The Church of Chris Martin

Are you ready for the Spiritual Revolution?

According to these guys, the first single off Viva la Vida will be Violet Hill, and will be released on May 6th.

April 17 2008 | news | No Comments »

The Church vs New York magazine

It looks like the Church of Chris Martin’s daring critique of the state has finally come to the attention of “the Powers that Be”.

New York magazine have published what can only been seen as a vicious attack on the Church of Chris Martin. This week’s Vulture column features a blatant pastiche of the Church’s Viva la Vida post.

First, the piece “borrows” the track-by-track breakdown format. Next, they mock our assertion that “Lost” was inspired by the hit TV show, claiming that it contains ridiculous “lyrics” about “Kate, Locke and Sayid”.

But the biggest affront comes in their description of 42: “Some have speculated that the title of this upbeat track is an allusion to Douglas Adams’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy as Martin is an admitted fan of the book.” For “some”, read “The Church of CM”, AKA “me”.

“Actually,” the piece continues, “It’s a tribute to the 42 people who currently hold the Guinness World Record for the largest number of persons to fit in a car at once (the Moss Bay Majorettes from Jacksonville, Florida, who crammed into a Jaguar XJ6 in August of 1984).” New York magazine seems to have forgotton that Chris Martin is English, and unlikely to be concerned with small towns in Florida, Louisiana or even Wisconsin, as the “article” claims.

So what can we make of this? Is New York magazine so chronically short of ideas that it needs to mock an honest religion? And if you want a religion to ridicule, what’s wrong with Scientology?

Or is what the Church is saying SO DANGEROUS that the New York intelligentsia need to SILENCE us? Do they need to crucify someone, just because we have found the new Messiah, JUST LIKE THE LAST TIME? It’s not like we denied the Holocaust or anything!

{The Church of Chris Martin will return with “What Holocaust?” - stay tuned!}

April 15 2008 | news and site news | No Comments »

FAN FINDS MIRACLE IMAGE ON SOILED COLDPLAY NAPKIN

EXCLUSIVE: until September this year, Mandy Lyon was just an ordinary person. She went to work, drove her car, watched TV and hung around school playgrounds, just like you or me. But that was before Chris Martin walked into her life. Now, Mandy is just one of the growing number of people who are reporting miracles while in the presence of the one they are calling “the College-Rock Messiah”.

IDLE

Mandy was working as usual, waiting table’s in Turin’s Veronica Cafe, and looking forward to finishing her shift. Her favourite band, Coldplay, were playing a show that night, and she had tickets. She’d waited month for the concert, but it seemed as though these last few hours would last forever.

But when she woke from her daydreaming and looked at the customers on her last table, she almost died of fright. She immediately recognized them as Coldplay - and closest to her, her idol, Chris Martin.

GUACAMOLE

She brought their organic and largely salad-based lunch to them. “Chris was having the nachos,” she later noted with a smile, “He would, he’s edgy.” After a while, she returned to offer them Fair-Trade coffee. They chatted and joked with her, as if she was one of the crew or something. She really felt like she was helping them have a good time.

But when they stood to leave, Mandy noticed with alarm that Chris had some quacamole on his chin. “I don’t know what happened… I didn’t know what to say, so I just reached up and wiped it off his face, with a paper napkin.” She described the ‘beatific’ look he gave her - “His eyes seemed to burn through me, but in a nice way. They seemed to go on forever.”

IMPRINT

Mandy stood rooted to the floor as they left. After a moment, she realised that she was still clutching the napkin with which she had wiped Chris Martin’s face. And she opened it, to see that a miracle had occurred. On the napkin was the EXACT IMAGE of his face, TRANSFERRED like a PHOTOGRAPH upon the paper. So PERFECT was the image that NO-ONE could EVER POSSIBLY consider that it was not a miracle.

Let’s leave the last word to Mandy - “It was a sign that Chris had seen me - the real me - and that he could see through me. He saw my soul. He can see through our petty human lives, straight through to the humanity within.”

“Plus, I guess it made it okay that they didn’t leave a tip.”

