The C:O:C: Girls are in a Festive Mood! Not just because Chris Martin might be cheating on Gwyneth and there might be a chance for some of the girls to attain “spiritual fulfillment” with our Soul Master! Not because Saint Bono is coming to Glastonbury 2010 and perhaps will be available for some “Irish Cream” behind the Yellow Tents! And not because Father Drobbingdon has served the divorce papers on that shrew of a wife and will soon be free to “study Coldplay lyrics” with some of the younger, more curvaceous disciples! Rather, the C:O:C: girls have balls on their minds!
Though the Yellow Tent has been put away until Glastonbury 2010, that doesn’t mean all the behind-the-scene’s “shenanigans” have put to bed. Quite the contrary-despite the accusations of vice cops and public health workers–the C:O:C: “artistes” remain (somewhat) ambulatory & ready to celebrate the “joys” of the season! As a token of their love and appreciation for all the blessings bestowed on them this year, the lovely ladies will be doing a Holiday C:O:C: Ball Hanging and Dance-a-thon. This C:O:C: tree-decorating will be the social highlight of the Holiday party season and any drooling Rock Star worth his weight in groupies will want his own personal balls hung by a C:O:C:!
I can see it now: balls festooned with the names of Saint Bono, Bishop-Elect McCartney (a C:O:C: tour bus favorite) Saint Mark King, newly-minted Saint Cobain, Pope Elvis Presley, token black potential Saint Michael Jackson, and others too numerous to mention. Beautiful multi-colored lights will gently drape the tree and mistletoe will hang. The topper will be a paper mache sculpture of our Church object of desire: Chris Martin! He will reign over all the lesser subject balls that dot the C:O:C: tree. The C:O:C: girls have choreographed a special “artiste” dance that creatively captures the overwhelming desire of love and admiration the girls have towards the Coldplay frontman. It will, of course, as the spirit of sublime spiritual love overwhelms the girls, degenerate into a naked expression of emotion, until they begin to disappear into the bushes with the special guests.
To honor Father Drobingdon, all the girls got together - au naturale - for a photo-shoot! Yes, so much fun and frivolity was had on the side of the road this summer with our Arch Pope, that a momento was called for. (It is important that this photo SHALL NOT fall into the hands of Mother Drobbingdon, as she may deign to use it in the divorce proceedings!) Father Drobbingdon has shown so much “paternal devotion” and “chaste concern” to certain C:O:C: ladies that they all wished to show their naked gratitude to this Devoted Over-Seer and Master of Chris Martin’s Church!
The Holidays are a time of remembrance of the past year’s delights and triumphs. We celebrate all the new friends made, in prison, the bushes or Yellow Tents. One is thankful for bail bondsmen, charming barristers and negative health dept. tests. Father Drobbingdon is always grateful for antibiotics and pitbull divorce attorneys.
The True Widow took the most well-behaved bunch of C:O:C:’s to the prison where she was (voluntarily) locked up & passed out Xmas cookies, cosmetic samples and sanitary supplies to the many jailbird friends she made while incarcerated! Christmas carols were sung and the group studied Coldplay lyrics while admiring flattering photos of Chris Martin. This activity was instrumental in turning many of the gay girls hetero - or at least bi - when they beheld the magnificence of our Church Soul Master!
So as we gather among the decorated Magi & scenes of the Virgin and Child in the manger, let us call upon the better angels of our nature and NOT cast aspersions on the “Loose” knit group of Church of Chris women better known as the C:O:C:’s! They may be of a somewhat dubious character & easily-begotten charms, but they all LOVE Chris Martin as we all do. Let us HONOR that this season, as we celebrate all that is Holy, Blessed and Divine among us - namely Prophet of the Female Messiah, Chris Martin! Viva!
Hey Saint Francis - there’s a new playa in town, and he be down with the animals too! As a matter-of-fact, Chris Martin took a personal vow of poverty - despite being inordinately wealthy - and his gentle spirit is entrusted by animals big and small! He is your spiritual brother in animal husbandry!
Chris reaches out with his music and his heart to the many folks for whom their pet is their only true companion. The bond between a person and a pet is a bond like no other, of two creatures aligned in love. Let us cast a blessing on these devoted followers and their little friends, that goes something like this:
“Blessed are you, Lord God, maker of all living creatures. You called forth fish in the sea, birds to fly at the speed of light through the air and animals on the land. You inspired St. Francis (and Chris Martin) to call all of them his brothers and sisters. We ask you to bless this pet. By the power of your love, enable it to live according to your plan. May we always praise you for all your beauty in creation. We live in a beautiful world! Viva!”
Then the pet is sprinkled with some Holy Water (which is bottled water that has traveled on the Coldplay Tour bus/Lear Tour Jet & been within proximity of Chris Martin for 24 hours or more). A procession of animals is then begun - from the lowliest rat up to the biggest horse - all go trotting from the Church rectory, to the field of yellow wheat, where an assembly is about to begin!
