The Church of Chris Martin

“Tears stream down your face…” (X&Y 4:22)

Chris Martin has claimed that the fourthcoming Coldplay album, Viva la Vida, includes “the greatest song ever written”. But if the results of Scientific Tests are to believed, you might still end up in tears. For the song, Death and All His Friends, instantly causes uncontrollable sobbing in anyone who hears it.

“We have tested it in every possible circumstance, and so far no-one has been able to make it past the second verse without blubbering,” a top expert said. “We’ve played it to everything from monkeys to shrews - if it has a tear duct, it’ll wail. In fact, we didn’t even know that fruit-flies could cry, and they seem to be secreting a greyish liquid through their carapaces in a grotesque pastiche of their emotional human masters.”

“We even played it to a Nazi. He broke at the end of the chorus, whimpering like a prick. Only one other person that we tested managed to suppress their lamentations any further into the song - the “popular” “singer” and world-renouned rhyming slang, James Blunt.”

Archpope-in-Cheif Dean Drobbingdon is declaring it a miracle. “There is simply no way that a piece of music can have an affect that is so profound. There are stories of ancient temples and cathedrals that had such perfect form that they could produce tears, but nothing on this scale. The important thing is its testability. This is a piece of art that can produce an inexplicable effect, repeatedly and on demand. What we are looking at here is scientific evidence of the existence of God.”

But even its being an officially-sanctioned supernatural religious phenomenon hasn’t stopped some people thinking of ways that it could be put to more practical use. Expect Coldplay to allow the track to be used in anger management sessions (allowing the release of pent-up emotions), rape alarms (not only immobilising the attacker with bitter sobs, but probably ruining his erection too), and for teachers, the song having been proven to take a class of 30 working-class children from an intense hysteria to a pathetic anguished whimpering in just under 42 seconds.

They won’t be allowing everyone to use it, however. It’s no surprise that the military has made enquiries, but not just any military. We’re talking about the Chinese military.

Beijing are hoping to use it against Olympics protesters, who have found considerable support in the West. “It is a perfect weapon,” a person said, “It will look to the world’s media that they have simply been overtaken by the emotion of seeing this flame, and all that it represents.”

Ironically, the Viva la Vida track entitled Chinese Sleep Chant does not have any known side effects. Any sedative effect experienced will be the standard amount found in all of Coldplay’s recordings.

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Did you know!? and news

Then, the USA went to war, and so did The Cold Mountain Singers. They returned to performing upon their return, but they were different men, older and wiser, with a new found urgency to spread their message. Their repertoire had changed too, to incorporate original compositions.

Jim Gilhooley said about the inspiration for Fix Y’all: “Darned if ah don’t know where it came from. I was huddlin in some darn trench with my brother, German shells a-flying over our heads. Then all of a sudden, there comes this strange silence, an all the guns quit shellin, and the sunshine began to break through the clouds and smoke. The tune, the words, everything, began to play in ma head, and I had to rush to git everything writ down in time. It was like it was being channelled through me, comin down from the Most High. I looked up to the sun, and instead ah saw a bright glowing face, with short and curly mousey hair and big blue eyes. He had no beard, and when he spoke it sounded a darn site more english an middle-class than ah reckoned for. He said that it would all make sense one day. Before he disappeared he said “Make Trade Fair.” Ah guess ah didn’t know what to make of that.”

This track was recorded live in Nashville in 1954 during a successful month-long residency. Their star was still in its ascendancy, but a darkness had entered their act. It was only a matter of time before they were to be torn apart.

1 Comment » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History and Did you know!?

Tom and Jim Gilhooley (AKA The Cold Mountain Singers) were born on Cold Mountain Farm, Hatchenchubbee, Arkansas, in 1916, the twin sons of an itinerant Polish railroad labourer and an alchoholic seamstress of Scottish extraction. They were raised by both parents on their run-down farmstead until the depression began to bite, and their father left in 1931, never again seeing his boys.

Their mother struggled through, scraping a meagre existance from the dusty soil, supplimented by occasional sewing jobs. Tom and Jim learned to amuse themselves with bible reading and by singing traditional songs, accompanying themselves on guitar and banjo. They were soon a popular turn at the Waverley Saloon, and began to attract attention from the city.

By 1938, the boys were a successful act, playing to audiences throughout Arkansas, and begining to make a name for themselves. This track is believed to have been recorded in 1939, and is one of a mere handful of tracks that are known to have survived.

{The distinct similarity of some of these songs and the work of the contemporary group Coldplay is currently the subject of a major legal proceeding, and I am unable to comment further at this time.}

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History and Did you know!?

According to these guys, the first single off Viva la Vida will be Violet Hill, and will be released on May 6th.

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / news

It looks like the Church of Chris Martin’s daring critique of the state has finally come to the attention of “the Powers that Be”.

New York magazine have published what can only been seen as a vicious attack on the Church of Chris Martin. This week’s Vulture column features a blatant pastiche of the Church’s Viva la Vida post.

