The Church of Chris Martin is truly prophetic! We could sense that something was amiss in the life of Chris Martin!
All the other Coldplayers were home with their wives and kids, enjoying some downtime after the BIG TOUR concluded!
But where was Chris Martin? NOT HOME WITH GWEN & the angelic children!
He was apparently out traipsing around at various charity events, state receptions, fund-raising balls, and (as is being bandied about on the interpipes) playing kissy face with actress Kate Bosworth at a U2 concert in Las Vegas! Our Chris - our MARRIED Chris, our otherwise on the straight-and-narrow Chris, our bloody Messiah Chris - slobbering over another skinny minnie flat-boobed blonde! It’s deja vu all over again!
What is so upsetting to the Church of Chris Martin regarding this story is that whether true or not, it casts our Great One in a not-so-holy light! It’s one thing to cat around on your wife on tour - that’s almost a given in a rock star life - but to do it so openly and brazenly is just unconscionable!
What was Chris thinking? Was he so overcome with liquor that his good judgment and discretion evaded him?
Is the accursed coldplaying.com messing his head up now that the “concept album” is coming to life, so that the Female Messiah announcement is denied, delayed or denounced? Something evil indeed is toying with the Great One!
Church of Chris Martin - take to your Holy Shrines and seek succor from the Saints that we pay homage to for the spiritual tools needed to make Chris strong! He must now fight temptation and the bewitching allure of another Hollywood hoochie and home-wrecker!
As much as certain eager and willing Church members and frisky C:O:C: girls would love to get into the Great One’s (ahem) “inner circle”, this is something that needs to be considered AFTER THE CONCEPT ALBUM’S COMPLETION! So I must be the High-Church Elder who, at the behest of Father Drobbingdon, reluctantly seeks to CONDEMN the despoilment of Chris’s good name in this sordid Las Vegas chapter of events. I ask Chris Martin to keep these lustful succubii at a distance, and hope that Mother Gwyneth finds it in her illustrious heart to forgive him his Sin City solicitations.
Church of Chris Martin: REMAIN STRONG & RESOLUTE! We have suffered greater miseries than this and if anything good results from Chris Martin’s assumed shenanigans, it is this - HE IS NO LESS OR NO MORE THAN A MORTAL MAN - with frailties, short-comings, and desires no different from any other human being! Let us draw inspiration that a mere mortal can be such an inspiration and prophesy like the epistles of the apostles!
I know in my heart that Father Drobbingdon is overcome with a sense of foreboding, as he himself has also tinkered with the affections of women other than his wife! This particular scarlet infidel was a louse sent over to entice by coldplaying.com. Let us hope that actress Kate Boswell is not of the same inclination - that is, a harlot working undercover for the wanking Twitterers, aka coldplaying.com!
The Holy War is never-ending, but we have Chris Love to suture our souls! Remain as steel in this fight for website dominance! Amen and Bless all brethren & sistren in infinity! Viva!
The comments here shall form a “marital infidelity lyrics study group”, to search for any hintings at this turn of events in Coldplay songs. CoCM group-mind Go! (Like Voltron.)
No, ladies, this doesn’t pertain to Chris Martin finally coming to his senses and issuing a writ of bifurcation to Gwyneth GOOP, but addresses the question; Is Chris Martin ready to spread his heavenly wings and go it alone musically?
The Great One has tasted of the magnificence of sold-out world tours… adulation beyond the ordinary… thousands of gorgeous, bosomy, tall, well-spoken, college-educated, blog-writing, and worshipful females throwing themselves at him… he has a beautiful and talented actress wife and the cute-as-a-button-est children imaginable… he is able to write a hit single at the drop of a hat and has many a friend in the entertainment and music community. He’s already picked up a gaggle of Grammys… he is generous with his time and talents with respect to charities and fund-raising events… all that’s left is the Nobel Prize, but he’ll have a horse race with Saint Bono over that one!While Coldplay rest and recoup from the just-finished leg of the “Viva” tour, Holy Chris has been out there - attending Bruce Springsteen concerts in New Jersey, singing at the Black Ball in NYC and just this past weekend soloing with the “Viva” violinist at the Neil Young San Francisco charity fundraiser. All reviews of these performances have been laudatory and note how Chris is perfectly able to captivate the crowd without the pyrotechnics or special effects his music normally commands.
