Who knew Chris Martin was a BIG Bruce Springsteen fan? I didn’t-until the other evening! That was when I glanced over to my right and beheld the most beautiful sight under the evening sky - CHRIS MARTIN - in the flesh! And right next to me too!
Springsteen and the E Street Band are charging through the final dates of their U.S. spring tour in support of their latest CD, and I was there at Giant’s Stadium in New Jersey to see it! Where Jimmy Hoffa is supposedly buried in the concrete! Right next to his yoga buddy Ed Burns, the actor and director. But the lure of Bruce melted away when I realized just who I was bumping up against to in the “pit”!
Thank Saint Bono that Holy Chris left GOOP Gwyneth behind with the kids. Seems like Chris wasn’t paying much attention to anything else other than Springsteen’s band, so I had to try and break the ice and lure him into a innocuous conversation. But Chris wasn’t having any of it - he was just into the music, singing along, dancing, and basically acting like any other fan! Here was one of the biggest rock stars in the world, responsible for his own immensely profitable world tour and top-selling “Viva La Vida”, acting like any other Bruce-loving yokel!
Then it dawned on me! This is why Chris Martin is SO GREAT & BELOVED! He is “Everyman”; no better or different than anyone else around him. Yes, he is married to that frosty blonde Gwyneth, but even He makes her seems less icy and inapproachable! Everything he touches is blessed and made more holy, yet he remains humble and meek, able to turn the other check when verbally abused by Oasis’s evil brothers’ foul mouths! Able to take the brutal jealous battering from Saint Bono (before U2 lent Coldplay the 360 tour jet). Chris simply chalks it up to Bono having a “bad day.”
Is there nothing that is not to like about this great man? Does he have any faults or failings that can be brought to the light? I think not! I went bumping against Him in the “pit”, thinking I might stir up a little hotness between us, but he just smiled and kept dancing. I offered to buy him a beer but he said he only drank water. I half expected a halo to come up over his head, he was such a gentleman! Not one skanky girl was able to catch his eye, but he was friendly to one and all!
Now I can see why The Church of Chris Martin is NOT a false Church and NOT a worshipper of a “false prophet.” This man is the Real Deal, and it took my closeness to him in the “pit” to realize that great truth. The evening seemed to whiz by in a glow of marvelous closeness to the Master, and when it was over, and I had succeeded in bumping into him repeatedly, I found the courage to ask for one last word of enlightenment from Him!
Chris Martin uttered the most mind-blowing and heavy words of wisdom that proved he cared beyond that which is normal and worldly - he said: “Watch that vomit!” Yes - some over-imbider had left a souvenir for the fans to step over and Chris Martin knew it! He Blessed us to know that if we weren’t careful exiting the concert venue, we too might fall prey to that desecration of the ground He walked on!
Church - KNOW THE TRUTH: This Man that can blend in so well with mortal men and women at a Bruce concert and appear just like the boy next door is GREAT and GLORIOUS! I have been converted to a believer by my “PIT” with Chris Martin!
October 16 2009 | news | 9 Comments »
THE RESULTS ARE IN!
THE MARTINITES HAVE VOTED WITH THEIR FINGERS!
Overwhelming support for the canonisation of Kurt Cobain, but a narrow victory against his harradan wife Courtney Love!
And, inevitably, a new poll: IS IT TIME THAT CHRIS MARTIN DROPS THOSE OTHER LOSERS AND GOES SOLO? Gwyneth thinks so!
October 12 2009 | miracles and news and reviews | 1 Comment »
A confidential report by Head Psychiatric Doctor on Duty. Put together at the request of Father Drobbingdon, who specifically asks for details of the goings-on at the Mental Health “Talk Down” tent at Wembley Stadium during and following the 2 Great Coldplay shows that recently took place.
