Welcome to our contribution to Blog Action Day, when thousands of middle-class entrepreneurs change the world by posting on their blogs AT THE SAME TIME! (Although I am a little confused, as I thought we made poverty history at Live8 a couple of years ago?)
Poverty is something that Chris Martin, and therefore the Church of CM, care deeply about. He goes to Africa and that kind of thing, but all we can do is this post.
First, some FACTS about poverty -
Poverty is spread by a virus, just like flu, AIDS, obesity and being Chinese. It is therefore NOT THEIR FAULT, and one day a cure will be found.
People suffering from poverty may experience some or all of the following symptoms - frustration, depression, laziness, dressing badly, smoking, regional accents, being Polish, Sun reading, heavy use of Lynx deodorant.
There are two types of poverty. Absolute poverty is when you cant afford stuff like an iPod or a Wii. Relative poverty is when you don’t have as much money as that no-good brother-in-law of yours.
When meeting a poverty suffererer, one should adopt a swagger, swear more than normal, and attempt to engage them in a conversation about football. This should prevent a happy-slapping or stabbing.
Giving money to charity is a good way to avoid the feelings of guilt about buying cheap goods made by poor foreigners from Tesco, Ikea or MacDonalds.
What YOU can do to fight poverty -
Go to Uni and make sure you get a good job.
Learn to speak with a proper accent.
Save your money and get on the property ladder as soon as possible.
The web is abuzz with the news that Chris Martin has had a few tattoos done. It seems to be a sort of mid-life crisis thing, but like twenty years too early. “Getting tattooed is brilliant,” he quipped, “It’s the best buzz ever – especially if you are married and can’t take drugs because the Daily Mirror might find out.” (Of course, he doesn’t take drugs because it is WRONG.)
But what tattoos would someone like Chris get? And where? The Church of Chris Martin reveals all!
Chris’s first tattoo was of his all-time hero (and future CoCM Saint?) John Lennon, on his left arm. The portrait is a copy of the photograph that came with the seminal White Album - although Chris finds the record a bit rough and much prefers Abbey Road!
Next came a portrait of the greatest poet of the Twentieth Century - at least until Chris came along! - Jim Morrison out of the Doors. His poetry was a great influence on CM - “Heads bob up, poise, delicate, pause, consent; In mute nostril agony, carefully refined and sealed over.” Chris also wishes he was brave enough to be influenced by hisflowing Byronic locks. This doesn’t mean that Chris approves of alcoholism or exhibitionism, however.
Then Chris decided on something more spiritual. He decided to adorn his left thigh with a traditional Thai representation of Maytrayia, the future Buddha - which, ironically, Chris Martin may in fact be! He chose a Thai Buddha due to the terrible tsunami that had recently hit, causing the western middle-class to empty their pockets in a spontaneous show of guilt for exploiting their poverty for sex-tourism.
He’s not all spirituality, however. The letter that serves as a frame is the sanscrit word for “Sexy“.
His latest tattoo is of TRAGIC OSCAR-SHOE-IN, Heath Ledger. He was brilliant as the Joker, and so maybe he took too much drugs and was a bit of a drunk, but he played a gay guy in Brokeback Mountain when he wasn’t even gay, so leave him alone, okay! The Church of Chris Martin SUPPORTS GAYS.
We at the Church of Chris Martin politely suggest that these might not be the only tattoos that Chris has. Do any of our readers have any suggestions what other body parts might be tattoed, and how?
The Church of Chris Martin is proud to present a new documentary - The Princess Diana Conspiracy: The Coldplay Connection.
Does Chris Martin know why Lady Diana had to die? Do Coldplay lyrics contain hidden references to the conspiracy to kill the Princess of Hearts?
July 1997: Anthony Martin is working for a major accountancy firm based in London. One of the accounts he looks after is that of the El Fayed family, owners of London’s prestigious Harrods store. He receives a letter from them, asking him to start putting an inventory of their business concerns together in preparation for a will to be drawn up. It appears that they were concerned that an attempt or attempts against their lives were going to be made.
Also that month, his son Chris Martin, a History undergraduate at University College, London, having played with starting a boy band called Pectoralz, forms an indie band called Starfish with three friends.
August 31st, 1997: Princess Diana, the best ride in the British royal family, dies in mysterious circumstances in a car crash in Paris. With her is the father of her unborn child, Dodi El Fayed, a Muslim.
May 1999: At Chris Martin’s graduation celebration, his father has a little too much to drink. As Chris, then a teetotal, takes him home in a taxi, his father mumbles something about a plot “to kill the people’s princess”. Chris, surprised at his father’s uncharacteristic behaviour, leaves him slumbering on the sofa and goes to his study. There, he begins to search through his father’s papers from before Diana’s death.
