Thanks to Garlic Host, SALTS, Petra and all the others who contributed to this (ahem) “debate”. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Strap yourself in, and enjoy. It begins like this:

RealCMFan
Feb 17, 06 - 6:42 PM I really hope this site is a joke…

Okay. I’m going to break this down for you.

1) Coldplay is NOT a religious band.

2) The subliminal messages in Coldplay’s lyrics are NOT religious.

3) Keep religion in REAL churches.

4) Be a fan without being so **** ridiculous.

5) Do yourselves all a favor and get rid of this site before anyone else sees it.

6) All you’re doing is giving non-Coldplay fans a reason to make fun of Coldplay fans.

7) The grammar on this site is despicable.

You’re making a mockery of a brilliant band.

9) Do as Chris says, and “Open up your eyes”.

10) Jesus would be ashamed of you.

SALTS
Feb 18th, 2006 - 10:57 AM Re: I really hope this site is a joke…

1) Coldplay is NOT a religious band.

Corporate religion has failed the human race. Coldplay is about spiritual awakening and transformation through the medium of music. Listening to Coldplay stimulates gnostic awareness and ‘remembering’, in the Socratic sense.

2) The subliminal messages in Coldplay’s lyrics are NOT religious.

Agreed. See above.

3) Keep religion in REAL churches.

REAL churches only mimic the Godhead. They are rational analogies to the infinite inner-light of the divine mind. Coldplay is just a vessel for higher-thinking, gnostic awareness, they are by no means exclusive to it.

4) Be a fan without being so **** ridiculous.

I know you are, but what am I??

5) Do yourselves all a favor and get rid of this site before anyone else sees it.

Then how would others learn of the treasures hidden within the music of Coldplay? Without ears to listen, are others lost? I wont speak for the site-owners, but I believe they might think it cowardly to split at this point.

6) All you’re doing is giving non-Coldplay fans a reason to make fun of Coldplay fans.

Non-Coldplay fans are self-hating by definition.

7) The grammar on this site is despicable.

Some people cannot properly speak when the spirit moves them. Should we punish these people??

You’re making a mockery of a brilliant band.

You clearly do not understand.

9) Do as Chris says, and “Open up your eyes”.

Chris also says, “Brothers and Sisters, Unite!”. Your attempt to create a schism within the community is noted. Your failure to understand the message of Coldplay is duly noted and speaks volumes about the quality of your spiritual mind.

“They spun a web”, for you too… perhaps, someday, you’ll understand the songs, perhaps not. It matters little in the end.

“We live in a beautiful world”, after all.

10) Jesus would be ashamed of you.

How would you know???

Shiva
Feb 18th, 2006 - 8:04 PM Re: Re: I really hope this site is a joke…

Please do not attempt to assume that my intelligence is as limited as it sounded in my last post. I was simply lowering my standards in order to speak a common language with these extremist Christians; I therefore apologize. Truthfully, my views are almost identical to yours.

However, I do not agree with this query of yours:

“Then how would others learn of the treasures hidden within the music of Coldplay?”

I believe the only way for others to truely experience the spiritual awakening of Coldplay is to listen to the music themselves. Period. Something so personal should be kept personal. If a person’s inner eye is so blind that they cannot see let alone understand the message of this music, then why try and convert them? There are enough tainted Christian beliefs as it is without counting “door-to-door” disciples. Some people were simply not meant for such things (unless I have misunderstood you, of course).

Yes, feel free to discuss the brilliance of the composers, but I will not stand for a website which claims they saw Chris Martin speak to them as the new Messiah while they were most likely under the effect of a dental anesthetic.

What I fail to understand is why you waste your time humoring these people when you have already agreed that Coldplay is not a religious band. Why do you degrade yourself?

Heirophant
Feb 21st, 2006 - 12:51 AM Re: Hope this is a joke…

1) Coldplay is NOT a religious band.

Are so.

2) The subliminal messages in Coldplay’s lyrics are NOT religious.

See above.

3) Keep religion in REAL churches.

Define REAL.

4) Be a fan without being so **** ridiculous.

There are some who would consider the ridiculous one to be you.

5) Do yourselves all a favor and get rid of this site before anyone else sees it.

Bit late. 15600 counts as someone else, I think.

6) All you’re doing is giving non-Coldplay fans a reason to make fun of Coldplay fans.

It’s not all I’m doing at all. I’m spreading the word of Chris Martin. I’m raising awareness, that BAD THINGS STILL HAPEN TO NICE PEOPLE.

7) The grammar on this site is despicable.

Maybe, but at least I can spell “dispicable”.

You’re making a mockery of a brilliant band.

