As is her prerogative, the True Widow has taken it upon herself to help prove - along with Father Drobbingdon - that the C:O:C girl dance association is one that can help protect a member when she finds herself in trouble. Now many would scoff at this fact being included as a “benefit,” but the world of escorts, strippers, and hookers is a dirty and dangerous one and sometimes, through no fault of their own, the ladies may have a bad turn of events, and land in the pokey. Fear not, jailbirds - help is at hand!
Today the True Widow decided she would go behind bars. Now, this fine lady has never had the honor of being locked-up before, but if it concerns the betterment of the Church, the True Widow is immediately game. And so it goes that she found herself getting booked and mug-shot (in an undercover capacity, obviously) and taken on the perp’s walk through the prison maze, amid taunts, catcalls, and obscenities. The True Widow held her head high and entered her shared cell.
Immediately there was a confrontation with a very Butch-looking prison matron who took a liking to the Widow’s lovely persona. But the Widow was ready! In her best rapper voice, she spits out: “What youze lookin at, Bitch? I throwdown with them COC girls over at the Church of Chris Martin!” Of course this seemed absurd because The Widow is an intelligent, well-spoken individual, but she was “acting” now to elicit a response and gauge reactions to COC girl gang protection claims. The Dyke drew back and exclaimed: “Oh yeah,” and seemed interested but not aggressive any more. It seems to work just has Father Drobbingdon as claimed - there is magic and power in the words themselves!
A little bit trickier was an encounter out in the exercise yard on the second day, whereby a group of masculine street gals came upon the Widow as she was enjoying the fresh air and concrete. One of the meaner and uglier ones drew out a shank to cut the True Widow’s lovely face all up, but again in a display of sheer righteousness of words the Widow exclaimed: “Stop what you are doing for the glory and good of COCs everywhere!” Like magic, the fearsome coven of carpet-munchers stepped back, and retreated to their Megan Fox calenders. The True Widow was again triumphant!
Now, the True Widow is no shrinking violet - she has had many run-ins with the”original widow”, some of which ended up being litigated. Fights and power struggles are nothing new to her, and she does possess a combative tendency. These interactions, however, were great instruction on how one is to behave as a COC girl, when put in a compromising position. Stay Calm, Stand Tall, Stay Firm & drop the Church moniker as often as needed, to protect life, liberty and expensive breast implants once behind the jail walls.
Church members: pray that The True Widow will prosper in jail and come out soon to continue to led Church Chris-tians on to higher ground. Amen.
September 04 2009 | Church History and news | 5 Comments »
(Well, it had to happen… all that attention to the C: O: C: girls got the “boys” in a tizzy! A group from the great polluted city of Manchester, England decided to form into a Men’s Chapter of C: O: C: and they call themselves Men of Reformation, Church of Chris - M: O: R: - C: O: C. Thus, a subset of the original C: O: C: group has now stepped to center stage...)
The Story of M: O: R: - C: O: C:
It was a dark & stormy night in a dank Men’s Club in desolate Manchester, England. MTV BBC is playing on the bar’s TV, and a new video comes on featuring the visage of Great One - Chris Martin singing in all his glory. The last dancer was just gathering up his leather chaps and dog chain collar to call it a night. This dancer, Keith Comer, glanced at the telly and was struck by the sweet gentleness of our Coldplay singer, especially since the nightclub dancing life was seedy, rough and void of glamour. He immediately grabbed some money and went over to the local record shop and paid for Viva la Vida on CD, which he would listen to endlessly.
The Boys who frequent the Manchester Baths heard the music playing in Keith’s CD player and all agreed it was great, nothing like the pounding disco music that throbed at all the gay clubs in town. This was lovely and melodic, and Keith and his friends were entranced. Soon, they were making the trek to Stonehenge for the Summer Solstice celebration and got a gander of those C:O:C: girls shamlessly hussying about.
Yes - all the straight guys were hot for the C: O: C:-ettes, but Keith and his party pals KNEW they could do a better job. Then while on the road to Glastonbury, the Boy-friends were shocked to come up on the girls AGAIN, in yellow bikinis, none-the-less. This was a total affront to the Gay Guys of Manchester and they vowed to show the Hallelujah Hussies who really had the C: O: C: goods!
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August 20 2009 | Church History and news | 8 Comments »
The Church of Chris Martin will soon be holding auditions in various locations to pick the next crop of COC girls.
These women represent the finest examples of what otherwise would be considered a “loose or immoral” woman rising above her circumstances and achieving sacred dignity & respect within the Church of Chris Martin.
There are requirements to attain such an exalted position that may lead to other career opportunities in the fields of escort services, pole-dancing, and unclothed modeling in men’s magazines. As such we are specifically looking for:
–”REAL ladies-Not sex-changed”
–Weight and height within reasonable limits.
–able to sing a few Coldplay tunes either in or out of tune (whistling acceptable.)
–ability to dance, strut, wiggle, or strip in public with no shame or blushing allowed.
–natural or enhanced bosom - no droopsy allowed.
–either natural or fake tan… no pastiness.
–IQ NOT to exceed the doubling of the breast size. i.e., 40 DD bust = no more than 80 IQ.
–tendency to accept the amorous interests of more than one man… at a time.
–pride in maintaining one’s looks and figure.
–must be able to rattle off certain memorized Coldplay lyrics and seem sincere.
This is a very important public position. C:O:C girls represent The Church at various events and a self-possessed and friendly manner is preferred. The ability to travel is a plus. Please email name, contact info and bust measurements with a color photo: to propaganda[at]thechurchofchrismartin.com. We will get back with you with a reply within a week. Thank you for your interest in the COC girl program at the Church of Chris Martin.
Addendum - History of C O C Girls:
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August 03 2009 | Church History and site news | 6 Comments »
