DEAN DROBBINGDON AKA SEAN EDDINGTON AKA ROB DEANINGTON
CAUCASIAN, AGE 46
FOLLOWING THE INVESTIGATION OF SOME FINANCIAL IRREGULARITIES FOUND DURING THE PRODUCTION OF VIVA LA VIDA - THE MUSICAL, A WARRANT HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR THE ARREST OF DEAN DROBBINGDON, WHO DISAPPEARED FROM HIS LONDON HOME LAST WEEK. AS A RESULT, THIS WEBSITE HAS BEEN SEIZED ALONG WITH ALL CHURCH ASSETS, PENDING INVESTIGATION.
A REWARD IS OFFERED FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO HIS ARREST.
Brethren & Sistren, it is I, your Sanctified Father & Archpope of the Church of Chris Martin.
This year has seen many glorious opportunities to move forward our Blessed agenda of Praising & Promoting the Holy Name of Our Soul Master. The internet popularity of our website has surged and we continue to amass a turgid following of believers. The Holy War with out accursed nemesis, coldplaying.com, shows signs of drawing to a conclusion with a peace treaty of sorts, so that we may co-operate at Glastonbury 2010. Many Church nay-sayers would have this intense rivalry continue, but I shall banish this trouble-making faction from the Church, if need be.
Despite Chris Martin’s apparent Las Vegas indiscretions, no small number of C:O:C: women (and chicks.dig.coldplay) are hoping for a bifurcation of Prophet Martin’s marriage to Mother Gwyneth, so these female Church-goers may attain a “horizontal confession” with Chris Martin. These are private matters, so I shall make no comment; I myself, am in a state of marital turmoil with my own supposed “better half.” Let me reassure the Church congregation and Elders that I have used no monies collected from believers towards the unremitting legal expenses incurred due to my own nasty break-up.
Furthermore, the strong usage of antibiotics and probiotics has cured me of the various maladies I picked up from “worshipping” and “studying Coldplay lyrics” with many desirable C:O:C: “artistes.” These women have become the face (and other body parts) of our Church, and they are a dynamic force that has raised our profile - especially with the Tour Buses that ply the muddy roads leading to massive arena shows and the drooling, panting ROCK STARS that grace them. We have these BIG ROCK STARS begging to be mentioned in our posts and offering the Church MONIES to be made Apostles and Saints in our rectory of rectum-hood. Fortunately, my “Father Drobbingdon Indulgence Program” can absolve many of these ROCK STARS from their sins, and if the “Indulgence” is large enough, they can be elevated into High Eldership at the Church and sit alongside BrotheRob, the True Widow, Holy Pilgrims 3, and various assorted C:O:C: women on the Stage of Sanctification during Chris Martin services.
Let me also THANK this Great Church for the HONOR of winning the “Father Drobbingdon Award” for 2009! As I have been the ONLY recipient of this award since its inception, I appreciate the solemn devotion and cherish the Church extending it’s LOVE to me, their most HOLY PASTOR! My humbleness shall also be noted here.
Please, Brethren & Sistren and HONORABLE friends, continue to honor and greet one another with a kiss, and know that The WORLD will soon marvel at our wisdom and knowledge in elevating Chris Martin into HOLY PROPHET-HOOD-DOM. The new “striped-down” Coldplay acoustic music will most certainly bring about the GREAT and HOLY THINGS that our Church has predicted.
Go in the Spirit of Chris and Bless the World with the Knowledge of “Yellow” that shall be forever more. VIVA!
Think those knob heads at coldplaying.com are the only ones who can hand out Chris Martin awards for 2009? THINK AGAIN!
The Church of Chris Martin has seen a tremendous 2009-as we crown our 3rd Holy Saint; as our list of drooling ROCK STAR FRIENDS grow exponentially; we gasp in awe as the C:O:C: Girls Bust sizes expand almost as fast as the amount of antibiotics they must consume to stay afield of “viruses.” Father Drobbingdon climbed out of the closet… um… I mean cellar, and Mother Drobbingdon made him pay for that bunker time by turning into a first class SHREW! Divorce attorneys are salivating in anticipation of one messy divorce! Yes, Holy Church brethren & sistren, there is much to celebrate! Let Us Begin:
BEST SMILEY FACE: various basement-wankers from coldplaying.com — who give their imbecile-selves away with those dreadful yellow smiley faces on their inane posts & comments.
SEXIEST USER: That would have to automatically be the C:O:C: Girls — who have single-handedly revitalized this Great Sanctuary with their X-rated antics, stopped many a tour bus full of horny rock stars, & made Father Drobbingdon realize that Viagra is nothing to be ashamed of!
