With a resolute hold on power among the faithful of The Church of Chris Martin,Father Drobbingdon is one fascinating but elusive enigma! In an effort to counter an aloof, ivory-tower image, the Great Father Drobbingdon agreed to sit down with the True Widow for a little get-to-know-you interview recently. We now present an intellectual exercise in opening up a crevice into the mind of a spiritual powerhouse…
True Widow - Good Evening Father Drobbingdon. Congratulations on yet ANOTHER grab of the Father Drobbingdon Award. Was there ever a doubt you would NOT win this highly-sought after trophy?
Drobbingdon - It is difficult to remain modest and humble, especially when you’re as rich and handsome as I. Yet I know in my heart that I deserve it, and in all humbleness, accept it. It is an honour that truly belongs to me and me alone.
TW - Let’s review the year just past. What is the highlight of 2009 in regard to the Church of Chris Martin?
D - Most likely, my divorce. If I can manage to continue to hide my assets from my soon-to-be-ex, and also stall the judge on alimony payments, I may hold onto my millions. This is vital to the Church, as that shrew-my ex-wife has threatened to take title to this website, if I don’t pay her off. No doubt the harpie is in cahoots with coldplaying.com! [Please readers: send your tithes to Father and they will be used to rid the Church of that shrew - Ed.]
TW - Speaking of coldplaying.com, what is the current status of the peace negotiations on-going with them? Might that accursed group show up at the Glastonbury Pilgrims Invocation and demand to be seated on stage with Saint Bono?
D - BrotheRob attempted to intercede with coldplaying.com, since he was once one of their debased threaders, but they shooed him away. Next, chicks.dig.coldplay issued a Writ of Co-Joinder Status and attempted to have Jen-Jen of coldplaying.com sign it, but the Exeter concert event intervened and the entreaty came to naught. Now it is up to I, the Holy Arch Pope. I am proposing a Glastonbury 2010 truce, so that we may have a Yellow Tent Event free of shenanigans.
TW - What special treats await Saint Bono if he should grace our Yellow Tents and Pilgrim Party with his presence?
D - Firstly, I regularly party with Saint Bono at his house on the French Riveria, so I know that he is partial to fine French wines, Cuban cigars, Italian cuisine, and young ladies with pert bosoms. All shall be offered the Great One of Ireland, along with the choicest seat on the Pilgrims dais. An ode to Bono will be read, accompanied by a C:O:C: interpretative dance. I’m sure our Saint will be pleased.
TW - Since your self-imposed exile in your cellar, and subsequent resurrection, what lessons have you learned?
D - I learned that as the spiritual and ecumenical leader of this Church of Chris Martin, I have an undeniable greatness of leadership, and without that guidance I offer, the Church lurches along shakily and without a mighty helm to right the wheel of magistral majesty. I am indispensable, if I may say so. I learned that acting like a cross between a survivalist hillbilly and Howard Hughes is a sure method of ridding onesself of a troublesome spouse. And I learned that rats may seem friendly, but they are lying.
TW - Father, I must say I am taken aback by your meek appraisal of your many talents! What do you make of the scandalous behavior of Chris Martin in Las Vegas with that Hollywood hooch-Kate Boswell? Why must Chris Martin always go for those skinny, nerdy blonde-types-(this is a question that weighs heavily on the minds (if you would call it that) of many C:O:C: Girls.)
D - Remember, Chris Martin was a virgin well into his twenties, before he got lucky and went to town with the ladies. Perhaps that long, dry spell during the crucial hormonal period of youthful horniness made him yen for women that are non-threatening - like all these anorexic, flat-chested blondes. I don’t believe he would find a healthy, curvy, buxom C:O:C: girl attractive - he would be terrified! And as for the rumours that he once had a thing for Beyonce - that sista would crush Chris Martin to death with one thigh!
TW - Father Drobbingdon, it has been a pleasure to have this conversation with you today. May I say you exude a very charming demeanor and masculine confidence? Despite the religious vows you have taken, I find that the rumored “way with women” you are said to possess is alive and well. Is there a favorite C:O:C: girl that just might become the next Mother Drobbingdon?