First, the piece “borrows” the track-by-track breakdown format. Next, they mock our assertion that “Lost” was inspired by the hit TV show, claiming that it contains ridiculous “lyrics” about “Kate, Locke and Sayid”.

But the biggest affront comes in their description of 42: “Some have speculated that the title of this upbeat track is an allusion to Douglas Adams’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy as Martin is an admitted fan of the book.” For “some”, read “The Church of CM”, AKA “me”.

“Actually,” the piece continues, “It’s a tribute to the 42 people who currently hold the Guinness World Record for the largest number of persons to fit in a car at once (the Moss Bay Majorettes from Jacksonville, Florida, who crammed into a Jaguar XJ6 in August of 1984).” New York magazine seems to have forgotton that Chris Martin is English, and unlikely to be concerned with small towns in Florida, Louisiana or even Wisconsin, as the “article” claims.

So what can we make of this? Is New York magazine so chronically short of ideas that it needs to mock an honest religion? And if you want a religion to ridicule, what’s wrong with Scientology?

Or is what the Church is saying SO DANGEROUS that the New York intelligentsia need to SILENCE us? Do they need to crucify someone, just because we have found the new Messiah, JUST LIKE THE LAST TIME? It’s not like we denied the Holocaust or anything!

{The Church of Chris Martin will return with “What Holocaust?” - stay tuned!}

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / news and site news

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn’t change

The lines which he could not change are the lines of prophecy in some of the books in the Old Testament. These appear to predict a coming saviour, or messiah. While Christians believe that Jesus was this Messiah, Jews are still waiting.

I was lost, oh yeah
I was lost, I was lost

Amazing Grace, a traditional hymn - “I was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.” Interestingly, it was the sweet sound of Coldplay that saved this wretch, too!

Crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed

The Cross - need I say more? (Also remincent of Ghostbusters.)

I was lost, oh yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Not long. Chris, the Messiah, is with us TODAY. (The Jews are wrong.)

Yeah, how long must you pay for it?

Probably a reference to Christ throwing the money-changers from the Temple. However, some commentators have interprited this as a reference to the increasing popularity of peer-to-peer filesharing programs such as Napster & Kazaa.

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Depends on your internet connection, really.

Oh for it
I was scared, I was scared

To me, it sometimes seems that we all bear the scars of modern life. On a deeper level, Chris has been scared by the jags on the crown of thorns and the nails through His hands.

Tired and under prepared
But I wait for it
If you go, if you go
Leave me down here on my own

“Down here” is, of course, to Chris, the Earth. He is looking up to his heavenly home and pleading with God, his Father, to give Him a chance to SAVE UOR SOULS. Consider Christ’s words upon the cross - “My Father, why hast thou forsaken me?”

Then I’ll wait for you (yeah)

Sing it
Please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me, me
Come on and sing it out, now, now
Come on and sing it out, to me, me
Come back and sing it

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn’t change
And I was lost, oh yeah,

And here we come to the true meaning of ALL of Coldplay’s songs - OH YEAH. Because while the government, our parents and schoolteachers all say NO to us, Chris affirms and says YEAH. We DO live in a beautiful world.

1 Comment » Posted by drobbingdon / interpretation

EXCLUSIVE: until September this year, Mandy Lyon was just an ordinary person. She went to work, drove her car, watched TV and hung around school playgrounds, just like you or me. But that was before Chris Martin walked into her life. Now, Mandy is just one of the growing number of people who are reporting miracles while in the presence of the one they are calling “the College-Rock Messiah”.

IDLE

Mandy was working as usual, waiting table’s in Turin’s Veronica Cafe, and looking forward to finishing her shift. Her favourite band, Coldplay, were playing a show that night, and she had tickets. She’d waited month for the concert, but it seemed as though these last few hours would last forever.

But when she woke from her daydreaming and looked at the customers on her last table, she almost died of fright. She immediately recognized them as Coldplay - and closest to her, her idol, Chris Martin.

GUACAMOLE

She brought their organic and largely salad-based lunch to them. “Chris was having the nachos,” she later noted with a smile, “He would, he’s edgy.” After a while, she returned to offer them Fair-Trade coffee. They chatted and joked with her, as if she was one of the crew or something. She really felt like she was helping them have a good time.

But when they stood to leave, Mandy noticed with alarm that Chris had some quacamole on his chin. “I don’t know what happened… I didn’t know what to say, so I just reached up and wiped it off his face, with a paper napkin.” She described the ‘beatific’ look he gave her - “His eyes seemed to burn through me, but in a nice way. They seemed to go on forever.”

IMPRINT

Mandy stood rooted to the floor as they left. After a moment, she realised that she was still clutching the napkin with which she had wiped Chris Martin’s face. And she opened it, to see that a miracle had occurred. On the napkin was the EXACT IMAGE of his face, TRANSFERRED like a PHOTOGRAPH upon the paper. So PERFECT was the image that NO-ONE could EVER POSSIBLY consider that it was not a miracle.

