DEAN DROBBINGDON AKA SEAN EDDINGTON AKA ROB DEANINGTON
CAUCASIAN, AGE 46
FOLLOWING THE INVESTIGATION OF SOME FINANCIAL IRREGULARITIES FOUND DURING THE PRODUCTION OF VIVA LA VIDA - THE MUSICAL, A WARRANT HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR THE ARREST OF DEAN DROBBINGDON, WHO DISAPPEARED FROM HIS LONDON HOME LAST WEEK. AS A RESULT, THIS WEBSITE HAS BEEN SEIZED ALONG WITH ALL CHURCH ASSETS, PENDING INVESTIGATION.
A REWARD IS OFFERED FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO HIS ARREST.
With a resolute hold on power among the faithful of The Church of Chris Martin,Father Drobbingdon is one fascinating but elusive enigma! In an effort to counter an aloof, ivory-tower image, the Great Father Drobbingdon agreed to sit down with the True Widow for a little get-to-know-you interview recently. We now present an intellectual exercise in opening up a crevice into the mind of a spiritual powerhouse…
True Widow - Good Evening Father Drobbingdon. Congratulations on yet ANOTHER grab of the Father Drobbingdon Award. Was there ever a doubt you would NOT win this highly-sought after trophy?
Drobbingdon - It is difficult to remain modest and humble, especially when you’re as rich and handsome as I. Yet I know in my heart that I deserve it, and in all humbleness, accept it. It is an honour that truly belongs to me and me alone.
TW - Let’s review the year just past. What is the highlight of 2009 in regard to the Church of Chris Martin?
D - Most likely, my divorce. If I can manage to continue to hide my assets from my soon-to-be-ex, and also stall the judge on alimony payments, I may hold onto my millions. This is vital to the Church, as that shrew-my ex-wife has threatened to take title to this website, if I don’t pay her off. No doubt the harpie is in cahoots with coldplaying.com! [Please readers: send your tithes to Father and they will be used to rid the Church of that shrew - Ed.]
TW - Speaking of coldplaying.com, what is the current status of the peace negotiations on-going with them? Might that accursed group show up at the Glastonbury Pilgrims Invocation and demand to be seated on stage with Saint Bono?
D - BrotheRob attempted to intercede with coldplaying.com, since he was once one of their debased threaders, but they shooed him away. Next, chicks.dig.coldplay issued a Writ of Co-Joinder Status and attempted to have Jen-Jen of coldplaying.com sign it, but the Exeter concert event intervened and the entreaty came to naught. Now it is up to I, the Holy Arch Pope. I am proposing a Glastonbury 2010 truce, so that we may have a Yellow Tent Event free of shenanigans.
TW - What special treats await Saint Bono if he should grace our Yellow Tents and Pilgrim Party with his presence?
D - Firstly, I regularly party with Saint Bono at his house on the French Riveria, so I know that he is partial to fine French wines, Cuban cigars, Italian cuisine, and young ladies with pert bosoms. All shall be offered the Great One of Ireland, along with the choicest seat on the Pilgrims dais. An ode to Bono will be read, accompanied by a C:O:C: interpretative dance. I’m sure our Saint will be pleased.
TW - Since your self-imposed exile in your cellar, and subsequent resurrection, what lessons have you learned?
D - I learned that as the spiritual and ecumenical leader of this Church of Chris Martin, I have an undeniable greatness of leadership, and without that guidance I offer, the Church lurches along shakily and without a mighty helm to right the wheel of magistral majesty. I am indispensable, if I may say so. I learned that acting like a cross between a survivalist hillbilly and Howard Hughes is a sure method of ridding onesself of a troublesome spouse. And I learned that rats may seem friendly, but they are lying.
TW - Father, I must say I am taken aback by your meek appraisal of your many talents! What do you make of the scandalous behavior of Chris Martin in Las Vegas with that Hollywood hooch-Kate Boswell? Why must Chris Martin always go for those skinny, nerdy blonde-types-(this is a question that weighs heavily on the minds (if you would call it that) of many C:O:C: Girls.)
D - Remember, Chris Martin was a virgin well into his twenties, before he got lucky and went to town with the ladies. Perhaps that long, dry spell during the crucial hormonal period of youthful horniness made him yen for women that are non-threatening - like all these anorexic, flat-chested blondes. I don’t believe he would find a healthy, curvy, buxom C:O:C: girl attractive - he would be terrified! And as for the rumours that he once had a thing for Beyonce - that sista would crush Chris Martin to death with one thigh!