D - Thank you, True Widow, for those kind words. I look in the mirror everyday and wonder how the many women in the Church can possibly NOT be overtaken by my charms? As such, there are certain C:O:C: women that I have “studied Coldplay lyrics” with, but at the advice of my divorce attorney I must refrain from discussing your question at this moment in time. However, Ms. Pamela DD has been a particular pleasure to be around. We have spent many an evening-late into the night, “discussing Coldplay metaphors” and I do believe I feel a “musical kinship” with this fine “C:O:C: artiste” developing.
TW - Father, thanks be to you again for your time here. I hope that the Church of Chris Martin appreciates and values you, as I do, and I wish you a bountiful Holiday and Happiest New Year.
D - Thank you, True Widow. May the Chris Be With You. Viva.
January 08 2010 | Church History and site news | 2 Comments »
Think those knob heads at coldplaying.com are the only ones who can hand out Chris Martin awards for 2009? THINK AGAIN!
The Church of Chris Martin has seen a tremendous 2009-as we crown our 3rd Holy Saint; as our list of drooling ROCK STAR FRIENDS grow exponentially; we gasp in awe as the C:O:C: Girls Bust sizes expand almost as fast as the amount of antibiotics they must consume to stay afield of “viruses.” Father Drobbingdon climbed out of the closet… um… I mean cellar, and Mother Drobbingdon made him pay for that bunker time by turning into a first class SHREW! Divorce attorneys are salivating in anticipation of one messy divorce! Yes, Holy Church brethren & sistren, there is much to celebrate! Let Us Begin:
BEST SMILEY FACE: various basement-wankers from coldplaying.com — who give their imbecile-selves away with those dreadful yellow smiley faces on their inane posts & comments.
SEXIEST USER: That would have to automatically be the C:O:C: Girls — who have single-handedly revitalized this Great Sanctuary with their X-rated antics, stopped many a tour bus full of horny rock stars, & made Father Drobbingdon realize that Viagra is nothing to be ashamed of!
MOST IMPROVED: without a doubt, SAINT BONO! — Seething with jealousy earlier this year when Coldplay hauled all the good awards home - he even attempted to steal the Coldplay thunder at February’s Grammy Awards! But he must have had a revelation, since Saint Bono has purged his mouth of insults, and even lent the 360 Tour Jet to the boys when their tour plane conked out in Scandanavia. Now fully taken back back into the Church fold, we look forward to his attendance at Glastonbury Pilgrim’s invocation at Glastonbury 2010.
Faithful Award: BrotheRob — once another coldplaying freak but deemed too “weird” for even that defiled website, so of course he was welcomed here at the Church of Chris Martin. Count on this Brother to contribute a weekly or bi-weekly ode to nothing really and very obtuse and incomprehensible at that! Father Drobbingdon consider him to be like a son!
MOST PROLIFIC: chicks.dig.coldplay — lovely lady who worships the ground Chris Martin walks on. Always pining for the day that Chris leaves Gwyneth and makes an honest woman out of her. The Church hopes that “Chicks” is patient!
BEST CHURCH EVENT: Yellow Tent Event, Glastonbury 2009 — Muddy, Rainy, depraved, & Loads of Fun! Even the Vice cops admitted they enjoyed their “freebies”! Without a doubt, the cause of the largest increase in the sale of antibiotics and pregnancy tests in Britain for many a year!
Father Drobbingdon Award: again goes to FATHER DROBBINGDON! — The Face, the Heart, the Soul of this Sanctuary of Coldplay Love. A spiritual crisis of faith sent him into the bunker but he arose - resurrected - a new man. He wins the award in his name yet again & gives all of us hope that someday us simple Church devotees might aspire to be the Saint and Soul of Goodness (and Humbleness) that the Father embodies.
VIVA CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! Go in Peace & Humility! Praise All that is Coldplay and Glorify the HOLY ONE: Chris Martin for his is the Music of the Ages and forever more. Greet one another with a kiss (french) and know that the Prophet Martin will never be “Lost” and his “Strawberry Swing” never “Yellow” when “Clocks” strikes the hour of remittance. Viva!