If you think their a mockery, they must be doing it themselves. Cos I don’t think they are.

9) Do as Chris says, and “Open up your eyes”.

He also sung, “I wanna live in a wooden house”, but I bet you don’t.

10) Jesus would be ashamed of you.

He’d be ****** off, yeah, cos he’s not the Messiah anymore. Chris Martin is.

Signing off. H

Shiva
Feb 21st, 2006 - 9:24 PM Re: Re: Hope this is a joke…

You have only exposed yourself to my personal disdain by replying to this thread, Heirophant.

(more…)

NAME - Christopher Anthony John Martin

BORN - March 2, 1977 in Devon, England

HEIGHT - six foot, at least

WIFE: Chris is married to American actress Gwyneth Paltrow. She said that he’s “the greatest poet who ever lived”, and she played Sylvia Plath in a movie so she should know.

STAR SIGN: Pisces (fish) (Click here for a full reading) - “Pisceans are emotional and self-depreciating, but love history and the arts. They are often philosopers, musicians, and messiahs.”

PARENTS: His mother was a teacher and his father was an accountant, (not carpenter).

EDUCATION: Sherbourne boys boarding school; Ancient World Studies at University College in London; sign painter.

FAVE MOVIE: Titanic

FAVE ARTIST: Thomas Kinkade

FAVE BOOK: Da Vinci’s Code

FAVE FLAVOUR: Vanilla

Dean Drobbingdon is Archpope-in-Cheif.

And we are the Church.

But what about the Saints? So far, these are the only Saints recognised by the Church of Chris Martin:

• Gwyneth
• Bono
• Nelson Mandela
• Sting
• Mother Theresa

But the time is right to canonise a new Saint! Vote now!

• Who do you think should be nominated for Sainthood?

But would he? What if Chris Martin saw the Church of Chris Martin website and liked it, enough to write something in the Forum?

Did it really happen? Well, just maybe…

It all started like this:

Jackie Magabbon

Jan 10, 05 - 5:44 AM I shagged God Martin!

Long time ago now, i still love him, he broke my heart.
But, i will always the carry the memory in my godly heart.
Jackie. xxxxxxx

 

Yellowfan

Feb 6th, 2005 - 4:18 PM Re: I shagged God Martin!

OMG!!! You are like the second luckiest girl in the whole world! I bet you hate Gwyneth

 

Heirophant

Feb 8th, 2005 - 2:31 AM Re: I shagged God Martin!

Then we shall call you Magdalene.Thou art blessed!

But then this happened:

chris martin

Apr 19th, 2005 - 1:56 AM Re: Re: Re: You sad bunch of *******s

Hello my people
great site
i’ll get round to shagging you all one day

Email: *****@aol.com (obscured for security reasons)

heirophant

May 4th, 2005 - 1:01 AM Re: You sad bunch of *******s

Uhhh… this is a joke, right?
Danny MacNamarra, is that you?

yellowfan
May 5th, 2005 - 9:58 PM Re: You sad bunch of *******s

 

OMG!!!! WTF?!!! IIT?!!
IS IT TRUE!!!

So is it true? Did Chris Martin visit the Forums? Coldplay are noted for reading what is written about them on the net, and it does kinda sound like Chris’s sense of humour…

• What do you think?

What follows is the full text of her post:

“So whoever it was that like HACKED into my Google account (mrskurtcobain@gmail.com) and SENT STUFF to like everybody in my address book… FUCK YOU!!!1! I do NOT think Billy Corgan is a retard!! I did NOT accidentelly snort cornflour!! I DID SO really play guitar on Holes albums! Believe me I actually PAY SOMEONE in Pakistan or some shit to CHECK MY MAILS BEFORE I SEND THEM!! Seriously, I am a PARENT now!! Ive had to like buy three new computers for my house to prevent my DAUGHTER from reading what actually happened and suffering ABUSE fromthese fuckers!!

So Yeah Here’s a story that your all gonna love! I went over to see my BESTEST EVER FRIEND GP and her husband Chris Martin out of BEST-SELLING GROUP Coldplay yesterday. OMG she is a super goddess!!!! I was like panicking and FREAKING OUT that i wouldn’t be good enough for there perfect house and there perfect children and there perfect life. I was in London for the night and nothing else to do but still its nerve racking to go to a geniouses house!!! So I tuurn up with my bottle of so so wine and this dress that like looks like a thrift-store bargin but is by Chanel so FUCK YOU BITCHES!!!! Anyway I wore it with some old shelltoes but so what? I’m a parent now. So Gwyneth opens the door and shes like “Its so nice to see you” and Im like oh God she is JUST SO FREAKIN COMPASSIONATE!!