TW - Father Drobbingdon, it has been a pleasure to have this conversation with you today. May I say you exude a very charming demeanor and masculine confidence? Despite the religious vows you have taken, I find that the rumored “way with women” you are said to possess is alive and well. Is there a favorite C:O:C: girl that just might become the next Mother Drobbingdon?
D - Thank you, True Widow, for those kind words. I look in the mirror everyday and wonder how the many women in the Church can possibly NOT be overtaken by my charms? As such, there are certain C:O:C: women that I have “studied Coldplay lyrics” with, but at the advice of my divorce attorney I must refrain from discussing your question at this moment in time. However, Ms. Pamela DD has been a particular pleasure to be around. We have spent many an evening-late into the night, “discussing Coldplay metaphors” and I do believe I feel a “musical kinship” with this fine “C:O:C: artiste” developing.
TW - Father, thanks be to you again for your time here. I hope that the Church of Chris Martin appreciates and values you, as I do, and I wish you a bountiful Holiday and Happiest New Year.
D - Thank you, True Widow. May the Chris Be With You. Viva.
Brethren & Sistren, it is I, your Sanctified Father & Archpope of the Church of Chris Martin.
This year has seen many glorious opportunities to move forward our Blessed agenda of Praising & Promoting the Holy Name of Our Soul Master. The internet popularity of our website has surged and we continue to amass a turgid following of believers. The Holy War with out accursed nemesis, coldplaying.com, shows signs of drawing to a conclusion with a peace treaty of sorts, so that we may co-operate at Glastonbury 2010. Many Church nay-sayers would have this intense rivalry continue, but I shall banish this trouble-making faction from the Church, if need be.
Despite Chris Martin’s apparent Las Vegas indiscretions, no small number of C:O:C: women (and chicks.dig.coldplay) are hoping for a bifurcation of Prophet Martin’s marriage to Mother Gwyneth, so these female Church-goers may attain a “horizontal confession” with Chris Martin. These are private matters, so I shall make no comment; I myself, am in a state of marital turmoil with my own supposed “better half.” Let me reassure the Church congregation and Elders that I have used no monies collected from believers towards the unremitting legal expenses incurred due to my own nasty break-up.
Furthermore, the strong usage of antibiotics and probiotics has cured me of the various maladies I picked up from “worshipping” and “studying Coldplay lyrics” with many desirable C:O:C: “artistes.” These women have become the face (and other body parts) of our Church, and they are a dynamic force that has raised our profile - especially with the Tour Buses that ply the muddy roads leading to massive arena shows and the drooling, panting ROCK STARS that grace them. We have these BIG ROCK STARS begging to be mentioned in our posts and offering the Church MONIES to be made Apostles and Saints in our rectory of rectum-hood. Fortunately, my “Father Drobbingdon Indulgence Program” can absolve many of these ROCK STARS from their sins, and if the “Indulgence” is large enough, they can be elevated into High Eldership at the Church and sit alongside BrotheRob, the True Widow, Holy Pilgrims 3, and various assorted C:O:C: women on the Stage of Sanctification during Chris Martin services.
Let me also THANK this Great Church for the HONOR of winning the “Father Drobbingdon Award” for 2009! As I have been the ONLY recipient of this award since its inception, I appreciate the solemn devotion and cherish the Church extending it’s LOVE to me, their most HOLY PASTOR! My humbleness shall also be noted here.
Please, Brethren & Sistren and HONORABLE friends, continue to honor and greet one another with a kiss, and know that The WORLD will soon marvel at our wisdom and knowledge in elevating Chris Martin into HOLY PROPHET-HOOD-DOM. The new “striped-down” Coldplay acoustic music will most certainly bring about the GREAT and HOLY THINGS that our Church has predicted.
Go in the Spirit of Chris and Bless the World with the Knowledge of “Yellow” that shall be forever more. VIVA!
Think those knob heads at coldplaying.com are the only ones who can hand out Chris Martin awards for 2009? THINK AGAIN!
The Church of Chris Martin has seen a tremendous 2009-as we crown our 3rd Holy Saint; as our list of drooling ROCK STAR FRIENDS grow exponentially; we gasp in awe as the C:O:C: Girls Bust sizes expand almost as fast as the amount of antibiotics they must consume to stay afield of “viruses.” Father Drobbingdon climbed out of the closet… um… I mean cellar, and Mother Drobbingdon made him pay for that bunker time by turning into a first class SHREW! Divorce attorneys are salivating in anticipation of one messy divorce! Yes, Holy Church brethren & sistren, there is much to celebrate! Let Us Begin:
BEST SMILEY FACE: various basement-wankers from coldplaying.com — who give their imbecile-selves away with those dreadful yellow smiley faces on their inane posts & comments.