The papers he finds, including the original letter, confirm that Mohammad El Fayed believed not only was there a plot against his life, but that the British Royal Family were behind it. Chris also finds an envelope stuffed with newspaper clippings about Diana, the El Fayeds and MI6.
Later that month, Chris Martin’s band sign a six-album deal with EMI. They immediately enter the studio, but by the time their debut album “Parachutes” is released in 2001, Chris’s lyrics had taken on an new, political edge.
Do Coldplay’s songs contain hidden references to the plot to kill Diana? If he was in on the secret, Chris Martin would certainly be worried that he would become a target by speaking out, so perhaps he hid his knowledge in cryptic lyrics.
In “Yellow”, for example, “I wrote a song for you,” Chris sings to her, “and all the things you do.” But why were they “all Yellow”? As Chris says, “I drew a line for you,” and in Paris, a line means a route on the Metro. Line 1, Cháteau de Vincennes/La Défence, runs immediately beneath the Pont d’Alma tunnel. And what colour is used to symbolise this line on all Metro maps? Yellow. And after that fateful night, her “skin and bones”, her physical life and work, did indeed “turn into something beautiful” - her immortal life in all of our hearts.
But it was with Coldplay’s second LP that Chris grew in confidence and really began to hammer the point home. The opening track, the angry grind of Politik, contains the scene of Diana expiring on the asphalt surrounded by paparazzi (”open up your eyes”), and Chris’s call for openness in the investigation of the case - “Give me real, don’t give me fake.” And the title of the song shows that the larger political issues involved aren’t lost on him, either.
This fact is reflected in the change of name to “Coldplay”, refering to Brzinzki’s “The Grand Chessboard”, the covert international battle for supremacy on the world political stage between the European Christian empires of the 19th and 20th centuries and the Asian Muslim powers of the 21st. Diana’s death was only one move in that game. The players thought she was a pawn - but she was a queen.
“In My Place” and “God Put a Smile Upon Your Face” both contain more references to Metro lines, but it is the former song which contains Chris’s last word. She was lost, but the truth has yet to come out. “How long must we wait for it?” How long before Diana will “come back and sing to me”? We don’t know. Maybe the truth will never come out. But Coldplay’s albums sell in the millions, and if only a few people put together the clues and figure out what Chris is REALLY saying, that means the numbers are growing who demand answers. Until then, we’ll have to learn to deal with Death and All His Friends.
WIFE: Chris is married to American actress Gwyneth Paltrow. She said that he’s “the greatest poet who ever lived”, and she played Sylvia Plath in a movie so she should know.
STAR SIGN: Pisces (fish) (Click here for a full reading) - “Pisceans are emotional and self-depreciating, but love history and the arts. They are often philosopers, musicians, and messiahs.”
PARENTS: His mother was a teacher and his father was an accountant, (not carpenter).
EDUCATION: Sherbourne boys boarding school; Ancient World Studies at University College in London; sign painter.
William Willett was the inventor of daylight saving time, and the great-great-grandfather of Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. Riding his horse early one summer morning, he noticed that most houses still had their blinds down, and the idea for daylight saving time occurred to him.
Lights go out and I can’t be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
You’ve put me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead
In 1907 William self-published a pamphlet “The Waste of Daylight”, in which he petitioned that clocks should be advanced by 80 minutes in the summer. The evenings would then remain light for longer, increasing daylight recreation time and also saving lighting costs.
Come out of things unsaid, shoot an apple off my head
Trouble that can’t be named, tigers waiting to be tamed (singing)
You are, you are
Willett campaigned vigourously, and made several unsuccessful attempts to his pioneering idea passed into law. Only with the outbreak of the First World War was the idea taken seriously, primarily because of the need to save coal. Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks
Come back and take you home, I could not stop, that you now know
Come out upon my seas, curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?
Germany had already introduced the scheme when the bill was finally passed in Britain on May 17, 1916 and the clocks were advanced by an hour on the following Sunday.
And nothing else compares…
William Willett did not live to see daylight saving become law, as he died of influenza in 1915 at the age of 58. He is commemorated in Petts Wood by a memorial sundial, set permanently to daylight saving time.
His latest tattoo is of TRAGIC OSCAR-SHOE-IN, Heath Ledger. He was brilliant as the Joker, and so maybe he took too much drugs and was a bit of a drunk, but he played a gay guy in Brokeback Mountain when he wasn’t even gay, so leave him alone, okay! The Church of Chris Martin SUPPORTS GAYS.
FAVE MOVIE: Titanic
William Willett was the inventor of 
In 1907 William self-published a pamphlet “The Waste of Daylight”, in which he petitioned that clocks should be advanced by 80 minutes in the summer. The evenings would then remain light for longer, increasing daylight recreation time and also saving lighting costs.
Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks
And nothing else compares… 