Yes! Although he is a unique individual, his name is common as muck! Here are some of them!
Chris Martin, pharmacist - district manager for five branches of Lloyd’s, responsible for five branches in Stroud and Nailsworth. Staff took Mr Martin for a special retirement meal on August 15, where he was presented with gifts including a garden rocking chair. The father-of-two plans to spend his retirement travelling, gardening and driving patients to hospital as a volunteer. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 6/10
Chris Martin, footballist (US: soccerer) - 20-year-old Norwich City striker. Something of a philosopher - “There’s still a long way to go in the competition, but it’s a nice win here and we’re through to the next round”, “It was nice to get a game and I think we came away with a win that we probably deserved.” MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 4/10
Chris Martin, American footballist (UK: armoured rugbyer) - recently joined Grandview but committed to play at Notre Dame next season. Martin is a 6-foot-4 245-pound defensive end who is reported to run a sub-4.7 40-yard dash, and able to dominate a game on his pure athleticism only. I do not know what any of that means. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 2/10
Chris Martin, graphic designer and marketing guru. According to his blog, “Everyone has a story to tell. From the services you provide, to the way you are impacting your world, now you can tell your story to the world.” Sometimes, he doesn’t even untie his shoes when he takes them off: “It depends on how I am feeling at the moment. Most of the time, I just yank the shoe off my foot and throw it on the floor.” Clearly, he tries WAY too hard. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - 0/10
Chris Martin, singer, songwriter, philosopher, poet and messiah. Sings in Coldplay and tends to save souls. Married to Gwyneth Paltrow. IS THE MESSIAH. MESSIAH QUOTIENT - ?/10.
This comes as Martin tours an album featuring a track called 42, and which runs exactly 42 minutes. And yet humanity still insists that CM is JUST a singer, and that the symbolism the CoCM take from his teachings are “mere coincidence”.
Chris, it should be noted, is not only a big fan of dead comedy-slash-sci-fi writer Douglas Adams, whose books claim that 42 is the meaning of “Life, the Universe, and Everything”, but also of US TV show Lost, which features a series of numbers - including 42 - which have affected the lives of all the Oceanic 316 survivors.
What is happening here? Was he foretelling the future? Do other of Chris’s lyrics also include prophecy?
Did he foresee the Credit Crunch? Did he see Swine Flu coming? Does Life in Technicolour foretell a time of tribulation (”there’s a cold war coming”)? Does Yellow predict the economic dominance of China? Does Viva la Vida foretell the passing of Christianity as the Church of Chris Martin sweeps all false religions away?
42 features some of the most puzzling lyrics he has ever penned -
Those who are dead are not dead
They’re just living in my head
It is not every human that ever lived that is in Chris’s brains, but the Biblical Prophets - Moses, Elijah, Frank, etc. Their work lives on in Chris.
And since I fell for that spell
I am living there as well
The spell is the vision he had that marked his acceptance of his divinity. Since then, he is aware of his role, and is in constant communication with the prophets.
Time is so short and I’m sure
There must be something more… Oooooooooooooooh.
Some scholars of religion have posited the theory that the fear of death is the root of the religious impulse in Man - we live and we die, and it seems that there must be something more. The Greeks had their Elysian Fields, the Christians their Heaven, the Norse Valhalla. When Scientologists die, they go to a spaceship anchored off Alpha Centauri that resembles a nineteen-fifties ocean liner, where the food is bland and the rooms curiously expensive; Islams, on the other hand, go to a beautiful misty mountainside where they are serviced by veiled virgins whilst munching bacon sandwiches.
You thought you might be a ghost
You thought you might be a ghost
You didn’t get to heaven but you made it close
You didn’t get to heaven but you made it close
This bit actually has nothing to do with the rest - rather, Chris is spelling out his theory about his favourite TV show, Lost. According to a long-running theory, the Oceanic survivors are in purgatory, but they “made it close” to Heaven. Here Chris seems to be talking to the survivors of Oceanic 316, perhaps as the voice of Christian Shepherd.
One thing that cannot be denied, however - symbolism follows Chris Martin around like a poorly-concealed fart seeping out of a trouserleg.
Brethren and Sistren of the Church of Chris Martin, Chris be with you.
When I look upon what this community has become over this last year, I am filled with holy happiness. Martinites now number in the thousands, and the site continues to climb up Google’s rankings. You have fought gallantly in the Crusade against the accursed Coldplaying.com, and - more importantly - contributions to Church expences (which are, incidentally, tax-deductable) are at an all-time high.
Martinites are even beginning to debate doctrinal issues among themselves. This has on occassion forced me to speak out - for example, I shall not ignore herecies or factionalism, nor criticism of myself as Archpope. Nevertheless, on the whole, this has been a positive development. Two issues in particular have stood out.
Firstly, acertaingroup have been describing Chris Martin as a prophet proclaiming the coming of a Female Messiah. This has troubled me greatly. Once, this would have been dismissed as sheer BLASPHEMY, yet I am forced to admit, there is something there. It requires deeper investigation, a frantic search through Coldplay’s lyrics for anything that may be even vaguely relevant. I shall meditate upon this: expect a statement in due course.