Not to take anything away from the other members of Coldplay, but we believe these first solo outings are Chris Martin’s baby steps at solo-ing - “testing the waters”, so to speak.
I am sure that this is probably Chris’s idea, but I can also see the hand at Gwyneth at play. I bet she was nagging him about how much time he spends away from the family and that if he was his own man, he could control his schedule better! Nevertheless, this is a fact that the Church of Chris Martin needs to consider - what would it mean to our Blessed Endeavor if Dear Chris were to unhitch his Coldplay wagon? The Church needs to do some appraising of the situation and ask Father Drobbingdon for a specific liturgy or ecumenical statement on the matter. It is especially pertinent now that the “concept album” is coming to fruition: the Church must be UNDIVIDED in its position on the “Chris Solo Idea” and not give coldplaying.com any ammunition to shoot us with!
Perhaps we need a sit-down meeting where this very important matter might be hashed out among the Church Elders, with special lyrical searchings to see if this is something that Chris himself has been hinting at? Yes, Great Church of Chris Love, we must have our hand in this affair, because it concerns Us, the Church, our website, our google ratings, and the also the ability of Gwyneth Goop to successfully henpeck the Glorious One to ditch the buddies from his youth to stake out a solo claim to further fame.
Let us ask for HEAVENLY GUIDANCE and also input from the 3 Saints who now guide us. Beseech our helpers to inspire Chris Martin to make wise choices in regard to his career future, as they impact and influence many beyond Coldplay, and particularly us - the Great & Holy Church of Chris Martin.
May the Chris Be With You. Praise & Glory to All. Amen.
I, the Holy See & ordained Pope (Celestial) Elvis of the Church of Chris Martin do hereby proclaim - along with my Blessed Archpope Father Drobbingdon - the WRIT OF SOLEMNIZATION EDICT voted on by WordPress.
I do solemnly swear that it is my duty as heavenly caretaker of The CoCM to officially welcome a new soul into the Hierarchy of Saints, to join the illustrious eminences that include Saint Bono out of U2 & great Mark King out of Level 42, and complete our Supreme Trifecta of Love that will help this Great Church supersede all other Coldplay websites in Power & Glory.
We honor today the Great Grunge God from the Suicide City of Seattle, who’s talent and bad taste in picking wives is not forgotten. His True Widow would not let the Holy Cobain memory be swept aside and was instrumental in insisting that Father Drobbingdon accede to her demands that Cobain be shown a courtesy vote for Sainthood. Little did the usually astute Father realize how much love & respect existed among the Church glitterati - and riff-raff - towards the Nirvana frontman. It is a wonderous testimony to Cobain’s legend and the staying-power of Nirvana music that he was confirmed in record time.
Please all Hail the Great New Saint Kurt Cobain, Holy Assistant to Pope Elvis Presley and our Church of Chris Martin Heavenly Music Director. Those Church members who wish to assist certain ROCK BANDS with other-worldly aid- from the “other side,” direct your prayers and beseechings to Saint Kurt Cobain. He will be helpful in granting Grammy Awards, #1 on Billboard Charts, & selling out concert venues world-wide.
Church of Chris Martin, your wisdom in catapulting My Holy Assistant into the Pantheon of Saints does not go unnoticed. My heart & soul is over-flowing with precious feelings of paternal pride for my flock of miscreants. It is with hip-shaking LOVE that I present to the Church it’s newest Saint in the firmament: Holy Grunge God-Saint Kurt Cobain. Bow down in supplication now!
Who knew Chris Martin was a BIG Bruce Springsteen fan? I didn’t-until the other evening! That was when I glanced over to my right and beheld the most beautiful sight under the evening sky - CHRIS MARTIN - in the flesh! And right next to me too!