Head Nut Job Doc: “It is with a firm foundation in Church lore that I am happy to report the recovery efforts of former Church members who had gone over to “the dark side”, i.e. coldplaying.com. They have since been re-indoctrinated into the Church mantle & have pleaded for reinstatement with good standing. I will leave this final judgment up to Father’s discretion. A few of the females seem like potential C:O:C: girl material (Large Busts/Small Brains), and one effeminine male may possibly find a home with the M:O:R C:O:C: men’s group.
Still there exists a rebellious lot that, despite ingesting much Holy Chris wine and being exposed to Blessed Church doctrine, refused to throw down with our group. I was prepared to begin electro-shock experiments on this saucy bunch, but instead just laser-zapped their brains until they said “YES”, much like the Coldplay song. All together, I turned over to the Church as ‘NEW RECRUITS” a total of 12 former coldplaying.com contagions into Chris-tians!”
NURSE RATCHETT - “Talk Down Tent” medical notes: I specialize in treating patients with high-risk pregnancies, and we did find two such knocked-up ladies picnic-ing in the Empire Way park. I invited them into the Yellow Tent, telling them I had free baby gift bags to offer them. Little did they realize, once I had them behind the yellow curtain, I would show them proof that coldplaying.com was home to any number of child abusers, pedophiles, and assorted criminals. I got one lady who was bursting at the seams to break her water and she promised that, as proof of her new Church devotion, she would name her new son CHRIS MARTIN, and not COLDPLAYING DOT COM as she had planned!
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October 01 2009 | Church History and news | 2 Comments »
Yes! Although he is a unique individual, his name is common as muck! Here are some of them!
- Chris Martin, pharmacist - district manager for five branches of Lloyd’s, responsible for five branches in Stroud and Nailsworth. Staff took Mr Martin for a special retirement meal on August 15, where he was presented with gifts including a garden rocking chair. The father-of-two plans to spend his retirement travelling, gardening and driving patients to hospital as a volunteer. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 6/10
- Chris Martin, footballist (US: soccerer) - 20-year-old Norwich City striker. Something of a philosopher - “There’s still a long way to go in the competition, but it’s a nice win here and we’re through to the next round”, “It was nice to get a game and I think we came away with a win that we probably deserved.” MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 4/10
- Chris Martin, American footballist (UK: armoured rugbyer) - recently joined Grandview but committed to play at Notre Dame next season. Martin is a 6-foot-4 245-pound defensive end who is reported to run a sub-4.7 40-yard dash, and able to dominate a game on his pure athleticism only. I do not know what any of that means. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 2/10
- Chris Martin, theologian. Has just undertaken a challenge to read the entire Bible in 90 days! Because salvation is better when it’s fast! And it’s worth considering whether this is the real Chris Martin. (Or even TheRealChrisMartin?) MESSIAH QUOTIENT: 6/10
- Chris Martin, graphic designer and marketing guru. According to his blog, “Everyone has a story to tell. From the services you provide, to the way you are impacting your world, now you can tell your story to the world.” Sometimes, he doesn’t even untie his shoes when he takes them off: “It depends on how I am feeling at the moment. Most of the time, I just yank the shoe off my foot and throw it on the floor.” Clearly, he tries WAY too hard. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 0/10
- Chris Martin, singer, songwriter, philosopher, poet and messiah. Sings in Coldplay and tends to save souls. Married to Gwyneth Paltrow. IS THE MESSIAH. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - ?/10.
September 25 2009 | Did you know!? | 6 Comments »
Yes, my days of incarceration are thankfully over, but many happy memories were made and good friends discovered behind those bars of steel!
Lest you think the True Widow yearns for those days in sequestration-think again! I did it for the holiest and mightiest of reasons - to enable the Church of Chris Martin to ascertain without question that there is spiritual ennobling power when certain words are uttered in a righteous manner. There is now no doubt in my mind that Father Drobbingdon - despite his voluntary deportation to the rat-infested bunker - knew from what he speaks.
When confronted with danger, despair, the threat of a knife or gun in your backside or at your most valuable possession - your DD Breast Implants - remember this Blessed Technique: in your most confident voice, proclaim the Power of Chris (POC) and demand that for the grace of Coldplay and the COC girls: STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY!