December 20 2009 | Church History and news | 3 Comments »
The C:O:C: Girls are in a Festive Mood! Not just because Chris Martin might be cheating on Gwyneth and there might be a chance for some of the girls to attain “spiritual fulfillment” with our Soul Master! Not because Saint Bono is coming to Glastonbury 2010 and perhaps will be available for some “Irish Cream” behind the Yellow Tents! And not because Father Drobbingdon has served the divorce papers on that shrew of a wife and will soon be free to “study Coldplay lyrics” with some of the younger, more curvaceous disciples! Rather, the C:O:C: girls have balls on their minds!
Though the Yellow Tent has been put away until Glastonbury 2010, that doesn’t mean all the behind-the-scene’s “shenanigans” have put to bed. Quite the contrary-despite the accusations of vice cops and public health workers–the C:O:C: “artistes” remain (somewhat) ambulatory & ready to celebrate the “joys” of the season! As a token of their love and appreciation for all the blessings bestowed on them this year, the lovely ladies will be doing a Holiday C:O:C: Ball Hanging and Dance-a-thon. This C:O:C: tree-decorating will be the social highlight of the Holiday party season and any drooling Rock Star worth his weight in groupies will want his own personal balls hung by a C:O:C:!
I can see it now: balls festooned with the names of Saint Bono, Bishop-Elect McCartney (a C:O:C: tour bus favorite) Saint Mark King, newly-minted Saint Cobain, Pope Elvis Presley, token black potential Saint Michael Jackson, and others too numerous to mention. Beautiful multi-colored lights will gently drape the tree and mistletoe will hang. The topper will be a paper mache sculpture of our Church object of desire: Chris Martin! He will reign over all the lesser subject balls that dot the C:O:C: tree. The C:O:C: girls have choreographed a special “artiste” dance that creatively captures the overwhelming desire of love and admiration the girls have towards the Coldplay frontman. It will, of course, as the spirit of sublime spiritual love overwhelms the girls, degenerate into a naked expression of emotion, until they begin to disappear into the bushes with the special guests.
To honor Father Drobingdon, all the girls got together - au naturale - for a photo-shoot! Yes, so much fun and frivolity was had on the side of the road this summer with our Arch Pope, that a momento was called for. (It is important that this photo SHALL NOT fall into the hands of Mother Drobbingdon, as she may deign to use it in the divorce proceedings!) Father Drobbingdon has shown so much “paternal devotion” and “chaste concern” to certain C:O:C: ladies that they all wished to show their naked gratitude to this Devoted Over-Seer and Master of Chris Martin’s Church!
The Holidays are a time of remembrance of the past year’s delights and triumphs. We celebrate all the new friends made, in prison, the bushes or Yellow Tents. One is thankful for bail bondsmen, charming barristers and negative health dept. tests. Father Drobbingdon is always grateful for antibiotics and pitbull divorce attorneys.
The True Widow took the most well-behaved bunch of C:O:C:’s to the prison where she was (voluntarily) locked up & passed out Xmas cookies, cosmetic samples and sanitary supplies to the many jailbird friends she made while incarcerated! Christmas carols were sung and the group studied Coldplay lyrics while admiring flattering photos of Chris Martin. This activity was instrumental in turning many of the gay girls hetero - or at least bi - when they beheld the magnificence of our Church Soul Master!
So as we gather among the decorated Magi & scenes of the Virgin and Child in the manger, let us call upon the better angels of our nature and NOT cast aspersions on the “Loose” knit group of Church of Chris women better known as the C:O:C:’s! They may be of a somewhat dubious character & easily-begotten charms, but they all LOVE Chris Martin as we all do. Let us HONOR that this season, as we celebrate all that is Holy, Blessed and Divine among us - namely Prophet of the Female Messiah, Chris Martin! Viva!
December 09 2009 | Church History and news | 2 Comments »
Hey Saint Francis - there’s a new playa in town, and he be down with the animals too! As a matter-of-fact, Chris Martin took a personal vow of poverty - despite being inordinately wealthy - and his gentle spirit is entrusted by animals big and small! He is your spiritual brother in animal husbandry!
Chris reaches out with his music and his heart to the many folks for whom their pet is their only true companion. The bond between a person and a pet is a bond like no other, of two creatures aligned in love. Let us cast a blessing on these devoted followers and their little friends, that goes something like this:
“Blessed are you, Lord God, maker of all living creatures. You called forth fish in the sea, birds to fly at the speed of light through the air and animals on the land. You inspired St. Francis (and Chris Martin) to call all of them his brothers and sisters. We ask you to bless this pet. By the power of your love, enable it to live according to your plan. May we always praise you for all your beauty in creation. We live in a beautiful world! Viva!”
