Part 1, we here complete Drobbingdon’s musical based upon Viva la Vida/Prospekt’s March by Coldplay.)
Act 2, Scene 1
Three years have passed. The revolution was successful: the FOX was overthrown. Drobbingdon, the leader of the revolution, has become leader of the land, with Prospekt his deputy.
In a hut in Violet Hill, now the capital of England, a small group watch Drobbingdon’s latest broadcast on an old TV…
Drobbingdon:When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
But the complaints rise, and Drobbingdon is forced to address the people.
Drobbingdon:The FOX is defeated, we no longer get sick, we are free! Why then are the people unhappy?
Voice in the crowd:Because we are still poor!
Drobbingdon:Our misfortunes are due to an unseen conspiracy…
Oh no, I see, a spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head, the thought of all the stupid things I said,
I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And i, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
Oh no I see, a spider web and its me in the middle,
So I twist and turn, here I am in my little bubble,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me…
(Well, it had to happen… all that attention to the C: O: C: girls got the “boys” in a tizzy! A group from the great polluted city of Manchester, England decided to form into a Men’s Chapter of C: O: C: and they call themselves Men of Reformation, Church of Chris - M: O: R: - C: O: C. Thus, a subset of the original C: O: C: group has now stepped to center stage...)
The Story of M: O: R: - C: O: C:
It was a dark & stormy night in a dank Men’s Club in desolate Manchester, England. MTV BBC is playing on the bar’s TV, and a new video comes on featuring the visage of Great One - Chris Martin singing in all his glory. The last dancer was just gathering up his leather chaps and dog chain collar to call it a night. This dancer, Keith Comer, glanced at the telly and was struck by the sweet gentleness of our Coldplay singer, especially since the nightclub dancing life was seedy, rough and void of glamour. He immediately grabbed some money and went over to the local record shop and paid for Viva la Vida on CD, which he would listen to endlessly.
The Boys who frequent the Manchester Baths heard the music playing in Keith’s CD player and all agreed it was great, nothing like the pounding disco music that throbed at all the gay clubs in town. This was lovely and melodic, and Keith and his friends were entranced. Soon, they were making the trek to Stonehenge for the Summer Solstice celebration and got a gander of those C:O:C: girls shamlessly hussying about.
Yes - all the straight guys were hot for the C: O: C:-ettes, but Keith and his party pals KNEW they could do a better job. Then while on the road to Glastonbury, the Boy-friends were shocked to come up on the girls AGAIN, in yellow bikinis, none-the-less. This was a total affront to the Gay Guys of Manchester and they vowed to show the Hallelujah Hussies who really had the C: O: C: goods!
The Church of Chris Martin will soon be holding auditions in various locations to pick the next crop of COC girls.
These women represent the finest examples of what otherwise would be considered a “loose or immoral” woman rising above her circumstances and achieving sacred dignity & respect within the Church of Chris Martin.
There are requirements to attain such an exalted position that may lead to other career opportunities in the fields of escort services, pole-dancing, and unclothed modeling in men’s magazines. As such we are specifically looking for:
–”REAL ladies-Not sex-changed”
–Weight and height within reasonable limits.
–able to sing a few Coldplay tunes either in or out of tune (whistling acceptable.)
–ability to dance, strut, wiggle, or strip in public with no shame or blushing allowed.
–natural or enhanced bosom - no droopsy allowed.
–either natural or fake tan… no pastiness.
–IQ NOT to exceed the doubling of the breast size. i.e., 40 DD bust = no more than 80 IQ.
–tendency to accept the amorous interests of more than one man… at a time.
–pride in maintaining one’s looks and figure.
–must be able to rattle off certain memorized Coldplay lyrics and seem sincere.
This is a very important public position. C:O:C girls represent The Church at various events and a self-possessed and friendly manner is preferred. The ability to travel is a plus. Please email name, contact info and bust measurements with a color photo: to propaganda[at]thechurchofchrismartin.com. We will get back with you with a reply within a week. Thank you for your interest in the COC girl program at the Church of Chris Martin.