Let’s leave the last word to Mandy - “It was a sign that Chris had seen me - the real me - and that he could see through me. He saw my soul. He can see through our petty human lives, straight through to the humanity within.”

“Plus, I guess it made it okay that they didn’t leave a tip.”

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE NAPKIN

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / news

Dean Drobbingdon was born in 1972, in a humble council house in a small town in Scotland, England. He was precoscious from an early age, walking by eight months, talking by fourteen, and fluent in four languages by three years.

His school career, however, was marred by the systemic abuse and bullying he experienced. Marked forever as an “outsider”, this was to have a lasting impact on the young man’s psyche. Unsurprisingly, robbed of any opportunity for stimulation or self-expression, he did not excel; but he did become the man who would go on to found The Church of Chris Martin.

It was only a matter of time before he started to think about putting his own spiritual ideas into some kind of order…

But it took a fateful trip to the dentist’s surgery to fix an abcess that was to lead to the founding of The Church. AROBTTH had come out only a week before. While under the effects of the gas, Dean had a vision. The Spirit of Chris Martin visited him, and filled him with light. Chris Martin said unto him, “Burn them all!”

The founder was shocked; but Chris was not finished. “Each one is a prayer for a starving AIDs child. Burn them all.” The background faded from the image of a drab dentist’s surgery, to a cathederal, filled with candles.

For a while, the Founder thought that Chris was also telling him to “Spit!”, but it turned out that it was just the nurse and he was still fucked off the gas.

From this miraculous beginning, the Church of Chris Martin established itself, going online in 2001. Today, it is the fastest-growing indie-rock-based religion in the world. Can you afford NOT to join?

2 Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Church History

Come up to meet you
Tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you…
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let’s go back to the start…
Running in circles; coming in tails
Heads on a silence apart

What most people don’t realise is that the song The Scientist is actually about Chris Martin’s younger brother Paul. While Chris was making his name as a GORGEOUS INTERNATIONAL POET AND VISIONARY, Paul was sitting an HND in electrical engineering at Hull University. He had always been interested in “questions of science; science and progress.” Chris obviously felt it was “such a shame for” them “to part“, and wrote this song.

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

However, “nobody said it would be easy,” and Paul’s poor marks for second year (probably because of his insistance on “just guessing at numbers and figures“) meant that he had to “go back to the start” of the year and resit the exams. He passed second time around, and is now a fully qualified “scientist“.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science; science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

“Running in circles, chasing our tails” is probably a reference to Mitzi, a cheeky King Charles spaniel that the brothers shared as children.

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

No Comments » Posted by drobbingdon / Doctrine and interpretation

The fourthcoming fourth gospel AKA “album” from Coldplay is coming and I cant wait!! £¬}

What we know so far -

1. Brian Eno and Timbaland producing

(Brian Eno = good choice, he did the Joshua Tree after all. Plus Bowie. Timbaland = bad choice. Are they crazy?! Chris isnt Madonna or Kelly Furtado, or some pop act and I dont’ want him to be!)

2. Spanish influence (!)

3. Best song ever

The possible tracklisting is as follows -

1. “Poppy Fields” - War is wrong
2. “Lost“ - about Chris’s fave TV show
3. ‘42‘ - This is “The Meaning of Life” in Douglas Adams “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”, which Chris already named “Don’t Panic” after. But it’s also one of the numbers from “Lost”!
4. ‘Yes‘ - Chris’s positive message again. “We all live in a beautiful world”, In My Place, etc.
5. ‘Death And All His Friends‘ - a tribute to CM’s fave writer, Terry Pratchett, who tragically has been diagnosed with Spina Bifida
6. ‘Cemeteries Of London‘ - The Blitz (eg War is Wrong)
7. ‘Chinese Sleep Chant‘ - Communism is wrong
8. “Leftrightleftrightleft” - War is wrong
9. ‘Rainy Day‘ - Just classic Coldplay stuff.

The claim is that this album will be very different. In the Bible, John, the fourth Gospel, is very different, both in style and content, from the synoptics that preceed it (Mathhew, Mark and Luke). Is this Coldplays Gospel of John, the “Gnostic Gospel”?

Or do the four albums correspond to the elements - earth, air, fire and water?The four evangelists and their traditional correspondances are -

• Matthew (Man, Water)

• Mark (Lion, Fire)

• Luke (Bull, Earth)

• John (Eagle, Air)

So,

• Parachutes (Luke/Earth - Trouble, “I wanna live in a wooden house”, etc. All very earthy.)
• AROBTTH (Matthew/Water = blood?!)
• X & Y (John/Air - “birds go flying at the speed of light…”)
• SO VIVA LA VIDA must be Lion/Fire - and they did record it in Spain!!!

All will be revealed on June 16th!

1 Comment » Posted by drobbingdon / news