It worked like a charm in prison and I can’t begin to tell you how many Lesbos and gang-banging chicks I was able to dissuade from impaling me with a shank or a big DILDO!
Thankfully, I had gotten my fill of large male organs at the MOR COC finalists contest whereby I had to gaze steadily and analyze a steady stream of penises, so I was expressly eager to avoid what a lot of the gay prison gals carry around to make friends with! The True Widow has also found her new true love and wishes to remain pure in thought and chaste in deed until they can resume their great and glorious love affair of the ages!
However, with that thought in mind, I can say for sure that many locked-up ladies do exhibit the potential character traits and bodily assets that Father Drobbingdon has insisted is necessary for a true C:O:C: candidate to exhibit: that is the standardized ratio of IQ to be no more than doubled the true breast size! It could be stated that the lower IQ is what got a lot of the jail-birds in the prison nest in the first place, but whatever the reason, they are able to surmount their surroundings and with true Church Love & inspiration: DANCE & DECIPHER the puzzles, codes, mysteries, and inscrutableness of Chris Martin lyrics and songs.
I shall bid farewell to my many friends, foremost of which is Prison Matron Mabel who so graciously allowed my usage of the jailhouse computer to stay in touch with the world-at-large and also continue my quest to have the prison inmates vote for Holy Cobain sainthood. There are the girlfriends: Butch Betsy and Lucy Lou, who now are more sexually confused than ever after having glimpsed my collection of flattering Chris Martin photos. These 2 gals now THINK they just might be BI-SEXUAL after falling in love with Chris on my wall! To think of the SOUL POWER of Chris Martin - able to turn two Dashing Dykes into penis territory - powerful stuff!
The prison crew I threw down with also included Barb Wired, who just received her parole and hit the road yesterday. She seemed a little high-strung, but once you got to know her she was a very nice person. We shared many a cup of kool-aid in the prison cafeteria and she promised me that she would send a message to the world for me once out of her jailhouse attire and ankle restraints. There was a male warden named Nigel - who I came to a sort of understanding with - in regard to the COC girls practicing their dance moves and singing skills. At first this powerful fellow refused to accede to my requests of time allowed to get the girls together and organized so that they would be ready for Father Drobbingdon’s visit of appraisal. An agreement was eventually hammered together that said that all the guards and wardens would get a special private COC prison girl performance in exchange for more movies and shower time for the girls.
Never let it be said that all guards, wardens, and prison power-mongers are mad, lascivious characters - only a few of them are. It has been my experience that the prison experience is an eye-opening experience that all of us should someday experience.That being said, I bid adieu to all my new friends and acquaintances made at the Dept. of Corrections. I promised the girls I would be back for a visit and to pass out gifts and candy at the Holidays. God Bless these wonderful women, whose only desire - as is ours also - is to worship and proclaim the Goodness and Talent of the Great One: Chris Martin.
Hallelujah. Amen!
September 14 2009 | news | 3 Comments »
My brethren - momentous news! But first, a few pieces of miscellany -
Now, to business. Brethren, Sistren, I am leaving the bunker. The time has come for me to return to the world, and to the mission of the Church of Chris Martin. While the True Widow’s protestations have not been ignored, the decisive factor arrived this morning, when I received the following letter -
Whilst I feel glad that the world has not ended, I do feel disappointed to be proven wrong. I had hoped that I would become the only broadcaster left on earth, firing polemical broadsides from my bunker laptop. Instead, I was a fat man in a cellar for a month with brick dust in my hair. Not only that, but the housing market seems to be on the way back up.
So what have I learned? I learned that rats may seem pleasant when you’re awake, but they’ll try to eat your eyes as soon as you fall asleep. I learned that internet pornography is the surest way of catching a computer virus. And I learned that man can survive on beans alone, but he better have a well-ventilated house.
Above all, I learned that hope is the greatest gift we have. Except language. And maybe music.
September 07 2009 | news and site news | 6 Comments »
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