Then the pet is sprinkled with some Holy Water (which is bottled water that has traveled on the Coldplay Tour bus/Lear Tour Jet & been within proximity of Chris Martin for 24 hours or more). A procession of animals is then begun - from the lowliest rat up to the biggest horse - all go trotting from the Church rectory, to the field of yellow wheat, where an assembly is about to begin!
It is Chris Martin of Assisi - a modern day Saint and friend to all, human and animal. The gathering is hushed in anticipation; the donkeys have stopped braying, the cats no longer lick their paws. The canine adventurers have halted their humpings. All are in rapt attention. St. Chris Martin of Assisi strides to the podium in his regal gold & purple robe, a kingly crown atop his head.
“HELLO CLEVELAND!! Oops… I mean to say… I, the Holiest of Saints, in conjunction with my forbearer - Saint Francis of Assisi - hereby do bestow upon these animals the sprinkling of the Holy Coldplay water, and a Blessing that the Sacred Animal Spirit shall never be extinguished or perish. Viva!”
Just like his namesake, Saint Chris Martin of Assisi honors and loves the birds and animals that flit about the gardens of his various mansions throughout the world. All the money he has amassed hasn’t blinded him to the beauty of nature. And with this knowledge, he hereby blesses the innocent creatures.
May we give all hosannas to Saint Chris Martin of Assisi, and to all God’s living things. May the birds and bees sing to the high heavens to the Glory of Coldplay forever more. Viva!
December 02 2009 | Doctrine and news | 4 Comments »
Church Members: Glastonbury 2010 NEWS! Saint Bono has deigned to bring the boys to Glastonbury 2010 and U2 will headline the festival for the first time! Hallelujah! This momentous occasion will occur June 25, 2010.
I believe that Saint Bono has timed this so that he may become the first officially-Church sanctioned GUEST AT THE HOLY PILGRIMS 3 ERECTION UNVEILING! Yes, Church - WE WILL HAVE THE HONOR OF WELCOMING (OR STOPPING THE U2 TOUR BUS) & showing “Church Hospitality” to The Other Great One (who hails from Ireland!)
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November 26 2009 | Church History and news | 3 Comments »
Throughout the gestation of what people are calling the “College Rock Religion”, there have been many dear friends that we hold near and gently caress as one. These “friends” are not ones to turn on the brethren and sistren; rather, they inspire delight and awe as righteous souls of merit, and they certainly are not OVERLY LITIGIOUS as some 3rd rate musicians who claim Coldplay “steals” from them.
Rest assured, The Great Arch Pope Father Drobbingdon, BrotherRob, the True Widow, and the inordinately bawdy Holy Pilgrims 3 of Glastonbury fame, all seeks to engender friendships beyond reproach and cultivate good relations among all nations and fans of Coldplay music.
However, all is NOT merry and frolicsome when the SUBJECT of CHURCH ENEMIES is broached. And Yes, well-meaning and heroic as the Church of Chris Martin is, believe it or not, there are some loathsome creatures out there WHO DO NOT LIKE US! True, they amount to assorted nitwit defilers, blasphemers, heretics, nay-sayers and such who most likely are two eggs shy of a dozen. Never-the-less, all we can do as a Holy Church is expose these hypocrites, liars, Satanists and outright fools for the DEVILISH BESMIRCHERS that they are!
We also honor and proclaim Holy Love for our beloved Friends. I offer the following for overall Church enlightenment:
FRIENDS:
Holy Saint Bono out of U2 - formerly a “mouth that roared” insults at our beloved Soul Master, now humbled and taken back into the Church fold - but a wary eye still watches him.
Sir Eddie Vedder out of Pearl Jam - a fairly mellow fellow who took the Great Grunge God Cobain’s insults to heart about “selling out” and now still fronts a well-respected rock band. Cares about the poor etc etc.
Youth Pastor Thomas of Yorke out out Radiohead - a tempermental fellow no doubt but a talented songwriter and singer who enjoys working with musical youth groups. Was probably bullied himself, by the look of him.