SEXIEST USER: That would have to automatically be the C:O:C: Girls — who have single-handedly revitalized this Great Sanctuary with their X-rated antics, stopped many a tour bus full of horny rock stars, & made Father Drobbingdon realize that Viagra is nothing to be ashamed of!
MOST IMPROVED: without a doubt, SAINT BONO! — Seething with jealousy earlier this year when Coldplay hauled all the good awards home - he even attempted to steal the Coldplay thunder at February’s Grammy Awards! But he must have had a revelation, since Saint Bono has purged his mouth of insults, and even lent the 360 Tour Jet to the boys when their tour plane conked out in Scandanavia. Now fully taken back back into the Church fold, we look forward to his attendance at Glastonbury Pilgrim’s invocation at Glastonbury 2010.
Faithful Award: BrotheRob — once another coldplaying freak but deemed too “weird” for even that defiled website, so of course he was welcomed here at the Church of Chris Martin. Count on this Brother to contribute a weekly or bi-weekly ode to nothing really and very obtuse and incomprehensible at that! Father Drobbingdon consider him to be like a son!
MOST PROLIFIC: chicks.dig.coldplay — lovely lady who worships the ground Chris Martin walks on. Always pining for the day that Chris leaves Gwyneth and makes an honest woman out of her. The Church hopes that “Chicks” is patient!
BEST CHURCH EVENT: Yellow Tent Event, Glastonbury 2009 — Muddy, Rainy, depraved, & Loads of Fun! Even the Vice cops admitted they enjoyed their “freebies”! Without a doubt, the cause of the largest increase in the sale of antibiotics and pregnancy tests in Britain for many a year!
Father Drobbingdon Award: again goes to FATHER DROBBINGDON! — The Face, the Heart, the Soul of this Sanctuary of Coldplay Love. A spiritual crisis of faith sent him into the bunker but he arose - resurrected - a new man. He wins the award in his name yet again & gives all of us hope that someday us simple Church devotees might aspire to be the Saint and Soul of Goodness (and Humbleness) that the Father embodies.
VIVA CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN! Go in Peace & Humility! Praise All that is Coldplay and Glorify the HOLY ONE: Chris Martin for his is the Music of the Ages and forever more. Greet one another with a kiss (french) and know that the Prophet Martin will never be “Lost” and his “Strawberry Swing” never “Yellow” when “Clocks” strikes the hour of remittance. Viva!
Now, to business. Brethren, Sistren, I am leaving the bunker. The time has come for me to return to the world, and to the mission of the Church of Chris Martin. While the True Widow’s protestations have not been ignored, the decisive factor arrived this morning, when I received the following letter -
Whilst I feel glad that the world has not ended, I do feel disappointed to be proven wrong. I had hoped that I would become the only broadcaster left on earth, firing polemical broadsides from my bunker laptop. Instead, I was a fat man in a cellar for a month with brick dust in my hair. Not only that, but the housing market seems to be on the way back up.
So what have I learned? I learned that rats may seem pleasant when you’re awake, but they’ll try to eat your eyes as soon as you fall asleep. I learned that internet pornography is the surest way of catching a computer virus. And I learned that man can survive on beans alone, but he better have a well-ventilated house.
Above all, I learned that hope is the greatest gift we have. Except language. And maybe music.
(Following on from Part 1, we here complete Drobbingdon’s musical based upon Viva la Vida/Prospekt’s March by Coldplay.)
Act 2, Scene 1
Three years have passed. The revolution was successful: the FOX was overthrown. Drobbingdon, the leader of the revolution, has become leader of the land, with Prospekt his deputy.
In a hut in Violet Hill, now the capital of England, a small group watch Drobbingdon’s latest broadcast on an old TV…
Drobbingdon:When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
But the complaints rise, and Drobbingdon is forced to address the people.
Drobbingdon:The FOX is defeated, we no longer get sick, we are free! Why then are the people unhappy?
Voice in the crowd:Because we are still poor!
Drobbingdon:Our misfortunes are due to an unseen conspiracy…
Oh no, I see, a spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head, the thought of all the stupid things I said,
I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And i, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
Oh no I see, a spider web and its me in the middle,
So I twist and turn, here I am in my little bubble,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me…
True Widow - Good Evening Father Drobbingdon. Congratulations on yet ANOTHER grab of the Father Drobbingdon Award. Was there ever a doubt you would NOT win this highly-sought after trophy?