It is Chris Martin of Assisi - a modern day Saint and friend to all, human and animal. The gathering is hushed in anticipation; the donkeys have stopped braying, the cats no longer lick their paws. The canine adventurers have halted their humpings. All are in rapt attention. St. Chris Martin of Assisi strides to the podium in his regal gold & purple robe, a kingly crown atop his head.
“HELLO CLEVELAND!! Oops… I mean to say… I, the Holiest of Saints, in conjunction with my forbearer - Saint Francis of Assisi - hereby do bestow upon these animals the sprinkling of the Holy Coldplay water, and a Blessing that the Sacred Animal Spirit shall never be extinguished or perish. Viva!”
Just like his namesake, Saint Chris Martin of Assisi honors and loves the birds and animals that flit about the gardens of his various mansions throughout the world. All the money he has amassed hasn’t blinded him to the beauty of nature. And with this knowledge, he hereby blesses the innocent creatures.
May we give all hosannas to Saint Chris Martin of Assisi, and to all God’s living things. May the birds and bees sing to the high heavens to the Glory of Coldplay forever more. Viva!
The Church of Chris Martin is truly prophetic! We could sense that something was amiss in the life of Chris Martin!
All the other Coldplayers were home with their wives and kids, enjoying some downtime after the BIG TOUR concluded!
But where was Chris Martin? NOT HOME WITH GWEN & the angelic children!
He was apparently out traipsing around at various charity events, state receptions, fund-raising balls, and (as is being bandied about on the interpipes) playing kissy face with actress Kate Bosworth at a U2 concert in Las Vegas! Our Chris - our MARRIED Chris, our otherwise on the straight-and-narrow Chris, our bloody Messiah Chris - slobbering over another skinny minnie flat-boobed blonde! It’s deja vu all over again!
What is so upsetting to the Church of Chris Martin regarding this story is that whether true or not, it casts our Great One in a not-so-holy light! It’s one thing to cat around on your wife on tour - that’s almost a given in a rock star life - but to do it so openly and brazenly is just unconscionable!
What was Chris thinking? Was he so overcome with liquor that his good judgment and discretion evaded him?
Is the accursed coldplaying.com messing his head up now that the “concept album” is coming to life, so that the Female Messiah announcement is denied, delayed or denounced? Something evil indeed is toying with the Great One!
Church of Chris Martin - take to your Holy Shrines and seek succor from the Saints that we pay homage to for the spiritual tools needed to make Chris strong! He must now fight temptation and the bewitching allure of another Hollywood hoochie and home-wrecker!
As much as certain eager and willing Church members and frisky C:O:C: girls would love to get into the Great One’s (ahem) “inner circle”, this is something that needs to be considered AFTER THE CONCEPT ALBUM’S COMPLETION! So I must be the High-Church Elder who, at the behest of Father Drobbingdon, reluctantly seeks to CONDEMN the despoilment of Chris’s good name in this sordid Las Vegas chapter of events. I ask Chris Martin to keep these lustful succubii at a distance, and hope that Mother Gwyneth finds it in her illustrious heart to forgive him his Sin City solicitations.
Church of Chris Martin: REMAIN STRONG & RESOLUTE! We have suffered greater miseries than this and if anything good results from Chris Martin’s assumed shenanigans, it is this - HE IS NO LESS OR NO MORE THAN A MORTAL MAN - with frailties, short-comings, and desires no different from any other human being! Let us draw inspiration that a mere mortal can be such an inspiration and prophesy like the epistles of the apostles!
I know in my heart that Father Drobbingdon is overcome with a sense of foreboding, as he himself has also tinkered with the affections of women other than his wife! This particular scarlet infidel was a louse sent over to entice by coldplaying.com. Let us hope that actress Kate Boswell is not of the same inclination - that is, a harlot working undercover for the wanking Twitterers, aka coldplaying.com!
The Holy War is never-ending, but we have Chris Love to suture our souls! Remain as steel in this fight for website dominance! Amen and Bless all brethren & sistren in infinity! Viva!
The comments here shall form a “marital infidelity lyrics study group”, to search for any hintings at this turn of events in Coldplay songs. CoCM group-mind Go! (Like Voltron.)
No, ladies, this doesn’t pertain to Chris Martin finally coming to his senses and issuing a writ of bifurcation to Gwyneth GOOP, but addresses the question; Is Chris Martin ready to spread his heavenly wings and go it alone musically?
The Great One has tasted of the magnificence of sold-out world tours… adulation beyond the ordinary… thousands of gorgeous, bosomy, tall, well-spoken, college-educated, blog-writing, and worshipful females throwing themselves at him… he has a beautiful and talented actress wife and the cute-as-a-button-est children imaginable… he is able to write a hit single at the drop of a hat and has many a friend in the entertainment and music community. He’s already picked up a gaggle of Grammys… he is generous with his time and talents with respect to charities and fund-raising events… all that’s left is the Nobel Prize, but he’ll have a horse race with Saint Bono over that one!While Coldplay rest and recoup from the just-finished leg of the “Viva” tour, Holy Chris has been out there - attending Bruce Springsteen concerts in New Jersey, singing at the Black Ball in NYC and just this past weekend soloing with the “Viva” violinist at the Neil Young San Francisco charity fundraiser. All reviews of these performances have been laudatory and note how Chris is perfectly able to captivate the crowd without the pyrotechnics or special effects his music normally commands.
