An Important Message from the Founder, Dean Drobbingdon

dean-drobbingdon-c1998.jpgBrethren and Sistren of the Church of Chris Martin, Chris be with you.

When I look upon what this community has become over this last year, I am filled with holy happiness. Martinites now number in the thousands, and the site continues to climb up Google’s rankings. You have fought gallantly in the Crusade against the accursed Coldplaying.com, and - more importantly - contributions to Church expences (which are, incidentally, tax-deductable) are at an all-time high.

Martinites are even beginning to debate doctrinal issues among themselves. This has on occassion forced me to speak out - for example, I shall not ignore herecies or factionalism, nor criticism of myself as Archpope. Nevertheless, on the whole, this has been a positive development. Two issues in particular have stood out.

Firstly, a certain group have been describing Chris Martin as a prophet proclaiming the coming of a Female Messiah. This has troubled me greatly. Once, this would have been dismissed as sheer BLASPHEMY, yet I am forced to admit, there is something there. It requires deeper investigation, a frantic search through Coldplay’s lyrics for anything that may be even vaguely relevant. I shall meditate upon this: expect a statement in due course.

Secondly, some have been demanding the canonisation of Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana. Although it pains me, my most loyal and passionate followers, I must decree that Kurt Cobain shall not become a Saint of the CoCM. While there is some evidence of his channelling messages from the Most High - in such songs as Heart Shaped Box and All Apologies, with its plaintive cry of “Mary! Mary!” - but for whatever reason, be it his aggression, his drug abuse or general sartorial inelegance, he fell short of being a true coduit for the divine, a fact that he acknowledged in Something In The Way off of Nevermind. What is more, as Chris Martin’s friend Brandon Flowers out of The Killers recently pointed out, Kurt Cobain and the rest of the Seattle Gang took a lot of the fun and the light out of music. While Chris Martin whispers to us “Yes”, Cobain screamed “No”. This is the Church of Chris Martin, not the Chapel of Dead Rock Stars (AKA Q magazine)!

The Archpope hath spoken. Do not waste my time with thy pointless suppliction.

Chris be with you.

May 03 2009 | Doctrine and news and site news | 15 Comments »

When the Saints Go Marching In

There is one God, and Chris Martin is His prophet.

Dean Drobbingdon is Archpope-in-Cheif.

And we are the Church.

But what about the Saints? So far, these are the only Saints recognised by the Church of Chris Martin:

  • gwynethpoet.jpgGwyneth
  • agnus-daie.jpgBono
  • eddie_murphy.jpgNelson Mandela
  • sting.jpgSting
  • mother-theresa-et.jpgMother Theresa

But the time is right to canonise a new Saint! Vote now!

 

  • Who do you think should be nominated for Sainthood?

July 31 2008 | Doctrine and news and site news | 2 Comments »

ABOUT OUR FOUNDER

Dean Drobbingdon was born in 1972, in a humble council house in a small town in Scotland, England. He was precoscious from an early age, walking by eight months, talking by fourteen, and fluent in four languages by three years.

His school career, however, was marred by the systemic abuse and bullying he experienced. Marked forever as an “outsider”, this was to have a lasting impact on the young man’s psyche. Unsurprisingly, robbed of any opportunity for stimulation or self-expression, he did not excel; but he did become the man who would go on to found The Church of Chris Martin.

It was only a matter of time before he started to think about putting his own spiritual ideas into some kind of order…

But it took a fateful trip to the dentist’s surgery to fix an abcess that was to lead to the founding of The Church. AROBTTH had come out only a week before. While under the effects of the gas, Dean had a vision. The Spirit of Chris Martin visited him, and filled him with light. Chris Martin said unto him, “Burn them all!”

The founder was shocked; but Chris was not finished. “Each one is a prayer for a starving AIDs child. Burn them all.” The background faded from the image of a drab dentist’s surgery, to a cathederal, filled with candles.

For a while, the Founder thought that Chris was also telling him to “Spit!”, but it turned out that it was just the nurse and he was still fucked off the gas.

From this miraculous beginning, the Church of Chris Martin established itself, going online in 2001. Today, it is the fastest-growing indie-rock-based religion in the world. Can you afford NOT to join?

April 11 2008 | Church History | 6 Comments »

How I came to Found the Church

 

By Dean Drobbingdon, Archpope-in-Cheif

“It happened during a visit to my dentist, Rhodes & Damascus. As the gas kicked in and the drill began to whine, The Scientist began to play on the radio in the corner of the room. “Nobody said it was easy”, it said, and it was as though it was singing directly to me.

Then it happened. Chris appeared to me in a blaze of light, and said the cryptic words: “Burn them all.” I was shocked at the apparent anger in His words, and I asked what He meant. His head dissolved into an image of a Cathedral, filled with blazing candles. “Each one is a prayer for a starving child,” He said. “Burn them all.” continue reading »

April 01 2008 | Church History | 1 Comment »