The World today is in turmoil — fraught with danger, intrigue, deaths of celebrities-from A to D-list, and the continuing menace of coldplaying,com. Must we wake each morning to more bad economic news, saber-rattling from North Korea’s Dr. Demento, and another minor league musician claiming “Viva La Vida” was ripped off from them? Is there hope for our planet? Must life always be a constant struggle against chaos? Can we turn to our heroes for the hope we need to struggle through another day? Does Miley Cyrus really think Chris Martin is hot, despite her own mother’s admonitions?
Yes. We must gird our loins to toil for less… unless we make ministrations to a Holy Trinity that can intercede for us on our behalf and guide the way to greater truths and understanding. There are three parts to any trinity: the Christian doctrine of Trinity teaches the unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as three persons in one Godhead. This doctrine states that God is a Triune God-existing as 3 persons but being one. Trinitarianism also exists in Oriental and Eastern Orthodoxy, Roman Catholic, mainsteam Angelicanism, Methodism, Lutheranism, and Presbyterianism religious traditions. The Oxford dictionary describes the Trinity as the “central dogma of Christian theology.”
Even the “Great Commission” of the Bible teaches “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. (Matthew 28: 19) So there should be no doubt regarding the necessity of this Blessed Threesome and how the components work together as one to form a more perfect union.
Normally the Congregation of the Causes of Saints at the Vatican in Rome will vote to canonize a certain Saint after a verification of 2 medical miracles has been made. Sometimes it can take decades of investigation and work to look into entrance to the pantheon of saints for a particular blessed soul. Searching for a relic to present to the Pope at sanctification is necessary in that a relic is needed as proof that the person existed. A relic can be something touched by a saint, worn by a saint, or even an actual body part of the saint.
I present this information as a metamorphisis into a plea that The Church of Chris Martin begin the processing of a third Blessed Saint to complete the trimurti needed to intercede on the Church’s behalf - both in earthly and heavenly time dimensions.
Yes - we first inculcated Bono out of U2 into Sainthood, only to have him become “the mouth that roared” insults such as “wanker” and “cretin” at our beloved Soul Master, Chris Martin, thus proving Saints aren’t perfect, but Bono, despite his over-sized ego, is close to it and we’ll take him as the Church’s first official Saint - if not for his AIDS work in Africa alone - I would categorize Bono as the Church’s PRIMARY SAINT.
A LESSER SAINT (and one picked personally by the Arch Pope Drobbingdon) would be Saint Mark King out of Level 42. Now this selection mystifies me, but I have it on good authority that Saint Mark King’s melodies are admired and his fixation on the number 42 is also shared by Chris Martin - which seems to indicate qualification for Lesser Sainthood.
Finally, as the True Widow and a noble Woman of good character, it is I who personally appeal to the decent proclivities of the Church to elevate Holy Assistant Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana into the 3rd element of the pantheon and bring him the spiritual and metaphysical prominence he deserved while on the earthly plane but never quite received. Despite the nay-sayers and the Mormom infidels from Las Vegas who blasphemize Kurt Cobain, he was a good and decent man. Any inproprieties he exhibited while alive in spirit can be mosty attributed to his harridan wife who tricked him into marriage and a nasty drug habit that began in the rainy, depressing suicide city of Seattle. Rest assured, Holy Assistant Kurt Cobain made it into heaven and rests at the hand of the Holy See. Assistant Kurt is ready, willing, and able to assist the Church of Chris Martin, as needed, with just a prayer to beseech him to intercede on our behalves.
Members of this Great Church, hear me please! Cast your vote for sainthood for this fine man and the last puzzle piece needed to complete our trifecta of goodness! When all saints are in place and ready to go, we will finally be spiritually equipped to take on the scourge of coldplaying.com and triumph in power and glory over them. We need the three to attain enough devout goodness in prayer and in thought to overcome the Satans that exist in both earthly thought realms and the great beyond. Until then, I - the True Widow - can only pray and plead for your attention and obligation to the Church that will compel you to take the time and vote. There are plenty of both dead and alive Saints that can be called up next for a vote and of course the first that comes to mind would be dearly departed Michael Jackson.