Secondly, some have been demanding the canonisation of Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana. Although it pains me, my most loyal and passionate followers, I must decree that Kurt Cobain shall not become a Saint of the CoCM. While there is some evidence of his channelling messages from the Most High - in such songs as Heart Shaped Box and All Apologies, with its plaintive cry of “Mary! Mary!” - but for whatever reason, be it his aggression, his drug abuse or general sartorial inelegance, he fell short of being a true coduit for the divine, a fact that he acknowledged in Something In The Way off of Nevermind. What is more, as Chris Martin’s friend Brandon Flowers out of The Killers recently pointed out, Kurt Cobain and the rest of the Seattle Gang took a lot of the fun and the light out of music. While Chris Martin whispers to us “Yes”, Cobain screamed “No”. This is the Church of Chris Martin, not the Chapel of Dead Rock Stars (AKA Q magazine)!
The Archpope hath spoken. Do not waste my time with thy pointless suppliction.
Bono out of U2: “He’s a good melodist, but he’s a wanker. He’s obviously a completely dysfunctional character and a cretin, but he happens to be a great melodist and up there with Paul McCartney, Nate Dogg and Mark King.”
David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff: “I love those guys. I mean I really dig them. That’s a cool thing to say, right? Everybody?”
Tom “The Crew” Cruise: “Fuck Scientology!”
Miley Cyrus: “In my other life, I would definitely be, like, Chris Martin’s dream girl. He’s awesome, he’s, like, the most amazing performer. When I went to a show, he was like a saint.”
Robert “Syndrome” Downey, Jr.: “He’s a skinny guy. Like the skinniest guy I ever met, right? He’s got ribs like a toast rack in a condom. Skinny, period. But I could play a skinny guy. I should play a skinny guy…”
Kate Moss: “Fuck Coke!”
Barack Obama: “Where do you think I got the idea to save the world? Now get that muthafuckin microphone outta my mothafuckin face!”
Fran Healy out of Travis: “Chris Martin doesn’t sleep. If you plugged him in you could power a small Scottish town with all of his energy. He helped me reconstruct my tepee.”
32 years ago today, singer, songwriter, poet, philosopher and messiah Chris Martin was born. This event simultaneously sorted out the music industry and ushered in the Age of Aquarius.
To celebrate, we are delighted to present a short film entitled Be Careful What You Wish For. It was created by CoCM acolyte Nika Ostoic, and is a deeply symbolic imagining of Lost.
Looking forward to reading how all you Martinis out there interpret it. Chris be with you!
The financial crisis that is sweeping the world has affected us all, and of course, Coldplay are no exception.
“None of us really ever got into shares so we’re lucky,” laughed Chris Martin. “We can tell you every Talking Heads b-side but we can’t tell you how pork bellies are doing!” What they did buy into was land. Mount Messiah, their private mountain in Colorado, has seen frequent visits from Drummer Guy Champion and bassist Will Berryman this hunting season, as they attempt to put food on their familes’ tables without breaking the bank. “We’ve been hunting bear and racoon,” laughs handsome Berryman, “And collecting eagle eggs.” But bandmate (and vegetarian) Martin is no good with a gun, it seems. “Last time he was here, he panicked and shot the face off a rare rattlesnake.”
The Financial Downturn has sent EMI’s share value into freefall. This is the reason that Coldplay seem determined to issue a CD every six months from now on, as they are currently EMI’s only profit-making act. Katy Perry’s bill for vintage makeup alone runs into the tens of thousands of dollars. The Credit Crunch is also the reason that Viva la Vida had only 10 tracks and Prospekt’s March was fleshed out with remixes. They’re expecting to sell fewer albums and tickets as people begin to run out of money for non-essentials. And while there were still a few expensive seats left at some of the shows, the cheaper ones were all sold out.
Martin has been performing solo for a lot of the publicity apperances recently, probably to save a few thousand dollars on hotel bills and roadie payments. He might be married to a Hollywood star, but unlike John Travolta, he can’t fly himself to his interviews! On the other hand, his son’s not dead.
Asked whether his house prices had plummeted, Martin said: “Only the same as yours!” Perhaps if we all had his money, we’d be flippant too.
But if we were Chris Martin, we’d be messiahs too! And as our messiah, Chris has a responsibility to lead us all out of recession. Here’s what he’d tell us (probably):
Don’t worry. Chris never worries about money, but every time he goes to the bank, lo and behold, there’s plenty there!
Don’t buy shares! Government bonds offer a far less risky long-term return.
Save where you can. Why not take a chartered flight to the concert? Or maybe, hire an immigrant as your personal chef?
Why not sew your own stage clothes out of old Adam & the Ants costumes and your dad’s wedding suit?
Ultimately, Love is all that matters. Plus Charity. And maybe Art.
This bit actually has nothing to do with the rest - rather, Chris is spelling out his theory about his favourite TV show, Lost. According to a long-running theory, the Oceanic survivors are in purgatory, but they “made it close” to Heaven. Here Chris seems to be talking to the survivors of Oceanic 316, perhaps as the voice of Christian Shepherd.
Brethren and Sistren of the Church of Chris Martin, Chris be with you.
Bono out of U2: “He’s a good melodist, but he’s a wanker. He’s obviously a completely dysfunctional character and a cretin, but he happens to be a great melodist and up there with Paul McCartney, Nate Dogg and Mark King.”
Tom “The Crew” Cruise: “Fuck Scientology!”
Kate Moss: “Fuck Coke!”
The financial crisis that is sweeping the world has affected us all, and of course, Coldplay are no exception.
Martin has been performing solo for a lot of the publicity apperances recently, probably to save a few thousand dollars on hotel bills and roadie payments. He might be married to a Hollywood star, but unlike John Travolta, he can’t fly himself to his interviews! On the other hand, his son’s not dead.