Not to take anything away from the other members of Coldplay, but we believe these first solo outings are Chris Martin’s baby steps at solo-ing - “testing the waters”, so to speak.
I am sure that this is probably Chris’s idea, but I can also see the hand at Gwyneth at play. I bet she was nagging him about how much time he spends away from the family and that if he was his own man, he could control his schedule better! Nevertheless, this is a fact that the Church of Chris Martin needs to consider - what would it mean to our Blessed Endeavor if Dear Chris were to unhitch his Coldplay wagon? The Church needs to do some appraising of the situation and ask Father Drobbingdon for a specific liturgy or ecumenical statement on the matter. It is especially pertinent now that the “concept album” is coming to fruition: the Church must be UNDIVIDED in its position on the “Chris Solo Idea” and not give coldplaying.com any ammunition to shoot us with!
Perhaps we need a sit-down meeting where this very important matter might be hashed out among the Church Elders, with special lyrical searchings to see if this is something that Chris himself has been hinting at? Yes, Great Church of Chris Love, we must have our hand in this affair, because it concerns Us, the Church, our website, our google ratings, and the also the ability of Gwyneth Goop to successfully henpeck the Glorious One to ditch the buddies from his youth to stake out a solo claim to further fame.
Let us ask for HEAVENLY GUIDANCE and also input from the 3 Saints who now guide us. Beseech our helpers to inspire Chris Martin to make wise choices in regard to his career future, as they impact and influence many beyond Coldplay, and particularly us - the Great & Holy Church of Chris Martin.
May the Chris Be With You. Praise & Glory to All. Amen.
Who knew Chris Martin was a BIG Bruce Springsteen fan? I didn’t-until the other evening! That was when I glanced over to my right and beheld the most beautiful sight under the evening sky - CHRIS MARTIN - in the flesh! And right next to me too!
Springsteen and the E Street Band are charging through the final dates of their U.S. spring tour in support of their latest CD, and I was there at Giant’s Stadium in New Jersey to see it! Where Jimmy Hoffa is supposedly buried in the concrete! Right next to his yoga buddy Ed Burns, the actor and director. But the lure of Bruce melted away when I realized just who I was bumping up against to in the “pit”!
Thank Saint Bono that Holy Chris left GOOP Gwyneth behind with the kids. Seems like Chris wasn’t paying much attention to anything else other than Springsteen’s band, so I had to try and break the ice and lure him into a innocuous conversation. But Chris wasn’t having any of it - he was just into the music, singing along, dancing, and basically acting like any other fan! Here was one of the biggest rock stars in the world, responsible for his own immensely profitable world tour and top-selling “Viva La Vida”, acting like any other Bruce-loving yokel!
Then it dawned on me! This is why Chris Martin is SO GREAT & BELOVED! He is “Everyman”; no better or different than anyone else around him. Yes, he is married to that frosty blonde Gwyneth, but even He makes her seems less icy and inapproachable! Everything he touches is blessed and made more holy, yet he remains humble and meek, able to turn the other check when verbally abused by Oasis’s evil brothers’ foul mouths! Able to take the brutal jealous battering from Saint Bono (before U2 lent Coldplay the 360 tour jet). Chris simply chalks it up to Bono having a “bad day.”
Is there nothing that is not to like about this great man? Does he have any faults or failings that can be brought to the light? I think not! I went bumping against Him in the “pit”, thinking I might stir up a little hotness between us, but he just smiled and kept dancing. I offered to buy him a beer but he said he only drank water. I half expected a halo to come up over his head, he was such a gentleman! Not one skanky girl was able to catch his eye, but he was friendly to one and all!
Now I can see why The Church of Chris Martin is NOT a false Church and NOT a worshipper of a “false prophet.” This man is the Real Deal, and it took my closeness to him in the “pit” to realize that great truth. The evening seemed to whiz by in a glow of marvelous closeness to the Master, and when it was over, and I had succeeded in bumping into him repeatedly, I found the courage to ask for one last word of enlightenment from Him!
Chris Martin uttered the most mind-blowing and heavy words of wisdom that proved he cared beyond that which is normal and worldly - he said: “Watch that vomit!” Yes - some over-imbider had left a souvenir for the fans to step over and Chris Martin knew it! He Blessed us to know that if we weren’t careful exiting the concert venue, we too might fall prey to that desecration of the ground He walked on!
Church - KNOW THE TRUTH: This Man that can blend in so well with mortal men and women at a Bruce concert and appear just like the boy next door is GREAT and GLORIOUS! I have been converted to a believer by my “PIT” with Chris Martin!
Who knew Chris Martin was a BIG Bruce Springsteen fan? I didn’t-until the other evening! That was when I glanced over to my right and beheld the most beautiful sight under the evening sky - CHRIS MARTIN - in the flesh! And right next to me too!