MOST IMPROVED: without a doubt, SAINT BONO! — Seething with jealousy earlier this year when Coldplay hauled all the good awards home - he even attempted to steal the Coldplay thunder at February’s Grammy Awards! But he must have had a revelation, since Saint Bono has purged his mouth of insults, and even lent the 360 Tour Jet to the boys when their tour plane conked out in Scandanavia. Now fully taken back back into the Church fold, we look forward to his attendance at Glastonbury Pilgrim’s invocation at Glastonbury 2010.
Faithful Award: BrotheRob — once another coldplaying freak but deemed too “weird” for even that defiled website, so of course he was welcomed here at the Church of Chris Martin. Count on this Brother to contribute a weekly or bi-weekly ode to nothing really and very obtuse and incomprehensible at that! Father Drobbingdon consider him to be like a son!
MOST PROLIFIC: chicks.dig.coldplay — lovely lady who worships the ground Chris Martin walks on. Always pining for the day that Chris leaves Gwyneth and makes an honest woman out of her. The Church hopes that “Chicks” is patient!
BEST CHURCH EVENT: Yellow Tent Event, Glastonbury 2009 — Muddy, Rainy, depraved, & Loads of Fun! Even the Vice cops admitted they enjoyed their “freebies”! Without a doubt, the cause of the largest increase in the sale of antibiotics and pregnancy tests in Britain for many a year!
Father Drobbingdon Award: again goes to FATHER DROBBINGDON! — The Face, the Heart, the Soul of this Sanctuary of Coldplay Love. A spiritual crisis of faith sent him into the bunker but he arose - resurrected - a new man. He wins the award in his name yet again & gives all of us hope that someday us simple Church devotees might aspire to be the Saint and Soul of Goodness (and Humbleness) that the Father embodies.
VIVA CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! Go in Peace & Humility! Praise All that is Coldplay and Glorify the HOLY ONE: Chris Martin for his is the Music of the Ages and forever more. Greet one another with a kiss (french) and know that the Prophet Martin will never be “Lost” and his “Strawberry Swing” never “Yellow” when “Clocks” strikes the hour of remittance. Viva!
It’s starting right now, as I type this. The X-Factor final, the biggest night of the year (UK only). Will Danny look hotter than Cheryl? Will Joe come out live on TV? Will Simon become so self-satisfied that he collapses under his own smugness, sucking everyone else in the rooms’ self-esteem into himself in a black hole of superiority?
Probably! But the question on the lips of every person who thinks and feels is… will Chris Martin appear and do a duet with Stacy Solomon? Supposedly, she’s supposed to be singing with Michael Bublé, but nobody wants to see that, and after Beyoncé’s appearance last year, who knows? We know that Simon’s been on the phone, and maybe Chris wants a break from the studio.
And don’t forget, Stacy sung The Scientist in week 1:
So? Will it happen? I WILL UPDATE LATER!
UPDATE: No!!!! Michael fucking Bublé, dammit!!! Bad show, Simon. Bad show.
The C:O:C: Girls are in a Festive Mood! Not just because Chris Martin might be cheating on Gwyneth and there might be a chance for some of the girls to attain “spiritual fulfillment” with our Soul Master! Not because Saint Bono is coming to Glastonbury 2010 and perhaps will be available for some “Irish Cream” behind the Yellow Tents! And not because Father Drobbingdon has served the divorce papers on that shrew of a wife and will soon be free to “study Coldplay lyrics” with some of the younger, more curvaceous disciples! Rather, the C:O:C: girls have balls on their minds!
Though the Yellow Tent has been put away until Glastonbury 2010, that doesn’t mean all the behind-the-scene’s “shenanigans” have put to bed. Quite the contrary-despite the accusations of vice cops and public health workers–the C:O:C: “artistes” remain (somewhat) ambulatory & ready to celebrate the “joys” of the season! As a token of their love and appreciation for all the blessings bestowed on them this year, the lovely ladies will be doing a Holiday C:O:C: Ball Hanging and Dance-a-thon. This C:O:C: tree-decorating will be the social highlight of the Holiday party season and any drooling Rock Star worth his weight in groupies will want his own personal balls hung by a C:O:C:!
