FRIEND or FOE?
Throughout the gestation of what people are calling the “College Rock Religion”, there have been many dear friends that we hold near and gently caress as one. These “friends” are not ones to turn on the brethren and sistren; rather, they inspire delight and awe as righteous souls of merit, and they certainly are not OVERLY LITIGIOUS as some 3rd rate musicians who claim Coldplay “steals” from them.
Rest assured, The Great Arch Pope Father Drobbingdon, BrotherRob, the True Widow, and the inordinately bawdy Holy Pilgrims 3 of Glastonbury fame, all seeks to engender friendships beyond reproach and cultivate good relations among all nations and fans of Coldplay music.
However, all is NOT merry and frolicsome when the SUBJECT of CHURCH ENEMIES is broached. And Yes, well-meaning and heroic as the Church of Chris Martin is, believe it or not, there are some loathsome creatures out there WHO DO NOT LIKE US! True, they amount to assorted nitwit defilers, blasphemers, heretics, nay-sayers and such who most likely are two eggs shy of a dozen. Never-the-less, all we can do as a Holy Church is expose these hypocrites, liars, Satanists and outright fools for the DEVILISH BESMIRCHERS that they are!
We also honor and proclaim Holy Love for our beloved Friends. I offer the following for overall Church enlightenment:
FRIENDS:
Holy Saint Bono out of U2 - formerly a “mouth that roared” insults at our beloved Soul Master, now humbled and taken back into the Church fold - but a wary eye still watches him.
Sir Eddie Vedder out of Pearl Jam - a fairly mellow fellow who took the Great Grunge God Cobain’s insults to heart about “selling out” and now still fronts a well-respected rock band. Cares about the poor etc etc.
Youth Pastor Thomas of Yorke out out Radiohead - a tempermental fellow no doubt but a talented songwriter and singer who enjoys working with musical youth groups. Was probably bullied himself, by the look of him.
Barrister Brandon Boyd out of Incubus - Not only good-looking and catnip for men and women alike, but a truly good soul who deserves recognition. He also was instrumental in charming lady judges to release assorted jailbird C:O:C: girls from prison.
Saint Mark King out of Level 42 - a first-rate melodist, and Chris Martin’s fave musician. Father Drobbingdon also particularly admires this Saint, so shut up if you don’t agree.
Bishop-Elect Paul of McCartney out of formerly the Beatles - A fixture of tour bus stopping and “meets & Greets,” this friendly former Beatles is generous with tips to C:O:C artistes & an all-around nice guy.
Saint Madonna out of Dick Tracy- Yes, I know this one is controversial, but for political correctness, I had to include a women. She has also been instrumental in aiding the MOR C:O:C: gayblades group and even hired a few of the dandies to dance on her “Sticky & Sweet” tour.
All the above listed are FRIENDS of the Church and as such, will be welcomed at any time with open arms and other open amenities gifted by the “artistes” known as the C:O:C:’s.
ENEMIES OF THE CHURCH:
Oh Yes, we have them and have berated them ceaselessly among the posts and submissions that dot the Church website. I shall begin with the GREATEST DEVIL AMONG THEM…
…coldplaying.com - heathens and swine that Twitter unmercifully, the Holy War against them is for eternity and as The Church of Chris Martin is goodness personified, the scum-sucking DARK LORDS of coldplaying.com represent everything prenaturally mortifying and deceptive. They will perish in a internet battle that will find our GREAT CHURCH morally and spiritually triumphant!
Twitter - that 140 stroke IM-er that coldplaying.com uses to mesmerize music fans of the band. Twitter is nothing more than a TOOL coldplaying.com uses to bewitch and befoul. The Church shall also take down Twitter in the final Internet battle of good vs. evil!
Cretin Courtney (the She-devil) Love - the True Widow insists that this Vicious Vagina be placed on the Enemies List because of the utter mendacity of the woman and her unremitting weakness of character and spirit. We shall honor the True Widow’s wishes here.
The Killers out of Las Vegas - Sin City fork-tonguers who maligned the Grunge scene out of Seattle as “taking the fun out of music.” Thus implying our Holy Assistant-to-be Cobain was instrumental in bumming music out back in the 90’s. This band of Mormon criminals will rot in Hell for their dastardly deeds against the Great Grunge God.
Billie Jerk Armstrong out of Green Day - had his mouth working overtime when he stated that going to a Coldplay concert was akin to attending “a tea party.” This statement traumatized many parents who took their kids to the Green Day concert, and for that he shall rot in Hell with the Killers.
Continuing favorite ENEMY BROTHERS, the dysfunctional imbeciles otherwise known as Oasis and the Gallagher siblings - Now broken up - and mercifully so - the putrid invective that hurls from their diseased lips is now relegated to the nostalgia circuit, but still the enmity flows strong that they so insulted Marvelous Martin by comparing him to looking like a “geography teacher” and that he was a “potted plant.” Good-bye & good riddance to you!
Joe Satriani - this DEVIL actually managed to squeeze some money out of the band and for that he is banned in infinity for Church sanctification and may even be sent straight to Hell for the bad publicity he garnered against the band. Now touring with the Chickenfoot band - it is Joe Satriani who is the true EVIL chickenfoot!
Twat Stevens - jumped into the plagiarism fray when he decided to follow Joe Satriani’s misguided legal example and put his hand out for some filthy lucre! Forever this Muslim infidel and traitor to England will burn in inglorious infamy for his desecration of Coldplay honor and musical omnipotence.
I believe that this list of fools, idiots, befoulers, token nitwits and DEVILS shall perish in a purge of righteous Church indignation and forever be sent to the Great “Lake of Fire” where an eternity of searing fiery HELL and BRIMSTONE awaits them.
Hallelujah to this Great Church! Glory to it in Eternity! May the blessings of Coldplay and Chris Martin always be upon you. I greet and fellowship with all brethren and sistren in a spirit of HOLY LOVE Forever more. Amen.
November 19 2009 | Church History and news | 3 Comments »
This thread
although i often remark to my family that”Chris Martin IS God’ when they go on about my obsession with CP - You see, these people have been deifying Chris Martin for years, we just take it more literally, that’s all. At least we’re aware of what we’re doing - these guys seem blissfully ignorant.
It is not the policy of the Church of Chris Martin to be a part of any petty arguments - however, in this case, we will make an exception, and DECLARE HOLY WAR on Coldplaying.com. They are heritics, unbelievers, blasphemers and a bunch of real shits too.