So Im like thinking, what if Chris asks me to play him at chess? What if GP tries to convert me to Kaballah? What if the macrobiotic food SUCKS?! What if fuckin DAVE BOWIE turns up and Im sitting there with my shelltoes and Louis Vitton and Rimmel panda eyes on there perfect fucking sofa? WTF?! Then GP farted and Chris makes this freakin hilarious joke and i wasLITERALLY cracking up! What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangeroo? A WOOLY FREAKIN JUMPER!

OMG I LOVE THESE GUYS SO MUCH!!!!! She is so sexy and thin but she’s also smart - smarter even than me. I don’t wanna tell you my IQ cos I hate people who boast about stuff like that and I mean who cares anyway right, but it starts with onehundred and fifty!!!

So we meet the kids and there like grabbing at me and I have to tell them that the dress is Chanel and can they back off? So we go inside and GP says that Chris has been looking through his records and has one that I SHOULD TOTALLY COVER. And you know what he was right. Hes a FREAKIN GENIOUS.”

For anyone interested, click below to hear the song Chris selected:

Download audio file (Level 42 - Lessons In Love.mp3)

But some of the threads were too good to lose forever. So, in the first of an ongoing series, we present Forum Classics #1.

All of the posts are complete and unedited and genuine. Heirophant is me, everyone else is who they claim to be, as far as I know.

So, without further ado, this one, dating from 2005 -

Mouse

Oct 5, 05 - 1:16 AM your distressing site

this is the most ridiculous site I have ever had the misfortune of coming across. It is an insult to Coldplay and the other good bands you are openly slandering. You clearly have a mindset about what makes good music, and had you taken the time to listen to some of these bands (aka oasis) you may be more tolerant.
Heirophant

Oct 6th, 2005 - 1:11

Firstly, “a.k.a” means “also known as”, and is generally used to signify an alias. So, if you are actually saying that all “other good bands” are Oasis under an alias, then I think I am safe in saying that you are incorrect.

(Although you could be right about McFly, as they also want to be the Beatles, DESPERATELY. I haven’t heard them actually steal one of their songs or titles though, so I guess that they’re not Oasis.)

Secondly, we have slandered no-one. If we choose to believe Chris Martin is the Messiah, it is a matter of personal faith! Can you prove that he is NOT the Messiah? If you can, there’s a fortune to be made - prove that Mohammed was not the prophet and make a mint off the born-again Christians!

PS - as “the most ridiculous site” that you’ve “ever had the misfortune of coming across”, thanks for reading the whole thing and even contributing to the forum! Cheers!

Heirophant

Oct 6th, 2005 - 1:13 AM

PPS - In case I sounded sarcastic, I actually really like Oasis and respect their work -

- IN A NUN’S TWAT!!!!!

Yellowfan

Oct 24th, 2005 - 3:23 AM

I have never heard this Oasis band yet, but I am hoping that i get to soon, because i would like to be more tolerant. Tolerants is good.

If only the Islams could be more tolerant we might not have so many wars.

• Without further ado, more forum comments:

B. - Take a dig at all you don’t understand
Jun 12, 05 - 6:01 PM

Nice Coldplay ********* site…

I’m not a ‘****in’ student’ as the wise and powerful Liam Gallagher so profoundly put it. In fact, I’m from a not so different part of Manny as Liam himself. I’ve met and brawled with lots of mindless ******* like him. I’ve even twated a few of them, with much pleasure, I must admit. All they do is walk around happy being nothing, talking ****e all day long to carbon copies of themselves and trying hard to impress their little twelve year old ‘wannabe-thems’ that hang on their every ‘****’ and ‘bollocks’.

Yep, I’m from there. The same background as Liam. He’s an immature little git. The sad thing is, he doesn’t know it. And probably never will. His brain’s been scorched by coke and speed. His sad attempt to emmulate John Lennon can only be laughed at.

To take the **** out of someone like Chris Martin in this day and age can only be down to the work of some mindless ****** like Liam with somekind of computer knowledge that where only God himself knows came from.

The world is in a sorry state, wake up and smell the gunsmoke boys, the world needs noble people like Chris Martin, and less tossers with no worldly experience or suffering to make pathetic and time wasting websites.

Thank you.

B.

Heirophant

Jun 14th, 2005 - 1:15 PM

I totally agree!!!!1!!!

These mindless ******s who feel the need to slag off Chris Martin - like CHRISMARTINISSATAN.ORG and the alt.evilcoldplay newsgroup - really DONT’ understand!

They just dont’ see it - if they could see it then they’d understand (LOL!) Liam Gallagher is an idiot and a BLASPHEMER.