Barrister Brandon Boyd out of Incubus - Not only good-looking and catnip for men and women alike, but a truly good soul who deserves recognition. He also was instrumental in charming lady judges to release assorted jailbird C:O:C: girls from prison.
Saint Mark King out of Level 42 - a first-rate melodist, and Chris Martin’s fave musician. Father Drobbingdon also particularly admires this Saint, so shut up if you don’t agree.
Bishop-Elect Paul of McCartney out of formerly the Beatles - A fixture of tour bus stopping and “meets & Greets,” this friendly former Beatles is generous with tips to C:O:C artistes & an all-around nice guy.
Saint Madonna out of Dick Tracy- Yes, I know this one is controversial, but for political correctness, I had to include a women. She has also been instrumental in aiding the MOR C:O:C: gayblades group and even hired a few of the dandies to dance on her “Sticky & Sweet” tour.
All the above listed are FRIENDS of the Church and as such, will be welcomed at any time with open arms and other open amenities gifted by the “artistes” known as the C:O:C:’s.
ENEMIES OF THE CHURCH:
Oh Yes, we have them and have berated them ceaselessly among the posts and submissions that dot the Church website. I shall begin with the GREATEST DEVIL AMONG THEM…
…coldplaying.com - heathens and swine that Twitter unmercifully, the Holy War against them is for eternity and as The Church of Chris Martin is goodness personified, the scum-sucking DARK LORDS of coldplaying.com represent everything prenaturally mortifying and deceptive. They will perish in a internet battle that will find our GREAT CHURCH morally and spiritually triumphant!
Twitter - that 140 stroke IM-er that coldplaying.com uses to mesmerize music fans of the band. Twitter is nothing more than a TOOL coldplaying.com uses to bewitch and befoul. The Church shall also take down Twitter in the final Internet battle of good vs. evil!
Cretin Courtney (the She-devil) Love - the True Widow insists that this Vicious Vagina be placed on the Enemies List because of the utter mendacity of the woman and her unremitting weakness of character and spirit. We shall honor the True Widow’s wishes here.
The Killers out of Las Vegas - Sin City fork-tonguers who maligned the Grunge scene out of Seattle as “taking the fun out of music.” Thus implying our Holy Assistant-to-be Cobain was instrumental in bumming music out back in the 90’s. This band of Mormon criminals will rot in Hell for their dastardly deeds against the Great Grunge God.
Billie Jerk Armstrong out of Green Day - had his mouth working overtime when he stated that going to a Coldplay concert was akin to attending “a tea party.” This statement traumatized many parents who took their kids to the Green Day concert, and for that he shall rot in Hell with the Killers.
Continuing favorite ENEMY BROTHERS, the dysfunctional imbeciles otherwise known as Oasis and the Gallagher siblings - Now broken up - and mercifully so - the putrid invective that hurls from their diseased lips is now relegated to the nostalgia circuit, but still the enmity flows strong that they so insulted Marvelous Martin by comparing him to looking like a “geography teacher” and that he was a “potted plant.” Good-bye & good riddance to you!
Joe Satriani - this DEVIL actually managed to squeeze some money out of the band and for that he is banned in infinity for Church sanctification and may even be sent straight to Hell for the bad publicity he garnered against the band. Now touring with the Chickenfoot band - it is Joe Satriani who is the true EVIL chickenfoot!
Twat Stevens - jumped into the plagiarism fray when he decided to follow Joe Satriani’s misguided legal example and put his hand out for some filthy lucre! Forever this Muslim infidel and traitor to England will burn in inglorious infamy for his desecration of Coldplay honor and musical omnipotence.
I believe that this list of fools, idiots, befoulers, token nitwits and DEVILS shall perish in a purge of righteous Church indignation and forever be sent to the Great “Lake of Fire” where an eternity of searing fiery HELL and BRIMSTONE awaits them.
Hallelujah to this Great Church! Glory to it in Eternity! May the blessings of Coldplay and Chris Martin always be upon you. I greet and fellowship with all brethren and sistren in a spirit of HOLY LOVE Forever more. Amen.
November 19 2009 | Church History and news | 3 Comments »
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