Springsteen and the E Street Band are charging through the final dates of their U.S. spring tour in support of their latest CD, and I was there at Giant’s Stadium in New Jersey to see it! Where Jimmy Hoffa is supposedly buried in the concrete! Right next to his yoga buddy Ed Burns, the actor and director. But the lure of Bruce melted away when I realized just who I was bumping up against to in the “pit”!
Thank Saint Bono that Holy Chris left GOOP Gwyneth behind with the kids. Seems like Chris wasn’t paying much attention to anything else other than Springsteen’s band, so I had to try and break the ice and lure him into a innocuous conversation. But Chris wasn’t having any of it - he was just into the music, singing along, dancing, and basically acting like any other fan! Here was one of the biggest rock stars in the world, responsible for his own immensely profitable world tour and top-selling “Viva La Vida”, acting like any other Bruce-loving yokel!
Then it dawned on me! This is why Chris Martin is SO GREAT & BELOVED! He is “Everyman”; no better or different than anyone else around him. Yes, he is married to that frosty blonde Gwyneth, but even He makes her seems less icy and inapproachable! Everything he touches is blessed and made more holy, yet he remains humble and meek, able to turn the other check when verbally abused by Oasis’s evil brothers’ foul mouths! Able to take the brutal jealous battering from Saint Bono (before U2 lent Coldplay the 360 tour jet). Chris simply chalks it up to Bono having a “bad day.”
Is there nothing that is not to like about this great man? Does he have any faults or failings that can be brought to the light? I think not! I went bumping against Him in the “pit”, thinking I might stir up a little hotness between us, but he just smiled and kept dancing. I offered to buy him a beer but he said he only drank water. I half expected a halo to come up over his head, he was such a gentleman! Not one skanky girl was able to catch his eye, but he was friendly to one and all!
Now I can see why The Church of Chris Martin is NOT a false Church and NOT a worshipper of a “false prophet.” This man is the Real Deal, and it took my closeness to him in the “pit” to realize that great truth. The evening seemed to whiz by in a glow of marvelous closeness to the Master, and when it was over, and I had succeeded in bumping into him repeatedly, I found the courage to ask for one last word of enlightenment from Him!
Chris Martin uttered the most mind-blowing and heavy words of wisdom that proved he cared beyond that which is normal and worldly - he said: “Watch that vomit!” Yes - some over-imbider had left a souvenir for the fans to step over and Chris Martin knew it! He Blessed us to know that if we weren’t careful exiting the concert venue, we too might fall prey to that desecration of the ground He walked on!
Church - KNOW THE TRUTH: This Man that can blend in so well with mortal men and women at a Bruce concert and appear just like the boy next door is GREAT and GLORIOUS! I have been converted to a believer by my “PIT” with Chris Martin!
A confidential report by Head Psychiatric Doctor on Duty. Put together at the request of Father Drobbingdon, who specifically asks for details of the goings-on at the Mental Health “Talk Down” tent at Wembley Stadium during and following the 2 Great Coldplay shows that recently took place.
Head Nut Job Doc: “It is with a firm foundation in Church lore that I am happy to report the recovery efforts of former Church members who had gone over to “the dark side”, i.e. coldplaying.com. They have since been re-indoctrinated into the Church mantle & have pleaded for reinstatement with good standing. I will leave this final judgment up to Father’s discretion. A few of the females seem like potential C:O:C: girl material (Large Busts/Small Brains), and one effeminine male may possibly find a home with the M:O:R C:O:C: men’s group.
Still there exists a rebellious lot that, despite ingesting much Holy Chris wine and being exposed to Blessed Church doctrine, refused to throw down with our group. I was prepared to begin electro-shock experiments on this saucy bunch, but instead just laser-zapped their brains until they said “YES”, much like the Coldplay song. All together, I turned over to the Church as ‘NEW RECRUITS” a total of 12 former coldplaying.com contagions into Chris-tians!”
NURSE RATCHETT - “Talk Down Tent” medical notes: I specialize in treating patients with high-risk pregnancies, and we did find two such knocked-up ladies picnic-ing in the Empire Way park. I invited them into the Yellow Tent, telling them I had free baby gift bags to offer them. Little did they realize, once I had them behind the yellow curtain, I would show them proof that coldplaying.com was home to any number of child abusers, pedophiles, and assorted criminals. I got one lady who was bursting at the seams to break her water and she promised that, as proof of her new Church devotion, she would name her new son CHRIS MARTIN, and not COLDPLAYING DOT COM as she had planned!