That would give us some saint diversity in elevating a (somewhat) black man into the realm. I would also put forward a few women for political correctness: Saint Holy Gwyneth Paltrow, Saint Blessed Beyonce, Saint Cougar Madonna, and a personal favorite of the widow - Saint Brandon Boyd out of Incubus. Please pray for guidance on these issues and know that it is I who pleads for your attention to this very important matter: complete the trifecta of the pantheon of Saints and show the devotion and love due to a great man - the late Grunge God out of Nirvana, the dearly beloved Kurt Cobain. Thank you.
Last in the series. Thanks to everyone who contributed to the forums and to those who post in the comments now. This wouldn’t be a Church without you. It would be a fat bearded man in a cellar, talking to himself.
Christiaan
Fun.. but don’t go too far
Oke guys.
I’m like a huge fan of coldplay and stuff.
And i see the fun side of your website.
But don’t take it too far.
Chill out and get a life.
Go out and love.
Have a nice day!
Garlic Host
Re: Fun.. but don’t go too far
You don’t get it. It’s deadly serious. In a way…
Decipher the codes!
“and I’m not gonna stand and wait
not gonna leave it until it’s much too late
oh on a platform i’m gonna stand and sing
that I’m nothing on my own
and I love you please come home
my song is love, is love unknown
and I’ve got to get that message home”
- A Message by Chris Martin
Heirophant
Re: Fun.. but don’t go too far
Yeah, Garlic - just think of all the lyrics where Chris talks about puzzles and codes to be solved -
“the sign that I couldn’t read
or the light that I couldn’t see
some things you have to believe
but others are puzzles, puzzling me” (Speed of Sound)
“Do you feel like a puzzle, you can’t find your missing piece?” (Talk)
“Under the surface trying to break through
Deciphering the codes in you
I need a compass, draw me a map” (Square One)
…and the puzzle code on the cover of x&y.
So what is the answer? THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN!
Garlic Host
Re: Fun.. but don’t go too far
And it’s not like the puzzles are that hard.
Even the bible has its Song of Songs that clearly combine eartly and divine love, or at least this is how it’s interpreted by most.
Now check again CM’s lyrics. Many claim he’s singing simple lovesongs to his girlfriend, wife or kids but it really doesn’t make sense that way:
“oh on a platform i’m gonna stand and sing”
Chris says he’s on stage because of…
“that I’m nothing on my own”
to tell he cannot live without his wife?? C’mon!
“and I love you please come home”
that he misses her?? But then check this:
“my song is love, is love unknown”
love ‘unknown’?? A secret lover? This makes no sense if he’s singing to his wife or anyone people know. It’s a ‘hidden’ love, an ‘occult’ one.
“and I’ve got to get that message home”
This last bit has so many possible meanings that I cannot start listing them here.
Bono has many lyrics like this, mixing love poetry with biblical passages and mystical or religious state of minds.(’she moves in mysterious ways’, ‘who’se gonna ride your wild horses’). And surprise surprise U2 is Coldplays ‘great example’.
Garlic Host
Re: Fun.. but don’t go too far
Forgot to mention.
First the phrase: “please come home”
then: “get that message home”.
So who is at home now and who is away? Again this is classic gnostic thinking, the wandering ‘lost sheep’, which is in itself ‘message’ (DNA) or also called Sophia in certain traditions.
Heirophant
Re: Fun.. but don’t go too far
Another great post, Garlic
Whenever CM sings about home (a.k.a. Clocks) he means his spiitual home, the Kingdom Of Heaven. He struggles to return to that state of being himself (”How long do I have to climb/Upon the side of this mountain of mine?”) and to lead us all there with him. Therefore, he is more of a Bohdisatva than a Jesus figure, who lets face it, just buggered off after the ressurection.