I can see it now: balls festooned with the names of Saint Bono, Bishop-Elect McCartney (a C:O:C: tour bus favorite) Saint Mark King, newly-minted Saint Cobain, Pope Elvis Presley, token black potential Saint Michael Jackson, and others too numerous to mention. Beautiful multi-colored lights will gently drape the tree and mistletoe will hang. The topper will be a paper mache sculpture of our Church object of desire: Chris Martin! He will reign over all the lesser subject balls that dot the C:O:C: tree. The C:O:C: girls have choreographed a special “artiste” dance that creatively captures the overwhelming desire of love and admiration the girls have towards the Coldplay frontman. It will, of course, as the spirit of sublime spiritual love overwhelms the girls, degenerate into a naked expression of emotion, until they begin to disappear into the bushes with the special guests.
To honor Father Drobingdon, all the girls got together - au naturale - for a photo-shoot! Yes, so much fun and frivolity was had on the side of the road this summer with our Arch Pope, that a momento was called for. (It is important that this photo SHALL NOT fall into the hands of Mother Drobbingdon, as she may deign to use it in the divorce proceedings!) Father Drobbingdon has shown so much “paternal devotion” and “chaste concern” to certain C:O:C: ladies that they all wished to show their naked gratitude to this Devoted Over-Seer and Master of Chris Martin’s Church!
The Holidays are a time of remembrance of the past year’s delights and triumphs. We celebrate all the new friends made, in prison, the bushes or Yellow Tents. One is thankful for bail bondsmen, charming barristers and negative health dept. tests. Father Drobbingdon is always grateful for antibiotics and pitbull divorce attorneys.
The True Widow took the most well-behaved bunch of C:O:C:’s to the prison where she was (voluntarily) locked up & passed out Xmas cookies, cosmetic samples and sanitary supplies to the many jailbird friends she made while incarcerated! Christmas carols were sung and the group studied Coldplay lyrics while admiring flattering photos of Chris Martin. This activity was instrumental in turning many of the gay girls hetero - or at least bi - when they beheld the magnificence of our Church Soul Master!
So as we gather among the decorated Magi & scenes of the Virgin and Child in the manger, let us call upon the better angels of our nature and NOT cast aspersions on the “Loose” knit group of Church of Chris women better known as the C:O:C:’s! They may be of a somewhat dubious character & easily-begotten charms, but they all LOVE Chris Martin as we all do. Let us HONOR that this season, as we celebrate all that is Holy, Blessed and Divine among us - namely Prophet of the Female Messiah, Chris Martin! Viva!
Hey Saint Francis - there’s a new playa in town, and he be down with the animals too! As a matter-of-fact, Chris Martin took a personal vow of poverty - despite being inordinately wealthy - and his gentle spirit is entrusted by animals big and small! He is your spiritual brother in animal husbandry!
Chris reaches out with his music and his heart to the many folks for whom their pet is their only true companion. The bond between a person and a pet is a bond like no other, of two creatures aligned in love. Let us cast a blessing on these devoted followers and their little friends, that goes something like this:
“Blessed are you, Lord God, maker of all living creatures. You called forth fish in the sea, birds to fly at the speed of light through the air and animals on the land. You inspired St. Francis (and Chris Martin) to call all of them his brothers and sisters. We ask you to bless this pet. By the power of your love, enable it to live according to your plan. May we always praise you for all your beauty in creation. We live in a beautiful world! Viva!”
Then the pet is sprinkled with some Holy Water (which is bottled water that has traveled on the Coldplay Tour bus/Lear Tour Jet & been within proximity of Chris Martin for 24 hours or more). A procession of animals is then begun - from the lowliest rat up to the biggest horse - all go trotting from the Church rectory, to the field of yellow wheat, where an assembly is about to begin!
It is Chris Martin of Assisi - a modern day Saint and friend to all, human and animal. The gathering is hushed in anticipation; the donkeys have stopped braying, the cats no longer lick their paws. The canine adventurers have halted their humpings. All are in rapt attention. St. Chris Martin of Assisi strides to the podium in his regal gold & purple robe, a kingly crown atop his head.
“HELLO CLEVELAND!! Oops… I mean to say… I, the Holiest of Saints, in conjunction with my forbearer - Saint Francis of Assisi - hereby do bestow upon these animals the sprinkling of the Holy Coldplay water, and a Blessing that the Sacred Animal Spirit shall never be extinguished or perish. Viva!”
Just like his namesake, Saint Chris Martin of Assisi honors and loves the birds and animals that flit about the gardens of his various mansions throughout the world. All the money he has amassed hasn’t blinded him to the beauty of nature. And with this knowledge, he hereby blesses the innocent creatures.
May we give all hosannas to Saint Chris Martin of Assisi, and to all God’s living things. May the birds and bees sing to the high heavens to the Glory of Coldplay forever more. Viva!