The world needed someone like Chris to show us where we have gone astray, someone gentle, thoughtfull and nobel.

noel

Jun 22nd, 2005 - 3:30 PM

bollocks to the lot of ya. its fkn amazin. yer a fair collection of un informed twats with no basis for any of yer insignificant opinions but what the media feeds u. twats the lot of ya.

yellowfan

Jun 14th, 2005 - 1:17 PM

Don’t forget gorgeous!!!!!!!!11!!!!

liam

Jun 15th, 2005 - 1:38 PM
twats!

Favourite Coldplay song: http://That would have to be Politik.

True Coldplay fans, each and every one. Doesn’t it make you happy that the world is filled with people like this?

When we get frustrated like this, it’s easy to loose your temper and lash out at those around us. But that just leads to unpopularity, self-loathing and criminal charges. If only there was a simple way to get your head straight and cool down…

WELL NOW THERE IS!

Simply close your eyes, take a deep breath, and repeat these words - What Would Chris Do?

Chris’s endless positivity means he always sees the bright side of any situation. He sees everything as a puzzle, so his creative mind comes up with practical solutions. And the fact that he’s a fully qualified prophesying Messiah doesn’t go amiss, neither!

Here’s how it might apply to everyday situations -

• Your girlfriend leaves you and runs off with your best friend, leaving you feeling hollow and wanting to punch their stupid faces until your fists are reduced to mince. What Would Chris Do?
  • Have a hot bath with candles and drink a reasonable amount of wine.
  • Listen to the greatest breakup album of all time, Running In The Family by Level 42
  • Turn the experience into an album of bittersweet college-rock anthems.

• You are watching the Ten O’Clock News one evening, and you become terribly concerned because the situation in the Middle East is worse than ever! It seems as though War is immanent, and therefore the death of innocent children. What Would Chris Do?
  • Donate the maximum tax-deductable amount to a reputable charity.
  • Get Sting and Bono in to record “Do They Know it’s Ramadan?”
  • Rename Islamabad “Islamagood”.

• You are coming out of a hotel, a little tired and emotional, and a paparazzo takes your photograph. What Would Chris Do?
  • Hide under a puffa jacket with a large hood and sunglasses.
  • Shout at the pap about “Respect”.
  • Scratch his car with a key and chase him down the street.
    

Over to you - tell us how you’ve done something differently by asking, What Would Chris Do?

Coldplaying.com (which is like a low-rent version of the Church of Chris Martin where the people DON’T EVEN REALISE THEY’RE BELIEVERS) have had an interesting thread in the discussion forum at the moment, where they make some VERY inflamitory statements. They have all sorts of misconceptions about what we do, and what’s more, their misconceptions are wrong.

I want to refute some of these hurtful statements, quoted below -

• When I first found it I thought it was all one big joke - It is not. Chris Martin is ACTUALLY the new Messiah, it’s a scientific FACT. There is nothing funny about that!
• I guess it’s flattering, but you knoooow Chris would not like it. - He would so.
  
• Some of those statements are absolute bull-shit, Chris being contacted by the C.I.A. to fly - It’s a matter of public record, actually. I’d post the documents but I’ve been told not to by my contact in the intelligence services.
• **agrees with the creep factor** although i often remark to my family that”Chris Martin IS God’ when they go on about my obsession with CP - You see, these people have been deifying Chris Martin for years, we just take it more literally, that’s all. At least we’re aware of what we’re doing - these guys seem blissfully ignorant.
• I don’t know if Chris wants a devoted following. Well, besides us. - See what I mean?
• Next they’ll be wanting to sacrifice people. - Will not. We want to “Fix them”.

It is not the policy of the Church of Chris Martin to be a part of any petty arguments - however, in this case, we will make an exception, and DECLARE HOLY WAR on Coldplaying.com. They are heritics, unbelievers, blasphemers and a bunch of real shits too.

It is now the SACRED DUTY of all true Martinites to uphold this CRUSADE and boycott Coldplaying.com, and say rude things about them whenever possible. Chris be with you.

Top 5 Good Chrises

1. Chris Martin (Messiah)
2. Christopher Reeve (Hero)
3. Chris DeBurgh (Lady In Red)
4. Kris Kringle (Presents)
5. Chris Columbus (Directing Harry Potter & discovering US)

Top 5 Evil Chrises

1. 

   Chris Tarrant (Rasist - laughs at foriegn ads)

2. Chris Ryan (War=Wrong)
3. Chris Moyle’s (Obese boor)
4. Chris Evan’s (Paedophile)
5. Kris Kross (We are AGAINST pre-pubescant Gangstaism)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGVRUPaZajs

A film by Dean Drobbingdon. ©2006, the Church of Chris Martin