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE NAPKIN

April 12 2008 | news | No Comments »

Viva la Vida

The fourthcoming fourth gospel AKA “album” from Coldplay is coming and I cant wait!! £¬}

What we know so far -

1. Brian Eno and Timbaland producing

(Brian Eno = good choice, he did the Joshua Tree after all. Plus Bowie. Timbaland = bad choice. Are they crazy?! Chris isnt Madonna or Kelly Furtado, or some pop act and I dont’ want him to be!)

2. Spanish influence (!)

3. Best song ever

The possible tracklisting is as follows -

1. “Poppy Fields” - War is wrong
2. “Lost“ - about Chris’s fave TV show
3. ‘42‘ - This is “The Meaning of Life” in Douglas Adams “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”, which Chris already named “Don’t Panic” after. But it’s also one of the numbers from “Lost”!
4. ‘Yes‘ - Chris’s positive message again. “We all live in a beautiful world”, In My Place, etc.
5. ‘Death And All His Friends‘ - a tribute to CM’s fave writer, Terry Pratchett, who tragically has been diagnosed with Spina Bifida
6. ‘Cemeteries Of London‘ - The Blitz (eg War is Wrong)
7. ‘Chinese Sleep Chant‘ - Communism is wrong
8. “Leftrightleftrightleft” - War is wrong
9. ‘Rainy Day‘ - Just classic Coldplay stuff.

The claim is that this album will be very different. In the Bible, John, the fourth Gospel, is very different, both in style and content, from the synoptics that preceed it (Mathhew, Mark and Luke). Is this Coldplays Gospel of John, the “Gnostic Gospel”?

Or do the four albums correspond to the elements - earth, air, fire and water?The four evangelists and their traditional correspondances are -

• Matthew (Man, Water)

• Mark (Lion, Fire)

• Luke (Bull, Earth)

• John (Eagle, Air)

So,

• Parachutes (Luke/Earth - Trouble, “I wanna live in a wooden house”, etc. All very earthy.)
• AROBTTH (Matthew/Water = blood?!)
• X & Y (John/Air - “birds go flying at the speed of light…”)
• SO VIVA LA VIDA must be Lion/Fire - and they did record it in Spain!!!

All will be revealed on June 16th!

April 09 2008 | news | 1 Comment »

Chris loves Beyonce?

DESPITE being a committed vegetarian, CHRIS MARTIN seems to have got himself involved in some serious beef.

While his wife GWYNETH PALTROW was in New York recently, shooting her new movie, rumours circulated concerning their relationship. They had a fight in a trailer. Gwyneth has recently been seen kissing a MYSTERIOUS UNNAMED FAT MAN. “They are fighting for their marriage,” one close friend of the couple claimed.

But that might not be all that Chris Martin has to fight for. Because after getting drunk at JAY-Z and BEYONCÉ’S wedding reception, Chris found himself impressed by more than just the rap star’s bling. To put it bluntly, Chris seems ready to trade in STICK-THIN geeky Gwyneth for an altogether CURVIER model.
And younger.

And richer.

And more talented.
But rapper, former drug-dealer and psychopath JAY-Z is rumoured to be VERY not happy with Martin’s attentions on his fiancée, Beyonce. He has threatened to “pop a cap in his milk-white ass”, and sent him an email which simply contained a link to a YouTube video of “Fix You.”

Coldplay have brought the release of their forthcoming album forward – presumably so that Chris can be on tour as soon as possible. Jay-Z might have quit the music biz, but it sounds like he might have ONE MORE BIG HIT left in him.

April 07 2008 | news | 3 Comments »

Chris Martin changes REM’s “crap title”…

According to NME, Chris Martin has been giving out advice on song titles, whether asked for or not.

REM’s new single ‘Supernatural Superserious’, first off their new album ‘Accelerate’, released today, was announced as ‘Disguised’ at the band’s Dublin’s Olympia Theatre gigs last summer.

According Michael Stipe, the track was renamed after Chris Martin (who Stipe says is “great friends” with the band) heard it during a mixing session, and said ‘It’s a great song, but a crap title. You have to change it’. He offered this title and we went with it.”

Perhaps REM should have considered the title Chris Martin has come up with for the fourthcoming Coldplay album before making such a rash decision.

But more on that later…

March 31 2008 | news | No Comments »