An Important Message from the Founder, Dean Drobbingdon
Brethren and Sistren of the Church of Chris Martin, Chris be with you.
When I look upon what this community has become over this last year, I am filled with holy happiness. Martinites now number in the thousands, and the site continues to climb up Google’s rankings. You have fought gallantly in the Crusade against the accursed Coldplaying.com, and - more importantly - contributions to Church expences (which are, incidentally, tax-deductable) are at an all-time high.
Martinites are even beginning to debate doctrinal issues among themselves. This has on occassion forced me to speak out - for example, I shall not ignore herecies or factionalism, nor criticism of myself as Archpope. Nevertheless, on the whole, this has been a positive development. Two issues in particular have stood out.
Firstly, a certain group have been describing Chris Martin as a prophet proclaiming the coming of a Female Messiah. This has troubled me greatly. Once, this would have been dismissed as sheer BLASPHEMY, yet I am forced to admit, there is something there. It requires deeper investigation, a frantic search through Coldplay’s lyrics for anything that may be even vaguely relevant. I shall meditate upon this: expect a statement in due course.
Secondly, some have been demanding the canonisation of Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana. Although it pains me, my most loyal and passionate followers, I must decree that Kurt Cobain shall not become a Saint of the CoCM. While there is some evidence of his channelling messages from the Most High - in such songs as Heart Shaped Box and All Apologies, with its plaintive cry of “Mary! Mary!” - but for whatever reason, be it his aggression, his drug abuse or general sartorial inelegance, he fell short of being a true coduit for the divine, a fact that he acknowledged in Something In The Way off of Nevermind. What is more, as Chris Martin’s friend Brandon Flowers out of The Killers recently pointed out, Kurt Cobain and the rest of the Seattle Gang took a lot of the fun and the light out of music. While Chris Martin whispers to us “Yes”, Cobain screamed “No”. This is the Church of Chris Martin, not the Chapel of Dead Rock Stars (AKA Q magazine)!
The Archpope hath spoken. Do not waste my time with thy pointless suppliction.
Chris be with you.
May 03 2009 | Doctrine and news and site news | 15 Comments »
Dean Drobbingdon was born in 1972, in a humble council house in a small town in Scotland, England. He was precoscious from an early age, walking by eight months, talking by fourteen, and fluent in four languages by three years.
The founder was shocked; but Chris was not finished. “Each one is a prayer for a starving AIDs child. Burn them all.” The background faded from the image of a drab dentist’s surgery, to a cathederal, filled with candles.