As is her prerogative, the True Widow has taken it upon herself to help prove - along with Father Drobbingdon - that the C:O:C girl dance association is one that can help protect a member when she finds herself in trouble. Now many would scoff at this fact being included as a “benefit,” but the world of escorts, strippers, and hookers is a dirty and dangerous one and sometimes, through no fault of their own, the ladies may have a bad turn of events, and land in the pokey. Fear not, jailbirds - help is at hand!
Today the True Widow decided she would go behind bars. Now, this fine lady has never had the honor of being locked-up before, but if it concerns the betterment of the Church, the True Widow is immediately game. And so it goes that she found herself getting booked and mug-shot (in an undercover capacity, obviously) and taken on the perp’s walk through the prison maze, amid taunts, catcalls, and obscenities. The True Widow held her head high and entered her shared cell.
Immediately there was a confrontation with a very Butch-looking prison matron who took a liking to the Widow’s lovely persona. But the Widow was ready! In her best rapper voice, she spits out: “What youze lookin at, Bitch? I throwdown with them COC girls over at the Church of Chris Martin!” Of course this seemed absurd because The Widow is an intelligent, well-spoken individual, but she was “acting” now to elicit a response and gauge reactions to COC girl gang protection claims. The Dyke drew back and exclaimed: “Oh yeah,” and seemed interested but not aggressive any more. It seems to work just has Father Drobbingdon as claimed - there is magic and power in the words themselves!
A little bit trickier was an encounter out in the exercise yard on the second day, whereby a group of masculine street gals came upon the Widow as she was enjoying the fresh air and concrete. One of the meaner and uglier ones drew out a shank to cut the True Widow’s lovely face all up, but again in a display of sheer righteousness of words the Widow exclaimed: “Stop what you are doing for the glory and good of COCs everywhere!” Like magic, the fearsome coven of carpet-munchers stepped back, and retreated to their Megan Fox calenders. The True Widow was again triumphant!
Now, the True Widow is no shrinking violet - she has had many run-ins with the”original widow”, some of which ended up being litigated. Fights and power struggles are nothing new to her, and she does possess a combative tendency. These interactions, however, were great instruction on how one is to behave as a COC girl, when put in a compromising position. Stay Calm, Stand Tall, Stay Firm & drop the Church moniker as often as needed, to protect life, liberty and expensive breast implants once behind the jail walls.
Church members: pray that The True Widow will prosper in jail and come out soon to continue to led Church Chris-tians on to higher ground. Amen.
I, the Holy See & ordained Pope (Celestial) Elvis of the Church of Chris Martin do hereby proclaim - along with my Blessed Archpope Father Drobbingdon - the WRIT OF SOLEMNIZATION EDICT voted on by WordPress.
Please all Hail the Great New Saint Kurt Cobain, Holy Assistant to Pope Elvis Presley and our Church of Chris Martin Heavenly Music Director. Those Church members who wish to assist certain ROCK BANDS with other-worldly aid- from the “other side,” direct your prayers and beseechings to Saint Kurt Cobain. He will be helpful in granting Grammy Awards, #1 on Billboard Charts, & selling out concert venues world-wide.
Who knew Chris Martin was a BIG Bruce Springsteen fan? I didn’t-until the other evening! That was when I glanced over to my right and beheld the most beautiful sight under the evening sky - CHRIS MARTIN - in the flesh! And right next to me too!
Now, the True Widow is no shrinking violet - she has had many run-ins with the”original widow”, some of which ended up being litigated. Fights and power struggles are nothing new to her, and she does possess a combative tendency. These interactions, however, were great instruction on how one is to behave as a COC girl, when put in a compromising position. Stay Calm, Stand Tall, Stay Firm & drop the Church moniker as often as needed, to protect life, liberty and expensive breast implants once behind the jail walls.