Love Unknown - he is referring to the love between Jesus and the Magdalene, which is unknown in the canonical Gospels, but is writ large in the Gnostic Gospels, such as the Gospel of Judas, or the Gospel of Mary, mentioned in Da Vincis Code.
~H
—————————————-
“I wanna live in a wooden house”
Petra & SALTS
Re: Fun.. but don’t go too far
Garlic and Heiro, yep, bullseye.
“Whenever CM sings about home (a.k.a. Clocks) he means his spiitual home, the Kingdom Of Heaven.”
to this I say:
“Oh take me back to the STAR.”
(if you listen carefully to The Scientist there is no “T” sound at the end when he supposively says “take me back to the start”, more accurately he is saying “take me back to the STAR” …look at the stars, look how they shine for you, etc. Star being the source, the morning star, infinite love/consciousness, etc, etc, etc…This I think is why coldplay have never published any official lyrics, then it would be too obvious.
Garlic Host
Re: Fun.. but don’t go too far
Garlic wrote about Coldplay’s song Message:
“my song is love, is love unknown
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don’t have to be alone
love ‘unknown’?? A secret lover? This makes no sense if he’s singing to his wife or anyone people know. It’s a ‘hidden’ love, an ‘occult’ one.”
Some evidence of CM’s inspiration one can find in the source of this bit of lyric, which I didn’t realize before. It’s taken from Samuel Crossman’s hymn from 1664:”My song is love unknown, My Savior’s love to me, Love to the loveless shown”.
So Chris leaves out the “My Savior’s love to me” and quotes this Christian hymn. Now Coldplay is not known to be a Christian band, so what drives CM to put all these things in the lyrics? A closet Christian? Or someone who went deeper to the core of Christianity, like the Gnostics, someone who entered the light himself and was “send back” to us to tell about it mixing new and old words?
Now, the True Widow is no shrinking violet - she has had many run-ins with the”original widow”, some of which ended up being litigated. Fights and power struggles are nothing new to her, and she does possess a combative tendency. These interactions, however, were great instruction on how one is to behave as a COC girl, when put in a compromising position. Stay Calm, Stand Tall, Stay Firm & drop the Church moniker as often as needed, to protect life, liberty and expensive breast implants once behind the jail walls.
The World today is in turmoil — fraught with danger, intrigue, deaths of celebrities-from A to D-list, and the continuing menace of coldplaying,com. Must we wake each morning to more bad economic news, saber-rattling from North Korea’s Dr. Demento, and another minor league musician claiming “Viva La Vida” was ripped off from them? Is there hope for our planet? Must life always be a constant struggle against chaos? Can we turn to our heroes for the hope we need to struggle through another day? Does Miley Cyrus really think Chris Martin is hot, despite her own mother’s admonitions?
I present this information as a metamorphisis into a plea that The Church of Chris Martin begin the processing of a third Blessed Saint to complete the trimurti needed to intercede on the Church’s behalf - both in earthly and heavenly time dimensions.
A LESSER SAINT (and one picked personally by the Arch Pope Drobbingdon) would be Saint Mark King out of Level 42. Now this selection mystifies me, but I have it on good authority that Saint Mark King’s melodies are admired and his fixation on the number 42 is also shared by Chris Martin - which seems to indicate qualification for Lesser Sainthood.
Members of this Great Church, hear me please! Cast your vote for sainthood for this fine man and the last puzzle piece needed to complete our trifecta of goodness! When all saints are in place and ready to go, we will finally be spiritually equipped to take on the scourge of coldplaying.com and triumph in power and glory over them. We need the three to attain enough devout goodness in prayer and in thought to overcome the Satans that exist in both earthly thought realms and the great beyond. Until then, I - the True Widow - can only pray and plead for your attention and obligation to the Church that will compel you to take the time and vote. There are plenty of both dead and alive Saints that can be called up next for a vote and of course the first that comes to mind would be dearly departed Michael Jackson.