May 9th 2008 “Coldplay Star Heals Potato-headed Cripple”
EXCLUSIVE: Coldplay’s music isn’t just hugely successful – it can cure diseases beyond the scope of modern medicine, it is claimed.
Chris Martin must feel pretty lucky these days – he sells millions of records, he’s won a Grammy, and has two children with his beautiful film star wife, and all by the age of 30. His rapid rise to fame has been nothing short of miraculous.
Now it seems like that might be literally true. An Invernesian man is claiming that his meeting with the Coldplay singer has cured him of a chronic illness.
Scott Macdonald (47) has suffered from the debilitating and painful condition Spine Abifida since birth. It left him unable to work and in need of constant care. But Scott is an optimistic soul, and never let the disease squash his spirit.
“I’ve always loved music. It’s helped me deal with my condition,” said the brave youngster. “I taught myself to play the guitar. Coldplay are my favourite band because they’re brilliant and their songs are so uplifting, and so I was delighted when my best friend bought me tickets to see them playing at the S.E.C.C.”
After the show, Scott was invited backstage with all the other wheelchair cases to meet the band. “They were all lovely,” he says, “but when I shook hands with Chris, something funny happened. It felt like I was being electrocuted, but in a nice way. I looked up at him and he just smiled… A week later, my Spine Abifida had cleared right up.”
He insists that Chris Martin somehow healed him, spontaneously and miraculously, and amazingly, he’s not the only one. A Ukrainian woman has alleged that hearing ‘Yellow’ cured her jaundice, and a 15-year old girl seems to have regained her sight during ‘In My Place’ at a Hamburg concert. However, there is no evidence at present to back the claims up. Chris Martin has thus far declined to comment.
Perhaps finding that evidence is a job for ‘The Scientist’. Hoping to avoid ‘Trouble’, this blog suggests that perhaps these individuals experienced nothing more than ‘A Rush of Blood to the Head’.
No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History and miracles and news
Musically, they’ve turned up the guitar and stuck 30 seconds of ambience on the front to make it long enough to be a single. This now means they are OFFICIALLY EDGY AND EXPERIMENTAL and NOT COMMERCIAL ANYMORE.
The song is a plea from Chris to God, asking for a sign. In X&Y, he recieved his vision from God, but in the four years inbetween, nothing has changed. Poverty is not History, AIDS is still rife, and Noel Edmunds is STILL on TV.
In this incredibly layered metaphor, Chris says he will think for himself, refusing to adopt the values of CORRUPT LEADERS like George Bush who are like the Captains of a failing civilisation, as long as the people remain emotionally frozen subconsciously. You don’t get shit like that from Keane, do you?
The four group members, their wives and their many children, gathered at Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s London pad for an afternoon of revelry, and a break from their punishing schedule of marketing the new LP. They enjoyed a few ales and partook of the traditional St. George’s Day festivities. These included -
Re-watching the 1966 World Cup Final - Everyone must say “They think it’s all over - it is now!” at the appropriate moment. Extra kudos can be earned by wearing a Bobby Charlton comb-over wig, or by going to a foreign country en masse, getting blind drunk and fighting with the locals.
A Minute’s Silence for the Queen - The Queen is a German enchantress who has somehow managed to bewitch the English into believing that she is somehow more than human. They not only give her money, but even the lives of their sons. She represents nothing that is progressive, equal or sane, yet grown Englishmen will still weep over their Christmas dinners as she reads a speech written by someone else, without any emotion or theatrical flair.
When the fun was over, what else was there to do but to all sit down to a meal of traditional English food - a macrobiotic, organic Chicken Tikka Masala, specially created by their private chef, Farouk Sanddu.
“We have tested it in every possible circumstance, and so far no-one has been able to make it past the second verse without blubbering,” a top expert said. “We’ve played it to everything from monkeys to shrews - if it has a tear duct, it’ll wail. In fact, we didn’t even know that fruit-flies could cry, and they seem to be secreting a greyish liquid through their carapaces in a grotesque pastiche of their emotional human masters.”
“We even played it to a Nazi. He broke at the end of the chorus, whimpering like a prick. Only one other person that we tested managed to suppress their lamentations any further into the song - the “popular” “singer” and world-renouned rhyming slang, James Blunt.”
But even its being an officially-sanctioned supernatural religious phenomenon hasn’t stopped some people thinking of ways that it could be put to more practical use. Expect Coldplay to allow the track to be used in anger management sessions (allowing the release of pent-up emotions), rape alarms (not only immobilising the attacker with bitter sobs, but probably ruining his erection too), and for teachers, the song having been proven to take a class of 30 working-class children from an intense hysteria to a pathetic anguished whimpering in just under 42 seconds.
It looks like the Church of Chris Martin’s daring critique of the state has finally come to the attention of “the Powers that Be”.
So what can we make of this? Is New York magazine so chronically short of ideas that it needs to mock an honest religion? And if you want a religion to ridicule, what’s wrong with Scientology?
Matthew (Man, Water)
Mark (Lion, Fire)
Luke (Bull, Earth)
John (Eagle, Air)
While his wife GWYNETH PALTROW was in New York recently, shooting her new movie, rumours circulated concerning their relationship. They had a fight in a trailer. Gwyneth has recently been seen kissing a MYSTERIOUS UNNAMED FAT MAN. “They are fighting for their marriage,” one close friend of the couple claimed.
But that might not be all that Chris Martin has to fight for. Because after getting drunk at JAY-Z and BEYONCÉ’S wedding reception, Chris found himself impressed by more than just the rap star’s bling. To put it bluntly, Chris seems ready to trade in STICK-THIN geeky Gwyneth for an altogether CURVIER model.
Coldplay have brought the release of their forthcoming album forward – presumably so that Chris can be on tour as soon as possible. Jay-Z might have quit the music biz, but it sounds like he might have ONE MORE BIG HIT left in him.